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Funeral worries

(13 Posts)
grandmaz Fri 15-Jun-18 10:45:04

My very dear male BFF died suddenly and very unexpectedly on 01 June. It would have been his 60th birthday tomorrow and he was happily planning his 'bash' about which we chatted a couple of nights before he died. The funeral is to be held next Friday, in the village where he lived and grew up...he loved it so much.

I shall go of course, but I am a little nervous that I shall make a complete show of myself - I'm a bit emotional at the best of time,s but this has hit me really hard and because I live nearly 40 miles away and so rarely if ever saw his friends or family, I haven't had anyone who knew and loved him to grieve with and I'm scared that I'll just dissolve when I see everyone. I really don't want to be a sobbing mess in church but we had such a lovely special friendship for over 20 years, that I'm not sure how to get through the service.

I've had a lovely chat with his Mum on the phone and that was comforting for us both I think, however I shall be meeting most of his friends and family for the first time at his funeral and I want to hold myself together so that I can do his memory and our friendship, justice both in Church and afterwards.

Does anyone have any tips please? I can't have a stiff drink as I shall be driving there and back. I shall have some Rescue Remedy to hand but I need some helpful advice about managing my own grief when there are people there who have lost their son and brother, so I really need to keep my emotions in check out of respect for them.

Any thoughts and suggestions will be gratefully received.

MawBroon Fri 15-Jun-18 10:47:45

You might find some useful advice on this fairly recent thread.

grandmaz Fri 15-Jun-18 11:02:13

Thank you Maw - I didn't spot that one and its really helpful. Appreciate your pointing it out smile

MawBroon Fri 15-Jun-18 11:21:41

I wouldn’t worry about “making a fool of yourself” either. You cannot be anything other than yourself.
For me, it’s the hymns which set me off or observing grief on the part of others.
Last December at Paws Requiem Mass I reckon I held things together quite well, just let the tears flow silently and honestly was more supported by the presence of our friends than upset by their grief. TBH I don’t notice except for the very special friend who did the eulogy and who, bless him, was on the verge of tears throughout I think because he had our DGS aged 7 right in front of him in the front pew with his Mummy and Daddy and me, poor little boy and was in tears, , but did it so silently I didn’t notice.
A good funeral (?) should also be a celebration of a life with anecdotes to raise a smile or the memories of the good times.
Don’t worry, weep, smile, remember and (what I did) a nip of medicinal brandy should not render you unfit to drive.

Weep if you must
Parting is hell
But life goes on
So sing as well


grandmaz Fri 15-Jun-18 11:37:07

Thank you

Nanabilly Fri 15-Jun-18 12:02:34

The only advice I can give is not to bottle it up but to let the tears flow quietly and respectfully. I tried to hold mine back at my dad's funeral but then I let out this most awful grunty snotty snort once I let go just as we walked out of the chapel..My Dad would have laughed his head off and that's how I got through it.
Just relax about it and I'm certain that you will not be the only one shedding a tear.

littleflo Fri 15-Jun-18 12:30:21

I attended a funeral this week of a much loved lady. No-one felt the need to hold back tears. Each member of her family stood in the church and made a tribute to her. Some could barely speak through their emotion. By the time of the comittal which was in a churchyard nearby people had recovered themselves. I think that those that are able to hold in the tears are the exception rather than the riule

grandmaz Fri 15-Jun-18 17:43:09

Thanks Nanabilly and littleflo. I am feeling very sad at the moment of course esp as it would have been my friends 60th tomorrow. I'll do as you all suggest and just be myself, if necessary complete with tears and tissues...and hope that people know its because he was so loved and appreciated (by all his friends, I'm sure, not just me). He was a kind and loving friend for nearly a third of my life - and I'm grateful that we met and shared so much time together...never to be forgotten. It's family only at the crematorium after the service so I shall go somewhere that we enjoyed together and remember him quietly at that time. Your thoughts and comments are much appreciated. X

BlueBelle Fri 15-Jun-18 17:56:05

So sorry to hear this news grandmaz and he was obviously really young and unexpected
Please don’t worry people will not judge you I expect you ll all be emotional and the fact you ve already had a lovely chat with his mum is a bonus
I do hope you can remember all the good times and I m sure we ll all be thinking of you 💐
( just help me with the BBF ? I can get as far as best friend or even boy friend but as usual I ve not managed the complete translation and it doesn’t appear in the list)

BlueBelle Fri 15-Jun-18 17:57:32

Sorry BFF even got that wrong

grandmaz Sat 16-Jun-18 09:10:04

Thanks BlueBelle

BFF= Best Friends Forever. He was definitely one of those. Such a lovely man, kind and funny and all the things you'd want a great friend to be - well except for his timekeeping...he was always late. I loved him to bits and always shall.

I have many lovely memories and am so glad that he's been part of my life for over 20 years. I can't begin to imagine never seeing him again.

Such is life in ones sixties, I guess...we have to learn to say goodbye to some of those we love, sometimes with no warning nor time to say goodbye.

I shall be relieved when I have been to his funeral...but for today, his 60th birthday, I shall have a large g&t or two in his memory, as I am sure will many of his close friends.

Thanks again for answering, BlueBelle xx

chelseababy Sat 16-Jun-18 10:55:54

Talk about him to other people and get some of the emotion out. Someone told me that you can't cry if you look upwArds. ...but surely it's not necessary to hold back the tears? Just go well equipped with tissues.

Mapleleaf Wed 20-Jun-18 18:56:07

Take care. Lots of good advice has been given. 💐