Functioning Alcoholic

What's wrong with Robot Grandad?!

GrannyGravy13, regarding your above post, I had been a Health & Safety professional for many years for two very large Distribution companies, I then started my own business in that same profession in 2003. My wife and I with others joining me built that business until we sold it to retire in 2013 to the four H&S professionals who joined us at the start which at the time of sale had twenty one employees.

I bought back a twenty-five percent stake in the business when one of those original employees who then became an owner himself had a road traffic accident which meant he would never work again in any capacity.

I have since remained in the business while over the last eighteen months we have trained up one of the Legal secretaries to the highest IOSH accreditation so I could resume my retirement. However, she has now been diagnosed with ovarian cancer with at this point in time a very poor prognosis regarding the possible outcome. Therefore at the age of 74, myself and my wife are still involved in running a business, though thankfully both still fully fit to do so.

Therefore GrannyGravy13, please do not lecture me on owning and running a business as I have a lifetime of experience in Industrial safety and running a business in that profession.

So please do not lecture us on compassion or empathy ?

Nannymags 27. Having to live with a functioning alcoholic is an awful experience. I'm sure that's what my dad was. I never saw him drunk as in falling over but I rarely saw him without a glass of whisky on a side table next to him. When he was young he was a social drinker ...just beer and a convivial chat down the pub a couple of nights a week. When and how the couple of pints turned to whisky I don't know but he used to get quite nasty ...sarcastic and cruel when he'd had a few whiskies. The family used to feel they were walking on eggshells by the time I married. You never knew how you would find him when you went home for a visit. He could be lovely ...or not.

I wish I had some answers about how to manage this but I haven't. Hope some gransnetters with more wisdom and some success stories come along soon. Best wishes.

granddad1943. Your post to GrannyGravy re your career, you have posted it word for word several times, word for word, every comma and full stop, every paragraph.

The Hunting of the Snark
Just the place for a Snark!" the Bellman cried,
As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
By a finger entwined in his hair.

"Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice
What I tell you three times is true ."

Grandad, I have been involved with “Elf and Safety” for over 34 years back in the time it was ROSPA.

I have no need to broadcast my career over an open forum, my ego does not need regular boosting (or should that be boasting)

If you had ever had a person in your family who was alcohol dependent I like to think that you may/ might show them more support and empathy than comes across in your repeatedly verbose posts.

GrannyGravy empathy isn’t in the union rule book

Nannymags there is a little book that you may find helpful. It is called Action plan for living with an Alcoholic and is written by Lilly Laine. I cannot for the life of me remember the publishers. Either try your local library or the inevitable A*****.

I hope you feel supported on here now that you know so many of us have been down this rocky road?

Nannymags, you have to be the one to decide how much you are prepared to do to help your DH and your marriage. Only you know how bad things are. Some say get out fast, others say their partners managed to stop drinking and they have stayed together. For me, there was no option but my high functioning alcoholic was my adult son and I could not abandon him.

However, your DH has to start the road to recovery by understanding what he is doing to himself, you and his family and agreeing to act. How this comes about, perhaps by intervention from you and your family, a doctor or counsellor, I don't know. I can't offer advice about this, with my DS, the withdrawal symptoms were life threatening and he was terrified by it.

My experience has been that there appears to be more support for those living with an alcoholic than those living with one in recovery. There's plenty of advice on how to cope, how not to enable their drinking but precious little on the effect of dealing with someone desperately trying not to give in to their dependence. There is some literature available and I took heart from the SMART website, although my DS does attend AA meetings, he says he takes away from them what he needs. At the very least you will have to provide an alcohol free environment though.

I am so sorry for you, whatever decisions you make will be painful.

I fully support NanaMakGeek post

I am so sad at this period in my own life and cannot believe the way this thread has developed. The OP came on looking for advice and help and after the first four or five posts there has been three pages of (I don't know how to describe it) and 52bright is the only one who has offered anything helpful. at the moment. This is not the way I thought Gransnet works but as I type this I am seeing some helpful posts coming through.

Nannymags27 only you know how much you can give in support and time to your DH.

Unfortunately if he does not want to admit to himself and others that he has a problem there is not a lot you can do other than continue to just be there for him.

jacq10 .....I agree that most of these posts have been of no use to the original question from the OP. However, my reply was the first on here, with a helpline number. You're wrong to say that only one person has offered any suggestions to help op.

It is most unusual when someone asks for help and the thread is diverted as this thread has been

What are your ( plural) thoughts on Framilode's question?

My advice to Framilode would be to try "Dry January". Not only will she know whether she has become alcohol dependant but she will lose additional weight on the 5:2 diet.

I still get twitchy after 3 years of not drinking at home; I miss the glass of wine or the G&T that I used to enjoy when cooking the evening meal. It was habit, not need though, I suspect it is the same for Framilode. Cutting back on alcohol consumption can only be a good thing these days.

Sorry Lynne59 I didn't mean to offend anyone. I did say that the messsage coming through "at the moment" from 2bright was what I would have expected from Gransnet but I did mention the first few were more of a helpful response and also that other helpful messages were coming through when I was composing my post. I am at the moment dealing with the sudden death of my husband and Gransnetters have been there for me.

Nannymags, I’ve read your OP and read, or skimmed , the responses. I hope you haven’t felt dismissed or ignored by the way a fairly irrelevant response began to dominate.

You say you’ve researched the meaning of ‘functioning alcoholic’, so I expect you’re conclusion about your husband is the right one. Alanon is a good source of information, advice and support. You’ll find phone numbers on Line.

As others have said, any change needs to come from the person with the drink problem. The drinker must accept they have a problem. That’s the first and continuing problem. Few problem drinkers admit they’re dependent. Functioning alcoholics are high on the list of serial deniers.

Because alcohol is legal and increasingly a ‘normal’ part of socialising, it’s often even more difficult to get a problem drinker to admit it, then keep away from it.

please look after yourself. Do you have a friend, relation or someone you can talk about this with. Sharing your life with someone addicted to/dependent on substances or alcohol can be exhausting, distressing and isolating. My professional experience was an expectation a drinker/substance user would remain sober six months before you could begin to hope they may succeed in sobriety.

Many, many, many thanks for all the input. The person in question here is retired. One of you asked whether drinking 1/3 of a bottle of wine made you a functioning alcoholic (which is different in my understanding from a full blown alcoholic). I wish, is all I can say! My DH enjoys “a glass or 2 of wine” he tells people but I know that means 2 bottles every evening between about 4 & 6.30. Plus a bottle of beer sometimes. And he bought a bottle of port last week which is nearly empty. But he thinks there’s no problem as he doesn’t drink during the day or in the evening (sleeps...). Classic FA attitude! If I talk to our GP she can talk to him but if he found out I’d done that he’d not be happy!! I feel I’m alone in this. But you’ve all been so supportive. Thanks. X