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Daughter refusing all contact with me.

(145 Posts)
jennymolly Mon 25-Mar-19 20:44:53

My DD is nearly 48. She lives about 130 miles away in London with her long term partner. 17 years ago while we were visiting helping them with central heating problems my husband 'put his foot in it' by asking DDs partner if he was going to try to get a job soon as our DD was working 2 jobs to pay the mortgage and all the bills. Long story short, we were thrown out and since then we haven't been allowed in their house because partner won't allow it. DD visited us twice a year but he never did, so all family occasions, funerals of DDs grandparents, weddings of her brother and cousins etc only DD attended, not him.
Fast forward many years and our DS and his wife had our first and only grandchild after many years of waiting. Our DS has suffered very badly from an anxiety disorder since a teenager so his wife went back to work and DS remained at home and has proved the most wonderful father to his baby daughter. Money is short but they manage beautifully. Before the baby was born we altered our Will to allow 15% of any of our estate left to any grandchildren and the remaining 85% equally between our DD and DS. To say the s* hit the fan is an understatement. Our daughter, when we told her, went mad and her partner came on the phone telling us we were disgusting, we'd never loved our DD and he used disgusting language to us. They did the same to our DS . Since then DD hasn't spoken to us and stopped texting and emailing soon after. She has blocked me from all social media and now we've found out has been bad mouthing us to most of our relatives behind our backs. I'm beyond destraught and on top of all this I'm in remission from bowel and liver cancer and my husband from priate cancer. She was a good, sweet little girl and we had a lovely family life. Her Dad her brother and I are all so very very sad. Is there anything more I can do. I love my DD but her continuing unkindness is breaking my heart.

Day6 Mon 25-Mar-19 20:55:02

How sad jennymolly.

Family rifts are always painful but your DD and her partner have a different arrangement from DS and his family. Your son is pulling his weight and your daughter's partner isn't.

That he isn't is their business I suppose, if your DD is OK with him being jobless.

The damage is done I am afraid but your DD and her partner are old enough to know what they are doing. They choose to remain offended and punish you.

Perhaps you could write to your daughter and explain your son may not have a job outside the house but he is working in looking after his child and has domestic duties which he can cope with, and he is also supporting his working wife. It's a different situation.

Perhaps you could admit that you shouldn't have judged their set-up, but your concern all those years ago was for her well being. Tell her you love her, and leave it at that,

I hope she will come round.

BlueBelle Mon 25-Mar-19 21:01:39

Oh dear Jenny what a sad sad story I personally can’t see anything wrong with your will both children getting equal shares and one grandchild getting a smaller amount presumably if things were to have changed and your daughter had a child I m sure you would have changed it accordingly
What a shame you told anyone what you were leaving in your will I think that’s best left as private until you actually go
I don’t think there’s much you can do really as you were already on the naughty step so this just puts you a step higher
It’s particularly sad as neither you or your husband are in good health I don’t think there’s much you can do except let this all die down for now It sounds as if it’s the partner who’s nasty and your daughter is backing him up
I hope things settle for you

notanan2 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:04:36

It was a pretty mysogynistic comment. It suits plenty of men to have housewives and it suits some women to have house husbands.

DH and I both work but I do more hours and earn more and I did not like it as much in the past when it was the other way round.

They are completely out of order re the will. I would tell them that since they are not entitled to any inheritance being adult non deoendants, you wont be telling them about the content of any will updates. It might go to them, it might go to a donkey sanctuary. They'll just have to wait and see, you wont discuss it further and they should not count on it. At any rate tell them you plan to have an extravagant old age so even 100% of what you leave might be 20p!

sodapop Mon 25-Mar-19 21:11:55

No I can't see anything wrong your will arrangements either jennymolly it does seem as if your daughter's partner is determined to wrong foot you now. Like BlueBelle I think you just have to let things settle down for a while. Take time to rest, relax and recover.

Tangerine Mon 25-Mar-19 21:30:45

You leave your money as you wish.

17 years ago your husband may have put his foot in it but I suspect they've rather held onto the grudge.

Your son is looking after his child so the situation seems completely different.

Does your DD know you and your DH are ill? If not, I think you should perhaps let her know.

I am sorry for you.

M0nica Mon 25-Mar-19 21:47:42

There is a prayer called the 'Serenity Prayer'.It says:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

You are currently trying to change the things you cannot change. Accepting that things cannot be changed is very hard indeed, especially when it involves those so near to you, but it is really the only way forward.

And if change does come unexpectedly, what an additional pleasure.

BlueBelle Mon 25-Mar-19 23:14:06

You have two threads identical why not ask HQ to connect them

agnurse Tue 26-Mar-19 00:21:12

I agree that your daughter was out of line. She isn't entitled to your money.

That said, your comment to her was out of line. How she and her partner manage their home and finances are not your affair. If you thought so little of her partner, I am not surprised that he didn't want to come to family events. He may well have felt he would not be welcome.

Whether you write her an apology note is up to you. But it should not include statements such as, "I'm sorry but I was just trying to look out for you!" That's not an apology. It could quite possibly make her even more angry. A sincere apology would be simply, "I'm sorry. How you organize your home is not my business. I was out of line. I would ask you to please forgive me."

agnurse Tue 26-Mar-19 00:25:20

Day6

I wouldn't go with that response. The daughter will likely find it patronizing and inappropriate. It effectively reads as, "Well, see, your brother actually DOES something while your partner just sits around like a lazy bum. I don't really approve of this, but I'm sorry your feelings got hurt. I think you can't properly look after yourself or decide what you want in a partner, so I thought I'd better tell him to shape up." Maybe that isn't what you mean, but that is how it's likely to be received.

The man may not have come to family gatherings as he may have felt unwelcome. I've been treated similarly by my FIL. He is now Granddad Who We Don't See.

stella1949 Tue 26-Mar-19 01:19:53

Do what you like with your money, but why did you feel you had to tell them about your will ? It's not their business and as you've seen, it can cause problems if you "spill the beans" when you are still alive.

willa45 Tue 26-Mar-19 01:26:37

Time heals all wounds they say, but for the moment I don't think wordy apologies or references to what happened 17 years ago, would be helpful.

One way forward would be to let your daughter know that it has never been your intent (both you and your H) to be unfair or to slight, hurt or offend anyone (avoid going into specifics or mentioning the past). You can let her know also, that your door will always remain open because you both love her very much and that will never change, regardless of how she feels towards you.

agnurse Tue 26-Mar-19 02:27:54

willa45

I agree, that would be a wonderful idea and that may go a ways toward mending fences. It also puts the ball in her court.

Lyndiloo Tue 26-Mar-19 02:45:00

It's not your daughter's business who you leave your money to. And, of course you will want to leave your only grandchild something in your will.

Oh, you shouldn't have told her! But now that you have, do not be bullied!

Your daughter's outrage and anger may be partly due to the fact that she didn't have children (a sad thing for her). And I doubt that she would be so aggressive if her children were inheriting a share of that 15%!

All you can do now is try to keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you love her, and always will. (But that you love your son and granddaughter too.)

It may never work out well. But you have done your best. Try now to find some peace in that.

Good luck.

Margot3 Tue 26-Mar-19 03:38:58

You did absolutely nothing wrong. If your daughter had a child, she would be pleased that her child would receive something for the future. I'm sorry to say that I believe your daughter's boyfriends bad attitude has rubbed off on her. She sounds money grabbing and jealous of her brother's baby. Only time will tell if you resolve this. I wish you a speedy recovery. If you don't hear anything from your daughter for years, would you consider removing her from your will?

BlueBelle Tue 26-Mar-19 05:14:12

Magot3 I disagree with you, although original poster did nothing wrong she was very unwise to tell the children what she was doing with her will. I also disagree with your last sentence two wrongs don’t make a right and sounds really peevish which I m sure Jenny isn’t
I think all you can do as Lyndiloo says is keep all lines of communication open and let her know you love her whatever
I do hope both your health improves

Anja Tue 26-Mar-19 06:29:36

I’m making a new will and will not be telling anyone what is in it.

Urmstongran Tue 26-Mar-19 07:09:46

I don’t see any harm in telling beneficiaries what is in your will. I wonder if the OP just wanted it ‘above board’ rather than ‘surprise’ everyone after her demise. She probably didn’t either expect any upset, or if she had an inkling, wanted it accepted before the sad time of funeral plans.

And 15% sounds perfectly reasonable. So that boils down to the daughter’s share of the ‘loss’ being 7.5%. Ridiculous to make such a nasty drama out of it, in my opinion!

Anja Tue 26-Mar-19 07:57:16

Well I’d say this has done harm to an already fragile relationship.

MawBroon Tue 26-Mar-19 08:04:25

It didn’t do King Lear any good.
Maybe we should see a lesson in it.

MamaCaz Tue 26-Mar-19 08:08:12

For the sake of the son, I think it is probably better that his sister does know the terms of the will now (which seem perfectly reasonable anyway).
His sister's reaction now will have hit him hard now, but imagine him having to cope with all this bad feeling at the same time as losing a parent.
At least there is, hopefully, time for his sister to come to terms with this between now and the inevitable.
Sprung on them after the death, with no warning and no opportunity to talk it over with the OP and know that this will had been thought through and made in the best of faith, I imagine that DS will cope better with any 'fallout' that might come his way at that time.

M0nica Tue 26-Mar-19 08:10:23

Margot the original remark was made 17 years ago. Who on earth holds a grudge over an undoubtedly inappropriate, but neither insulting nor grossly prejudicial remark for 17 years?

NfkDumpling Tue 26-Mar-19 08:15:57

I with notanan2.

MamaCaz Tue 26-Mar-19 08:38:47

I'm with M0nica

eazybee Tue 26-Mar-19 09:16:05

If your daughter's partner has spent the last seventeen years jobless and living off her while she is the sole breadwinner, I think your husband's remark was entirely justified. The same would apply if it was a woman without children. Your daughter's behaviour is dreadful, discussing it with family members and abusing her brother, and I don't think you should blame it entirely on the partner.

It is not a good idea to tell people the content of wills. I know, and wish I didn't, that two grandchildren (unrelated) but in regular contact, have been disinherited by their grandparents because of their unwarrantedly hostile behaviour towards them following the divorce of their parents.