Anniebach
I think I have the right to defend what I said, because I have been accused of having a view which has been disparaged by the words "‘you do not know because you do not know the man"
I said that I spoke only about the situation which jennymolly described, in which she extensively described what the man does and says. I carefully read her description of the man her DD is with, in her original post and in further posts she made.
I think it is helpful if we remember the kind of person jennymolly has described. People are asking her to try and befriend him, keep the door open, always invite him etc. My experience led me to talk about what kind of person he is based upon the considerable amount of information we have here about how he behaves and has done so over many years, for example in the thread Jenny wrote: her
"daughter had found out that her partner was running up bills on her card and hiding the receipts etc. They were getting in debt because of his secret spending and our daughter was working 7 days a week to pay off HIS debts. Also she was doing all the shopping cleaning cooking etc whilst he did nothing" I felt he was not the kind of person who would respond to a friendly invitation. Indeed, there could be a good chance that he would abuse it. I do believe he is a wicked and controlling man who has kept Jenny's DD away from her family and kept her against her family. I find it very odd that the daughter tolerates his behaviour and accepts the conditions she has to live in. I think he has got a hold over her. This does happen. We know about the leaders of Cults being able to completely control people but we never hear about the individual people that are kept like slaves by controlling and coercive men. (Usually they are male). I fear this could be the situation because Jenny's daughter's life is so very drab.
I give my view based on the information jennymolly has given and she has not objected. He is a very horrible man, and while her daughter is under his control, I do not think it will be likely she will be able to connect with her. I have suggested a means of trying, by writing to her at her workplace in the hopes her daughter will not show this man the communication. I do not think trying to act as if he is a normal person with normal morals and feelings and constantly including him in all invitations etc will get Jenny and her husband anywhere. Indeed I would expect it to backfire.
I made it clear that my interest here is in how to help jennymolly cope in a horrible situation, using the information she has kindly entrusted to us.
However, when a respondent misquotes me or says something completely wrong about me, I do feel I should at least have the right to point out the truth about what I sad and about how I gain and use information.
jennymolly Just out of interest, have you ever noticed if your DD's partner ever shows regret or remorse when he hurts her or does anything that causes her pain or inconvenience? Was he, I wonder, sorry that he ran up a debt on her card behind her back and that she has to have two jobs to pay off the debts? It gives an interesting insight into his way of thinking if you have noticed whether he feels remorse for doing something that hurts another person, especially your DD.
I would try and make your own life as good as you can. Sadly we just can't control our adult children, I know only too well that mine seem so different now. Actually I hear a lot of my friends say how different their children's generation's outlooks are from us. I wouldn't really know, but they do have a tougher time I think. I think friends in our own age group are usually more understanding and supportive for us. My children are just so extraordinarily busy! Please treat your self and your husband. Do special things whenever you can. Afternoon tea? Buy flowers.... Thankfully the weather is brightening up and it should start to be warm enough to sit outside fairly soon.. (fingers crossed). Oh! And if you can, do what was suggested earlier - spend the inheritance!!! Get Equity Release if you can!!
Lots of love Tea Elle x