Empty Nest

Its tough....I amost felt bereaved when my youngest daughter left home....my parents died then 4 years of each other and then its coming up to 2 yrs since my husband suddenly died.
I now volunteer for 3 brilliant causes and see my family when they have time....my dog is my liason with new and existing doggie friends...4 and 2 paws?
Being busy with purpose is my way and it works for me most days.
Hope you find your niche ....keep smiling.....great therapy.

Minniemoo, I am heading for that very shortly. I've been a Mum for 35 years and my last child is waiting for his exam results to see which Uni he is heading to in the Autumn. Although I will still have my grandchildren around who need my help, it won't be the same. I love having my child in the house and although I adore my husband, seeing life through a young person's eyes is invigorating in some ways. I know I will get through it, adjust to life without him and find new ways to spend my time but his leaving will start a grieving process that I have to go through to get to the other side.

‘Empty arms syndrome’ - dead right! We’ve just come back from a week with older son and his family - who live a plane ride away - and missing the daily contact very much at the moment!

I found myself hugging my son and saying I really missed him - I’ve done the stoical, stiff upper lip, like my mum and dad did with us, but sometimes I think they need to know!

DD will go to uni in a few months. She is my only child. I am dreading it. I am looking around for ideas of how to fill the void so that I remain an interesting and interested person but struggling to find anything that fires me up with enthusiasm. I have loved every part of being a Mum and whilst I know I will always be her Mum, I realise that my life is going to change a great deal.

Yes I've been here too.My son left to go travelling for a year, I was devastated, i found evening meal times worse as this was the time we sat down and chatted. I coped by doing more hours at work, and seeing friends more. He came back after 6 months, lived at home for another 5 years, and at 30 left to set up home with his girlfriend, by which time I was more than ready for him to leave.Be happy that you can see your daughter very regularly, it could be a lot worse.Be happy

Reading through this with interest, it’s imminent for me too.
Although I do have my OH I fear for us / me .
I’m the home bod he gets off out and about more than I do I have the dogs but.... two of ours are due to go at he same time well three if you count a partner. They’ve all been saving to buy and it seems it’s all happening at the same time.

My three boys all left on the same day & moved into a flat together,I was absolutely heartbroken & every time I went upstairs to clean their bedrooms I just couldn’t stop crying when I looked round & all their stuff was gone.Think this lasted for about 6 months but gradually I got use to it.......they are all married with families now & all live within a 5 mile radius of us so see them all at least once a week.I would struggle to have them back to live now because I’m older & it’s hard work looking after a family but I love it when they they all come to visit or we have a family barbecue.

I’m very lucky because I also have a daughter ,she is the eldest & always includes her Dad & I ,I often have a day out with her & my granddaughter, so I count myself very lucky.

Don't be too hard on yourself you have had some big changes and its bound to take time to adjust. My son was the last to go off to Uni 23 years ago now, at the time I wondered if anyone would come home and over the next few years there was a lot of coming and going. Gradually they all settled and the GC started to arrive, by then I had found some new interests and friends. Now I miss the DGC as they go off to Uni and grow up quickly, its life!

I'm with Hetty et al - no empty nest issues here, glad they are all making their way in the world and I can live my life as I please, selfish moi ?
I do sympathise with those people who struggle with this but there is so much to do out there in the big wide world so enjoy.

My 5 all left to work in different areas when they were 16, in fact, one was 15 3/4.
Of course I cried and mourned, still mourn on the odd occasion and laugh when we meet and cry when we part.
Mothers are irrevocably entwined with their children no matter what they say or do. It's an unbreakable connection.
Be glad that your DD is standing on her own two feet instead of getting under yours.
It's a job well done when they fly.

I hate to be cynical but your daughter certainly had a plan. ?
Of course she's really happy that you moved as it fits in with her having you as a babysitter.
I hope it works out for you but I won't be surprised if at some time in the future, you feel put upon and tired and it escalates to overnights and school holidays etc.
I'm sure you've read lots of posts on the subject but in case you haven't, I assure you, it's not all a bed of roses though you may, at the outset, beg to differ.
Once committed, it's very hard to withdraw.
Best wishes

Hi Minniemoo,

It’s early days for you plus losing your Mum as well it is a lot of grieve to deal with and even though we know that they will leave home it is still hard, no matter how busy you are or how many hobbies you have, everyone is different in how much support they have as well. You sound a great Mum and your daughter also. I reckon your daughter will be missing you just as much and will come to you with all sorts of things for support. My only child my daughter left home three and a half years ago three hours away and my Mam died the two weeks after she left. I feel less grieve than I did but it has been a long road to recovery. Luckily like your daughter she keeps in touch and our relationship is great like it sounds yours is. We always miss them and some days are better than others, I’ve joined a support group to chat to other like minded people about it as it helps knowing I’m not crazy missing her as it’s hard to discuss it with people as we all know it’s what they are meant to do but sometimes we have other things to deal with at the same time and need a little help or someone to chat to. Remember you’ve done a good job ??

My 15:48 post was to Greta8

May I suggest you join your local U3A (University of the Third Age) - so much to do, from Reading Groups to language classes, holidays, walking and discussion groups and many more activities. There is bound to be something to get you out and about, meeting lovely likeminded people. You’ll be surprised how many members are also “Empty Nesters”!

I love being just with my husband after bringing up our son and daughter. We love them both, their spouses and their children more than I can say. However, this is the time to rediscover how much you like being with each other again.
I silently give thanks every morning that we are lucky enough to share another day together. Not that we live in each other's pockets , we both have busy fulfilling lives. Some of my friends have lost their partners or husbands and I am so grateful that we still have each other.
We encourage our children to make time for their spouses
amid the hard work of parenting.

Hi all and many thanks for all the helpful advice and sympathy as well! It has taken me by surprise and I do lead quite an active life. Took early retirement last year and we do a fair amount of travelling. Got plenty of friends who lunch etc etc. And a fabulous patient husband! And yes, to whoever mentioned smartphones. I do have one. Whatsapp is indeed a great way to keep in touch. It is indeed a transition and it all changes and I just have to adapt which I'm sure I will. I manage to wave goodbye to her without tears when she heads back. Funny thing is I was a total wild child. Left my parents home at 17 and went on to live in the Canary Islands causing all sorts of stress to my parents! No contact for months. I'd phone every now and then just to let them know I was still alive. My three have all been quiet in comparison. And as Kwest says, thank goodness I have my husband. I too have friends who are alone, alone when their sprogs have taken off so I must count my blessings. And of course I have my lovely dog Many thanks again to all who've commented. You've been a great help. It's just nice to be able to discuss these things. as Guineagirl has said. My RL friends would be amazed if they knew that I'd been struggling as I haven't told a soul really! Also many thanks to Magmar. I've never heard of U3A but it sounds interesting. Thanks again to all

As mentioned before, it’s the start of a new phase, and an exciting one really, but it doesn’t always feel like that. When our children were growing up we tried hard to ensure they became independent and could look after themselves as adults, one is now married and the other lives abroad, both happy but sometimes I feel as though I shot myself in the foot!! Growing up and flying the nest is what should happen, and I console myself that they are both independent adults, and also remind myself that the alternative is that we would have two 40 year old children living with us and that would not be good for them ( or us!) Keep smiling and remind yourself you have done your job ??

Daughter lives round the corner and we saw a lot of them as our grandchildren were growing up. We collected them from school regularly and babysat evenings and long weekends so they could go away with friends. Now that the GC are in their late teens we hardly see them. The empty nest has really hit us. I feel a bit used and I feel my daughter has forgotten all we did for her. She never had to pay for any babysitting and she could carry on with her job the whole time.

My other daughter lives a distance away and is always very grateful for any opportunity we get to help look after the GC.

I feel dreadful saying this, but one of mine has returned home following a relationship breakdown, and I actually resent him being here.

I bawled like a baby when the last one moved out, but I've gradually got used to it just being my husband and I at home, and having the freedom to just do as we please etc.

My son isn't intrusive in any way, and he doesn't expect me/us to cook for him etc, but he's just "there".

No matter how much I love him, I'm looking forward to the day that he finds himself somewhere else to live again.

I, too, suffered that loss of youngest one going four years ago. Now I have to pick him up tomorrow from university. He’s back here. We will both find it odd.

It took me along time to get over "empty nest " I realised that i needed new interests and a new routine.I adore living alone,i know that when i walk through the door it`s going to be peaceful and everything is where i left it.I sometimes worry they might have relationship breakdowns and want to move back!

They left, they came back, they left again; they built their own nests and hatched their own chicks. What's not to like?

I just remember breathing a sigh of relief when they went. Three have come back temporarily at times and got on my nerves.

20 yrs ago my husband of 18 years told me that he was leaving me for another woman and ta few, short months later I found out my mom was dying. I had mom to care for and my sons to raise so the grief and emptiness fell upon me in great, smashing waves in between my responsibilities. I had to focus on my kids, though. 9 years ago my dog died and my youngest, 21 at the time, moved out within a week's time. I can't say it was worse in terms of pain but the feeling of sadness and loss was more pervasive in my daily life and thoughts.

The losses seem to compound and I felt alone and stripped of what used to define me the most. That constant emptiness was what got to me. Love my kids the same, of course, but got along the best with the youngest. Loved, loved, loved having his energy and sweet face around the house. That, and the fact that he was the last one to go, made it harder to cope with for awhile.

Over time, it just gradually felt more natural to have them visit and at some point it became fun and exciting to get into new things. I literally had to reach back and remember that I was an individual on my own with dreams and interests before being a wife or mom. I actually feel better now than ever because I'm retired, I get to decide what I want to do every single day, and I get to have my lovely sons and their wives and girlfriends around whenever it works for everyone. As I said, it just took a bit of time.

Giving you a big hug from the US!