7 year old grandson, recently lost mother, refuses to learn to read and write

thought it didn't ring true, esp the offhand matter of fact detail of the death of her DD, and that said DD did not speak to or engage with GS.
let alone the overall presentation of the problem, as a behavioural/academic issue.
it's mean and immature to prey upon GNers good natures.

This post was resurrected from August 2019 by a post from Debbie2221 which has been deleted. I did not see the post before deletion but I imagine that is what is being referred to by Urmstongran re being rumbled!!

me too Missfoodlove!

What have I missed????

Stop now!
You’ve been rumbled & several of us have reported these posts.

Nice try though.

There is a wonderful book available via Amazon called “ The invisible string”

It’s for bereaved children, the language is simple and the message is beautiful, it could help with the grieving and also engage your grandson.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Poor, brave little boy! Could your son possibly get some kind motherly woman to come in and cuddle him and tell him simple stories?

It may be that there is a combination of the mother not "engaging" with the children and a child's fear that as a result his mother's death is somehow his fault. If so, he will be feeling particularly bad, with guilt added to the grief.

grandtante: Many thanks for your kind words. Actually the school itself if probably the best for him, in the long run. Liberal arts (difficult to find where they live) and generally 'holistic' but in this case... not so much. His mother was Spanish speaking but didn't really 'engage' with the children and unfortunately spoke very little with them.

Absent: She was buried and they have visited her grave a number of times. It's interesting what you say about him being worried that his father may die too... It's something to think about when we are there and speaking to him gently about. It's very difficult to bring up the subject unless it's something he wants to speak about. At the moment he appears to be 'ok' but we are not there... My son is very pro-active with both the children and always has been.

Bluebelle: My son is his father. His mother was from South America. My son reads to him every night and makes up stories.

Three months is a short time to expect a seven-year-old child to oversome his grief – if anyone, whether adult or child, actually ever overcomes their grief when the most important person in their lives dies. Reading to him rather than expecting him to read would probably be a good idea, but right now the school curriculum is almost certainly more than he can bear to focus on.

If the family is Catholic – not uncommon in South America – his mother will almost certianly be buried rather than cremated. If she is, then taking him to her grave to make her a special garden – planting ground-cover flowers and decorating it with pretty stones and shells – is a way of helping a child say "goodbye".

I recall going through a stage round about seven when I used lie awake at night worrying about my parents dying. It is very possible that there is an unspoken fear that his father will die too, which, of course, he eventually will, but probably not while your grandson is still a child. Perhaps some gentle questioning about his fears and a gentle but strightforward conversation about death might clear some distress and confusion in his mind. After all, it not uncommon for children whose mother/father/sibling has died to think that somehow it is her/his fault.

Being read to is so important so I hope his father can find the time to do that.

Reading to him is the best way to get him interested in written words, books with pictures that are fun and a bit repetitive. I presume that some good English books have been translated into Spanish.

Boys are often more disinclined to learn to read and write at that age and he may not need that added pressure from the school just at the moment.
Encouraging a love of books could be the key.


I'm sorry for your loss and wish you all the best when you go to see them again.

I m unsure of your relationship in this ? is the father your son? Or was the mother your daughter?? you don’t speak as if either are !
I totally disagree with gonegirl let him play his way out if it what a stupid thing to say A child has the most traumatic event in his life you could imagine and you think he can play his way out of it What planet are you on

Try to get the boy's father to find another school that has a more understanding approach to a child who has just lost his mother.

Am I right that his mother spoke English with him?
If so the child is refusing to read and write Spanish in order to feel closer to his mother. He doesn't realise this, but the adults around him need to.

If they continue to live in South America, he will learn to read and write Spanish, sooner or later, but pushing him now will only make his resistance to the language worse and probably result in other problems, like bed-wetting, stammering, you name it.

Is there any grief counselling available for the children? Probably their father would benefit from it too.

I am dreadfully sorry for your loss, all of you, was the child's mother your daughter or daughter-in-law? Please let us know, how the family progresses.

Bereavement counselling/support is not interfering with what is a natural process ...it is helping someone to go through that process in a healthy way so that they can live well with their loss! 12 months time, damage can be done if a child is not helped to deal with their absolutely right emotions ..and for a little boy being put under pressure at school, it is even more important!!

Perhaps he is worried he might lose his Dad as well? I wonder how Dad is coping? That might affect the little chap too. So many things could be going on in his mind which he can't articulate. Very hard.

Thanks RoMO I misunderstood. Do you speak Spanish?

Perhaps Dad could simply do the bedtime reading and point at each word as he read. It is a great way to get a child to know that words are the same in print as when read out and he may subconsciously start to realise he is reading.

We don't know what is going on in his mind, he could think that anything could go away and leave him so have lost trust in everything. There are lots of little things which can be done to encourage him to look and learn without being 'taught' anything, not just words. Pointing out Road signs and discussing what they mean, telling him things along the road side. I think we probably all knew the word Kellog before we could read. Perhaps just engaging him in more things would help him want to learn. I'm not a teacher or psychologist so could be completely wrong but can't see that it would do any harm.

The little boy sounds fine to me. Bye.

Specialist counselling isn't messing with minds, it's important to understand that - and interestingly, play is often a feature of support that children receive from CAMHS.

Yes, he might have stuff to deal with in later life. A lot of people do. But messing about with his mind now will not help.

He's seven years old. Let him play his way out of it.

Actually, children aren't as resilient as you might think. Google ACEs.

Because playing happily with your friends at 7 isn't the same as coping long term with the death of your mum as a young child.

Worth a shot, isn't it? I'd rather offer it and have it not needed then for the wee mite to suffer in the future.