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Wedding invites

(64 Posts)
Lizbethann55 Sun 03-Nov-19 16:47:24

Here is a real hot potato! My DS has just got engaged to the most wonderful girl. We are over the moon. They have started to write their wedding guest list and come up against the usual problem. Who can they leave off?! They are blessed with many wonderful and dear friends that they want to share the day with. But we also have big families. On our side alone there are over 30 siblings, aunts, uncles , cousins. I have two brothers and although we don't see them often ( they live a distance away) we are all close and there are 5 Male cousins and the 6 boys are very close in age and get on so well whenever we do meet up. Of course, now they are grown up, they have wives, girlfriends, fiancees to include. My husbands sister, who lives round the corner, is a lot older and had her children very young, so, although cousins, they are much older than my DS. In fact one has children who are nearer to my DS in age. Two of them live a long way away and we never ever see them. We send Christmas cards and they all came to my daughters weddings. Even when they come to see their mum we never see them. DS has not had an engagement congratulation card off any of them. The two boys are my sons godfathers. I know you will all say "don't invite them. Invite who you want". And that is what I want to say. But the problem is my SiL. Rational, fair argument are not anywhere near her nature. She is like living with an unexploded but ticking bomb, and always has been. She so easily takes offence at the very slightest, usually imaginary thing. Then there are the sulks, the put downs and, worst of all, the silences. The worst one lasted ten years! and covered the deaths of both her parents. It turned out my DH had said "suit yourself "! Apparently no one had ever spoken to her like that in her life!! She is snubbing us at the moment because she would not listen when we asked her to move up the bench at church. It was absolutely nothing, but she stormed off and sat at the back. So the thought of not inviting her children to our DSs wedding is almost impossible even though they are virtual strangers to my son and if all these people come my DS and nearly DiL may not be able to invite all their friends. The wedding will not be local and their friends are scattered all over the country. Any advice please.

GrannyGravy13 Sun 03-Nov-19 16:52:13

It is your son and his fiancé's wedding, please do not put any pressure on them to invite family just because they are family.

For the sake of unity and an ongoing good relationship with them both encourage them to have "their wedding their way"

Gran2028 Sun 03-Nov-19 16:55:25

Your DS and nearly DiL should have the wedding THEY want and invute the people THEY want to attend. With lots of love, compromise and a little bit of luck this is the only time they will do this so its THEIR day. And everyone else will just have to put up with it... that is your response to any adverse commens.
Life is too short and weddings too expensive to pander to tantrum throwers!

glammanana Sun 03-Nov-19 16:59:23

My son decided to have their wedding abroad and invite immediate family,mums/dads/best man & bridesmaid then held a family party when they came home it went down very well indeed.

Marydoll Sun 03-Nov-19 17:01:06

I agree with GrannyGray,
My daughter is getting married in March and the majority of guests will be her and her fiance's friends.
You can't ask everyone and I have had said to her that it is their wedding day and to choose just immediate family to leave room for their friends, instead of inviting people they have not seen in years.

It is so easy to get carried away in the excitement of the engagement.

Granarchist Sun 03-Nov-19 17:10:37

I totally agree with those responses. At all three of our daughters' wedding - they drew up the guest list themselves and then came to us to ask if there was anyone we particularly wanted to invite. As it happened there was no-one as they had actually invited our closest friends anyway because the girls felt it was our friends that had helped to bring them up. Luckily we did not have any difficult relations. Your SIL cannot be allowed to dictate her nephew's wedding plans. Just NO! If necessary blame the bride (joke).

Calendargirl Sun 03-Nov-19 17:14:03

My sister was put out when her three adult children and partners were only invited to the evening do at my son’s wedding. (It was only a smallish day do)

Fast forward to her own childrens’ weddings. The elder son married in Las Vegas, no one invited, younger son not married, and her daughter had a small day do to which we, her only aunt and uncle were not invited, let alone the cousins. But that was their prerogative, no one nowadays should feel obliged to ask heaps of relatives.

Most of the nephews and nieces on my husband’s side never ask any family to their weddings, no fall outs or anything, just don’t see much of them, and TBH, not really bothered.

Eloethan Sun 03-Nov-19 18:27:26

Normally, I would hate to upset a family member but, since your son rarely sees his cousins and does not have a close relationship with them, I think it's OK for them not to be invited. As your sister in law is such a difficult person and seems to make a habit of taking offence, (frankly, I think I might quite welcome another ten-year silence!) I don't think I would prioritise her feelings over that of the two people getting married.

sodapop Sun 03-Nov-19 18:51:53

I agree with Eleothan your sister in law should not be prioritised because she is difficult.
It's down to your son and his fiancee to choose the guests.

FlexibleFriend Sun 03-Nov-19 19:03:31

Their wedding so they choose the guests, they invite the people who are important to them and no one else.

grannyactivist Sun 03-Nov-19 19:16:54

I agree with those who say that this decision is best made by the bride and groom.

Lizbethann55 Mon 04-Nov-19 20:39:27

Thank you so much. You have all said what I think. My SiL is such a nightmare that we all tiptoe around her feelings. My two daughters had big weddings so numbers weren't a problem. This one will not be as big and I would hate them to not invite friends because they have to invite family. I think I just needed reassurance that it is the right thing to do. I think I will suggest (any decisions are theirs) that they only invite family members that they have both met. Thank you all. Xx

Daisymae Tue 05-Nov-19 07:49:30

It would seem odd to invite people to a wedding that you had never met! As your sil already is cross with you there's nothing to be lost by not inviting her.

Sara65 Tue 05-Nov-19 08:00:55

I agree, their wedding, their guest list.

When my oldest daughter married, she felt strongly that the only people to be invited were people who really meant something to her. Inevitably a few people were a bit put out, but we had a lovely mix of their closest friends, close family friends, and immediate family.

Unless you’ve got a bottomless pit of money, Lizbethann, I would stop right now, and rethink it.

LullyDully Tue 05-Nov-19 08:10:08

Just think of the cost. Unless it's a self catering wedding, the cost will be out of control. I agree to let them invite who they want as the family is too large. You may need to explain to them all that a huge one sided family wedding isn't practical ( particularly with the anticipated had feeling. )

PS.As our family gets larger we have the same problem. We have several " Chrismas" get togethers.

grandadoscar Tue 05-Nov-19 11:35:51

They should have the wedding they want. Possibly some people choose to get married abroad to avoid lots of this and reduce costs. In reality do you invite lots of people you barely know or put a deposit down on a house it’s these sorts of huge figures.

sazz1 Tue 05-Nov-19 11:42:04

Don't understand all the fuss about weddings. We had immediately family at the ceremony then buffet and party afternoon and evening in a large hall with disco. Skipped the sit down meal too expensive and there's who do u invite/not invite. Large hall or club room and everyone can come. Nieces did the same at their weddings.

JacquiG Tue 05-Nov-19 11:49:16

Who's wedding is it? Who is paying for it? You could say the cost needs to be limited, as we did. And we still had a lovely time at DD's wedding. Really good comments above. Don't ask people who will get you uptight, it's a busy day as it is. Have a beautiful day.

Parklife1 Tue 05-Nov-19 11:53:57

I was never consulted about the guest list for my children’s weddings and I didn’t expect to be. I think my son asked my husband about aunts and uncles, but it was ultimately, their choice.

I suppose we were fortunate that I have no family and DH not very much, so there wasn’t the potential for massive upset.

It’s your son and daughter in law to be’s wedding. Leave them to compile the guest list and to invite the people they want to invite. That way you’ll be able to stay friends with them, which surely is more important that someone you rarely see taking offence.

Summerlove Tue 05-Nov-19 11:57:46

Honestly? Let her kick off. I bet you’ll feel so much better being “punished” by silence than tip toeing around her!

Authoress Tue 05-Nov-19 11:58:38

Good grief. I'd never invite that woman to anything ever again.

jaylucy Tue 05-Nov-19 12:01:55

I can understand your worry. When I got married, many moons ago, my dad was one of 10 and I , at that time, had 21 cousins - only 5 of them had children.
Saving grace(if you can call it that) was that my OH was from overseas so only ended up with his stepfather (his mother wouldn't fly over) and his sister and BiL.
Don't worry about your SiL opinion - it really is nothing to do with her as it is your son, not hers getting married. Easiest thing I'd guess is that those in the family that you DS has contact with. and friendly with, could be invited - the rest could always be invited either to the evening or have a separate party on another day. I think in this day and age, many people are more understanding in situations like this when everything is so expensive.

crimpedhalo Tue 05-Nov-19 12:11:29

Your sil sounds very narcissistic and giving in to her just feeds this particular character type. Great that your DH said suit yourself and stood up to her. Now giving the history and her histrionics your DS has the opportunity to say what he wants and their friends are a priority. My son married in Rhodes with all of their friends present. Us parents stayed home and gave them the money. We had daily photos sent and it was fabulous when they got married on the beach. Your sil is a queen manipulator....uncrown her. All the comments above are giving you permission to run your own life.....nobody should emotionally blackmail you in your decision making.

Dillyduck Tue 05-Nov-19 12:13:15

Whose wedding is it??

It's up to the couple to decide who comes and who doesn't,
I'd keep well out of it. Maybe if anyone asks, say "it's different these days, not like it was in the old days" or something similar.

Quizzer Tue 05-Nov-19 12:14:29

My DS and DIL solved the problem by getting married in Italy. They invited everyone, but guests had to pay for their own flights and accommodation. Over 50 people came! But only their closest friends and relatives were prepared to cough up. Important close friends who perhaps couldn't afford the trip were subsidized by the bank of Mum and Dad.
The wedding was a delight and cost half the price of a similar 'do' in the UK.