Wedding invites

He who pays the piper calls the tune. We helped the DD and her DH to buy their first house but when they married gave a reasonable but not tiny amount. In return they called the shots entirely and the invitation list was theirs without a murmur from us. The DSIL's parents paid a bit more, and, in return, availed themselves of some guest list tantrums and hissy fits.

Personally, I do not see why the OP's awful SIL who sulks and makes herself unpleasant, and whose DC the happy couple hardly know, should have a moment's consideration. She will make more trouble at the wedding on past showing so should definitely not be invited. I would have throught another decade's sulk would be a blessing for all.

However, if the guest list is left to the happy couple alone, then this absolves the OP of any responsibility.

When we got married many years ago my Mother took it upon herself to invite people we didn't even know and even asked the two girls next door to be bridesmaids without my knowledge. I felt like it wasn't really my wedding at all. When it came to my daughter's wedding I left it totally to them who they invited. They had a beautiful church ceremony just for very close family then they invited all their friends and other family members to the evening reception. It worked very well and everyone was happy, so I would say let them decide on who is invited and respect their wishes.

You can choose your friends but not your family - if a friend behaves badly then they probably won't remain a friend so why should we feel obliged to panda to badly behaved relatives - decide not to and a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders. Let the happy young people have the day they want to have - not the day anyone else expects of them. If people are offended then it's their problem not yours. Be excited for that your DS and DiL are having the day of their dreams with the love and support of the nearest and dearest of their own choice and enjoy every minute with a clear conscience.

When my daughter got married she fortunately chose a venue that had fire regulations that prevented more than a certain number attending! As her groom had a huge family & her future MiL had grand ideas that they should all come (she wasn't footing the bill!) we were very grateful to be able to give her a cast iron reason why they couldn't all be invited.

Lizbeth I got married in 1970. There were 14 people at our wedding and none of them were aunts, uncles or cousins, of whom I had many.

They all got over it

Leave your SiL to stew in her own juice, if you’ll forgive the rather inelegant expression.
But above all let your DS and DiL have the wedding they want, without interference from you. (Or SiL).

I think it’s best to let your son decide who to invite. I am estranged from my mother and sister. My eldest son invited them both to his wedding, but my younger only invited his nan. None of it anything to do with me, and no one made comment to either of my boys. I think these days, more and more couples are doing things their own way.

Many people ,including me do not enjoy weddings.
There is a lot of waiting around, boring speeches ,problem over transport and accommodation etc plus a huge amount of cost.
I think it is a pity that more folk are not honest......
Let the couple choose who they want to invite -probably friends of their age - but relatives etc who they rarely if ever see can be told after the event.
I bet the relatives will be relived not hurt especially if they are elderly.

My sister is much like your SIL. Your son and DIL to be need only invite who they want to. My sister was mad because I did not send Christmas presents to her step son who is 43! or her godchild. We can never please them and it has taken years for me to realize that, as well as making my family miserable. Have a joyful time.

It is clear that your SiL is a pain in the fundament all the time, so doing something she doesn't approve of, may cause a strop, but, hey, you are used to her stropping over nothing. You are doing her a kindness by giving her this opportunity to have another strop, she really ought to thank you for it.

Or in other words, you and your family should do what you want and ignore her.

I do understand the problem. My father was one of eleven and my MiL one of thirteen and we wanted a quiet wedding.

We got round it by having a quiet wedding, parents siblings, godparents and best man and woman and then a few weeks later each of our parents had a later home based reception, to scoop up the others and we atended each.

You could also drop a line to all those not included explaining the problem and asking them not to be upset if they are not among those invited to the event.

I’ve just attended a wedding to which my husband was not invited. It was my cousins daughter who got married I was delighted to be invited. On the other hand another cousin who’s partner wasn’t invited wouldn’t go. You won’t please everyone - so let the newly engaged couple have who they want at their wedding. Good luck with all the planning

Truthfully your SIL with her behaviour such as it is shouldn’t be invited !!

Gosh, I think I'd be quite pleased if I never had to see my SIL again, if she behaved like your SIL, Lizbethann55! She sounds a nightmare.

Let the young couple make the decisions, then it's nothing to do with you.

We had a similar situation with guests at my DD's wedding. Her fiancé has a v large family, 16 aunts & uncles and 38 cousins, (there are more now!) some of whom he'd never met. My dd solved the issue by saying that as we were contributing to the cost, she felt that the guest list should be divide into three, so she and fiancé asked 40 folk they wanted, we asked 40 from our family & friends and the IL's had to choose which of their hundreds of relatives & friends they wanted! Dd also stipulated that there was to be no horse-trading so that if two of our guests couldn't come, it didn't mean the IL's could invite two more. That all worked well for us.

Gone are the days when people throw their weddings open to all relatives, regardless if they see them or not. Leave it totally to the bride and groom, and if anyone goes off in a huff, let them, they’re no loss if they behave like that ! People should have respect for the fact of costs, number limitations at reception venues etc and just be happy for the couple.

At my daughter's wedding there were 9 guests, ie parents, sibling of each plus partners and the remaining grandparent, it was lovely, very intimate and everyone felt equally included. Better to spend the money on living after the wedding than on the wedding in my opinion. It was also far less stressful for the bride and groom. We all had a lovely time, sitting at the one large table, chatting and laughing together. Was first really small wedding I'd attended, and it was smashing as so relaxed. So I say only invite the people the happy couple want there, it's their day so let them decide and not feel obliged to invite all and sundry. I hope it all goes well.

It sounds as if she isn’t talking to you anyway and obvious doesn’t care if she upsets anyone so why are you bothered about her?

Ignore her and leave it to them

Your son and his fiancee should decide on guests. Why would they want to invite people they don't know or haven't seen. That has to be your "get out" phrase for the SIL.

Do yourself a favour and just jeep saying your wedding your guestlist. Even when asked for imput.

How about a post wedding family party...

Oooh weddings and funerals! Families behave so badly! My daughter chose the venue before deciding on a guest list - that way she knew what numbers she had to play with. She also banned under 12s, because they would cost £30 a head even for small children. She had 80 places for a sit down meal and invited immediate family, close friends (some of whom came from Europe and the US - no "plus 1s" - and then opened things up for the evening session. Some people were offended they couldn't bring their small children and/or new boyfriend/girlfriend but everyone survived!! And it was a good day. And it cost a lot of money!! My nephew and his fiance took themselves off to Las Vegas, had a fun wedding exactly the way they wanted, then had a big party when they came back, arranging food by booking a fish and chip stall, a falafal stall and a mobile bar, which people then bought as they wanted to eat and drink. Champagne was provided for toasts, and a wedding cake and desserts were provided too. It was much more economical, great fun and all ages attended, from babes in arms to great grannies! So there you have it - two totally different approaches, two fab days. Some noses put out of joint, but it's the couple's choice that matters, no-one else.

Oh dear...weddings and funerals seem to bring out the best and the worst in families.

I think it should be up to whoever is paying for the wedding to do the inviting.

Someone`s going to be hurt whatever you do.

Maybe having a reasonably sized wedding breakfast and a free for all night do will help.

My Nephew just had the most beautiful wedding, no arguments, no nastiness, just the very closest family, the bride and grooms parents, and any other siblings, and that was it! Not even I got an invite, but I was happy with that, as they are low on money, and the whole thing was filmed and edited perfectly.
They got married in a gorgeous little cottage, then went for a meal, and then all played a game of cards and had a drink afterwards! Some might call that dull, but you can see they had a wonderful time, no-one got upset because it was closest family only, they saved loads of money and yet still had the day they loved.

My sons and his fiancée chose there guest list from people who they had seen in the previous 12 months. No exceptions!

Stand back, its not your wedding. Get involved at your peril.
At my sons wedding there were 140 friends and it was a wonderful wedding. No family except siblings. We only knew a handful of people and had a ball. Their friends were awesome. When people tried to protest to me re their choice, l simply told them it was nothing to do with me and to speak to my son. Noone ever did.

Their wedding, their choices, and their responsibility! End of.

Who’s paying for this wedding? Weddings can be so traumatising. We handled our daughters one very badly 3 years ago, and although we’ve come through it, there’s most likely always going to be a line over which we can’t cross. I won’t go into details, but it would have been far easier if we’d said from the start they should pay for it themselves. Most people do these days apparently. If you’re paying, for goodness sake , don’t ask people who are difficult. If she can sulk for ten years because someone said “ suit yourself “ to her, she really isn’t worth the effort. Stick to people you love and love being around. Throw duty and obligation in the bin. If nothing else, it’s a waste of money to host people like that. Good luck?