Gransnet forums

Other subjects

Feeling very hurt at not being invited to party

(83 Posts)
SheilsM Fri 26-Jun-20 22:57:18

I live in a small hamlet. I have a lot of acquaintances here but only one real friend as in “normal” life I spent a lot of the year going to France. But I try to be friendly with everyone. Tonight there was a party and I wasn’t invited. I know from my friend that lots of people including her and her partner were going. I just heard a gang of people all going past my cottage presumably on their way home. I live on my own and am so hurt I can’t get to sleep. It’s helped to just write about it on here.
My only family live in France (my son and family) so cant imagine when I’ll see them next. So feeling incredibly lonely.

MawB Fri 26-Jun-20 22:59:51

Well correct me if I am wrong, but nobody shouldn’t be having parties yet should they?
Nobody likes feeling left out so I do sympathise.
Perhaps you will have to take the initiative and invite some of them round to yours - NOT that they deserve it!

Feelingmyage55 Fri 26-Jun-20 23:06:49

SheilsM. I feel for you. I have neighbours who have lots of parties and social evenings and I don’t get invited as they only have couples in the evening. I do get asked for a cup of tea occasionally of a morning and have to endure hearing about the party past and party to come. It really stings doesn’t it? When my neighbours asked to borrow chairs and dishes, but I clearly wasn’t invited I directed her to a hire company. I felt guilty but it seemed so hurtful.
I hope you can see your family soon. 💐

Esspee Fri 26-Jun-20 23:08:40

Perhaps you are away so much you simply aren't thought of as a local? I echo Maw's suggestion, invite some of them round.

Chewbacca Fri 26-Jun-20 23:32:59

After living for more than 40 years in a small village where most of us knew each other very well, I moved to this house last summer. Although the neighbours were friendly enough and said hello, there wasn't the same "friendliness" that I'd enjoyed at my old home. So a week before last Christmas, I stuck a post it note on to some Christmas cards, inviting my neighbours in for a Christmas drink so that we could meet up and get to know each other a little bit. I didn't know how many, if any, would actually turn up. In the event, everyone turned up and we had a brilliant pre Christmas party that went on until very late. On VE Day, we all got together and had a socially distanced party. Tomorrow afternoon, weather permitting, we're doing it again.

Be brave SheilsM, make the first move.

GrandmaKT Sat 27-Jun-20 03:47:32

Ah that's great Chewbacca, good for you!
Coincidentally, I'm feeling a bit put out about a party myself today. We are living in temp accommodation near my DS and Dil and DGS. Whilst we have been here (5 months) I have looked after DGS 3 days a week while DIL works, and in the evenings whenever they need me. No problemes there, I love having him. This weekend, Dil's mother is visiting, staying at their house. I heard Dil ask her if she could babysit on Saturday night so she could go to a colleague's 60th birthday party. She said to her mum "unless you'd like to come to the party?", and her mum said no, she'd be happy to babysit.
This morning, Dil texted me and asked if I was doing anything tonight. I said no, thinking, how nice, she knows that I don't have any friends here and, knowing I am the same age as the host, is going to take me to the party. So the next text reads "Great! Can you look after DGS as my mum has said she'd like to come to the party!"
Walked into that one!" hmm

Hetty58 Sat 27-Jun-20 04:03:38

It's totally idiotic and irresponsible to have a party in the middle of a pandemic. Why would you want to go?

Coolgran65 Sat 27-Jun-20 04:18:20

Hetty58 - it's not about whether or not there should e a party during a pandemic. It's about being invited or not.

Sparkling Sat 27-Jun-20 04:55:14

Do you really want to party with people that have a party in lockdown. It really makes a mockery of what the majority of the country have been doing, in particular essential workers.

Madgran77 Sat 27-Jun-20 06:16:19

Ignoring the fact that there shouldn't be a party at the moment, because that is not what you are feeling hurt about, I think Chewbaccas solution is a great one. As soon as allowed, make the first move...keep it simple so not stressful for you and show yourself to be a part of the community albeit on a part time basis in "normal times flowers

eazybee Sat 27-Jun-20 07:02:37

Setting aside the fact that a party in lockdown is rather dubious, I think you may well find that you are not invited is a)because you don't spend much time in your village so people don't know you very well, and b) because you are single. Sad but true.

It happened to me a lot when I first moved into the village with a largely absent, then divorced husband. It is hurtful, (sat in a darkened room listening to the happy chattering couples passing by on their way to parties) but the idea of inviting people round when we have the all-clear is a good one.

kittylester Sat 27-Jun-20 08:03:38

I think you could invite them during lockdown assuming you have a big enough outside space!

We had a 'party' with some of our neighbours on Thursday. It was really easy as they brought their own drinks, glasses etc and we just sat around chatting.

MawB Sat 27-Jun-20 08:15:16

eazybee

Setting aside the fact that a party in lockdown is rather dubious, I think you may well find that you are not invited is a)because you don't spend much time in your village so people don't know you very well, and b) because you are single. Sad but true.

It happened to me a lot when I first moved into the village with a largely absent, then divorced husband. It is hurtful, (sat in a darkened room listening to the happy chattering couples passing by on their way to parties) but the idea of inviting people round when we have the all-clear is a good one.

It’s true isn’t it?
I never thought life in the 21st century would be “coupley” - like those awful dinner parties exemplified by Abigails Party . A good friend in Scotland was widowed years ago, in her early 50’s and feeling completely cut off from a social life asked everybody to a huge supper party.
They came, they ate and drank and presumably enjoyed themselves but when it came to “return” invites? Not one sad
I swore it would never be like that for me - I am independent, I don’t mind going to plays or films on my own blah, blah, blah.
But it is not the same.
Kind friends ask me to lunch or an early supper before a film and (especially in the summer when we can eat outside) I am happy to invite friends to lunch BUT you have to be much more proactive when you are on your own and can feel much more rejected when an invite doesn’t work out. Or if everybody else seems too busy.
It is just that (big) bit harder to take your courage into both hands and take the plunge.
Good luck - I am sure it will work out for you but you may need to persevere!

sodapop Sat 27-Jun-20 08:17:36

Another vote here for Chewbacca's solution, be proactive and let people know you want to be friendly and included in things where possible.

Bathsheba Sat 27-Jun-20 08:28:17

^ When my neighbours asked to borrow chairs and dishes, but I clearly wasn’t invited I directed her to a hire company.^

Gosh it must have been hard not to say "oh so my chairs are invited then?"

Bathsheba Sat 27-Jun-20 08:29:03

Preview, preview, preview....

Davidhs Sat 27-Jun-20 08:49:53

Singles don’t socialize much with couples, so if you are or become single you just have to be pro active and make your own social circle. Many singles have a friend or friends they meet up with often, days out and take holidays together.

It applies to men as well as women, all I can suggest is be an interesting person with a story to tell, don’t be the grumpy one who just complains about everything.

MawB Sat 27-Jun-20 08:55:54

You have a point Davidhs but I think that is something to be resisted. Why should singles only socialise with other singles? Couples who were our friends when we were a couple are no less our friends now , but I agree it takes a lot more effort and courage to break down the fear of being the “odd number” or spoiling the dinner party placement

kittylester Sat 27-Jun-20 09:06:16

Our 'garden' party was 7 as one of our neighbours is divorced. I didnt know her when she was married - I wonder if that makes a difference?

We have a few friends who are widowed or divorced so I will be more thoughtful of how we include them now!

PamelaJ1 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:14:41

We invite singles to our house. The thing that I have noticed is that we don’t get asked back. It’s not that they exclude us, they just don’t entertain.
It is more difficult to entertain on your own but, surely with friends, you can always ask for help.
We have a friend who accepts every invitation, not only to our house, she is good company and very welcome but it does rankle that after about 15 years she has never reciprocated.
Not even beans on toast!

Chewbacca Sat 27-Jun-20 09:42:41

It's certainly true that, as a singleton, you have to work harder and be more proactive, to build any kind of social life. With cinemas, theatres and restaurants being closed for the foreseeable future, my social life has ground to a halt really. And with heavy rain forecast for this afternoon, the long awaited, socially distanced, neighbourhood garden party, may not go ahead. sad

MawB Sat 27-Jun-20 09:50:29

With cinemas, theatres and restaurants being closed for the foreseeable future, my social life has ground to a halt really

Mine too, Chewbacca sad
What I am worrying about now is that having psyched myself up in the past to go out and do more, and I found it easier as I went on, but now that it has been brought to a forcible halt I fear it may be hard to screw up the self confidence to start again.
Somebody I heard on the radio recently said that socialising is like a muscle which you need to keep exercising or it goes flabby. Interesting thought. 🤔

Illte Sat 27-Jun-20 09:59:15

Mines not just flabby, I think its disappeared altogether!

A lot of my social life was bound up in eating out, theatre, cinema, exhibitions etc.

I can't even envisage a return to that. I may become a hermit🙁

GrannySomerset Sat 27-Jun-20 10:00:17

So agree, Maw, about the danger of getting out of the habit of socialising. Have realised that when I do get the chance of a socially distanced garden chat I now talk too much because I haven’t had the chance (DH has little conversation these days). It is a real worry.

MawB Sat 27-Jun-20 12:15:11

PS I have to admit I talk too much too - almost as if I have to make conversation for two!
Something I need to guard against, but when you’ve only had the dog for company there is so much bubbling inside that wants to come out! 🤣🤣