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Adopted

(18 Posts)
Serendipity22 Thu 02-Jul-20 10:44:31

Hi everyone,

I will try to make this brief ( if 50+ years can be condensed haha )

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, my mum and dad were the most perfect, precious, loving mum and dad there could ever be. They were open and honest with me about being adopted from the start.

Over my 50+ years, I have needed to visit numerous counselling sessions and phycotherpy, the reason being I wanted to know why I have so very much hurt and fear of rejection when my mum and dad swarmed me in love, why would I be consumed with a deep rooted anger, hurt, sorrow, grief ?

The time spent with the 'professionals' didn't help me whatsoever, no disrespect to them at all, but I'm just saying that my 'scar' was so very deep that it couldn't be healed.

I have written a few books consisting of over 60,000 words, with the 'bones' of the story being about adoption...

So,my question is, goes anyone else feel like I do?

Mingeled in amongst the feelings of rejection, hurt etc etc is a terrible sense of guilt too, ( as if the rejection feeling wasn't bad enough !) A sense of guilt because my mum and dad were perfect in every single way possible and why on earth should I allow these feelings to invade OUR perfect family life, and so guilt lurks.

Just wondered if anyone feels this way...

Enjoy your day everyone ( despite the gloomy clouds and rain running down the windows !!!! Haha )

silverlining48 Thu 02-Jul-20 11:39:41

Not having been in your situation but think I understand. You may not know the reason why you were given up for adoption, 50 years ago things were so different to now. Have you seen your files/sought out your birth parents? No doubt you have, but sometimes there are no answers.
Having such loving and supportive parents should bring comfort. You may have to live with this hurt, try not to let it form such a large part of your life.
Probably not helpful I feel your pain and don’t want your post to be to ignored.

OceanMama Thu 02-Jul-20 11:47:00

I hope it is okay for me to comment here as I do not have lived experience of adoption. I have known a number of children who were adopted over the years though, and I can't think of one who didn't feel at least a little the same as you. I'm sure this is why open adoptions are now the preferred approach for the most part.

How you feel is not a betrayal of your parents and you don't need to feel guilty. I think it is natural for people to wonder about their origins. It's why, in some places, donors of sperm and eggs are no longer able to be anonymous so the child can contact them later to resolve that issue.

There's also the issue of attachment. You grew in your biological mother's womb and might have been with her for a few hours, days or weeks. As wonderful as your parents are, that is a loss.

Even though your sense of loss and rejection might seem contradictory when you think about the wonderful parents you gained, it is okay for both those parts of you to co-exist. Your feelings are certainly not wrong.

Serendipity22 Thu 02-Jul-20 11:51:15

Aww thank you silverlining48 that's appreciated.

Yes, the story goes on and on AND ON ( hahaha ) my mum and dad have passed away and believe you me its opened up the most unimaginable feeling running through every vein... that feeling is ( which I never thought possible ) a need to hold the hand of the woman who gave birth to me and say " Thank You" ....

Like I say it's not just a few short words of explanation ( haha ) but I actually have done as I felt I needed to do... so look the woman who gave birth to me, in her eyes, hold.her hand and say " Thank You".

I appreciate your reply ....

I dont know how to put a smile face on here, I've forgotten so I just put :-)

Serendipity22 Thu 02-Jul-20 12:10:03

Thank you so much OceanMama..... appreciate your post :-)

Toadinthehole Thu 02-Jul-20 12:12:44

I understand you very well. I was adopted too. Unlike you, I was never close to my adoptive parents, but was to my maternal grandmother. I never met my real mum....but found out about her, and that she had died a few years previously. I did meet some of my ‘real’ family, but didn’t click. Too old and too late I suppose. Rejection is something I am sensitive to, to the point that sometimes I won’t do something/ get to know someone because of it. I was very social as a young person, but I think now it was mainly superficial. The real me loves my husband and children/ grandchildren, and have a few good friends, but outside of that, I’m not that bothered. We feel and hear things in the womb. We would have an unconscious memory of another person. Like you... I was adopted at six weeks. When my babies were that age....they knew me. One even remembered being born when he was 4 years old. He’d forgotten a year later. I think you’re very normal, and just human, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Out of interest, have you ever looked for/ found your real mum? Just knowing about her might help, without necessarily meeting. It did me. God bless.

silverlining48 Thu 02-Jul-20 12:14:12

Yes Serendipity the story does go on and on. Ocean gives good advice and I wish you peace of mind.

EllanVannin Thu 02-Jul-20 12:18:56

What is known as separation anxiety disorder can/does affect very young children and unfortunately can continue throughout your life. I might add that it's quite normal in young children to feel like this in certain circumstances when mum isn't there all the time---such as when the child starts school.

It can be a very deep-seated problem when you realise you're adopted regardless of the brilliant upbringing in a new loving family and no amount of counselling will repel the feelings that you have as it is one of rejection no matter how you view the situation.

I would try and focus on the loving family that you had and don't think about any " what-ifs " re. your birth family. To be showered in love as you were spells safety/security/ assurance and stability so now it's up to you to remind yourself that you had the best environment during childhood.

Perhaps you have PTSD with an amalgamation of other happenings in your life to cause you to revert to your adoption ?

Serendipity22 Thu 02-Jul-20 12:23:39

My biological mother was 36 when she had me and I don't know anything about the man involved, apart from a name, but it's like looking for a needle in a haystack believe you me, anyway as OceanMama said, I have gained THE most wonderful mum and dad and for that I am beyond beyond beyond thankful..... :-)

janeainsworth Thu 02-Jul-20 12:29:14

serendipity I don’t have personal experience of adoption, but you might find this book interesting
www.goodreads.com/book/show/44908411-before-and-after
It’s the story of the Tennessee Children’s Home, and how over two decades (30s &40s) very young children were taken from their parents for various reasons, and then adopted.
The book describes case histories of survivors and how the author arranged a reunion for them to discuss their experiences.

Many of them talked about how although they were grateful to their adoptive parents for giving them a happy childhood and upbringing, they had always had a feeling of something missing in their lives.

I talked about this with a psychiatrist friend & she said that babies have non-verbal memories & that these feelings of loss are very common, if not universal, among people who’ve been adopted.

So I think you’re far from being alone in your feelings - I hope you can get some resolution.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 02-Jul-20 12:30:43

My sister was adopted and to a certain extent she felt like you.

I think this is a natural reaction to being adopted.

Like yours, our parents told her from the start that she was adopted (I am their natural daughter) and that they chose her because she was the loveliest baby in the Salvation Army home.

She was three months old in 1954 so no details were available. Our parents had the impression that her birth mother had fallen for the old. old sad story. (I'll divorce my wife and marry you once the baby is born)

Might it help if you tried tracing your birth mother? My sister felt it wouldn't, so she didn't, but I have always felt that she perhaps should have.

Would it help to know that if your mum and dad hadn't adopted you, they might perhaps never have had the joy I am sure you gave them? I wouldn't have wanted to be without my sister, I can tell you that.

GrandmaMoira Thu 02-Jul-20 12:31:03

A lot of adopted adults feel as you do. It is only natural to feel rejection and wonder where you come from. Would it be worth looking for a counsellor specialising in adoption issues. The Post Adoption Centre has a helpline you could speak to. Have you considered getting your adoption file to find out more of your background?

Lilolil Thu 02-Jul-20 12:51:50

My cousin's husband was adopted and had a thoroughly miserable life with his adoptive parents, who were, he later discovered, distant family members of his birth mother.

About 20 years ago he researched his birth family. It opened up a huge can of worms as it turned out he was the product of an incestuous relationship.
He was the kind of person who could deal with it but not everyone can.
I suggest you get professional support. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

silverlining48 Thu 02-Jul-20 13:22:14

Do you watch the programmes which seek out parents/children Serendipity? Where it’s all so happy, everyone delighted to be reunited? That’s lovely but it doesn’t always happen that way and people can be badly hurt by further rejection. It’s a risk but life is like that.
I am happy for you that your parents were the best they could be and know that you are too.

Serendipity22 Thu 02-Jul-20 19:51:01

Absolutely WOW... thank you to everyone for your time in posting messages to me, THANK YOU VERY MUCH ....

I am so blessed to have had the most perfect mum and dad and yes, for that I known 100% that it was all meant to be, despite the fact I carry this scar, but I know that so so so many people have not been so fortunate to have a wonderful childhood and that is so very very sad.

janeainsworth, the book sounds a very good read, yes I will certainly look into that.

Yes, I have met the woman who gave birth to me, once again it's a huge long story which begins with her writing to me " Don't forget it is you who came looking for me and not the other way round." I will leave it there, it doesnt take much brain power to sum how THAT made me feel. I have met her 3 times in all, the last time being when my mum ( who I love with all my heart) went "Home" and I felt the great need to take hold of this woman's ( who has left this scar ) hand, look her in her eyes and say "thank you" .... which is precisely what I did, I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, I thank you so very much for your posts...

kircubbin2000 Thu 02-Jul-20 21:40:31

I understand how you must feel. I am not adopted and have had great pleasure finding out about ancestors and finding pictures of them.You can't do that.It makes me feel connected to places they lived and what they did.

kircubbin2000 Thu 02-Jul-20 21:45:16

My sister in law was adopted and as she looked quite like my husband we thought she perhaps had come from family. This was not the case . Recently her sisters found her and she had been from a single friend of the family. Such a waste,the shame .If that had happened now she would have been with single mum and no one would have cared.

sodapop Thu 02-Jul-20 21:56:15

I was adopted too Serendipity 22 Must admit I don't have any strong emotions or concerns about it. I always knew I was adopted and met my birth mother later in life. Not really a successful reunion although I tried to keep in touch.
I am strongly of the opinion that we are our own person and should not let something like this define us. I really don't understand all this wallowing in emotion that programmes like Long Lost Family etc produce. Sorry I can't help you more.