Did your parents have a favourite child?

I had an older brother (now deceased) who caused my lovely parents lots of worry as he served a jail sentence and was an addict. He was, despite this, is good brother and kind. My parents treated us both the same and never made less of him. I have 2 boys, adopted brothers, and do find I have less of a bond with my older boy (there is barely a year between them). The younger one has always been the affectionate one, more emotional but also more caring and supportive. I could talk to him about anything and he was a tower of strength when my husband died very unexpectedly at 54 and when my Dad passed last week. My other son (who had a difficult relationship with his Dad but a good one with his Grandpa) is emotionally very detached. I always treated them the same when they were children but do find my older boy more and more remote now (he is in his early twenties). He is remote in his other relationships too. I don't know if this is because of his chaotic early years or just how he is. I never set out to have a favourite but am struggling, to be honest.

I've been mulling this over since I first read this.
Yes, my father definitely had a favourite.
It was probably me for my first two years until the drs realised their diagnosis was incorrect and I was in fact a 'normal ' child, not one who had lifelong disabilities.
Growing up it was glaringly obvious to the 3 of us my DS , middle child, was favoured.
Probably because she had potential academically.
My DB and I suffered at his hands terribly.
I resented DS for years growing up, golden child etc etc.
I so wanted him to like me too. So when my parents divorced I was the only one who kept in touch. Despite everything.
As an adult my relationship with my DS is mended. I can see how toxic he was, and how awful it was for her too, watching what he did to us and having to live up to his expectations. She suffered too, but in a different way.
He really was following in his own father's footsteps. He too had favoured the academic in his brood. It wasn't my father.....

Funny isn’t it, how fathers seem to love their children best if they’re academically inclined.
I think my dad and I were quite close till I failed my 11 + he really hadn’t considered it might happen, and my cousin, who he’d always considered a bit dim, passed.
I think he lost interest in me after that.

yes, me but then again i was an only child! sadly my parents lost a baby, a boy, when i was 10, he only lived for an hour. my mum never really recovered from this loss.

I was the elder sister and I don’t think our parents had a favourite but treated the girl - me - and my brother differently. Back in the 50’s boys and girls were given different expectations about their future lives and although I know my mum was proud of my achievements and career she still believed that it was the mans job to earn a living and look after his family. When she grew elderly and on her own she chose to live near my brother and sister in law and we supported her in different ways. I rang her daily and kept her in touch with life in general, while they sorted the practicalities of life for her. I know that I would have become a slave to her needs if she’d lived near me - I would have found it very hard to say no to her constant demands, but DB and wife were very kind and loving but firm about expectations.

Definitely my brother!! No matter how well I did at school I was always told he had done better, while he was never expected to help out around the house it was my job on Saturday morning to black lead the grate (anyone else remember doing that) and to clean the kitchen after Sunday lunch.

He always got better Xmas gifts, one year he had a bike (his 3rd) and I received a home perm kit! It is a standing joke between us that I never got my bike! When he emigrated to Australia I would visit her 3 times a week, take her shopping and bring her home for Sunday lunch with us - with no thanks. He would telephone her every couple of months and I would be constantly told how wonderful he was to ring her! She eventually moved to Australia to live with him and his family

Isn’t it interesting that those of us who had problems with extracting love from our mothers seem to have made special efforts with our own children to treat them as equally as possible. I’m very proud to see how my children treat their offspring no matter how difficult they are. I feel that, for once, I must have done something right. I don’t get much right but I think that was my most important challenge - to be as different from my mother as possible.

Buffy
I totally agree

I am an only child, but I certainly wasn't a favourite child! I was bullied and emotionally abused by my father! My mum did her best to protect me from him, but he completely dominated and undermined her. She suffered from severe depression and ended up an alcoholic as a result! I left home at 18 to attend University in a city 40 miles away and living in Halls transformed my life! I later trained as a nurse and stayed in the Nurses Home until I got married. I myself have 2 children, now grown up, and although my son and I are closer, I have tried hard not to show favouritism! It's hard being a parent! xx

Youngest of 3 girls, my father would say”why can’t you be normal like your sisters, why can’t you be like them” I have 2 extremely loved children , I wasn’t married when I had them. I was naturally academic and did well but was constantly told to do better, I worked in the emergency services, my dream job that I loved, I was told I’m doing a mans job go and work in an office. I could never do anything right , looking back I stupidly tried my hardest to just be liked, to make them proud, but it never happened. They have both passed now, the relief of not having to please is good. I still love my mother very much, my father told me he hated me, feeling is mutual. Do people/ parents not realise what they do to children?

Oh yes and it wasn't me! My middle and youngest sister were 've r y much the favourites, but then I'm the black sheep!

I have tried to write about my experience with my sister but it is too hard. We were very close in age. Mum would play us off against each other, my Dad was always working and never really interfered. We were four individuals rather than a family.
It has made me look at family life differently. I have two lovely sons that are not so close in age. It has made me treasure having a wonderful husband, sons and now grandchildren.

Buffy

Isn’t it interesting that those of us who had problems with extracting love from our mothers seem to have made special efforts with our own children to treat them as equally as possible. I’m very proud to see how my children treat their offspring no matter how difficult they are. I feel that, for once, I must have done something right. I don’t get much right but I think that was my most important challenge - to be as different from my mother as possible.

You are so right, it has always been extremely important to me that my daughters are treated the same. They don’t always agree that they were though!

LucyLockett55 you could be quoting my daughters. Having not only been a middle child, but also coming second to a boy I went out of my way to avoid possibilities of favouritism.
Even so, just the other day, admiring DGD’s new boots (on WhatsApp), DD1 mentioned that I’d let DD2 have Doc Martens but not her.
She’d totally forgotten that she had been really scathing about her sister’s choice AND that I’d made DD2 pay for them herself.

Very sad to read everyone’s sad stories of what favouritism does to children and the adults they become. I was the favourite with both my DM and DGM, being the eldest and blonde, looks were favoured in our family. I was given a lot of leeway that my sister wasn’t which thankfully though my sister still makes jibes now and again we are very close.

With my own children I feel a pang or guilt reading these stories. While financially I keep things exactly the same for both my boys, I have a favourite, the youngest. He is a mummy’s boy and until he moved away was always happy to live at home and be looked after, my other son in contrast is politically very different, independent and went off to university when the other didn’t so he didn’t ‘need’ us as much, so I definitely babied the younger that stayed home. My elder son noticed the difference.

My sons aren’t particularly close and I hope it’s solely from their different personalities rather than any resentment.

My elder son now has a baby with his wife, so I’ve really tried to focus on him and what a wonderful father he is. One day I’ll try broach the subject with him and apologise.

Terrible thread. Brought up loads of bad memories. My younger sister was the favourite, 10 years younger than me to a different father but they didn't bother to tell her. She is very jealous and bitter although she didn't get lumbered with any of the care but got the dosh. I have let it go and chose to have only one child.

From reading these sad threads I can see how lucky I was as I was a much loved only child. My mother was widowed before I was born, and when I was four, remarried and provided us both with a much loved husband/stepfather. I wasn't particularly academic (they were) and failed my 11plus! Fortunately as my father had been a commissioned officer and killed in action, my school fees were paid for, so I went off to a CofE convent, and prospered, not mightily but enough to get by. I loved my parents deeply as they did me till the day they died. Sadly my parents were unable to have any children so I guess all their affection was focused on me.

I was the middle child ...never felt like the favourite growing up ...sister was angelic and a pleaser ...brother... only son.. Only realised later in life that I was the favourite....strong willed ... independent etc

I was the piggy in the middle, my sister was my mothers favourite, but I was my dad's. It didn't help that it was a broken home and I lived with my mother.

I'd often have conversations with my mother's friends who would tell me that they'd had to remind her that she had two daughters, not just one.

I was one of eight one died though my mum favoured one of the eldest a twin and the youngest sister. I loved my parents but could never figure out why my mum favoured those two sisters. My dad favoured me because I challenged him by being argumentative. He was very handsome and hard working but a chauvinist in an old fashioned way. I would put him in his place no problem I was also the last to leave home. I had been courting for years at the age of nearly twenty seven I finally left.
My dad didn’t like my future husband he had good reason but I was naive and stubborn.
My dad adored my children more than any other GC my mum loved them too but favoured my sisters daughter. I swore I would never favour one child over the other and didn’t. But my daughter as a teenager used to say my DS was my favourite because he had my hair colour she didn’t. You can’t win can you?
We were a big family there were favourites but my parents did their best and I am grateful for that.

I was the youngest of 3 children. The brother next to me was definitely the favourite. My mother worshipped the ground he walked on, for all the good it did her. My eldest brother and myself were definitely not the favourites. It didnt make for a happy childhood. It makes me wonder why on this thread, all the favourites seem to be boys.

My narcissistic mother adored my late brother, she made no secret of the fact.
He hated her and cut off contact when he was 18.
She despised me and made my life hell.
My father was no better and a violent bully.

In today’s world I would have been taken into care.

When my Father died I was delighted, when my mother died last June I was overjoyed.
I always prayed I would have a few years without them.

I am not a cruel person and I think any scapegoat child will agree there is nothing worse than a narcissistic parent.

My mother definitely had a favourite and it definitely wasn’t me.She was another who loved her boys?if my dad had a favourite it was possibly me but I think he loved us all equally.
My brothers have both been estranged from my mum over the years but a single phone call and it is the prodigal son all over again?
My dad died twenty seven years ago and I have supported my mum since, it hasn’t been easy.
She took the favouritism to the next generation and is now showing favouritism to our DGD.Luckily it won’t impact particularly on DGD as because of distance the whole family isn’t together very often so she won’t realise she is the favourite.

I was my parents favorite child as I was the only one they had!!?

Yes and no. My brother, the youngest of 3 is definitely my mother’s favourite she’d had several miscarriages and two daughters myself and my sister. She was convinced all her miscarriages were boys so when he was born he became the golden child. She once told me that she was terrified to fall out with him in case he never came back she never had a problem falling out with me!
I think in retrospect I was my father's favourite I was the eldest child. My dear sister was the middle child and the scapegoat. As someone else has said I made a very definite decision to only have 2 children after seeing how awful it was for my sister. Sadly my family were very dysfunctional which has continued to this day.