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Fresh start

(19 Posts)
judi1144 Thu 01-Apr-21 18:07:37

I’m 53 and for the past 10 years, I have been in a very unhappy relationship with my son’s Dad. We own a house together and for her most part we get on in order to keep things civil. We do sleep in separate rooms and haven’t had any kind of physical relationship for over 10 years. I cook for myself and my son and he cooks for himself. I practically live in my bedroom as we have nothing to say to each other.
My son is now 16 and he understands that I am miserable and ready to move on. his Dad has agreed to buy me out of the house, giving me enough money to buy a little flat of my own with space for my son to live me with if or when he chooses. Everyone is happy with the arrangement and it’s actually quite exciting to think that, at last, I can find myself and build a new life with, possibly, a new relationship.
However, I cannot afford to live in this town as it’s expensive. I am looking at a nearby town which is a 30 min drive away. This is causing my 75 year old Mum who has recently been very ill, a lot of anxiety. She does live with her husband ( my stepdad) and he takes good care of her but she is upset that I am moving away. I only see her at weekends as it is and this won’t change but she wants me close by.
I now feel really selfish about wanting a fresh start for myself and am starting to think I should endure my life as it is for a few years more in order to be closer to Mum.
Am I being selfish?

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 01-Apr-21 18:11:23

No you aren’t being selfish, reassure your Mother that you will still see her and start looking for a new home.
I wish you well.

SueDonim Thu 01-Apr-21 18:11:56

No, you’re not being selfish. Thirty minutes is nothing, you can’t be at your mum’s beck and call forever. You’ll be in a better place to help her out, if you wish, if you’re happy in the rest of your life.

Good luck with your fresh start!

Sparkling Thu 01-Apr-21 18:13:56

You are not selfish, do it. I would be encouraging you if you were my daughter. Your mother should put you first and want you happy, if she doesn’t you owe it to yourself and your son.

timetogo2016 Thu 01-Apr-21 18:15:41

Agree with Oops and SueD 100%.

NannyJan53 Thu 01-Apr-21 18:19:07

You are not,being selfish. I live 30 minutes drive from my Mum, it is really not that far. It is not as if your Mum is alone even.

As a Mum, I would be upset if my Daughter put her life on hold for me.

cornergran Thu 01-Apr-21 18:26:05

No, not selfish. If your Mum was in better health would she be more understanding? I wonder if she is simply feeling very vulnerable at the moment. 30 minutes is no time at all. Reassure your Mum as much as you can and please don’t worry. Good luck with finding a new home.

judi1144 Thu 01-Apr-21 21:19:07

Oh my goodness, you lovely people ❤️❤️ Thank you, I just needed a little strength. 🙏🏼

Mapleleaf Fri 09-Apr-21 17:04:29

I agree with the other posters. You are not being selfish at all, and 30 minutes drive away from your Mum is nothing at all.
Go for it - you deserve it. 🙂

BlueBelle Fri 09-Apr-21 17:17:32

Go, go, go 30 mins is nothing ...good grief she has a husband you need happiness and just being in a nice little place of your own is brilliant I bet you love your mum to bits but she’s being a little bit selfish as you say nothing will change for her She’s just scared she ll settle when she knows nothing is changing
Enjoy your adventure and good luck

grandtanteJE65 Sun 11-Apr-21 11:19:27

You are not being selfish, and please, do not let your Mum make you feel that you are.

Once she realises that she will still see you, she too will be glad that you have been able to make the change.

I hope your fresh start goes really well. You have obviously put up with a lot over the years. Enjoy your new life!

Msida Sun 25-Apr-21 20:43:37

You are not being selfish.. Your not going to like this bit, I say it with respect but it is your Mum that is being selfish, maybe out of desperation and panic.

Nothing will change, you will still be seeing her every weekend so where is the problem

Being alone isn't all its cracked up go be, especially if you have been with this man for so long

This bit of my in put is a bit personal but if you have stayed together, even though, for the last ten years you haven't been close psychically says alot, there must be something left, whether it be respect or deep real love.

I had trouble with my marriage when my he was still alive and all I kept thinking about was running for the door, getting my own place, starting a fresh. But..looking back now, and if I had my chance again I would work harder make more effort with my husband.

Going from one relationship to a different or new relationship is really just swapping one lot of problems for a different type of problems, because no one is perfect.

Spend some time thinking things through in peace and with an open mind and an open heart, before you make you final decision and move out.

I wish someone had said this to me whilst my husband was still alive..

Woodmouse Sun 25-Apr-21 20:59:02

You are not being selfish. Grab this opportunity with both hands. Good luck. X

TrendyNannie6 Sun 25-Apr-21 21:02:12

No! You are not being selfish at all ! You have your own life to live surely! Your mum has a husband who you say takes good care of her, 30 mins is absolutely nothing! You go and make a life for yourself and your son, and good luck to you,

Shelflife Fri 30-Apr-21 18:48:39

Yes go! 30 minutes is nothing . If you were my daughter I would encourage you to go and be happy.

V3ra Fri 30-Apr-21 20:28:47

My Dad moved 160 miles to be near us in the same town. He's still fifteen minutes away. Thirty is nothing once you're in the car and on your way.

SpringyChicken Sat 01-May-21 07:14:19

Your mother will soon grow used to you being further away. I was only three miles away and she was upset when we moved a further two miles! It made no difference to the frequency of seeing her and she soon accepted it.

SpringyChicken Sat 01-May-21 07:16:51

Oops, that should read “... I was only three miles away and my mother was upset...”

fevertree Sat 01-May-21 07:32:36

Judi1144 you are not being selfish at all. If your Mum wasn't feeling vulnerable having been ill, she would probably be more understanding, and thrilled for you and share in your excitement.

As others have said, she will get used to the idea, and even look forward to a new place that she could visit too (I'm assuming she would be well enough to come to you sometimes).

Good luck!