DD is the noisy neighbour!

I can't help but wonder if the next-door neighbour would be less aggressive if there were a partner on the scene. Some men take the opportunity to throw their weight around if faced with a single woman.

A couple of times Ive had occasion to ask my nephew to go and see someone (neighbour) and he takes his very large flatmate with him. He is very quietly spoken and does make physical threats but he instructs the person concerned that they are not to approach his aunt without "going through him" otherwise he is going to pass the matter to his solicitor for further action. Words like "harassment" and "criminal offence" are thrown into the conversation, again in a very quiet but firm tone. The whiney matriarch who lives next door to me now wisely keeps her head down and her mouth shut.

CharleyB Sun 02-May-21 20:36:39
Quote: Your DD's neighbours behave badly towards her because they are frightened.
Who can blame them?

I don’t think the neighbours are frightened of my DD and her two 10 year old children! I am in agreement with many of the other posters on here who have commented that he seems a bit of a bully. His other issue is that he keeps trying to get her to pay for half the fence which is the side that he is responsible for. I am beginning to think he enjoys pressurising her.

There's not an awful lot that the complaining neighbours can do as the noise of the children is just "normal" household noise. The local authority is not interested unless we are talking about noise late at night, late parties and such, or violence and anti social activities. The neighbour will just have to put up and shut up.

I once lived upstairs from a whining neighbour. Never had a party or late night visitors, turned TV well down at 11 pm (as per the lease) no pets or children. Underneath neighbour complained about my "banging about" in the kitchen, having a shower, flushing the toilet and walking about after 10pm when she went to bed. Sometimes I was up til 1 am - how dreadful! And she could not settle until she heard me go to bed in case I made a noise.

I dont know how she would have managed with a family living there! When she complained to the management committee they said "sorry these are just lifestyle differences and biglouis has done nothing to breach her lease".

I advised her to buy earplugs. It was what I did when I returned to education and lived on a noisy council estate.

My upstairs neighbour tried this nonsense when my dgd was living with me. To start with it made me extremely anxious and I tried keeping her quiet.
After a while the woman was still complaining.
So I starting fighting back.
None of the noise was before 7am or after 7pm. None of the noise was particularly ott. She even complained about her playing.
So I started ignoring her knocking. I could see through the spyhole who it was.
Until one day she was outside my door shrieking. I opened it, told her to 'f@@k off' and shut the door. She didn't knock again....
Same woman has complained about every single tenant living above her. Most don't last past the first 6 months!
I don't think your daughter should apologise. This sounds like normal living. If the neighbours want silence go buy an island.....

Your DD's neighbours behave badly towards her because they are frightened.
Who can blame them?

I daresay DGD's moments heighten neighbours' fears.
What to do to help DGD deal with her fears?

Yesteryears' solution was singing hymns and reading prayers.
However, singing and reading are still acceptable things for parents and children to do together after the evening meal.

Mum and children telling / writing stories / poems / diaries, and or drawing before bedtime is another option.

Autistic Spectrum doesn't give me much of a clue about DGS's needs.
Autistic Spectrum seems to me to be a very vague catch all sort of a thing.

However, would an alarm clock help him get what he needs?

Your DD talks about the neighbour as if they were total strangers, but they live as close to them as possible without sharing a house. Does she actually know them? Has any effort been made by either party to make friends? How long have they all lived next to each other? I am surprised by how little next door neighbours know each other these days. I don't go into either of my neighbours houses, but we stand and chat and know each others families. I don't think your DD should apologise for the noise they make, but perhaps apologise for the disturbance to hercneighbours peace. Perhaps be more friendly. Explain why they are noisy. The neighbours may think the children are just naughty. Could the children befriend the neighbour? Perhaps bake them some biscuits or grow them a plant. Hostility and anger are not the answer here and will not help the situation in the long run. The only real way forward is peace, friendship and understanding.

The neighbours are definitely being unreasonable, especially if they know about the children's difficulties. It's not as if your DD is playing loud music, doing loads of DIY, hosting noisy parties, rowing with a partner, letting off fireworks, swearing loudly etc etc. Someone could have offered to help if they were decent neighbours. It's not right that she's effectively had to move out of her own home. If you're happy with the arrangement though, could your daughter rent out the house to help pay the bills and make some cash?

Would it be possible for you to go over and spend the whole day or even a couple of days at DDs house preferably parking your car out of sight. If the neighbours complain you can appear. A lot of people seem to like making life difficult for women alone

I agree he’s a bully, and probably likes the sound of his own voice, but it sounds as if they are both whingers! Is it possible for DD to erect a high fence to ‘help with the noise-proofing’, ie shut them out! If they have problems with an occasional 15 mins of noise morning or evening, they would complain wherever they lived. Not your daughter’s problem at all.

Your DD doesn't need to explain or apologise and by the sound of it he wouldn't be sympathetic or understanding anyway. What she does need to do is ignore him and tell him she will be reporting him for harassment if this complaining doesn't stop sadly he thinks he can get away with it as there isn't a man around he's a bully . Your DD is doing her best and needs support and unfortunately needs to grow a tougher skin and just keep reminding herself she's standing up for her children .

DD can be a ’noise denier’. ? Kids have to live. Neighbours have to understand we live in a society where it is unacceptable for children to be ’seen and not heard’. Who hasn’t groaned at the neighbour who starts up their noisy lawnmower the minute the sun shines? No-one willingly allows their children to be exceptionally noisy, and I don’t know what the neighbours expect your DD to do. We have all experienced being with ’that child’ in a supermarket etc. My DGD kicked off in a coffee shop which caused me immense embarassment but after I quietly explained that the people around were trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and she would not get the treat she had previously been promised, she settled well - but that is not a strategy for every day. I feel sad that your daughter’s enjoyment of her home is being spoiled by intolerant neighbours.

Thanks everyone for all your supportive comments. No real updates here, but DD is talking about moving back and her self esteem is higher. She has realised that she is not at fault and that she is actually coping with the children really well.
I remembered something else the other day. When she first moved in said neighbours asked her to have a word with the farmer (they back on to a field) as the self seeded sycamore tree which was quite large was rubbing against her fence at the bottom and making a squeaking noise! They are obviously very noise sensitive. She did actually get farmer to do this but because it was quite near to an overhead telephone line that went through its branches. However, it has started growing again!

She is doing nothing wrong, she is doing her best and sounds like a lovely neighbour to me. I'd be offering encouragement and support if she was next to me, a little child-noise is not a big deal
Having said that living next to miserable, moaning neighbours is not conducive to a happy life. If possible she could move and interview the neighbours first! She deserves to be happy, she has enough on her plate

Well if it was me (I hate confrontation) I would kill him with kindness! I would invite him and his wife round (garden or inside when it's allowed) for a coffee/glass of wine and a chat. I think once you 'make friends' with your neighbours they might be a little more tolerant and find it harder to complain. Not ideal, but it's worth a try!

I suspect the neighbour wouldn't have said anything had your daughter not been on her own. Bullies often start with women on their own.
I would definitely not explain if i was your DD and F off would eventually come out. But i feel for your daughter as she will be at a low ebb with all this lockdown
She isn't a noisy neighbour what you have described is normal family noise. My GS cries every morning as i take him out to the car it's not against the law. It's the loud thumping music etc and kids screaming all day unsupervised that is a noise nuisance.
Anybody working shifts has to accomodate other people's lives.
Hope your daughter can get the strength and support to rise above the neighbour.

This neighbour is being very unreasonable. I don't think your daughter has any need to apologise or explain.
We once lived next door to some neighbours who had the cheek to complain about our son playing his flute! He achieved Grade 8 so it was actually beautiful music and such a gentle sound, not like a trumpet or a beginner on the violin.
They were often doing DIY with power tools, so they were the ones being unreasonable.
Some people are just intolerant complainers.

Can your daughter go round during the day & explain the difficulties the children are having and ask the neighbours to make allowances?
Kids have been through hell in the last year and if all you're getting is 2 tantrums a day I applaud you. Kids do not have a platform to vent on and have kept everything in to carry on as 'normal.' There are plenty of adults out there who have suffered so I think your neighbours need to remember to "be kind!"
My son is autistic and now an adult and yes meltdowns are harrowing so try dealing with them all day, everyday and you'll realise what a blessing 1 meltdown is.. There is NOTHING anyone can do so you just have to get on with it

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I was a night shift worker for many years as were two of my neighbours on one side. My neighbour on the other side had 3 dgs who loved kicking a football against the wall seperating the two buildings. I didn't complain because they were just being children and it was part of life. I did mention it in passing one day and it stopped immediately. The dgs still made lots of noise as they do at grans house. If the noise is happening after 7am and before 10 at night then it would not affect a night shift worker unless they finish very early in the morning

Think your neighbours are being completely unreasonable and should understand children are noisy at times !

As I’ve said on other threads I am/was the “noisy” neighbour

With dogs and kids and terraced houses with small back gardens comes noise and often conflict !

I try/tried my best to ensure when the kids were young they went to bed at a decent and reasonable hour, normally 7:30pm on a school night and tried to keep them quiet in the mornings, but with 3 under 5 it’s a massive ask. In the school holidays we took them out every day for a couple of hours and though going to bed later, the evenings were for calm activities, reading or TV

Your poor DD has my every sympathy x

Give me noisy children any day over power tools. Why are people so intolerant of normal noises?
Your poor daughter could do with some support and compassion from her neighbours. That's what builds communities. She is dealing with a lot, and must hold her head high as a parent doing their best.

I feel your daughter's pain. My daughter went through the same thing with her highly anxious daughter who had meltdowns at bedtime and she was reported to Social Services. SS came out, offered useless advice about what not to do but couldn't help with what to do, and they eventually gave up with an apology for treating my daughter as if she was an abusive mother when she obviously wasn't. They arranged for "Enabling Families" to come to help and the process is ongoing which, if nothing else, makes my daughter feel as if someone wants to help. Maybe your daughter could do with support from an outside agency; the Council tend to be on board with the children then rather than the neighbours.
You don't say whether the house is privately owned or rented. If it is privately owned, you can get sound proofing done on the party wall which would be cheaper than moving. It is quite reasonable for the children to be playing out in the garden or your daughter having people out there. It is incumbent on the shift worker to manage their sleep but you could ask if there were times when it would be better to plan a gathering or give the neighbour warning.
If it is social housing, give the housing society a call and explain the problem. They may suggest a way forward but you are in a better position if you explain the problems before the neighbour complains. It may be more difficult with a private Landlord but at least moving to a different property may not be as difficult if it comes to that.

I agree with you also crazygranny.... I was a single mum to two disabled children... And the male neighbour would knock on my door continually... "your grass is too long, when are you going to cut it", "your hedge is too long when will you cut that". "Don't leave your bin out until the night before pick up", Don't let your visitors park too close to my drop down curb"..... That's besides the "Your child woke me up this morning at 7am" etc.... I don't think he would have had the nerve to keep on like this if I had a partner, who would tell him to go away.

But I now have a law degree, and my daughter is looking into an access course to university.... So, no your daughter should not apologise, this is "normal everyday noise---for a disabled child with autism".

How horrible to have to live next door to someone like that!
If his OH is on nights, I feel sorry for them but as the children's "spells" seem to be at only certain times of the day, I am pretty sure that at 7am and 7pm, she will either be on the way home, or just walked in the door or on the way out so most probably not affecting her at all - just him being an .......!
If you are chatting out in the garden, there is a tendency to speak slightly louder than indoors, especially if socially distancing but as your daughter was unaware, of what was happening next door, I don't see why your DD should stop having friends round, it is her home after all.