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I'm posting here because I have nowhere else...

(27 Posts)
Treetops05 Sun 03-Apr-22 01:44:20

Before anyone says anything, I know this is pathetic and I know you'll all say I'm stupid and infantile for posting please scroll on if so. At Christmas I commented that my husband of 36 years had taken over/absorbed my gift from himself and was basically told to grow up - so am expecting a lambasting again.

My husband keeps taking over things bought for me. Jigsaws at Christmas, garden things, anything except books. I have a daughter who is expecting to borrow my car indefinitely as her useless, racist, sexist and narcissistic partner has finally been forced to get a job by the Job Centre, so perhaps this belief everything I have is available is inherited.

My husband says she is being unreasonable but does this type of thing all the time? I came back 10 days ago from a 5 day break with my sister to find he's done it again. The first computer game I've bought in 10 years has been downloaded, and played. I don't understand the machine enough to get back to the start, so, to me it is useless. I can only play when he is asleep anyway, as he controls the TV at all times. As I cannot get to the start, I cannot play as I have not seen the tutorial etc. I KNOW this is silly to get worked up about but...

Anything I do is wrong, not enough or just plain stupid and this is just a case of everything belonging to others...basically him. Last night, for the first time in weeks I chilled a bottle of wine- he no longer drinks. First it was, it'll stop me sleeping, then it will trigger an illness I have; I pointed out if I avoided every trigger, I wouldn't eat, drink, move, sit still, sleep or stay awake, as they can all be triggers at different times. Even his Dad (93) said he was being unreasonable. After 37 years married surely I have some right to existence?

We can't divorce as our living situation is tied to his Father's (who I love dearly), but I feel so miserably unimportant that I could and do cry. What can I do to make what seems silly to others tolerable to exist?

Hithere Sun 03-Apr-22 03:07:51

How does your living situation prevent you from divorcing?

Lesley60 Sun 03-Apr-22 03:13:44

Treetops, firstly can I just say you don’t sound silly or pathetic,
There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself.
Do you think you have low self esteem therefore don’t feel able to assert yourself.
Do you think you could benefit from counselling to regain confidence ? does your daughter need your car 24/7 indefinitely at least if you had that some part of the week you could go off and spend some time to yourself, I would tell your daughter what days she can borrow your car, and if that’s not suitable to her tough, leave her ask her father for his.
And if you have any presents in future I would hide it from hubby until your ready.
Take care 💐

eazybee Sun 03-Apr-22 03:57:49

Alter the insurance on your car so that you are the only named driver.
Look on the internet to learn how to operate your game and return to the beginning.

Only you can assert yourself; no-one can do it for you.

BlueBelle Sun 03-Apr-22 05:45:25

Do an assertiveness course it sounds as if you are completely under everyone else thumb

I don’t understand why you can’t divorce but no one can stop you leaving if it’s this bad wouldn’t you be better off by yourself doing your own thing, the things you enjoy doing without anyone interfering or telling you what to do

You sound as if you are VERY out of love with your husband but it won’t change unless you change it If you can’t move out the house then buy another tv for yourself, move into another bedroom and tell him to butt out your business

It’s no good crying and whinging about his behaviour it’s obviously how your marriage has always been and it suits him so change it NOW it’s never too late, you don’t need to have a row, just calmly and clearly start putting your foot down and do what you want to do in the way you want to do it with NO apologies ASSERT YOURSELF
GOOD LUCK but remember nothing will change until YOU change itvp

Caleo Sun 03-Apr-22 09:35:31

Your husband is too bossy and could be more courteous. Tell him he sounds like Hitler.

Fleur20 Sun 03-Apr-22 09:44:43

Make plans.
You have said your living arrangements are complicated. Your father in law is 93... what happens if he has to go into care... if he dies?
Will that make it easier to divorce?
Start small, open a bank account just for your future, see a solicitor, clarify your situation, get FACTS...
You can walk away from this.. you will be need facts and courage.
Dig deep, if you dont value yourself no-one else will.
You dont have to live the rest of your life like this.

Redhead56 Sun 03-Apr-22 09:47:05

Easier said than done but you do have to assert yourself. It’s sad to read your dilemma but you have to stop being a pushover people treat you as you have allowed them too. Your husband is a selfish bully you have allowed this for so long it’s your way of life. You want things to change sooner rather than later.

Starting with your daughter who sounds like her father wanting to take your car. Just simply say NO! whats wrong with public transport. I have heard it so often people allowing their GC to take their cars for whatever excuse. You will lose probably the only independence you have.

Your husband needs to be told in no uncertain terms your games etc are yours not his to takeover. Subtle changes in your behaviour may make him realise you mean what you say. Suggest he buys his own games etc so you both have the choice. Regarding drinking wine you don’t need permission to have a drink if you want wine have wine. Tell him to keep his opinions to himself and when you want his opinion you will ask for it.

I don’t know if you work or have some pensions so not sure if you could practically live independently of your husband.
Try for once in your life (we only get one life this is not a practice run) say NO stick to your guns mean what you say.

Chocolatelovinggran Sun 03-Apr-22 10:13:45

Fleur20 - spot on. Look to the future, Treetops, and how you want to live the rest of your life and I suspect that it will seem brighter on your own


Smileless2012 Sun 03-Apr-22 11:56:58

After so many years of being bossed around and taken for granted, beginning to assert yourself wont be easy Treetops but you can do this, one step at a time.

I would begin with your D wanting to use your car. Either tell her which days it will be available or that she can't use it all. It might be easier to allocate say 3 days a week then say no all together.

Take on board Fleur's advice and start making plans and think about buying a chest and a padlock so you can lock away anything that's yours and you don't want your husband to use.

When he questions this, tell him why. It will get easier to assert yourself the more you do so and as Redhead says, you must stick to your guns and once you've said no to something, don't change your mind.

Good luckflowers.

25Avalon Sun 03-Apr-22 12:06:40

Ok you don’t/can’t leave. I get that. Why not, however, draw up a plan to leave and save some money for it? Know your rights even if you don’t exercise them ………. Yet! This is your escape route should things become so unbearable or your fil dies or goes into care. This is your hidden power.

Next knowing you have this power and control at your secret command try to be more assertive. Remember assertiveness is not the same as aggression. Say what you want and repeat it calmly. Start with your dd and the car.

Audi10 Sun 03-Apr-22 12:17:44

It’s not pathetic at all you posting on here about this, you sound very worn down and exasperated by it all! It’s time to find your voice treetops, and never too late, you’ve obviously allowed this situation to go on for so many years! I certainly wouldn’t put up with their behaviour! I think your daughter sounds like your husband thinking she can take things just when it suits her! I’d certainly alter the insurance on my car so she couldn’t use it! She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet it seems that both of them think they are entitled to do just what they wish, and they are getting away with it, if you really can’t leave now then start making changes regarding bank accounts, try and put as many eggs in one basket and bide your time! You only life once please stop allowing them to call the shots

Treetops05 Sun 03-Apr-22 13:24:49

Thanks all, because our property ownership is tied to Dad, we are stuck. It would be unfair to ask a 93 year old to sell his home. Sadly, when he dies it won't be an issue, as we split the property 50-50...He won't go into care, it's why we live together and he is still very spry really.

Last night I just felt invisible and burbled on here - thank you for listening, and giving sensible advice xx

Elizabeth27 Sun 03-Apr-22 13:36:37

People treat you the way you let them. I agree with Bluebelle, you need an assertiveness course. There are some online ones if you cannot get to one in your area.

Hithere Sun 03-Apr-22 13:37:01

The ownership of the home has nothing to do with divorce. You can divorce if you want to.

Your fil choosing not to go into care is also another excuse - that is not your problem, but your fil's

You are choosing to sell your soul for the money of a house. Are you 100% sure you will get any money or your husband will sell?

You can divorce if you want to.

GillT57 Sun 03-Apr-22 14:30:05

Please don't feel silly or feeble posting on here, it can be the small things which break us. I think the advice given my Smileless is very good; take it one stage at a time, this will stop you from being overwhelmed as you seem to be at the moment. Tell your DD that she can have the car for 3 days a week, and put a limit on this too, maybe for three months to allow her to sort out her own transport. As for the other irritations, when you get a gift, take it and hide it! Do you work? Maybe stick your jigsaws or computer games in your desk. Failing that, get a lockable cabinet ( cheap on FB marketplace) and stash you stuff there. One step at a time, and learn to say NO! Good luck.

MissAdventure Sun 03-Apr-22 14:38:07

It sounds as if you're worn down by your family.
You are an equal, with as much right to enjoyment of your possessions as anyone else.

Start small, as has been said, because it must be very difficult to assert yourself, but take time to think of how different life could be for the sake of one word.

BlueBelle Sun 03-Apr-22 14:57:11

I think smileless advice of a locked chest is a great idea Treetops New jigsaw, new computer games, gardening stuff can be locked away and got out when YOU need them
(bottle of wine too haha) but don’t go on like this please you are worth more, practise saying no in a reasonable voice, no need to be bossy just a firm NO, and stick to it

Esmay Sun 03-Apr-22 18:40:36

Treetops - don't put yourself down .
There are plenty of people who'll do that .

It sounds as though you are fed up with being bullied by your husband and daughter .

I bet that this insidious control has gone on for years slowly eroding away your self belief and confidence .

Time for you to be clever !
And frankly, deceitful !

If you can see a solicitor or look up your rights as regards divorce etc ...

Remember to delete history on the computer .
I understand that it's complicated due to your father in law .
Things are rarely that cut and dried .

It's easy for people to say,get a divorce .

I would change the car insurance and take away the keys -
even if it means being yelled at and threatened .

I'd hide some of those jigsaw pieces so that your gift frustrates him .
I can't find the pieces, he'll say .
Oh really ?
What a shame .You ought to take more care !

And get your own telly .

Ask a savvy friend to show you how to play your game from the beginning .

I think that I'd want a granshed not a lockable cabinet !
And keep it locked !
You can drink as much wine as you like in your shed !!!

Maybe ,you need some friends to support you.
Can you join some new group ?

Wishing you lots of luck .

luluaugust Mon 04-Apr-22 10:05:09

Lots of good advice so just good luck from me.

rafichagran Wed 06-Apr-22 22:58:54

I think you should start with your daughter, I dearly love mine, but I would not lend my car for long periods of time to her, she knows that. The car is freedom to you please do not lose that.
How you deal with the rest is up to you. If you dont want him touching your things, hide them or lock them away.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 09-Apr-22 15:03:18

If I have understood you correctly all 37 years of your married life have been like this, so nothing will change now, unless you change it.

You have and have always had the right to control your own existance.

Do as others advise and learn how to assert yourself. Find out exactly how you would be placed if you either just moved out, or divorced your husband.

It will be hard to change the habits of 37 years, but you sound so miserable that I think you really should try to do so.

jeanie99 Sun 10-Apr-22 00:26:22

You have a bully of a husband who dictates your life, you have choices.
If you feel you cannot leave for whatever reasons make a life for yourself within the confined of your marriage.
Make your own decisions for yourself and don't consider his needs or wants at all.
Live independently in the same accommodation.
Take advice, you can receive 30 minutes free consultation with a solicitor.
Take all the advice you can from all the agencies regarding pensions and property.
Look into your financial situation if you leave or stay not speaking to him about this.
Start living life again and look forward to the future.
Best of luck

Chardy Sun 10-Apr-22 07:58:34

Treetops you've endured 37+ years of bullying. That's not pathetic, infantile or stupid. Emotional abuse was grounds for divorce, before last week. Now grounds are not needed.
You desperately need support (sister?daughter?) in order to move forward, and to assert.
I hope these messages are helping.

Daisymae Sun 10-Apr-22 08:39:10

Practice saying no. No, you can't use the car. No, you can't have xyz. I'm almost thinking that you need to put your things away if you don't want them to be used. Take pleasure in the small things. Do something for yourself every day that you really enjoy. With regard to the game, try googling reset and then the name of the game. There's definitely someone out there who knows how to do it. Failing that, buy a replacement. Hope you can make life better for yourself.