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Worried about baby grandson

(50 Posts)
Funkadelic Sat 25-Jan-20 15:30:54

Hello everyone, I'm new to this place and to forums so apologies if I do something wrong or have bad etiquette. I'm a new granny and worried about my grandson's welfare and don't know what to do for the best. My daughter cares for him well in general but his dad is very impatient and selfish. He seems to not have any sense. He thinks the baby hates him, has left him in the bath on his own and gone to another room (once) and other small things that worry me and are red flags to me but they don't seem to worry my daughter?.
I tend to be an over worrier but my instinct says things are wrong here. My daughter has had words with him about some of these things and seems to think they won't happen again or dismisses me as a worrywort.

I see the baby once a week when I visit their house as I live quite far away from them. The baby recently had a bruise along side his spine which I instantly raised concerns about but my daughter chose to ignore my advice to see the doctor just to check it up. The baby isn't old enough to be moving yet so this is a weird thing to be seeing on him. I'm not saying he's being hurt but it is a worry in the back of my mind and I know bruises can happen for other reasons, but this on top of the baby daddy behaviour and attitude since he was born make me feel very anxious and my daughter not going to the doctor made me angry and we have had a bit of a falling out, not a major falling out but I don't know what to do, should I raise it as a concern or am I being over the top?

MissAdventure Sat 25-Jan-20 15:36:14

It often seems that advice on here is to stay well out of things, but I would feel as you do.
There isn't too much to go on to report or raise concern on, so I'm not sure what I would advise, other than keeping a still tongue and a watchful eye.

Do you trust that your daughter would always act in her child's best interests?

Iwastoldtheredbecake Sat 25-Jan-20 15:37:31

Go with your gut, I can’t think of a reason why a young baby would have a bruise along the spine unless it has an underlying medical problem. However, you will have to warn your daughter that you are so concerned that you will be going to tell the authorities.
I hope that you are wrong, but it does seem worrying. Have any other family members noticed a problem?

Missfoodlove Sat 25-Jan-20 15:41:24

Do you live in the UK? If so you can tip off the authorities, you could never have it in your conscience if there was a safe guarding issue and you never acted.
After a tip off your daughter would probably receive a visit from a health visitor who would assess the situation.

MissAdventure Sat 25-Jan-20 15:41:30

The bruise is quite concerning to me, because my daughter would usually show me those kind of things when they happened accidentally.

Again, more when the children were first walking though.

Hithere Sat 25-Jan-20 15:42:06

"I tend to be an over worrier but my instinct says things are wrong here"

Yo know you are contradicting yourself right?
Your instincts will follow your personality- if you overworry, your anxiety will take the wheel.

Trust your dd.

Hithere Sat 25-Jan-20 15:49:18

What other red flags did you see?

I am sure her son is seen regularly by a doctor. If so, the doctor would raise a flag if neeeed.

My youngest child bruises easily, just like me.
She only bumps the side of the door and looks like she hit the door full on.

It could be a Mongolian mark?

If you call the authorities, you may kiss your relationship with your dd and gc goodbye

Funkadelic Sat 25-Jan-20 15:52:16

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure about my daughter's judgement when it comes to the partner as she seems blind to his behaviour sometimes, it's hard to explain. I don't want to keep picking at things and come across as a horrible mother in law and I totally understand that people have different way of doing things.

I came here because I feel it isn't enough to go on to report but my gut/instinct has been saying things since he was born. I hope I'm wrong too but also worried that if it is something amiss I don't want to dismiss it. I was veering towards the "watch and wait and see" path.

Unfortunately the only other family that sees the baby are some of the dad's family who I've never met or spoken to and my adult son who visits with me - he has concerns about the dad being impatient and not careful enough from from the little he's seen when we go up to theirs. I'm seeing my only wise friend today for a cuppa and I'm going to chat with her about it for some perspective too. You have both been helpful with your different comments and I appreciate it.

Funkadelic Sat 25-Jan-20 15:58:53

Other red flags (to me) are, he gets frustrated and impatient with the baby very quickly ( from soon after birth til present time), didn't see a problem with leaving him in the bath on his own aged approx 4 months, thinks the baby hates him sometimes - I'm also worrying about the bruise as the baby isn't even 6 months yet and he's not a moving around yet.

I'm aware of my relationship with my daughter being ruined if I do something so I'm being careful but watchful and pondering and asking for advice, thanks everyone.

silverlining48 Sat 25-Jan-20 16:00:05

If the baby is as young as your grandson he certainly should never be left alone in a bath, not for a second. Babies and small children can drown in inches of water. I am sorry you have these worries.
Hope your chat with your friend today helps.

shysal Sat 25-Jan-20 16:00:56

As the baby is so young, he must still be seen by the health visitor from time to time (if you are in the UK). Could you contact her via the surgery, just to voice your concerns?

Hithere Sat 25-Jan-20 16:04:02

Fathers don't always have the same common sense women have regarding babies.

My dh thought it was ok to leave the cart with the baby while he browsed and looked for a product, he was "nearby and could see the cart", he said.

My very stern "somebody can grab the baby carrier or cart in a sec and you wouldn't even realize" shook him into reality.

If you give more examples, we can guide you

Chestnut Sat 25-Jan-20 16:09:26

MissAdventure is right, keep a still tongue and a watchful eye. I would keep a diary with dates and things you notice which you feel are not right. Be alert regarding their behaviour and their comments. Try and communicate with your daughter, you must stay close to her. Speak as though you need her help because you're worrying, that way she may feel you're not the enemy but someone who needs her. Ask for her understanding. This is because you are on dangerous territory as regards interfering and need to gain her sympathy. If she understands this is all about the child's welfare then she may think about the situation herself. I think it's really your daughter who needs to take any action because you risk losing contact with the family if you report them without your daughter's blessing.

dizzyblonde Sat 25-Jan-20 16:09:29

The baby may not be seen by any health care professional. At 6 months they may well not see a health visitor at all unless you daughter takes them to be weighed. Equally babies don’t normally see a doctor unless they’re unwell.
I would raise your concerns with they’re GP in a letter, a bruise along the back would certainly merit a safeguarding referral especially as you say, the baby is not moving yet.
You would never forgive yourself if your grandson is being abused and you stood by and did nothing.

Hetty58 Sat 25-Jan-20 16:13:12

I'm not a worrier but, from what you've said, I'd be concerned. I think you'll feel happier if you let the health visitor or social services know. There's no need to tell your daughter. At least you'll then have done what you can.

Hithere Sat 25-Jan-20 16:13:17

I am so surprised.

In the US, babies go to pediatrician at a week, a month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, etc.

So when do they start vaccines there? Here is at 2 months

dizzyblonde Sat 25-Jan-20 16:19:10

Vaccinations are at 8,12 and 16 weeks then 13 months and they are done by a nurse who wouldn’t strip the baby unless they had concerns already so wouldn’t see the bruise. After the 6 week check you only see a doctor if they’re ill.
Health visitor visits are not compulsory.

paddyanne Sat 25-Jan-20 16:22:47

Here they see ahealth visitor monthly and theres a baby clinic at the GP surgery every week for mums with queries .Thats available as long as you think you need it .Check with your own GP about baby clinics etc and see if your daughter would go to hers jsut to see how baby is progressing.Tell her how you made friends at the clinic when she was small and how its a good idea to meet up with other new mums.That way you aren't seen as interfering just being helpful.Good luck but I think there will probably be a reasonable explanation about the bruise,my OH let our baby who was wrapped up in a shawl roll of our bed ,he isn't wasn't stupid but her thought 4 month olds didn't move around.At six months she was well on the way to crawling so your GC might just be quick on the move .

Curlywhirly Sat 25-Jan-20 16:27:21

My lord, leaving a 4 month old in a bath unattended for even a few seconds is so dangerous, I hope your daughter and son in law are now well aware of that. I also would be very concerned about a bruise on such a young child. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, so don't know how much you could say to her. I would be keeping a very close eye on the baby, and if you have any more reasons to be worried, I would get in touch with her health visitor.

Funkadelic Sat 25-Jan-20 16:30:24

I am in the UK, yes. I was surprised at the lack of aftercare after having a baby nowadays too. When I had my 2 children in the early 1990's there were regular health visitor visits for a quite a long time after birth and in our home too so they could see how you live and get a feel of your family dynamic.
I had to go to a baby clinic every week where they got weighed and we could chat to nurses/health visitors about any concerns - my daughter has none of that and doesn't have to even get the baby weighed unless she chooses to and it's not held in a clinic/surgery and no doctors are around.
I was a little shocked that my daughter wasn't concerned about the bruise or even curious.
Thanks everyone for your input.

dizzyblonde Sat 25-Jan-20 16:30:44

I think it must depend on where you are in the country, in my part of the uk there is no health visitor schedule of visits after 6 weeks unless you want to go to the clinics. Nothing is compulsory including vaccinations or weighing.
The irritability with a small baby would concern me as that is often when non accidental injuries happen. There could be an explanation for the bruise but then I would expect Mum to be amenable to getting it checked out and I would certainly expect her to tell her Mum if it was a Mongolian blue spot.

welbeck Sat 25-Jan-20 16:50:16

this sounds worrying.
trust your instincts.
the child's welfare is more important that annoying your daughter, who may be in a controlling relationship with her partner. he may have conditioned her to accept whatever he does/says, so she cannot see clearly as you can, what is the priority re the baby's safety.
if the partner is controlling type he may resent that some of your daughter's attention is now directed towards the baby. so he resents him.
I may be wrong. but what if I'm right. who is going to stand up for that little baby.
visit as often as you can. would she let you babysit, maybe so she and partner could go out together.
do not say anything to her about informing authorities.
you could ring nspcc for advice.
if you have to, I suggest you raise safe=guarding anonymously, maybe a call to GP, or childrens' services/health visitor.

Hetty58 Sat 25-Jan-20 16:55:02

'I was a little shocked that my daughter wasn't concerned about the bruise or even curious'

That concerns me too. Mothers are usually extra vigilant and over cautious about possible injuries with young babies. My daughter was very alarmed about a single spot on my grandson's cheek (probably an insect bite) and wondered whether to see the GP!

Greenfinch Sat 25-Jan-20 16:58:42

Good post welbeck.I agree with you.

endlessstrife Sat 25-Jan-20 17:03:35

I would go with your instincts. How awful would you feel if there was something wrong and you’d ignored it. Bruising on an immobile baby is concerning. I would tell your daughter you’re worried, and are planning to talk to the authorities, unless she can put your mind at rest. I realise there’s a risk to your relationship with her, but at the moment, it can’t be that good, because you’re worried all the time. Just focus on the fact that, if there is abuse, you’ve done something about it. If there wasn’t, your daughter should appreciate how you would have come to that conclusion. The baby is more important than anything else. I hope it all works out for you.