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Self condemnation

(23 Posts)
Ellie Anne Fri 08-May-20 14:49:14

Maybe it’s because I have more time to brood on things but I’m going back over my life and feeling I’ve been a horrible person.
I didn’t have a happy childhood home and wasn’t popular at school.
Don’t think I was a nice teenager and regret so many things .as a mum I made so many mistakes and feel I’m to blame when my children’s lives haven’t worked out well.
I do have some lovely friends but I don’t understand why they bother with me.
My marriage isn’t happy and that is both our faults. We are not good for each other.
Sorry this is a strange mixed up post but my head is all over the place just now.

ArtySue Fri 08-May-20 14:58:55

Oh Ellie Anne, I'm so sorry you're feeling low. Your lovely friends love you just the way you are. These are such tricky times and some of us are brooding. I send you all my best and hope your friends can show you some love if you reach out to them, because you need it. thanks

Ilovecheese Fri 08-May-20 15:01:09

Not really the same as you, but I have found lately that I am remembering occasions in the past where I think I should have behaved better, or been more thoughtful.
Plus, like you, mistakes that I made as a mother.
I wonder if it is because we feel more vulnerable at the moment and feel that we should somehow make sense of life, when life doesn't seem to make sense.
I am sorry you are not happy in your marriage, I have been very lucky with mine.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 08-May-20 15:16:20

Please don’t beat yourself up Ellie Anne.There isn’t a perfect person out there, every single one of us has made mistakes in their lifetime, and several mistakes at that, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault that you had a unhappy childhood!, not everyone is popular at school. You have some lovely friends, and why do you think you have lovely friends? Ask yourself that, it’s because these people want to associate with you, soooo Ellie Anne you are a good person! A lot of marriages aren’t happy too, I think at this moment of time we all have a lot of time on our hands to look back on our lives and reflect! I don’t think it’s a mixed up post at all, wishing you all the best and try to take each day as a new day even though it’s a strange world at this time

AGAA4 Fri 08-May-20 15:27:38

I think many of us have regrets about how we have behaved in the past. It doesn't make us horrible people. Your friends would be surprised that you feel this way as they obviously like you!
This situation we are all in can make us focus on negative things and I am so sorry you are unhappy.
Wishing you good things to come

Hetty58 Fri 08-May-20 15:29:26

Was your mother over-critical. Have you taken on the value and persona that she assigned to you (e.g. useless, nasty etc.).

We've all made many mistakes but we just do the best we can. Why do you dislike yourself so much? Why accept an unhappy existence - as if it's all you deserve?

Judy54 Fri 08-May-20 16:16:23

Sending my warmest wishes to you*Ellie Anne* as others have said it is probably the times we are going through making us look back and reflect on our lives. If you can try and think of things that made you happy in the past. I am sure you are a warm loving person, certainly your friends think so flowers

Ellie Anne Fri 08-May-20 16:25:46

Hetty I’ve always disliked myself and thought I was ugly even when I wasn’t.
My mum wasn’t critical but my dad was and I never liked him. Always felt uncomfortable around him.

rosenoir Fri 08-May-20 16:32:39

I doubt very much that anyone can say they were a lovely person and have never made a mistake.

We all concentrate on the negatives at times, there were positives in your life you are just not remembering them at this time.

You are obviously not as bad as you think you are as you have friends and recognize that you have made mistakes and feel bad about them. A horrible person would not acknowledge they had ever done anything wrong.

I am sorry your marriage is a bad one, I have had 2,living within an unhappy marriage is a drain. Try to see how your life would look if you lived alone, it will make you separate or be more content with what you have. I separated.flowers

sodapop Fri 08-May-20 16:33:45

I agree with AGAA4 we have all done things we wish we hadn't.
Think positively now and start planning how you can change things when we can all get out and about again.
There will be good things to come Ellie Anne

Teetime Fri 08-May-20 16:36:26

flowers EllieAnn

Luckygirl Fri 08-May-20 16:45:11

I think you need some counselling - really I do. You cannot live your whole life locked in these false beliefs, and a counsellor would help you to get them in proportion.

No-one is perfect - if we all dwelt on the ways in which we failed or were less than perfect - as parents, as partners etc. - we would be stuck in a slough of despond. And who does that benefit? - no-one.

It would be wonderful if you could seek some counselling help to restore a sense of proportion.

I go over and over the things I might have done better for my OH, who died recently. And then I stop and think that among the things I might have done better there were some crucial positives: for a start I stuck by him even though he was making my life very difficult indeed. And I remember discussing with one of my DDs an event at which I thought I had failed as a mother, and she could not even remember it!!!

Sparkling Wed 05-Aug-20 20:09:36

Ellie, I know how you feel. I look back sometimes and think I wish I had handled that better. However, hindsight is wonderful, at the time we just do the best we can like everyone else.

Antonia Wed 05-Aug-20 20:36:35

There is no-one on this earth who doesn't have at least some regrets over their past behaviour. We are all human and imperfect. I regret that one daughter says she wasn't taught to cook and sew. I'm sure you have many positive qualities.

Kate1949 Sat 08-Aug-20 11:39:04

I think you are too hard on yourself Ellie Anne . Other people probably don't see you as you see yourself. Those of us who have had difficult childhoods seem to be always striving to be 'better' or 'like everyone else'. I have never felt remotely as good as other people but I keep trying.

Doodledog Sat 08-Aug-20 12:48:04

I think that very often those who really have things they need to atone for are the ones who would never stop to think about it. People like you who are aware of your mistakes (and we all make them!) are not the 'horrible people' they might think they are.

Cut yourself some slack, and when a negative thought about the past comes into your mind, try to think about the good things you have done instead.

Lucca Sat 08-Aug-20 12:56:33

Totally get where you’re coming from. I have a lot of regrets and quite a few hang ups! In spite of this my family love me and I them.

Greeneyedgirl Sat 08-Aug-20 13:30:13

I do feel for you Ellie Anne. Sadly if we haven’t had a happy childhood we can develop habits of thinking which are not helpful as we get older, but can be difficult (but not impossible) to change.

I agree with Luckygirl that counselling may help you to see things differently and be more compassionate towards yourself.

No one is perfect or living a perfect life in perfect relationships and without any regrets. It sounds like you have friends who value you. Be kind to yourself.

lemongrove Sat 08-Aug-20 13:35:11

Doodledog

I think that very often those who really have things they need to atone for are the ones who would never stop to think about it. People like you who are aware of your mistakes (and we all make them!) are not the 'horrible people' they might think they are.

Cut yourself some slack, and when a negative thought about the past comes into your mind, try to think about the good things you have done instead.

Excellent post, in fact all the posts on this thread are really good ones.I can’t think of much to add ( or anything really).
Read all the comments twice Ellie and take comfort from them.

BlueBelle Sat 08-Aug-20 13:51:04

Oh dear Ellie you are just the same as all of us I can think of so many situations that I wish I d done differently so many mistakes, things that I did in almost desperation of loneliness, or need or just things I ve learnt could have been handled so much better. I beat myself up often but it does no good I just have to tell myself I was a different person through bad situations then and at least have the insight to recognise my mistakes
Look at the good things you’ve done try not to dwell
many of us have been there or are still there
Take care

boodymum67 Sat 08-Aug-20 14:02:50

I think quite a lot of people who examined their past lives, would wish they had done some things differently.
I would.

But we are where we are...we cant change the past and to some extent we cant change the future...but we have the ability to act in a better way.

annep1 Sat 08-Aug-20 14:33:39

I think it is human nature to regret things we did, especially as we get older and reflect more. And to wish we had been better parents in some way. I'm sure our parents did it and our children will do the same.
We tend ti remember the negative but if we took the same time to think of all the positive things we've done we would recall plenty.
I too often wonder why my friends like me, or do they like me. It's hard to know. Perhaps we should all learn to tell our friends how much we value them.
I'm sure we all made mistakes as teenagers but we were young and learning and growing. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I think some counselling would help you to sort out your head and to talk about your marriage.

Mapleleaf Fri 28-Aug-20 14:20:31

EllieAnn, I don’t think anyone here could, hand on heart, say they have always done the right thing. We can look back and think that something we said, did, wrote etc, was unkind, wrong, thoughtless, hurtful and so on. We all make mistakes and have some regrets. However, it does no good to continually dwell on these things from the past. Certainly acknowledge them, but then determine to move on and try not to make those mistakes in the future. Of course, there is absolutely no guarantee at all that in the future we might not do something else we go on to regret because, as others have pointed out, we are human and therefore not infallible. Please, though, be kind to yourself. Think of all the positive things you have done and continue to do and try to let go of the negative things. You say there are certain elements in your life that are making you unhappy. As others suggest, seeking the support and guidance of a counsellor may be beneficial and help you to decide what things you can do to change situations making you unhappy and which things from your past you need to let go. Take care. 💐