Gransnet forums

Other subjects

No Grandchildren

(25 Posts)
mrsmopp Sun 21-Feb-21 11:31:31

We have been hoping for grandchildren but we realise now it’s never going to happen and it’s so sad. We have two sons in their fifties and they both live alone unmarried, and never shown an interest in having a wife or family.
We don’t see then very often as they live five hours drive away. A weekly phone call is all. We love them both so much and have a good relationship with them but I’m very sad that our family will come to an end.
All our friends have so much joy with their families and it’s hard to think it will never happen.

Luckygirl Sun 21-Feb-21 12:02:45

I am sorry that you feel this absence in your life.

I have a dear friend who worked with children all her life and enjoyed it hugely. But neither of her own children plan to reproduce and she and her OH feel sad about that.

I van understand that this must be hard, but hope that maybe you have great nieces or nephews or other activities that you enjoy.

There are organisations who work with children who value the input of more mature adults - Home Start for instance.

Sara1954 Sun 21-Feb-21 12:26:57

My best friend doesn’t have any grandchildren, I have six. She probably will do, but her daughter lives at the other end of the country, and is very involved with her husband’s family,
I think we both realise that we have things in our lives which we sometimes feel envious about, me and my hoards of children, her lovely peaceful life, tidy home, plenty of time to spend however she likes.
I suppose we all have to make the best of what we have.

Harris27 Sun 21-Feb-21 12:31:20

I work with children and have grandchildren. I obviously see my work children everyday but nit so frequent my grandchildren. I see them pre COVID maybe once a month. Make the life you’ve got matter nit the one you hanker after. Enjoy your interests and your husband.

Cass64 Sun 21-Feb-21 12:34:17

I have grandchildren but they are abroad.
My daughter will never have children so there will never been grandchildren around me all the time.

I feel sad for her because of the pressure she feels and gets from people who keep on and on about her beng childless as if having a womb means its mandatory to have kids.

I always said I enjoyed my time as a mum but if my children wanted children it was their choice but I wasnt going to force them..

nanna8 Sun 21-Feb-21 12:38:00

Many have grandchildren but never see them through one reason or another. My brother in law never sees his grandchildren ( partly his choice, broken marriage etc). Just life and its ups and downs and not something you can do much about. Several of my friends don’t even have children, let alone grandchildren and they seem happy enough with their choices in life.

crazyH Sun 21-Feb-21 12:49:14

I think grandparents age faster 😂. Just when we stopped worrying about our children, the grandchildren come along and the worrying starts all over again.......worry about their health, worry about their education, worry about their personalities. So it’s not all sugar and spice mrsmopp
But ofcourse, I can understand how you feel. Lots of good suggestions up thread.....wish you all the best !

Hithere Sun 21-Feb-21 12:52:40

It is hard not having the life you envisioned.

What else do you like and it is a real possibility for it to happen? I would reroute my life towards that and mourn the future that is not possible

Peasblossom Sun 21-Feb-21 13:24:39

We all have a “vision” of how our life will be, sometimes dramatic, mostly an ordinary sort of life with someone to love, a home, children, grandchildren. But for many, many people life does not turn out that way in one way or another, and the happiest people are those who can accept that life is often random.

Some people are unhappy by seeing the end of the family “line”. When my children were quite young I found out that we, as parents, had passed on a faulty gene and before they even had partners they decided that they would not have children. The faulty gene stops here.

It means that all of our expectations changed. We didn’t cease to have them, but the life plans became different. We each surrendered the vision and found another. And life is very good.

That is the extent of my advice really. To let go of what only ever existed in your mind and embrace life as it is. It’s not easy and it does take work, but it is possible.🙂

eazybee Sun 21-Feb-21 14:23:00

I don't have grandchildren and won't now, but it makes me realise how hard it is for people who do not have any children at all.
A childless friend said that they came to terms with not having children and got through it, but it started all over again, and far worse, when grandchildren started to arrive, because some friends were incapable of talking about anything else, and seemed to devote their whole life to grandchild care.

Judy54 Sun 21-Feb-21 14:30:01

Mrsmopp I do understand your sadness that you are unlikelty to have grandchildren, we can't always have what we wish for. I agree with eazybee it is hard for those of us who do not have children especially when all our friends can ever talk about are their grandchildren and how they are the best thing in their lives.

Grandma70s Sun 21-Feb-21 14:43:19

I consider myself very lucky to have grandchildren. I didn’t take it for granted at all. I hardly ever see them because we live at opposite ends if the country, but I know what they’re doing and how they are getting on. One of them is 12 today! I have two, a boy and a girl.

On the other hand I am somewhat shocked when I read so often on here about grandparents providing regular childcare for their grandchildren. That isn’t the sort of relationship I’d have wanted if they lived close by. I would see myself giving them the occasional treat outing and having them to tea on Sundays. I never expected my parents to do more than the occasional babysitting. They’d had their turn.

annsixty Sun 21-Feb-21 15:09:32

I have a cousin with two sons both now in their 50’s like the OP.
My cousin and her H have had a most fortunate life due to their own efforts I should say and are extremely wealthy ,but no GC.
She regrets it so much and their wealth will not be passed down the generations.

nadateturbe Sun 21-Feb-21 15:52:54

I have grandchildren whom I rarely see. It would have been lovely to have them living close or be able to visit more. But sadly, that's life. We don't always get what we want. Your children have to live their lives as they want to. And we have our own life and at least we don't get exhausted with too many demands for help and childminding!
As someone suggested, Homestart might welcome your help, if you are interested.

Grammaretto Sun 21-Feb-21 16:22:47

Nothing much to add after all the suggestions unless it's a case of find some friends in the same boat!
I am now a widow, DH died 3 months ago and I am suddenly aware of how many people live alone for all kinds of reasons. I'm having to get used to it.
Life throws things at us, sometimes nice sometimes not so, and we just have to get on with it as best we can.

When my DC were young all my friends had DC. When they grew up and left home I found friends in different ways and some had DC and some didn't. We shouldn't be defined by our fecundity.

Thistlelass Sat 06-Mar-21 00:15:03

Yes that is a pity. I always think there is a reason behind every choice people make. Perhaps because this is your situation you might be able to offer support to someone in your area who has young children? Now I daresay that wont happen overnight. You might have to think about how you would go about it - maybe through a Church you attend, in liaison with a local school or possibly an advert in a local shop. You may well have to be Police vetted for such a role. But it could bring you much satisfaction and love. If all that fails I will send you 1 of mine to have for a while lol. Seriously, all the best to you x

GrannyRose15 Sat 06-Mar-21 01:12:11

At some point in all our lives we have to grieve for the future we never had. For me it was the loss of my dear DiL and the children she and my son might have had if they hadn't divorced. I haven't spoken to her in the 5 years since it happened (her choice not mine). Such life events are hard to come to terms with but we can't let our disappointment govern the rest of our lives.

mrsmopp Fri 19-Mar-21 00:17:29

annsixty thanks for telling me about your friend in the same situation. It’s very sad to know the family will come to an end after all this time. As well as regretting not being able to pass on wealth to the next generation, it’s also all the personal items, my dads war medals, lots of things he made as he was a great craftsman, family photos, diaries, all ending up in a skip.
Terribly upsetting, such a waste.

Franbern Fri 19-Mar-21 08:59:14

MrsMopp, just to say that not all g.children bring joy to the lives of the g.parents, any more than all AC bring joy to the lives of their parents.

Just remember how fortunate you are to have two sons, in good health and who have a good relationship with you.

No good mourning for a fantasy life that might-have-been. No guarantee that any g.child, had they existed, would have been totally healthy, would have kept in any sort of relationship with you, would not have caused you so much heart-ache and anxiety.

We have children (hopefully) because we want to be parents, not as some sort of future use of them to provide us with g.children.

Yes, I have g.children, I am fortunate that I have a reasonably good relationship with all their parents and with them. However, I can honestly say, that if none of my children had wanted their own children I would have been quite happy about that. Just want my children to be happy in all their choices in life.

When my children were small, I refused to be defined as 'Their Mother' - I insisted I remained a person in my own right. Equally, having g.children does not define me in any way.

Grannybags Fri 19-Mar-21 09:32:23

crazyH

I think grandparents age faster 😂. Just when we stopped worrying about our children, the grandchildren come along and the worrying starts all over again.......worry about their health, worry about their education, worry about their personalities. So it’s not all sugar and spice mrsmopp
But ofcourse, I can understand how you feel. Lots of good suggestions up thread.....wish you all the best !

Exactly what I was going to say!

My son and dil are going through a divorce a the moment and the worry about how my grandchildren will cope is keeping me awake at night

mrsmopp Sat 20-Mar-21 09:50:39

Thank you all for these supportive replies. Of course you are right and I must count my blessings.
God grant me the
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Birdwatcher4 Sat 20-Mar-21 10:45:56

Mrsmopp

You have been given good and kind advice from all posters .and all I can add is that the Serenity Prayer you have quoted as always been my live by mantra .

Even have it as a fridge magnet and have quoted it many times to my children 🙂

Sparkling Fri 26-Mar-21 07:57:08

Mrs Mopp, I hope you and your husband have a good life with each other. No one has the ideal life, I have children and grandchildren, who have bought enormous joy, but equally the opposite . I live alone since my husband died and have never been so lonely, after the baby sitting years contact is minimal, they are all busy, busy. Of course there's the birthdays, Mother's Day etc. Just a few hours in all when its added up. The main thing is I suppose, we all do our best bringing up our families and it's really up to them the choices they make, also circumstances. Your sons are happy on their own, probably have a circle of friends and hobbies and they ring you regularly so love you and are happy. I think people can be such bores about their children and grandchildren.

Andipandy Tue 13-Apr-21 18:55:02

“On the other hand I am somewhat shocked when I read so often on here about grandparents providing regular childcare for their grandchildren. That isn’t the sort of relationship I’d have wanted if they lived close by. I would see myself giving them the occasional treat outing and having them to tea on Sundays. I never expected my parents to do more than the occasional babysitting. They’d had their turn.”
@ grandma70s - please don’t forget that young people nowadays will have to work a lot longer and there is much more competition than there was when we were of working age. Pensions will probably be less. I haven’t got any grandkids yet but it goes without saying that I certainly would look after them while their parents work. Why wouldn’t I? My grandkids will be my blood relatives and it will keep me young.

Nannarose Tue 13-Apr-21 21:58:28

I have a few friends and relatives in similar situations, 2 couples because of their children's death or illness. Some get great solace from involving themselves in the lives of other young people, some not.
You sound like someone who counts their blessings, and that is helpful.
I would also add that we never know how much we may have influenced the lives of others, I can think of at least 2 close family friends who never had children of their own, but whose friendship has been a great pleasure to me throughout my life.