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one sided friendships (do you do all the running)

(15 Posts)
bikergran Tue 17-May-11 18:04:24

I have a few friends but 2 of them I seem to have to all the running, one I email every month or 2 and I used to right an esay! lol...but then all I get back is about 4 lines (used to be one so thats an improvement)! it seems really hard to keep in contact, I do ring her occasionaly, but it does seem to be me that does all the running..and suddenly I think ? hmm maybe this person doesn't want to be my friend any more...(apparentley since marrying her husband many yrs ago her friends dwindled)!!!! I wouldnt want to leave her or ignore her but it does get hard work I know myself with my husband being ill at times he does not want viistors or the phone ringing...and aparently her husband doesnt like her going on the net!! hmmm neitehr did mine at first but we/I soon sorted that out lol lol........I just lock his cage whilst im on the comp ha ha ha ......

nanafrancis Tue 17-May-11 18:12:16

I know the feeling well, bikergran, it happens to me too.

Depends whether you feel their friendship is worth all the effort. Maybe you could ask her what the problem is.

mollie Tue 17-May-11 19:24:26

Me too ... but whenever I've decided to let the friendships slip they always come back wondering why they hadn't heard from me! But they work and I don't so ...

bikergran Tue 17-May-11 20:27:08

I think the problem may be her husband (maybe I should buy him a cage as well) !! lol.I will make a last ditch effort to go and visit and have a chat (away from her hubby)!

"nanafrancis" we are all ears if you need to "offload" !!
do you think we should have an agony aunt page [smile]

mollie I don't work (due to having to look after hubby many yrs) so I realise that my friends that do work havn't always got then time to socialise, which I must admit I don't have much ME time..

Friends are important, but some times you just drift along in your own space.......

a new day tomorrow [smile]

overthehill Tue 17-May-11 20:42:35

I had an experience with a friend that was similar.

We took it in turns to visit each others home. Not very often maybe only twice a year. She would come to me then I would wait a long time for a return invite.

She is one of those people who says `I will be in touch soon` but never does. I would get a Christmas card saying `must get together in the New Year` but you don't hear another word. I just hate that, do it or keep quiet.

Another one of her `faults` (I don't have any of course) is she thinks nothing of cancelling appointments.

The last occasion I had enough. She had invited us round after cancelling the previous date, then had the audacity to ring to cancel saying her cousin is coming to stay could I make it another time. Well actually no, as I still work, babysit my grandson, go away caravanning a lot so last minute change of dates are incovenient and this time I let her know it. I had forgo 3 wedding invitations in recent years because I had made prior arrangements, but I would never think of cancelling one to go to another.

She still send cards saying we must keep in touch, but I have given up on this one.

bikergran Tue 17-May-11 21:10:12

"overthehill" yes I hear what your saying, and it rings a bell with another of my friends, there is a good book, bought it for my elder daughter when she seemed to having few probs with some of her friends (be warned!! there is quite a bit of swearing in it)!! it is by Janet Street Porter but I cant remember the title of the book and also I havnt read it (in fact it may a be a good time for me to borrow it)lol...I am also and may be the only one that is not interested in Facebook although I have joined, as the friend that txt me and says like yours "we must get together"!! was the one that enticed me to join Facebook to keep in contact! well I did! and in approx 6 months I think she sent me 2 msg! I dont really need to be in contact with people that have not kept in contact with me for over 35/40 yrs I mean why now! whats the point.

Eleanorre Wed 25-May-11 22:44:11

I have decided that life is to short to bother with people like that. A couple of years ago at Christmas we went through our card list and decided on those of our old friends we never see or hear from and put a note in with the cards saying that we were cutting down but if they wanted to keep in touch here was our e-mail address and phone number . It soon weeded out the list and I feel the same about people whom we see just our of habit really . I realised that some of them took advantage of our goodwill and friendship. One had us looking after her house while she was away for a month then expected us to sort out the result of a flood despite having a daughter in the same town . After all we did she did not even hand us a bottle of wine.
I appreciate my good friends so much.

Melanie Tue 28-Jun-11 19:07:45

Oh this is the story of my life. I just want friends who will be as loyal to me as I am to them. I'd like them to have similar interests. I think some people are great at playing friends when it suits them, and I get fooled every time. Although I truly believe that I am kind hearted and open minded and I give more than I get, everybody seems to let me down. confused

Melanie Tue 05-Jul-11 16:21:17

Oh No - it's very depressing - I seem to have killed this thread. Like I kill so many others. It's a Gift! hmm

GoldenGran Tue 05-Jul-11 17:09:25

Melanie, You haven't killed the thread. I have been away and just read this page. How sad that you feel let down by your friends,have you got one close friend? I really believe that as one gets older, you realise that those closest to you are usually the ones who you have known the longest,and all the rest are just passers by in life. I can count three people who would be by my side whatever happened, others that I have considered friends are really acquaintences who do not really want to know when things get tough. I think that is just life,and human nature,. I am lucky to have those three who really care and the others to have a laugh with. I feel you have had some bad experiences lately with friends, life is too short to have people in your life who make you feel bad. You want radiators not smile

Melanie Tue 05-Jul-11 22:14:37

GoldenGran - I have family who I can rely on, but outside of that people seem to be most unreliable. Cyber friends seem quickly to vow eternal friendship and then gradually fade away. Real life friends seem almost as bad. One friend who I've had for years, never does any of the running, and now I've given up on her. You do start to wonder if it's something in yourself that's wrong. I certainly want radiators and not drains. Nice analogy. smile

MaggieWales Mon 25-Jul-11 15:22:59

Hi Melanie, my best and longest friend is one who makes no demands on me, nor me on her... we get together just as and when it suits us both, each cancelling from time to time but with no bad feeling - ever. This has worked well for nearly 40 years. No pressure from either side is my formula for keeping good pals.... hope this helps.

gangy5 Mon 25-Jul-11 16:34:42

DH and I made friends with a super young couple who lived in the flat above us. We like keeping in touch with youngsters and really enjoyed their company. When they moved away we took it in turns to visit each other - just 10 miles away. They have since had 2 children and we've been very happy to have them here for the day on a number of occasions. The problem is that we don't get invites in return. I feel that the current situation is all give and no take. After about 6 of these one sided visits I decided to drop them. Does this seem unreasonable? - it's a pitty because I really like them.

dancingfeet Tue 26-Jul-11 17:54:50

I read an article some time ago which said that as we get older we become more intolerant and the personality quirks(as we used to consider them) of our friends and relatives become more exagerated. Putting these two things together I have found it very difficult of late to keep up a friendship with my longest friend. During a recent difficult period in my life I have certainly found out who my best friends are and they are the ones who appear at your side and on the end of a phone without being asked, chased or make arrangements six months in advance. Strangely they were those who had known me the shortest time. I think I probably have grown rather intolerant of late, but life has become too precious to me to waste chasing after friends who require you to jump through hoops.
And finally to the sisterhood on Gransnet who have supported me in the last few months I would like to say thank you and I am trying to concentrate on other peoples problems now and less on my own. Progress.

greenmossgiel Tue 26-Jul-11 18:29:52

dancingfeet - you sound so much stronger. Other peoples' problems sometimes make your own easier to bear, but still, be kind to yourself. You owe yourself that. smile