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Not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but saw ex DH yesterday..

(14 Posts)
Anne58 Tue 06-Sep-11 20:02:56

Not to speak to, but I had heard that his relationship had broken down, and that he was staying with friends (of his) on the outskirts of the village where dh2 and I live.

Anyway, as I was driving home from work, through the village square, there he was, leaning through the window of a pick-up truck, talking to someone while he seemed to be waiting for his fish & chips. (We have an excellent fish and chip van that comes to the village on Mondays, very rural us, nearest takeaway is about 8 miles away, and due to the nature of the windy roads, you can allow for around 25 minutes each way)

But I digress. He glanced around as I drove past, must have realised it was me, (fairly distinctive car) and then went back to his conversation.

I was shocked at how haggard and how much older he looked, then thought he might think the same about me!

Strange, isn't it, how the face that you look out from doesn't match the one that you see in the mirror?

Does this make sense?

Libradi Tue 06-Sep-11 20:37:14

Yes it makes sense phoenix, I think us woman generally tend to age better than the men though. I suppose we do have the advantage of hair colour and make up.

greenmossgiel Tue 06-Sep-11 20:54:32

It probably gave him a bit of a start, phoenix when he did see you. He would probably know that you'd have heard about his relationship breakdown. hmm

Faye Tue 06-Sep-11 21:57:17

How have you gotten on all these years phoenix if you have children, haven't you seen him at family occasions etc?

crimson Tue 06-Sep-11 22:05:37

Isn't it wierd how awkward we can feel with people that we were married to for a long time and raised a family with. My ex split up from the woman he left me for but is now in a new relationship and I feel really strange about it, in a way that I can't explain.

Anne58 Tue 06-Sep-11 22:27:51

Faye The last time we were at the same "family" event was the burial of our youngest sons ashes, and before that, the funeral service.
Our grandchildren have not been christened, nor have there been any gatherings at which we both have been present. I think you may have misunderstood the reason behind the post, which as not really the shock at seeing him, but seeing him looking like that, and wondering if his reaction was similar to mine with regard to the "bloody hell, he/she looks rough"! type thing!

Oddly, I actually feel a bit sorry for him, as although he ripped me off big time over what I got from the sale of the house, and the fact that some items that I really treasured seemed to "disappear", I can appreciate how hard it must be to be on ones own again at that age, and to be in the situation of having to lodge with other people. DH2 and I may be going through some tough issues financially, but at least we have each other, and our own front door, so to speak.

I hope that the above doesn't sound smug, it certainly isn't meant to.

Faye Wed 07-Sep-11 12:47:26

That's so sad to hear about your son phoenix. That must have been a very difficult time for you.

I actually did write a longer post and cut most of it off as I tend to do. I wrote that your ex probably looked rough to you. I thought that you have aged better than he has and that is why you were shocked to see how he looks now. I think he was waiting to get a glimpse of you. I didn't think what you said was smug at all. I was going to mention that men often have regrets and for women usually once its over for them, they don't look back.

Feeling sorry for him probably means that you are happy, settled and over the stress of being ripped off. I know exactly what that feels like, my expartner is doing the same to me at this very time. I hope one day that I can feel sorry for him too!!!! hmm

absentgrana Wed 07-Sep-11 15:18:05

My ex and I have found a modus operandi in the last couple of years. We didn't quarrel, even when married or divorcing and we were always perfectly polite and civilised when we met occasionally. However, I always felt that somehow he was criticising me and became very defensive in his company. I'm glad for the sake of our daughter and grandchildren that we have reconciled our differences – he even comes up to stay with my present husband and me. However, last time he was here, he told me how much I look like my mother. There's nothing actually wrong with that and she was a very beautiful woman in her youth and old age. I have tried to console myself with the thought that the last time I saw my mum, she was 92 years old, but the last time he saw her, she was younger. It isn't working – she was still 20 years older than I am now.

HildaW Wed 07-Sep-11 16:34:45

Faye, thats very perceptive of you. I have an ex from over 25 years ago I can clearly remember realising that I felt sorry for the mess he had made of his life quite soon after the divorce. It allowed me to recover very quickly and very soon mentally thank him for allowing me to start a much better phase of my life. To marry a lovely man who became the father to my first child and then for us to have another daughter together and (touch wood) stay happily married, sharing a rich and satisfying life quite unlike the one I now know I would have had with him.

And yet, once in a blue moon something will cause me to cast my mind back and I will wonder how things ended up for him, to even wonder if he is still alive, because I do know that his brother died a few years ago. Tis all very strange. Phoenix, I dont think we ever actually stop caring about them if we are half way decent people. Whether its a gender thing (us being the motherly caring types) or its a personality trait, but once you cared about someone I dont think it every really goes. As to your question I do think we hold a picture in our minds about how we think they look and if time has passed the reality will not have kept up with that. Am sure I would look pretty old to my ex because we have not had sight of each other for over half a century!

Anne58 Wed 07-Sep-11 18:06:35

Hello all.

Faye I truly don't think he was waiting to get a glimpse of me, he really was only waiting or his fish and chips. (Damn good fish & chips from that van!) We have been apart since mid 2000, and DH 2 and I have been together since April 2001 and married since 2004 and I can honestly say he is the love of my life. He is also the exact opposte to exDH in practically every way!

With regard to the self image age thing, I do sometimes wonder if part of it is because to a degree I feel as if I am in a "new" relationship, which somehow feels associated with being young(er)?

I sometimes catch sight of myself unexpectedly in mirrors or shop windows, and think either "what's my mother doing here?" or "who is that raddled old bag?" and then realise it's me!

greenmossgiel Wed 07-Sep-11 18:35:42

I was at my friend's Open Uni graduation ceremony a few years ago, and sitting with her husband and family waiting for her to go onto the stage to receive her award. Out of the blue, my ex's name was called out to go up. I was shocked to the core, as I hadn't seen him or heard of him for nearly 30 years and had known that he'd been living at the other end of the country. On seeing him, I saw a man with greying hair who looked very drab and uninteresting. I felt particularly attractive and well-turned-out that day, and I should imagine when he saw me (which I think he would later on), he may have been quite surprised, as the last time he saw me I was anything but that!

HildaW Wed 07-Sep-11 18:39:57

OH Greemosgeil, what an event, would have shattered me too! So glad you looked gorgeous!

em Wed 07-Sep-11 18:58:45

Frequently see my exDH - mainly at christenings and birthday parties but also when we 'change shifts' on the babysitting rota. (As I posted elsewhere) my ex re-married a few years ago to an old friend of mine from uni. She is lovely and has rubbed away a few of his rough edges. We have a civilised relationship now, thanks to our 3 kids and the GC's and the input of his new wife, but a few years ago it was different when he was with another 'lady'. We still met up at family events but I was far from happy for all sorts of reasons but that's another story.........................

JessM Wed 07-Sep-11 19:23:09

When my son was ill I said i would speak to his dad. (I was in NZ) I got this call on my mobile "Hello Jess, David Here" and I kept saying Who? David Who? Who is this? Until eventually he said "James's DAD". I had not recognised the voice after about 20 yrs. gap.
I have changed the names but his is a common one and i was going through all the "davids" i knew, wondering why on earth they would be ringing me in NZ.
I know he does look quite old in photos as he is 10 years older than me. Suits me that he lives a long way from me. There was a time when anywhere else in the solar system would have been too close for my taste. But he rarely crosses my mind now except occasionally, when talking to DS on phone i ask how is dad is, to check he is not being a problem to him.
DH 2 is 10 years younger and looking younger than he did 2 years ago, due to huge weight loss and fitness gain. smile