sudden death of a teenage grandson

Goodness, that poem's very special Phoenix.

You certainly have a very wise doctor, and you expressed yourself very well.

Firstly enelbee my heartfelt sympathy to you, his grandmother. I would be devastated to lose a grandchild. Then to see your family struggle through the loss of their son and brother, it must be so difficult. xx

Phoenix, my deepest sympathy to you and your family. What can anyone say that would help take away your pain, hopefully it softens in time. Your poem is lovely and I believe words do help. xx

phoenix and enelbee, love from me too. phoenix's poem reminded me of Tennyson's In Memoriam. There are many good bits, but these are the lines I thought of:

I climb the hill; from end to end
Of all the landscape underneath,
I find no place that does nor breathe
Some gracious memory of my friend

Thank you for sharing that poem phoenix

Phoenix and Enelbee
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
love and sympathy to you and your loved ones.Christmas must be hard for you every year
This puts into perspective the grief of me and my son.After another day in family court my son is devastated and desperate as any hope of contact with his son has receded even further.I really fear for his sanity as well as my own grief at missing my grandson.
But at least he is alive!
Your experiences put ours into perspective.

Phoenix thank you for the poem.I will print it off

Much love and hugs

I posted on another thread this morning that life was good today so was reluctant to read this but I am glad I did. Enelbee we miss our son every day and Christmas is always difficult. But talk about your grandson, about the happy times. People so often avoid this and it makes it seem as though they were never here and that hurts more. phoenix thank you for the poem. I am passing it on to the family. My thought are with all of you today.

May I suggest the National Child Death helpline, here in the UK for your son and all his family to contact see www.nationalchilddeathhelpline.org.uk they may be able to offer support for all the family

Our first daughter died suddenly in her cot, aged 7 months in December 1976. No support groups or helplines existed then and we lived 100 miles from our families. My husband was studying at university and I still remember the loneliness, having no one to talk to - my GP would write out a prescription for vallium before I had even sat down to talk to him.

One point I would like to make is that the deceased child leaves a gap in the family which can never be filled. The anniversary and birthdays are difficult days to get through, particularly if no one else remembers the significant dates.

It has been suggested to do something special to mark your grandson's birthday or to remember him at Christmas. Some families will plant a tree or walk to a particularly favourite spot. But please as a family agree to do something significant where ever you are in this world.

We have a small island here in East Anglia, about half an acre of land, by the river near our house. We have planted over 300 trees on it and about 15 years ago I planted some snowdrops "in the green". Now I spend several quiet afternoons in the spring separating the clumps of bulbs once the flowers have faded. We quietly work there in memory of our daughter. You never know what will happen in life - the solicitor that handled the conveyance completed the purchase on what would have been our daughter's 11th birthday.

As Christmas approaches I quietly think of all those families who find it difficult to celebrate the festivities.

your wonderful responses continue and I thank all of you. There are many wonderful suggestions and advise.

Phoenix, the poem brought tears for sure! but I, also, am printing it out for our family.

Carol, I have located the environmentally-safe lanterns. We live near one of the most beautiful lakes in the world and i plan to send them afloat on his birthday in July (or whenever the wind is right)

I am a new member and thank you, particularly Phoenix, for your compassion and support for those coping with the sudden death of a grandchild - I have printed out your words, Phoenix, and put them with my grandson's photo.

He died, on Father's Day, just over 3 years ago, from a ruptured spleen caused by glandular fever. His unexpected death and the suddenness of it was a great shock to us all - his family, his many friends and his whole community - his cricket club has held a Memorial match to honour him each year since. He is deeply loved and missed by so many.

He was a healthy 19 year old and just slightly unwell at the time - he had no knowledge, and neither did his family, nor was he warned by his doctor, that glandular fever, at that stage not confirmed, was a potentially life threatening illness. He had blood tests done, started feeling unwell soon after, then became light-headed and sick and died several hours later, with the ambos helpless to save him.

Seemingly he had his whole life ahead of him and then he was gone. His sudden death has shocked me to my core and the loss of what might have been hurts every day.

Oh to find a meaning in, or reason for, such loss and sadness!

I cannot believe it was my grandson's wish or God's will.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

NannaJ I am so sorry for your loss

NannaJ deepest sympathy

Oh NannaJ, my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you were able to find a little comfort here on Gransnet. xx

NannaJ I am so sorry

enelbee. chocolatepudding, gmg, maniac, grannyactivist, nannygetspaid and all who have had to face the unfaceable, cope with the unthinkable and live through our worst nightmare. Tragedy can bring out hidden depths in friends and family and help us to realise we are on this earth for a purpose other than our own well-being. It doesn't help to hear that "what doesn't kill you makes you strong" but perhaps we do need to experience the depths to fully appreciate the heights. A hug to you all and may you find personal peace this Christmas

NannaJ You have my deepest sympathy.

Thank you Carol, nanachrissy, greenmossgiel, GoldenGran, gracesmum and Faye for your expressions of sympathy. I appreciate them.

I understand what you are saying gracesmum about the depths helping us to appreciate the heights but I do not agree. No high is worth living for at the price of such depths - as it is for my grandson's family. I would give up all highs willingly for my grandson to still be alive today.

As chocolatepudding tells us the deceased child leaves a gap in the family which can never be filled.

Something I have experienced as a bereaved grandparent - when I lost my grandson, I was many times bereaved: once for my grandson with whom I had a wonderfully close bond and who I am so proud of and love, whose future I will never be able to watch unfold; the second is for my grown children, the parents, who have to face a future without their beloved son, but who live on, at times in excruciating pain, and who I am powerless to console; and the third is for the great loss for my granddaughter who will never again have her brother "looking out for her" as he once did. That is what my grief is about - the gap in the family which can never be filled.

"It doesn't help to hear that what doesn't kill you makes you strong". You are right gracesmum, it doesn't, and it doesn't make you strong either.

That does take some reading NannaJ. What's the point of being brave and strong when such loss has brought about those characteristics? There will always be that place in your hearts for your beloved grandson. I hope that one day the feelings will be not so raw, and you can remember him in a way that brings you comfort

I don't know what to say NannaJ, because nothing can take away your sadness. The word 'unfair' just doesn't cover it; neither does 'senseless', but they are the only words that spring to mind. All I can do is offer an internet 'hug' to you.

Thanks for your reply Carol and crimson for your hug. It helps.

I don't believe there is any comfort that anyone can give a bereaved parent or grandparent. Time is not a great healer in my experience and such sayings as 'He is happy in heaven' etc. just enrage me. I always shudder at Remembrance services at the phrase 'They shall not grow old as we that are left grow old' - surely the thing we want most for our children is that they shall grow old and experience all that life has to offer.
I feel so much sympathy for all of you who have been touched by tragedy but I cannot send any platitudes, only my heartfelt understanding.

as at Christmas ,there is so much happiness and excitement..but also the equivalant of sadness ... and bereavment, illness and many many more sad stories, I hope you all find your way of wading through Christmas, it must be so hard to see others excited and shopping etc, you are all so brave.
Take care of yourselves ....

"what doesn't kill you makes me strong" annoys me too. A product of American over-positivity.
Some people manage to work through some kinds of adversity and come out stronger. I have seen my own son do this, as a result of cancer. But on the other hand his health is probably never going to be the same and he lives with the threat of it returning. He is probably infertile. And maybe he would have grown up anyway...
But there is a pressure, and it emanates from the USA, to turn our lives into an inspirational story to make other people better.
I think we each have to find our own way to go on living, and in our own time.

NannaJ
Just read your postings about the death of your grandson.
It does put into proportion the separation from my grandson.
I have indeed sometimes thought 'well at least he is alive' and if I hide in the bus shelter I might see him pass on his way to school.
Your grief is inconsolable and as you say multiplied throughout the whole family.
There is nothing else to say that hasn't been already said.
You are in my thoughts .I send love and hugs to you and all your family

I think there are degrees of adversity that make us stronger, in that we can find inner strengths and learn things about ourselves that we didn't know. And we all accept that there are things in life that we will have to face at some time; the loss of a partner, ill health etc. However, we do not expect to lose our children or grandchildren, and there is the emptyness of that life unfulfilled and the constant reminders of how and where that life would be now. How people cope is beyond me. As I got older it shocked me to see people in their 70's and 80's outliving their children; something that, in my youth, I never even thought possible. I must point out that I'm not saying that losing a partner is less painfull or that the hurt goes away, but that, of all the awful things that anyone can suffer, the loss of a child is the worst. Maybe, at Christmas time more than any other we realise that there are people hurting because of people they have lost and many of us do spare a moment to think of those people and try to put out feelings of comfort to them.

Thank you Greatnan, bikergran, JessM, Maniac and crimson for sharing your thoughts and considerable wisdom.

Greatnan, your words - "I cannot send any platitudes, only my heartfelt understanding" mean a lot as I know the pain of loss can never go away - to be understood and to understand is what is important to me. Even platitudes can be understandable as people try in some way to indicate they care when words are inadequate.

JessM, I hadn't thought of the American angle - this seems to be encouraged particularly by the media, who often search for the tears and then use the moment for it own purposes. I send my best wishes to your son, may he continue to be well and grow stronger. I take comfort from your words - "find our own way to go on living, and in our own time" and will try to remember them when I am feeling isolated and alone in my grief.

Thank you Maniac for your words of comfort and understanding and your love and and hugs. I can well understand you hiding in the bus shelter - and why not? - what sadness such a separation causes and how senseless and destructive for everyone. I send my love to you and trust the situation gets resolved "in its own time" as JessM suggests.

crimson, Thank you for your compassion and understanding. When my three children were under 9, my mother and my young husband died suddenly and unexpectedly within a few weeks of each other so, unfortunately, I have experienced many deaths amongst young friends at school and my family - my grandson's being the most tragic and most inexplicable of all. Thank you for putting out your feelings of comfort to those who are hurting this Christmas.