Why I am sad.

Oh Greatnan what overwhelming burdens you have carried, and continue to carry. You have become submerged in all the problems you have tried to solve with integrity and love. Now it's time to look after yourself and get back your equilibrim. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is not just letting them go but finding ourself again. Let go - your job is done.

Greatnan I just don't know what to say but send

I echo madpotter. It's time for you to let go and not allow your daughter to manipulate you any more. This is a tragic story, but it is also a story of your love for your daughter. You've done everything you could and more than you could be expected to do. Step back. Love your daughter because you are her mother but let her take responsibility for her own life. I feel very sad for you greatnan. So hard. xx

PM-ing you Greatnan - I am so sorry to learn what you have been through

Greatnan - I have just read your post with growing sadness, but also with a growing admiration of your strength in dealing with such difficult times, and in your openness and trust on this forum. By writing here, maybe you have just started the painful process of stepping back and letting go.
I wish you all the very, very best of 2012 and onwards...

Greatnan the grief you have had to bear from losing your own lifestyle and making selfless sacrifices is such a great burden and the way you have dealt with these circumstances is inspirational. As others say, you can give yourself permission to let go. You have done more than needed to demonstrate what a caring mother you are and continue to be. I know this does not make up for the way your daughter has treated you, and why you carry such sadness.

Addiction takes away a person's humanity and the substances your daughter has taken will have been doing the talking. She will be aware of this, having used such drugs for so long. You have left things open for her to be able to accept your warm welcome and it may be she already regrets her outburst at you, but will rationalise what she has done to save face. I expect her children do have their own view of what is wrong and will have sympathy for you. Often, it is easier to take the line of least resistance, and put up with the distorted statements she has made about you, rather than challenge her and have to live with her disapproval and wrath. I speak from bitter experience, having an ex-DIL who spreads lies and spite in order to justify her vengeful behaviour.

I wish you a peaceful 2012 Greatnan and hope that things will settle into a more manageable state, so that your daughter can find her own peace and enable you to do the same

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dear Greatnan, you are not responsible for her any more - you have gone so far beyond what many other parents would or could have. You have a loving family and you are looking forward to your future with them in New Zealand. Thank you for trusting us enough to unburden yourself. It almost justifies our existence that you are able to do this. We share your hurt and, of course, your joy. May you have so much more of that.

Yes, give yourself and her some space and allow things to unfold over the next few weeks before you put out your hand to her again Greatnan. She needs to process how she has behaved towards you, and work out how she could improve your relationship in future - you have already done a lot of hard work on this and it's a two way thing, so let her put some effort in.

I am so glad that you feel better for sharing that Greatnan . This has been a long and very lonely road for you. As Carol indicates it does not make any sense to have feelings of hurt about this letter. It is just an indication that she is angry at the moment and you are a soft target. I hope you have already destroyed it. If not, suggest ceremonial burning and tossing the ashes into the Tasman Sea. Try not to go over her words in your mind.
You have hung on in there, been an incredibly supportive parent and come out bloodied but unbowed. However hard people try they cannot always rescue their adult children. But now, as she is putting you at a distance, there is no more rescuing to do.
It is still possible that she will change again - where there is life there is hope. But it won't be brought about by anything you do, other than maintaining a distance and being patient.
It is fortunate that her children are now adults and that you don't have to worry about their welfare any more. They are lucky to have you and it is time to focus on building positive adult relationships with them. I am sure it has not been easy having a mother in that state and you have provided them with things that she was not able to. I know a couple of people that had inadequate parents but came through quite well because they had love and care from grandmothers. Also a great thing that you have a lovely and loving family in NZ.

Greatnan, words can be very difficult to find. I wish I could find some that could help you through this time. Do remember that there are many Grandnetters out here who may not manage to express much of any importance, or indeed post anything at all, but who who nevertheless feel so much sympathy and support for you. xx

Thank youGreatnan for sharing this. It is very trusting of you to open up and indicative of the respect we have for each other that you feel you can.
I, and I'm sure many others, find you inspirational. May you find peace and happiness in 2012.

Dear Greatnan - you have done everything you can and you can do no more than be there for her and especially her own children who must be suffering too. I have had experience of this with my own mother when she was alive so can fully sympathise with your sad situation. You must now step back and look after yourself and enjoy your family in the knowledge that you have done everything you can for your daughter.

Greatnan. I was so very saddened by your post but at the same time heartened by the fact that you have been able to share on here. I was in a similar situation with an addict and my first step to recovery (after so many years) was talking about it with others. You have done just the right thing. Now is the time to detach from your daughter (with love), to let her go, and to concentrate on yourself and your own recovery. I am sure that with the support of the rest of your family, you will be able to make a start. I am sending you my warmest of wishes.

Greatnan do keep posting, what we can do is all listen

Thank you for trusting us and sharing your sorrow with us, Greatnan; I hope that the burden will be less heavy with people to share it. I'm sure that others will agree when I say how much I have come to admire you and the way you have sorted out your life, but there was all this in your mind too, churning away. Yes, you can build a "shell" over it all, but never one that is strong enough.

Dear Greatnan I hope 2012 will bring you the peace you so much deserve. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My dear friend who grew up with an alcoholic parent used to talk a lot about co-dependency. The addict hooks others into a rescuing and compensating pattern. Sounds like the best thing you can do for your grandchildren is to show them you have broken out of this pattern. It is easier for you in some ways because you have not grown up with it. But hard because you are her parent.
Good night Greatnan and have a lovely day tomorrow.

Dear Greatnan --- What can I say that hasn't already been said ? I feel so much for you , having lost touch ( through no fault of my own ) to a dear GS 9 yrs ago I can imagine the agony and stress you are , and have been going through . You have done so much for your DD over the years , it's now time to put you first , and maybe just maybe she will grow up and realise what a treasure she has in you .Leave the door open and start to live for you .My very best wishes to you for 2012 -- keep in touch , we all care XX

Greatnan all I can do is to echo all that has been said by everyone else, and hope that 2012 will be a better year for you and your familyxx

Dear Greatnan I can't add anything to the comments of others except for my heartfelt sympathy. My DD has been similar but on a much smaller scale and I now feel that my problems have been trivial compared with yours. You have done so much over the years that it will be very difficult to stand back never knowing when the next crisis will come. Do keep posting as, even if we can do nothing, we can offer understanding. Enjoy the start of the New Year in NZ - you truly do deserve to.

I echo everything that everyone has said, *Greatnan'. What a fearful time you've had over the years. You've given of yourself over and over again. We do that though, don't we? Some mother somewhere, said, "If my child is cut, I bleed." How right that is. You have to be able to step back for a while now. There are other people in her life who can support her just now. Her anger with you, misdirected as it is, will be anger with herself. You know this, though. She'll be alright. You can do no more just now. Let her heal herself for a while. You must be kind to yourself - doing all the things that you do outside in the 'natural world' will help you so much. Take care.

You've moved away; a new year, a new life, a new beginning. and the fact that you've shared this with us means that you are ready to move on. I know it hasn't been a 'secret' as such, because other people have known about it, but I saw a programme years ago about people who lived with secrets, and how much better they felt when they told people. The girl who walked round the world actually missed a bit [she had a lift for a few miles due to the fact that she'd had an abortion or miscarriage and, understandably wasn't feeling too good]. She came clean and went back and walked the bit she'd missed. As others have said I'm honoured to be on a forum where people feel that they can confide in people that are, to all intents and purposes 'strangers' to them. I do feel that some of us are born with an 'obsesive personality'; it doesn't take much for it to cause problems and very little that the people around can do. Lots of love and good wishes for your new life. Looking forward so much to reading about your 'further adventures'.

I had to read through the thread again as it is just so affecting and want to add Greatnan that I am so struck by how strong you have been. I would have broken under that constant strain. I am full of admiration.