Gransnet forums


Adoption - a different side

(11 Posts)
Maries Mon 13-Aug-12 13:16:45

I just wondered if anyone here had an adopted sibling and then found themselves left out and sidelined by their family in favour of the adoptee
(and eventually disinherited as well).

Just wondering how to cope with it. I cant understand why. I have done all I can for my parents all my life. My brother has gone off and is rarely seen but my mother still seems to feel he needs to be given everything.

vampirequeen Mon 13-Aug-12 13:32:43

I don't have an adopted sibling but my family is run along similar lines. I live close to my mum but my sister in Australia is the golden child.

shysal Mon 13-Aug-12 13:45:45

I would say that it is sometimes a 'mother and son' thing. My brother could do no wrong in my mother's eyes and I could do no right, all through childhood years and into adulthood, until the day she died. My mother did not , however, disinherit me. That must seem so cruel Maries!

HildaW Mon 13-Aug-12 16:24:18

Maries, many many families seem to have problems like this and sometimes the only way to survive is to let it go and cut the pain out of your life.
As my Mum was dieing she tried to apologise for the years of hurt I had coped with because my father was openly unpleasant to me all my life. Its a long boring story but basically I've had to accept the fact that I was not what he wanted and have pretty much erased him from my life. I do think that if there is or has been something in your life that you just cant change and thinking about it drives you round the twist...............then give yourself permission to let it go. Look to whats good in your life and treasure that. Good luck.

Mishap Mon 13-Aug-12 16:30:27

Wise words HildaW - I had a very difficult Mum (now dead) and it has taken me a long time to give myself permission to acknowledge that without guilt.

She too favoured my brother (although not in such a tangible way as inheritance) even though she had a real downer on men in general.

Maries - did your adopted brother have any sort of special needs? - if so that could be a factor.

I do know of adopted parents who feel that they have to make up for what they feel is the child's unfortunate beginnings and go over the top in an inappropriate way by spoiling the child.

I think you have to move on from this on the grounds that you cannot change anything and there is no point in wasting one more moment of your precious life thinking about it - let it go.

kittylester Mon 13-Aug-12 17:13:54

Maries lots of us on here have mothers who are 'difficult' and who favour a sibling. It does hurt, doesn't it.

It may not be to do with him being adopted (unless he had special needs as Mishap suggested) More likely to be a mother/son thing, I think, as shysal said. You will gather that my mum is difficult (to be polite) and has always favoured my younger brother over my elder brother and myself.

My Mum has dementia now but made a will a few years ago that left her engagement ring to my brothers ex-girlfriend (of over 25 years ago) so I didn't get it! A strange twist now though is that the golden boy and I are stealing her money, apparently. Luckily my brothers and I talk about how difficult she is and laugh at the situation - can you talk to your brother?

Do try to move on - dwelling on things makes for bitterness. flowers

Do we have anyone on GN who will admit to being the favoured one, I wonder?

kittylester Mon 13-Aug-12 17:26:33

Did I offend someone? This is in 'I'm on' but has disappeared from 'Active' confused

kittylester Mon 13-Aug-12 17:27:06

Now it's back confusedconfused

glitabo Mon 13-Aug-12 17:31:45

Not me! At my mother's 80th birthday she had a photograph taken of her and her sons. When asked if she wanted one with her daughters she said that she would not bother.
The list could go on.
I do believe that our mothers are our first teachers. I learnt very quickly that I did not want to be like her. According to my sons I have achieved my goal.

Charlotta Mon 13-Aug-12 19:16:52

I was my mother's favourite which meant that even long after her death my brother was jealous and mean towards me. When things didn't go well with me and my fiance gave me up, he was marvellous. very kind and supportive. When I married well and was happy, with a big car in the garage he couldn't cope with that. Now he is also dead now so I am left with nothing sorted out between us.
I try not to have favourites and both daughters think the other is my favourite. It is a sibling thing and is good training for life outside the family.

Maries Tue 14-Aug-12 07:56:16

Maries - did your adopted brother have any sort of special needs? - if so that could be a factor

My brother has no special needs. In many ways he has negotiated the world better than I have.

I do know of adopted parents who feel that they have to make up for what they feel is the child's unfortunate beginnings and go over the top in an inappropriate way by spoiling the child

That sounds closer to the way my mother seems to be thinking. Her argument is that she chose to have him and therefore has a responsibility to him - and that has included giving him everything.

My father died last Christmas. Until then things seemed fairly equal as my father was a steadying hand on my mother’s inclinations.

My mother had a business and I was made (I mean made - I didn’t really have a choice) in the business for 12 years unpaid until my parents retired and sold up. My brother (if I might be frank without sounding rude or ungracious) was a lazy B who didn’t do a day’s work but got paid from the business. He spent his time listening to music and going out to clubs and “being the man about town" - sunglasses and posing! He has been through two marriages as well I did not get any pay out from that sale. I was told it would roll into my half of a final inheritance.

As well as working in the shop I supported myself with a part time job outside. I still do that work. My brother was forced to get a job when the business was sold and he married. He also works part time - which I think is why his relationships run into difficulties.

But it’s always been the same. I do the work. he gets the pay offs.

Since then my childless aunt left her inheritance to my mother on the grounds that she had both me and my brother to pass it onto. My father also had two sisters who did the same.

I have always been near my mother and always helped. I even moved to be near but now it seems my mother thinks my brother is in more need. She has already given him a substantial sum to pay off his mortgage and get him out of debt.

Then she told me she was leaving him the rest because she felt (again) that she had to look after him as she chose him. She seems to think I can take care of myself. The funny thing is, she still expects me to come and help her and take her shopping etc. and expects that I will look after her as she gets infirm. She knows and admits my brother will not lift a finger to help.

It’s not the money although it would be nice to be able to think that when I retire I will have something to fall back on, as the years I spent working for mum in the business has left me without any kind of provision and I am worried about what will happen to me especially with all the changes to pensions etc. Since my income has been low I haven’t been able to provide any other pension for myself.

I don’t want to cut my mother out of my life by being horrid and refusing to help etc.. But I cannot figure her attitude.