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why can't they mind their own business?

(55 Posts)
gracesmum Tue 28-Aug-12 20:12:02

DH is not the most domesticated of men - my fault, his mother's fault, his generation? Doesn't matter but he knows that sure as the sun trises in the east and sets in the west, somehow if he drags himself away from his study/book/game of solitaire on the computer, a meal will appear by magic. [irony] emoticon. But every once in a while he decides to be proactive - does he put the bins out? Iron his shirts? Don't be silly, he decides to "know best" about what and how I fulfil my role as domestic goddess.
Why do I buy Dettol antbacterial wipes? he asks accusingly - hah! I have an answer ready - because DD uses them for the boys' high chairs as they do not contain bleach. He grudgingly shuts up. Why do I leave water in the kettle? Why not? Wrong answer - I should tip it out and leave the lid open and thus reduce the amount of limescale in the kettle (makes no diff) I wish he would just leave me to get on with things - he does b****r all in the house and I can cope with that. What annoys is his collection of "theories" which he plucks from thin air and which I am supposed to defer to. angry angryangry

gracesmum Tue 28-Aug-12 20:12:35

trises?? rises of course.

Bags Tue 28-Aug-12 20:25:44

Sympathy, gracesmum!

Bags Tue 28-Aug-12 20:26:39

I don't think DH would dare. He knows I'd bite his head off. Maybe you should try that. flowers

JO4 Tue 28-Aug-12 20:34:00

You might still be feeling a little bit tired and after-the-event-ish Gracesmum. Let it go for a few days. And if you still the same after that, take Bags' advice! flowers

JO4 Tue 28-Aug-12 20:34:42

still feel the same.

Why is my typing going to pot. hmm

Faye Tue 28-Aug-12 20:46:14

gracesmum you have left it a bit long to change him. Your only option is to take Baggy's advice. flowers brew

Notsogrand Tue 28-Aug-12 20:59:29

I had one like that gracesmum, bless him! I tried the biting off of head approach....made no difference. Ignoring the comments led to them being repeated in a louder voice. Trying to discuss how frustrating his attitude was usually ended in tears of even greater frustration.

I eventually hit on the perfect solution....make minimal, vaguely interested noises accompanied by appropriate facial expressions, then just carry on doing what you want to do anyway. smile

It's not important to me to be seen to be right, because I know I am anyway. grin

gracesmum Tue 28-Aug-12 21:04:25

With you on that notso - DH takes after his father who was a great theorist and my MIL was the soul of tact, somehow never letting on that he was talking through his proverbial hat!
This is not a recent phenomenon it just surfaces every so often, possibly because he feels the urge to have an opinion. He just comes up with strange ideas!!

johanna Tue 28-Aug-12 21:51:03

grace , it is not easy to be a retired couple is it. I assume you are both retired?

Suddenly after many years you are literally thrown together, and so you now have plenty of time to observe one another and get irritated by the smallest thing. It is even more testing when husbands have never had an interest bar work. Nothing to distract them. No golf. no gardening, no d.i.y , sailing, hill walking , etc., etc.
That is a big problem with retirement. You will notice things you never thought were there, simply because you were to busy.

We all enjoyed One Foot In The Grave on T.V. , but now it is coming closer to home it is not so funny, is it?
My OH has been retired since 2004, and I am going with Bag's advice: Round the head with the frying pan!!!!!!

merlotgran Tue 28-Aug-12 22:14:22

One thing I didn't realise until I retired was how much I muttered to myself. Now I have DH asking, 'What? Are you OK? Can I help? What's the problem?' etc., etc. There's nothing wrong with his hearing when I'm mumbling recipe ingredients to myself or asking myself whether I should do the ironing now or later but if I suggest to anyone who cares to be listening that the rubbish needs putting out????? hmm

Gally Tue 28-Aug-12 22:50:49

Gracesmum. When the late Mr.G took early retirement I found that my space had been invaded. For years I had made all the domestic decisions, brought up the children, shopped, cleaned, sorted out the plumber, booked holidays, etc.... because he had been so occupied at work and then, suddenly, there he was, taking over and worse still, shock/horror shock pushing MY shopping trolley at the supermarket and filling it up with items not on my list!! Anyway, we continued and gradually fell into a routine of sorts. Small things irritated me and I know that he felt I was being petty and to an extent inconsiderate- when men retire I suppose they have lost their 'place' in a way. How I wish that we had sorted out all those minor irritations because, one day, he just wasn't there and here I am still in charge of everything without him there to put in his two-pennyworth and how I would like him to be back in charge of the bl...y trolley again!! It is totally frustrating, but I would say - get it sorted, as much as you can, bite your lip occasionally and then enjoy the rest of your life together. smile

johanna Tue 28-Aug-12 22:56:09

Nice one Gally. Very true.
But I had to smile at the shopping trolley.!!

Hunt Tue 28-Aug-12 23:08:34

Gally, got the trolley one sor'ed (as the young say)We have one each and DH has his own list of things for which he is responsible. I love a stroll round a super market but not with someone breathing down my neck.

Granny23 Wed 29-Aug-12 00:24:00

Reading this thread has made me realise how far we have come since the day, nearly 7 years ago, when we retired simultaneously. Then DH, with no one else to instruct or argue with, directed all his helpful hints at me. Although I was brought up in a household with two working parents and fully involved in all household chores from an early age AND I can remember how amazed he was when we were first married that I was, at 19yo, a more than competant shopper, cook, baker, jam maker, gardener, paint and paperer, dressmaker and so on, when we retired he seemed to think I was in need of his instruction in such matters as washing dishes, lighting fires, changing batteries and plugs, growing vegetables and making jam.

This attitude resulted in him being handed the rubber gloves, garden fork, frying pan or wooden spoon and left to get on with it. Not a clever response on my part, I was just walking away before I 'lost the heid' and attacked him with said implements. Later, having calmed down, I would express interest in his methodology, claim that 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' - me being the old dog - and allocate that job to him in future. Now he does all the washing up - rinse, stack, wash (in a precis order), rinse, dry, put away -takes about an hour following a 2 course meal for 2 of us! He has complete charge of lighting the real fire (I am hopeless at that), managing the rota for the wheelie bins (too complicated for me), changing the beds and duvet covers (apparantly I am too small to do this successfully), charging mobile phones and such like (I just cannot remember how to do that), cutting grass and hedgesand hoovering (I have become terrified of electrical gadgetry). However, I am the recognised computer expert, whilst he has failed to master the cooker, iron and washing machine. He (without recourse to the instruction manual) can operate both the toaster and microwave enabling him to have HOT beans on toast if I am unavoidably elsewhere at a meal time.

We have, by accident, resolved the tandem supermarket shopping dilemma. We started to use 2 trolleys because we were usually accompanied by 2 DGC who would fight if transported in the same trolley. We have continued with the 2 trolleys even if we have no DGC in tow. I do a normal weekly shop with mine and usually have to wait for him to catch up with 8 to 10 items. I load the items at the checkout, which allows me to quietly dispose of surplus items from HIS trolly e.g. the kitchen roll, paper hankies and toilet rolls which he thinks we need - ME: 'The cupboard is full of them dear' HIM: 'That's because I remember to buy them every week'. Meanwhile, he packs the bags, sorting the goods by size and weight (to balance the bags)rather than my silly method of sorting by categories such as non food, cleaning stuff, fruit & veg, meat and a special bag for frozen stuff.

I see I have nearly written a book on this subject, so will save the vageries of 'putting the shopping away' for another day.

Bags Wed 29-Aug-12 05:49:38

granny23, love it! grin

JessM Wed 29-Aug-12 06:23:25

Nice post granny23
We all (well many of us) like to be in control don't we. When working, us controlling types teach, take on managerial roles, run groups etc. When you have two under the same roof there are bound to be minor conflicts.
I felt it the other day when I asked him to help trim the top of my bay tree. I just needed a minion that would follow instructions so that my vision of how the bay tree should look would re-emerge. It's an artistic matter you know. But no, once triggered into in helpful mode one is over helpful and has one's own ideas and one hacks away. It was really hard not to get very cross. Deep breathing etc. Bay tree is sitting out there reproaching me. It is now just not pointy enough. sad And it is right outside the window and hard to ignore. Bit like a child who has had a haircut from a brother or sister... Needs a bit more of a trimming when he is not around methinks.
Most irritating domestic habit: buying packets of the most expensive, elaborate, dye filled, gimmicky clothes-washing liquid that proctor and gamble have just devised to part the gullible with their money. Little sachets or whatever. Nothing wrong with an industrial sized pack of cheap powder in my personal book of how to run a household.

Ariadne Wed 29-Aug-12 06:45:33

Fortunately Theseus and I retired we went straight into a big charity type role which meant lots of travelling and being busy with paperwork and so on. But we also had separate "jobs" too, me with Cancer Research UK for example.

It has slowed down a bit now, but he has a complete horror of shopping, so I push my own trolley (nice metaphor there!) and let Sainsbury's deliver the boring stuff. He needs frequent re-training in locating and stacking the dishwasher, and has few opinions about the housework.

BUT I could have strangled him last night. It had been my turn to drive, and as I parked my (small) car on the drive, next to his (big) car, and got out he asked why I had parked in the middle of the drive. (As he often does). I have been parking there for over 25 years, and am aware that there's not much room.

Anyway, I slammed back into the car and left him at the front door while I made a great show af precisely angling the car next to the wall. Stamped up the steps, looked down and you know what - my car was still where it had been. But it shut him up. End of 47th wedding anniversary. Well, not

NfkDumpling Wed 29-Aug-12 07:13:52

My DH always fancied himself as a good cook and, since it's never been my forte, when he retired we agreed he should take over the cooking. This has been a great success especially since, as only he knows exactly what he needs, he has to do all the shopping as well.
He tells people that it seems only fair as I did the first 30 years, he'll do the second 30. And that's the drawback. I've only got 17 years left before it's my turn again!

Grossi Wed 29-Aug-12 07:15:06

Grosspapi is quite unhelpful on the domestic front and is "allergic" to gardening hmm.

But when I go away in the summer to visit my family, I always come back to find the taps sparkling, while the floors are covered in dust and fluff and have obviously not been swept, let alone washed, since I left smile.

Then he waits for me to appreciate the lovely shiny taps and pre-empts any non-complimentary remarks by asking what I am going to complain about this time [exasperated emoticon].

But at least he thinks I am a good cook!

NfkDumpling Wed 29-Aug-12 07:26:23

I should have add too that my DH is a bloody good cook!

Maries Wed 29-Aug-12 07:33:46

I have one of these too. He was made to " retire" early. He was not happy and four years later is still not happy. I work part time.

I am always looking for hobbies for him. He doesnt want one it seems. His hobby is to criticiseme. His current obsession with my domestic practices are the window cleaner and the milkman.

Why cant I fetch milk from the supermarket?

I work and by the time I get home it would be an additional hour on my journey three times a week (no matter how much milk we have, he uses it!).

Will he fetch it?


End of conversation.

He can do the windows. A window cleaner is expensive. He will not do the windows ( andy more than he will dothe garden, house repairs or DIY - although he is capable!)

Other bosessions include the food bill, the car, anything I want or need to buy - like a new window because the old one is leaking ( it can be fixed he says .He will do it. He does not)

I have not yet found an answer. I am just grateful when he doeseventually do something I ask him to do

JessM Wed 29-Aug-12 07:37:00

Sounds like a more than averagely frustrating one maries

Greatnan Wed 29-Aug-12 07:41:47

Maries.....I found an answer......

Notsogrand Wed 29-Aug-12 07:49:34

Having to be grateful for not much. Yes, I remember that Maries flowers