Falling out of love with Husband/Partner have you? did you? did you stay out of loyalty?

biker That seems a very grim state of affairs and yet you remain so cheerful. I am not in the same situation (thank heavens); I just wanted to send .

I'd like to commend your honesty...

biker, we have always appreciated your humour and sense of fun. Thank you for telling us so frankly about the frustration you live with day in day out which makes your humour all the more remarkable. I wish there was something I could say, but we have such a variety of experience here that I am sure someone else will be able to relate to yours.

It sounds like you are doing a grand job Biker. Do you get any help from a district nurse (if these still exist)? If not, could you see your doctor and explain the situation to him.

Don't feel guilty for feeling like this. It is simply human. There are probably a lot of women out there feeling the same, whether or not they post on GN.

Better times may be ahead.

I know exactly what you mean. I felt like that about my husband for years before we split up but would never have left him as he was such a decent person and I didn't want my children to go through the pain of their parents divorcing. It was only afterwards that I realised how unhappy I had been for so long.

It's so depressingly common that many mature women are living with husbands they don't like, but won't leave for all sorts of reasons. Only you know whether its live-able with, biker. Would you feel even worse if you decided to end your relationship? Is there something you can arrange that will take the pressure off you? I do hope things improve for you

I think when is right. A lot of women live with husbands they don't like much anymore.

Where the balance tips so going is a better option than staying is up to the individual.

I know of many women who stay with their husbands not out of love but because they have become just good friends. Do you feel like this about your husband or do you feel you have just become his nurse? It is a very difficult situation for you to be in and like others I admire your honesty. I hope being able to talk about it on here will help you

I really feel for you biker you are such a young woman and should be enjoying your life,I do hope you can get over this problem without feeling guilty about your feelings ((hugs))

biker What a difficult situation for you. It's not easy to walk away from someone you've been with for a long time, and doubly so when they are dependent on you.
If you were a selfish bi**h (clearly you aren't), you would be long gone!
If you can possibly get some help, and have a little more time to do things for yourself, it may be more bearable, but only you can remedy the situation.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw this thread this morning, biker. Last week my DD dropped the bombshell that she and her DH were separating after 17 yrs of marriage. I have been terribly upset as I feel she has been influenced by her MIL who left her husband just before her 60th birthday as she felt she was turning into his carer and still wanted a life. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't approve. DD tells me she doesn't want her life to turn out like her MIL's as the men in the family get easily depressed and are very 'needy'. So far, it all seems to be amicable. SIL is renting a flat nearby so he can have easy contact with their three children who are now in their teens and taking it all very well (so far!)
I have heard on the family grapevine that DD thinks I am being over sensitive but I can't change my values even if they are seen as old fashioned these days. My DH has many health issues and has not always been the easiest of partners even when he was fit and well but is the grass always greener?? When my DD's MIL left home their whole family disintegrated. I wouldn't want that for mine.
I am hoping that DD and SIL are keeping their options open and that after a separation they might get back together again but who are these hopes for....her or me?
I know of quite a few women who have left their husbands because they feel the marriage is just one of convenience and that the years have taken their toll. It always seems to be because the men don't want anything out of their lives other than their daily needs being provided for.
Do you have family support, biker?

The only thing that concerns me [and I don't want to sound cruel] but, if you enter into a relationship with someone so much older surely it's obvious that you will become a carer for that partner at some point in the future? There is a middle period of our lives where age doesn't matter so much but on the peripheries [very young and very old] the age gap becomes very apparent.

Oh Biker, I do feel for you. Please dont feel guilty, there but for the grace of etc etc etc, go I (and I'm sure many others). I fell out of love with my other half but thankfully fell back in. Looking back soberly I realised that I had fallen into a classic mind life crisis (which at the time I did not recognise, just felt very unhappy and unsettled). We are back on track but he is 9 years older and we did have a bit of a scare a few months ago and I found myself really doubting my ability to stick through thick and thin should the worse happen. I still dont know for sure but the warning has made me learn to see the good things a bit more.
I cant offer you any real advise - situations are so personal. I just wanted you to feel that there are others who face similar problems and that you should not be so hard on yourself. When we make our choices in life we rarely do it with long term thoughts. Also you both made the choice, its not just you, he chose you!.
I wish you well, good luck.

Biker that's one of most honest posts I have ever read on GN.

I think being with someone for a great many years we do go through a range of felling's toward our partner, we go from being a loving wife/partner to parent where right or not our priority tends to shift to the children, then once the children leave we are back to a one to one relationship and then for some the role of carer/nurse.
Please do not beat yourself up that your feeling's have changed for your Husband, the role for you has changed and I think it must be very hard to do everything you do and not feel bitter, and yet your humour and sense of fun is still there.
Can you speak to your Dr and see if there is any help that you can get in to enable you some time to yourself and it may make your day to day easier.

Sending you a huge {{{hug}}}

That is an honest post and I think I am not alone in saying that there have been many occasion when I have felt out of love with DH and he no doubt with me (but I can't think why) Familiarity does breed a certain level of contempt, by which I mean noticing the little things that annoy (farting in bed, leaving the cooker spattered with fat after the morning fry up, never picking up newspapers blah blah blah, I could go on, but you will be glad that I won't!) I don't often agree with Prince Charles, but do you remember when he said "Whatever being in love means" and I think my definition of love has changed from when we first met aged 19. WE have changed a heck of a lot since then.
Pity is no substitute for love but love allows all sorts of emotions to be tolerated - most of us did say the old "For better or for worse" thing - not just "until I get the urge to try the greener grass on the other side"
And just another thought - age doesn't necessarily play a role in being a "carer" as many of us know. Good health and vitality make a huge difference and if they are not there, there's not a lot you can do about it. Kicking a man (or woman) while they are down is not something you do where there is love. If you can do it, then I would suggest the love has gone. I agree wholeheartedly with suggestions to make time/space for yourself, have things which genuinely bring you pleasure so that the hard times are easier to bear. You are not alone - if that helps.

Don't feel there is a lot to add to what the others have said biker make some time for yourself and then see if things are more bearable.. I guess I am lucky that having divorced my first husband (an alcoholic) after 21yrs DH and I were good friends before we married 17yrs ago and remain so and do love each other enough to see us through what is to come in the future.
I'd like to add a ((hug)) and

[Biker] that is a very honest and courageous post,, you are a strong and amazing woman. I suspect no one can give you advice nor do I think you want any,except take care of yourself,be kind to yourself, and have something in your life that is all your own,which as others have said would mean finding some help to give you time off. (((Hugs))) and [ flowers]

When I read your post earlier biker I didn't contribute anything as I am not exactly in your position, but I felt touched and a little frightened by your desperation. MrDogs is in the early stages of dementia and will only get worse over the coming years. His mother suffered from the same affliction and we have watched her descent into total confusion, etc over the years, so I know what the future holds.
I would say that, if nothing else, try to get away for breaks or even outings. You may find you are entitled to some respite cover, depending on your circumstances. You are still a youngish woman with a life you could live and enjoy.

Can't think of anything to add biker apart from what has already been said. There's no easy solution, which is why you are feeling as you do. Thinking of you

I think we all come to the point in our lives when we realise that time's running away quite fast, and we start asking ourselves if this is all there is. I've felt like that a lot lately too, biker. My partner is 11 years older than me, and in my mind, especially when I'm alone, I think about my feelings for him when we first met. I think about what he looked like, and what he looks like now - or what he would look like if I didn't make sure he wore decent and more or less up-to-date clothes ! We've had quite serious ups and downs over the years - who hasn't? However, he's quite fit and very able to do a lot. He's never happy unless he's busy doing something - preferably outside in the garden or walking for miles in the countryside.
There have been times - quite often, when I've been really angry and exasperated at his attitudes about certain things - and I've felt quite trapped, and thought that I really needed to get away to be on my own.
It's good that you're able to talk about it on here, biker. We have such plans for ourselves when we're younger, and it doesn't include nursing an invalid (don't mean that to sound like it may do, and I'm sorry if it does). Like the others have been saying, can you develop something that's all of your very own? Really your own? Not something that will include your grandchildren, or anything where you have to give OF yourself. Above all be kind to yourself, biker. Don't feel guilty or selfish about anything, but try and get a bit of your own life back. Thinking about you, and really understanding how you're feeling. xx

biker I think we all have times when we have to decide whether to change something, or accept. Forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds as though you made the decision to accept a long time ago.
But small changes could make some difference. Can you get some nursing care to help with the dressings? A lot of people don't feel comfortable doing that and you shouldn't feel guilty if you do.
As others have said, take time out for yourself, if you can, with friends or b yourself, whatever you like doing.
You sound like a lovely lady, I hope your DH appreciates you, but perhaps he takes you for granted?

A tough situation biker - well done for your honesty.
It sounds like an more acute version of what many of us experience as relationships change over the years, made more acute by the age difference.
I hope you can find ways outside the home of living more of the life you would wish.
My OH has PD and, although thankfully he is still a true partner in most ways, I know that one day (all things being equal - and if I do not drop dead first) I will be in more of a caring role than I am now. At the moment I have to remind him about his huge number of tablets, do the driving and generally do all the other wifely things - but I do feel concerned about how I will cope when he deteriorates (as he inevitably will) - I think I should be able to cope with the physical stuff (but not lifting) but I do not know how I will cope if dementia sets in (as it often does with PD).
Please find moments to go out and enjoy yourself - you need and deserve that.

You could ask your question here Biker

Or does he only handle the featherlight questions?

I have jjust popped back in (been for a wheelchair today) says he can come shopping with me now!!!
I am astonished at all your replies, all the advice and the kind messages of support, It does make things a little easier if you feel like you are not the only one with similar problems and thank you all for your kindness. DH would be devastated if he saw what I had written!although deep down I think he senses how I feel, as he remarks that he is a "burden" to me. My lovely daughters are there and know how hard work he can be at times, he has depressive moods, goes off on a 2/3 days sulk if things don't always go his way, but I have become stronger over the yrs, I have my bike (which he did encourage me to buy)! I have started going linedancing again and also taking up photography.I know I will never leave him as his health is deteriating more (but then it has been for the last 20 yrs) I do book the odd weekend in Llandudno but he never turns round and says "oh I enjoyed that" although I do hear him telling others his son etc that I am really good to him!and they know the situation.Yes the district nurses have been visiting but have now stopped, they would come again if anything changes, but they see it as that I can do any dressings.I don't want to doom and gloom and there are many peoples so much worse off.in fact one of my friends has had her arm amputated and she is still laughing and smiling.!
Thanks again for all your support, ..ok now then!! "whens the next party"!!!