ungrateful selfish daughter.....help !

Sometimes we over help our kids and we feel the pain when they are having problems in their lives don't we but it sounds as if your daughter is determined not to be thankful for your help, and also there is a hint of her wanting to see you as a poor mother for whatever reason.
It can be very painful when you reach out to help and they slap it down but maybe somewhere reading between the lines she feels a bit controlled.
We want to help them but when they act in a rejecting manner is it because the help we offer is not the help they want. is it more about what we imagine they need rather than what they really need?
I too have a grown up daughter and I sometimes think that whatever I do or say or offer it is never enough. I have been so hurt on so many occasions I have decided to step back a little. When she wants help from me now she will need to ask now, for me I believe it to be about me having remarried a few years ago and thus making myself less available.

hello girls,,,i have just read all the comments again plus all the new ones,,,,,thanks so very much you are all so kind. i have raken in all you have all said intensely. you are al right, so i am drawing in the reighns and closing the bank of mum and dad, the house,,,well i went there today cleaned all the dust and dirt out ready for the carpets to go in then thats it, sent her a text to tell her she can move in any day after 15th feb......it looks like a show house its beautiful. well 2 days later she answered with a text, it said,,,,wait for it,,,,!!!!!! i would apreciate it if you didnt tell me what to do, i wont be happy if you push me into a corner, i will give my notice on 5th march and it will be a month,s notice perhaps the house will be totally finished then, i am not moving in till then, !!!!!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i was mortified, my husband was blazing,,,remember he is not her father. so i am just waiting to tell her we are not paying the morgage on the new house she will ahve to pay it herself for march, we paid feb,s, we will have to pay the gas bill as the workmen have had the heating on to dry out all the plastering,,and they could never have worked in the cold in the house plus we were worried about burst pipes. and thats that now, its coming up to half term,,,and my husband and i are going to dissapear oh by the way its been 6 weeks this saterday that this daughter hasnt been in contact with us,, now, i am going to pluck up the courage to tell her how i feel about the way she has treated us, i have been in an awfull emotional state these last few weeks i can tell you, i cannot believe how she has treated us,,,,,,,anyway thanks everyone i would love to meet you all,,,you have been such a great help....if you not too bored i will tell you how it all turns out, wont type so much either,,,

angie that is awful, but you sound a lot stronger now.

Bonne chance -

it's been said before, now the house is finished, if she doesn't want it- just put it on the market. Enough.

Re- bonne chance.

angiebaby how lovely to have an update - I read your OP, mouth open in disbelief so it's heartening to hear you're going to stand firm and confront your daughter. Words fail me really other than to say, just keep your nerve and don't accept any more of this nonsense. Good luck

Please do let us know what happens next, angiebaby - and if she doesn't move in, or can't pay the mortgage, stand firm and sell the house. You have done far more than enough and you and your DH deserve a break from the emotional blackmail.

Keep it up, angie! You are sounding determined now.

Stand strong - we're all rooting for you.

Well done angle yes we all behind you! Hard to believe your daughter so ungrateful but nothing surprises me now!

Keep strong enjoy knife with your OH spend on yourselves!

Angiebaby, I really cannot get my head round what your daughter is doing! So glad you feel that you can begin to stand up to her. I'd be inclined to sit down and write it in a letter. Plan what you want to say and if it takes several attempts, so much the better because writing stuff down is always a good way of getting it clear in our minds. Once you are happy with the letter leave it over night and then re-read it and make any final changes and then just post it.
Then go away and have a complete break from her.
I do wish you all the best and hope that at some point your daughter realises what she has done to you.

I just hope you don't lose everything due to the house being repossessed if she doesn't keep up the mortgage payments.

Yes, I agree - you'll have to make sure she's actually paying the mortgage - whose name is it in? Stay strong and evict her if she refuses to pay.

It is so sad that your daughter is so ungratefull. I think HildaW is right about the letter. If there is no change to her attitude after that I would sell the house and enjoy time with your husband. Maybe while she is not living there you could pay the mortgage ( if you are in a position to do so) rather than risk losing the house.

I wish you much luck.

I echo gillybob's response. Take control before it's too late.

angiebaby you haven't said how old your daughter is by the way? I read your original post with horror and I am now glad to find you have found the courage to stick up for yourself. To be honest she sounds appallingly selfish and will one day, hopefully, realise that when she has her own children. We all try to help our grown up children but honestly you have taken it to the extreme. Don't worry about her contacting you. She will when it suits her. Just be prepared to stay firm and not give in just because she has been in contact again.

dorset, she did in an earlier post....48 I think it was.

At 48 drat daughter should be looking after Angie! Perhaps she's menopausal!

Surely you had a struggle when you started out. I suppose I am lucky in the fact that I have never been expected to bail them out or finance my children. It is not a right they have to have parents pay for houses, bills, holidays, new kitchen fittings etc. I am shocked - although I know friends who have done the same. They seem to feel that if they say NO then the 'children' and they are not children, will not love them. I did lend one son £100 ONCE -we are not loaded by any means and it was from our meagre savings. When he was able to pay it back he never did. It was the false promises etc. I had promised to buy a crib for their expected baby. I told him, nicely, that not to worry about the money to buy the crib with it. It worked. I know it is difficult to say no but I think the time has come. Good luck with this. She sounds delightful.

angiebaby, she will need you before you need her. She will come round but what a selfish child (yes child) she is. You have done the right thing in pulling out. You need your life now and your husbands. Spend you money on yourself and, if you have the courage, go for Equity Release. that way the money will be yours and she will have a tiny percentage of her inheritance although it seems to me that she has already had her fair share.

You are so right. Flower of the west owinwishnwe had not been so generous with our dreadful daughter but what is done is done don't look back as they say.

We certainly enjoying our lives now enough is enough and do hope angle Can too focus on each other.

You are having a terrible time, I don't know what to say, the other gransnetters have given you some good advice. Stay strong.

I have not contributed to Gransnet for 3 weeks or so. My dear Dad died on 8th February and as you can imagine I have been otherwise occupied. He was 88 so had a good long life.

Why am I saying all this on Gransnet? Well, I have just finished writing the eulogy for my Dad's funeral, reflecting on his life and how he impacted upon mine.

When I read how your daughter is behaving angiebaby, it would be a great exercise for her to imagine that you are not around anymore, and she has to imagine life without you.

Parents are supposed to "parent" - not to overindulge. They are supposed to guide their children into adulthood so they can stand on their own two feet and survive. That is what my Dad did, and I am eternally grateful that he did just that.

Go away from your daughter now....she does not deserve you.....and you will be doing her a real favour by making her stand.....ON HER OWN TWO FEET.

My Dad would be proud of you!!!

Sad days Fondasharing - hope all goes well and you can deliver what I am sure is a beautiful eulogy without becoming too upset - I admire you for doing it as I know I could not have done it.

So sad, thinking of you Fondasharing.

Fondasharing - your post is so sensitive and sensible. I hope all goes well on the day.