Gransnet forums


That time of year again!

(12 Posts)
Flowerofthewest Fri 29-Mar-13 00:57:28

It comes to us every few months, Christmas, Easter, the Grandchildrens' Birthdays. We take gifts and - this weekend - Easter Eggs to our estranged DGC who we haven't seen for 5 years, it is heartbreaking. The ex DiL is so vicious and spiteful when answering the door ( We have actually never had a cross word, not from us anyway) we just drop the gifts at the door and leave quickly.

In May it is the little boys birthday and I will send a gift voucher as I cannot face knocking on her door again. It is the only real time I get upset, the rest of the year I put them to the back of my mind, it is too painful remembering the lovely times we used to have with them, taking them to the woods, climbing trees, enjoying the things that we enjoy. We will never be able to do these things with these two again. We get such pleasure out of our other grandchildren but it doesn't take the pain of losing these two.

My son doesn't say much, in fact he says nothing at all, he writes to them every fortnight and has for the past 4 years, it was weekly but what can you say in letter when there is no feed back and no reply or acknowledgement at all? He has two lovely little boys from his second marriage and adores them but the eldest is now exactly the same age as his older boy was when she stopped contact.

Now that is off my chest I will feel a little better. Its sad when my mother says that she won't buy the two we don't see and egg because she never sees them. It is not their fault at all. sad

absent Fri 29-Mar-13 06:50:25

Flowerofthewest It is all those special occasions that you mention that must make this terrible situation even more poignant. I know the pain of separation from grandchildren but in my case it is purely geographical. I can only wish you well and hope that you continue to be strong enough to keep this tiny channel of contact open. Who knows where it may lead as time goes on. flowers to you and flowers to all other gransnetters estranged from their beloved grandchildren.

JessM Fri 29-Mar-13 07:03:48

sad indeed flowerofthewest

Flowerofthewest Fri 29-Mar-13 08:31:35

The idea of my DDH and I delivering the gifts at certain times was the idea of my ex-DiL when in court last. Sadly it doesn't really work. We could drop them off at her mother's house but feel just a unwelcome there. they are not a nice family at all. I must admit I have been lax in writing to the children, I don't even know if they get our messages. I used to write monthly in the beginning, I really cannot see the DiL letting them have our mail.

The type of person she is shows in this little gem. Both children has a special comfort toy (as most do) when they were seeing their daddy they were especially distraught when they went home one of the days. The mother took their comfort toys (Dog Dog and Little Bear) from them and threw them in the wheelie bin for the bin men to take the next day. This upset me more than anything. Little Bear was given to the little girl to 'look after' when she was 4 as it was her daddy's and he said she was now old enough to look after him. they were still together then. Dog Dog was the little boys only comfort at the time.

JessM Fri 29-Mar-13 17:44:03

Oh that is a very angry woman. Dreadful. Maybe if you bought some nice postcards with suitable pictures on them you could just drop them a line on those. Maybe some of them would get through and they are presumably old enough to read.

Audreyab Fri 29-Mar-13 18:08:31

Oh Flowerfromthewest you sound so lovely and caring and to persist with the gifts is absolutley the right thing to do. They are missing out on so much and one day they will not thank their Mum for that.

As they grow older there will be more of a chance that they will get a say and maybe, hopefully, when you do go to the door, one of your grandchildren will say to their Mum, well actually I would like to speak to Nan this time. This is a strong possibility flower and no one will deserve that day more than you x x

sunflowersuffolk Fri 29-Mar-13 18:25:08

Flower what a terrible situation for you. I have no experience of this situation, but I'm just wondering if you know if your gifts and letters get through to the children? does your son see them at all to ask, I assume not from your post.

I just wondered, when you write your letters and notes, could you also keep a copy of each, and put them in a book or album. You could also include photos from earlier happy days, and memories of them when little with your son and you, and also stories about your son when he was young, and even some of your own old family memories and photos.

I'm just thinking that eventually those boys may come looking for their Dad and grandparents when they are old enough. Then they can see from your albums that they have never been out of your thoughts, and have been loved from afar, and the stories from the past may help them in their future. Sorry if it's a daft idea, and best wishes x

Audreyab Fri 29-Mar-13 18:50:11

Such a brilliant idea sunflowersuffolk!!

Gorki Fri 29-Mar-13 19:04:39

I totally agree !

Mishap Fri 29-Mar-13 19:14:55

Splendid ideas from everyone in this perfectly dreadful situation. Keep the communication going whatever - your stalwart love will make all the difference to them.

Nelliemoser Fri 29-Mar-13 20:10:46

flowerwest (((hugs)))
Sunflower that is such a good idea, for all our estranged grans. When others post on this distressing issue its worth remembering to suggest it.

Flowerofthewest Fri 29-Mar-13 22:15:57

We do keep any copies of letters written to them on pc. this is why I use the computer to write although I do sign with love by hand. My son doesn't see them at all even though he has been through the courts 4 times now and been granted contact every time. He also keeps copies as we have no idea if they ever receive the gifts we send.

We have given the girl a photo album with messages (simple ones) from our family. She handed it back to my son two days later (he was going to pick them up one Christmas - the last time he saw them) with just two photos of herself and her little brother taken out, saying to my son. 'I don't want any pictures of you - I hate you' She was only 8 and was obviously prompted to do this. I hope it was this anyway. She is just 13 now and the little boy almost 10. They were 8 and 4 the last time we saw them.