Am I just being jealous?

Oh KatyK - you are being vey honest about your feelings and it sounds sad. If it were me, I would be very upset - it's the fact that the other mums are invited that must make it so hard. I wish I could offer some advice rather than just saying I feel for you. I only have one daughter and one grandchild as well so inevitably we must invest more proportionately in them. Could you use that as a starting point in another discussion with your daughter?

KatyK I can fully understand your dismay. If I were in your position, I would also feel "left out." Your daughter is the only person who can talk things over and reach an amicable solution with you. I wish you well.

Thank you bluebell and soop. I realise the only person I can sort this out with is my daughter. Trouble is I have tried a few times but just end up getting upset or angry which hasn't helped. I know she isn't doing it deliberately it's just a bit thoughtless. In her eyes she is just getting on with her life.

...and you are an important part of her life. From time to time you would enjoy sharing outings. I would buy a beautiful card and in simple words say as much. Best to keep your negative feelings under wraps.

soop you are right. Thank you for your sensible words. My husband has told me many times exactly the same thing. I'm not a confident person and have had some bad things happen (as we all have) so maybe tend to take things too much to heart.

This has been my first post on Gransnet. Already I have found
it helpful and comforting to put my feelings out to people who don't know me and my family and get support and advice. Hopefully I can do the same for others.

An armful of spring for Katyk

Welcome to gransnet, KatyK. I am sorry you are feeling this way, I sometimes feel the same. I think you will find a lot of us have had similar experiences. Our offspring don't hurt us deliberately. I try to shrug my shoulders and tell myself that as long as they are all healthy and happy that is all that should matter.
I hope you will stay on GN and join in the sadness, happiness and sometimes plain daftness that goes on!

Thank you shysal. I know a lot of folks go through the same sort of thing - I hear it all the time. Never thought it would happen with mine but I suppose we all think that !

Hi and welcome. Does your daughter have a husband/partner you could talk this over with? If you have the right sort of relationship with them you could perhaps bring the subject up very gently when the time seems right? What is the situation with the other granparents? Are they feeling the same? Can you talk to them about it? I know I could talk to one DiL's mother but not the other.

What kind of relationship does your daughter have with your husband (presumably her father)? Would it be possible for him to have a quiet word with her to show her how much she's hurting you by excluding you from these occasions?

Probably another thread, but mothers of sons don't seem to have the same relationship as mothers and daughters. In my experience and those of friends with sons, we are often left out as they defer to their wife's or partner's friends and family. Yes it is hurtful, but best to hide feelings. Xx

KatyK it must be very hurtful for you especially as friends' mothers are involved. I can understand that you daughter wants to spend time with friends of her own age and it is natural that she should. Can you remember when you were a young mum and wanted to spend time with friends who had children rather than your mum? It is difficult if your daughter is choosing to spend time with friends' mums though and not including you in this. I think Soop's idea of a lovely card saying how much you enjoy spending time with her and would like to be included from time to time is a very wise one. Sometimes it is easier to write things down especially if you, like me, tend to burst into tears when you try to say something that is important to you!!

I do not think that DDs really know how much they can hurt us - I am sure there is no malice in this. They do not really understand how precious they and their children are to us. One day they will understand when their turn comes!!

I did not include my Mum in very much - she lived a long way away, and to be truthful was a difficult lady. With hindsight I wish I had made more effort, but things were problematical.

Try to stand back from this a bit - do kind things for them when you can - and show your delight when you are included. That is all you can do.

If you appear to be making demands then things will get difficult. What a difficult tightrope we sometimes walk as grandparents!

Thank you for all your thoughts. My husband has told my daughter in the past that I feel left out. She has appeared with flowers and told me I am the best mom on the world which is lovely, but still doesn't include me. And yes of course I realise she would rather be with her friends than her mum, as did I, and if the other mums - who are all about my age - weren't included, it wouldn't make me feel so bad. About the time things started to change, I had lost all my hair to alopecia. It hasn't grown back but I have a very good hair system in place. Sometimes I feel that I may be an embarrassment although logically I can see this is my own insecurity. My daughter is a good person who has made a good life for her family through hard work so I am not 'having a go' at her in any way.

One of the sadder things about our children growing up is how their parents feature less and less in their consciousness. It doesn'tmean they neccessarily love us less, but we move to the periphery and can finish up a long way from the centre of their lives. IMHO that is how it should be.There is nothing to be gained by trying to exert pressure or induce guilt by being demanding, as Mishap says. That is just the way life is. Some children stay closer to their parents but you can congratulate yourself that you have brought up an independent young woman. You could try to intitiate shared time with her and your DGC, I find offers of help are usually well-received (!) but once the chicks have flown the nest it is up to the parent-bird to reinvent their lives! You will have your own interests,circle of friends and things that you and your DH enjoy doing together. It is certinly not malicious even if it may be tactless of her to know other mums are included and not you, but you do not know the relationships involved - maybe they are "needy" mums

KatyK You have been so honest and your hurt can be felt. Please don't think your daughter thinks you an embarrassment, I'm sure she doesn't but their lives are just that and as much as we would wish to be included they sometimes have two or three parallel lives that they live simmultaneously. Your daughter has the group of freinds you describe that have come into her circle, she has her family life which includes you, she may have a business or work life which will include colleagues she works with and she may even have a sporting or hobby life with friends from those pastimes. At any one time one or other may take precedence over the other but that can change over the years. gracesmum has summed it up perfectly but please don't think badly of yourself, be proud of the fact that this lovely girl of yours is popular enough to have such a wide circle of friends who want to enjoy her company. All that is a product of your efforts, you raised her and formed her into what she is today via your love, caring and guidance. Be proud of the fact. You and your husband deserve a pat on the back for raising such a popular member of society.

Thank you all. You have been very helpful indeed

Hello everyone. An update on my sorry tale ! I invited my DD and SiL to lunch yesterday. They accepted and I was so pleased as we rarely get together now. My husband and myself shopped, I prepared some nice food and we set up the garden furniture for them to enjoy the sunshine. They stayed for an hour and a half. I had the distinct feeling that since they had accepted my invitation, that they had got a 'better offer'. They obviously couldn't wait to leave, it felt decidedly uncomfortable. They said they wanted to spend a bit of time together in a certain town nearby. I subsequently learned that this special friend I mentioned in my original post also happened to be in this town at that time. I fell that my DD lied to me and I don't know why. I feel patronised and almost 'patted on the head'. I am now feeling very low. My husband is upset because I am upset but doesn't want me to rock the boat (which I won't). Any sound advice as before would be appreciated.

Oh KatyK, that is so sad. I can offer no advice but can relate to how our children hurt us so frequently. If I am honest I too did things when my Mother was alive that I realise now was unkind, and because of that I find it a little easier to accept my children's omissions. I think your DD probably knows that what she is doing is wrong, but in her mind at the moment she is justifying it. I think at the moment you should just live your life with your OH and pull back a bit with your DD. Be pleasant and welcoming when she does contact you but don't make any moves to meet or anything. You may have to loose her to get her back, if you see what I mean.

Perhaps you could ring her or write her a note saying how lovely it was to see them and that you are sorry they couldn't stay longer and suggesting they could come again, or arrange to all go out together.

It would seem you have a good relationship with your OH , so perhaps time to concentrate on that , your DD is just going through a phase at the moment .
She will come round , but try not to think negative things about your beloved D.
Just do as as I and mr N. do, get on with your own things.

A big hug and

KatyK I would echo sunseeker's advice. I can imagine how you felt hurt at such a quick visit but it was a visit. All you can do is keep communications open and friendly. Maybe text her - less pressure than ringing and say how lovely etc as sunseeker suggests.

Thank you all (once again). Nanapug and Nonu you have echoed what my DH says - we have a life to live as well and should concentrate on ourselves. We are fit and well (thankfully) and reasonably comfortably off. I had already decided to be as pleasant as I can be and not initiate any more get togethers. I am finding it hard though and sometimes my face gives me away !