Why do I feel so guilty about everything?

Your feeling that you do not deserve to have some enjoyable time for yourself and that your life should revolve around helping others is one I can to some degree identify with - but it truly is not healthy. It is partly the legacy of us post-war babies I think.

It is not a good state to be in and personally I would trot off for some counselling and try and get to the bottom of why you feel like this.

My other piece of advice would be to just go and enjoy yourself regardless. It might help to think about the whole thing in a different way - I know my DDs are always saying how good it is that I have so many interests and things that I enjoy doing so they need not feel responsible for my happiness. Give yourself and your family a break - who knows they might cope just fine and find new strengths in themselves when they are not leaning on you - that can only be a good thing. And you will have had a good time too.

Please don"t put yourself on a guilt trip Gilly , GO on holiday and enjoy , you need it.

You must go gillybob. You absolutely deserve it. I used to feel like this when my parents were alive, especially after my mother was widowed and when the grandchildren were very young and it was difficult for my DD to take time off work .BUT after I arrived at my holiday destination I forgot all about it because there was nothing I could do. You owe it to your DH as well as to yourself to go. Everyone will survive and at least there are several generations who hopefully can give each other some support. I do empathise though and of course last minute illnesses can't be avoided.You will probably have the feelings right up to the time you go but then they will dissipate.

Gilly I can understand a little of what you are feeling as I used to run my own practice and there were times when the weight of that responsibility combined with family stuff did seem too much to bear. I would wake up in the morning wondering how I would get through the day.
You must tell yourself not that you 'need' this holiday (because it's then easy to persuade yourself that you're just being a wimp and you don't 'need' it)
but that you have a right to this holiday and a right to enjoy it just as much as other people enjoy theirs.
You not only have a right to it, but you deserve it too.
When you come back from your holiday, you need to take a day (at least) away, either by yourself or with someone you like and trust, and think through all the pressures you feel and whether you can off-load any of it on to anyone else.
You are strong for other people, be strong for yourself too.

Thank you Mishap Nonu and Gorki.

I know what you (all) say is absolutely right but it is so hard. Years ago when my mum first became ill my DH and I took her and my dad on holiday with us every year. I am extremely ashamed to say that this was often not by choice but because I felt too guilty not too. My parents were not able to travel alone (they don't drive) my mum was in ill health and my dad lost all his confidence. More recently my mum is not able to travel at all and I now feel really bad about going away and enjoying myself leaving my mum and dad to their own resources and it makes life easier all around if I just stay home.

I know these thoughts are getting out of hand and my DH is starting to get a bit "annoyed" (probably not the right word but you get what I mean). My parents have relied on me for their entertainment for so long that I even feel guilty about a rare night out or an impromptu meal without asking them to come along. It is very different for my sister who does her own thing, very rarely visits (because she works in the hospital you know) and doesn't have a guilty bone in her body.

I hate myself for feeling like this.

gilly None of us are indispensible, so (God forbid) anything should happen to you, all these people depending on you would have to find some other way of managing to cope.

Also, you have a responsibilty to yourself, to keep yourself well and able to deal with your life.

The fact that you feel so bad about going, indicates to me how much you need to get away

Go, enjoy and relax, guilt gets you nowhere

Gilly I have learnt there always seems to be "one" in a family who do most of the caring of those who need it. My OH is one of four and he was the only one who looked after his parents when they needed it as they grew older - and he lived 3 hours drive away until his father died and his mum came to live in the village here, he then took over "responsibility" for her, taking her on holiday with us for a few years. The other three kept themselves completely (and I mean completely) out of the picture.

It seems you are the "one" in your family also. Unfortunately I think as females we tend to take on too much through guilt and just because we are made that way.

My exDH used to work well over and above necessity - he was ambitious admittedly, but was conscientious to a fault and used to worry about going on holiday or being away from work. My answer to him was if he died tomorrow, somehow life would go on at work and people would have to cope without him.

I know family commitments are totally different, but in a way you have to tell yourself that if you weren't around for an unavoidable reason, they would have to cope - and, of course, they would!

Please stop beating youself up about it, you need a holiday, you deserve a holiday and you'll feel better for having a holiday! Your OH needs time off as well. Everyone will cope without you for a week or two.

The problem is jane is that no matter how many times my DH says this I cannot see it. I see other people preparing for holidays without a second glance and I envy them for it (horrible emotion I know), but so hard to change your nature. We are a very small family and it seems that I have somehow adopted the role of the "person who sorts everything". There really is no-one else to pass anything onto (well no-one willing anyway) and so I can't see an end to it. Everyone phones me for everything and I am expected to sort it out.

gilly - have sent you a pm

Gilly I think you have summed it up when you say 'I am expected to sort it out'.
It sounds hard, but you have to change their expectations. They expect you to sort things because you allow them to expect this.
I agree with Mishap, I think you need professional help to change the way you think about things and be assertive about your own needs - that is meant kindly, as I hope you know.

gillybob, GO!

By 'eck, your problem makes mine look so weeny. Minibags doesn't want to come with me when I next visit DD1 and the grandchildren. This means leaving her to be late for school, not eat properly (not that she does anyway – stubbornness combined with food phobia), not get enough sleep, etc. etc. for a few days. Her dad will be at home evenings but leaves for work before she's really in the land of the living.

My feeling is, she really ought to be able to get herself up in time to eat breakfast, not miss the school bus, and get to bed at a decent time, but that at present she only manages because I chase her. I honestly think she needs to fail to do these things successfully before she understands what I'm trying to tell her ad nauseam.

So I'm going to let her fail. Could be the making of her, and if it isn't I'll just have to put my thinking cap back on (or carry on bellowing AHOY! up the stairs ).

gillybob, I do sympathise; I thought I was bad: ie. being worried about telling DD that I'm going on holiday.
There is a very good book. I think it's called 'just say no' A few days ago DD phoned to ask if I would look after her friends dog. Without thinking I just said: no. It was such a shock to my DD, but, oh, did I feel good.

I think I can add little to what the others have said except that you might feel less anxious if you put in place a master Plan B for your time away. 1) PIN YOUR SISTER DOWN to her fair share get her to commit to a minimum number of visits/phone calls etc 2) Arrange meals/shopping if necessary for your parents (Wiltshire Farmfoods?) 3) arrange with friends/vicar/neighbours a visiting rota or coffee/tea rota, what ever is appropriate and 4) compile a telephone tree for emergencies. You will have covered just about every eventuality and you will also be showing DH and the DPs that you mean business. DO NOT BE DEFLECTED - I sympathise in that I used to trail up to Scotland every half term (7 hour drive) and school holiday while my parents were alive - I think they appreciated it, but used to go ecstatic when my sister visited once a year from Canada - and latterly DH's health has meant that it ihas been hard to put myself first - I do try now and am only occasionally frustrated, but still feel guilty when I go out on my own to MY things! We need to be needed but don't let yourself become a martyr.

gilly you need to have a break, if your not there the others will take over some of the things you do, and maybe when you get back you could try to let them take some of the load from you even for a day or two a week.....
we can be our own worst enemies sometimes....
Just go and you will be surprised how things will still get done.

gillybob, you just go and have your holiday. You need the break and once you're away, the worries might just melt away a wee bit and let you enjoy yourselves.
Sometimes we can disappear up our own backsides worrying about all and sundry (I'm one to talk, aren't I ), but you do need this holiday. Your family will feel all the better for you having it as well.

You may feel guilty, but you are not. You have given of yourself to everyone else. You owe it to yourself - and to your husband, of course - to go and enjoy a well earned break.

I think anno makes a very important point here. You are worrying about the well-being of everyone except two people - yourself and your husband. Feel guilty about him not enjoying his holiday - that may be the way forward!! - then you can go away with a clear conscience as you are doing it for him.

Please go away and have a lovely holiday.

Gilly I agree with all the others and think that grace has made a very valuable suggestion. Get busy organising your holiday and for every eventuality while you are away. Write lists and don't give yourself time to fret like this.

Just think what it would be like for them all if you were not around to be all things to them. That is what will happen if you don't start taking care of yourself! I know and it is clear that others do too. There is a great book called 'Depression the Curse of the Strong' which is best read before it happens to you. Not the simple depression most people get but genuine clinical depression. It is much more likely to happen to strong people like you than to people like your sister. I know you think it will never happen to you but it does and it really hits you hard.

Go off and enjoy yourself knowing that you have made all possible arrangements before you go.

Don't forget to get the European Health Insurance card to take with you. It sounds like it is so long since you went away you probably don't have one.

Have fun

gillybob What are you frightened of if you just let go and have a fabulous and well earned holiday?
I think you've got yourself into a real panic of what if's, and it's easier to feel guilty and not go than to face what might happen.

No pretending it'll be easy for you, but do try. Let go and just go.

I really hope you and your DH have a smashing trip, and wishing you all the best. [hug]

As others have said, seeing someone to discuss your overwhelming sense of guilt and fear may be very useful.

gilly I must confess that I actually felt quite sad when reading your post. I have a similar role to you in my family - I'm the one who supports others; BUT, my family and friends recognize the many demands they place on my time and actively encourage me to look after myself. If it helps, ask yourself what use you will be in the long term if you don't take care of your own needs? Please, give yourself permission to relax and enjoy being on holiday with your lovely, caring husband.

You've just made the point I was going to make GA and sorry if anyone else has. Gilly you will be no good to any of them if you keel over.

We have cancelled holidays/weekends away lots of times because I have not wanted to leave DS1 here on his own after his stroke but, actually, he coped fine and managed to feed the cats and dog, too. Or to leave DD3 with her precarious pregnancies - she has a husband, but I felt she needed me and her sisters. There always seems to be something doesn't there but, as someone else said, if you are feeling you can't cope with going away, you definitely should.

One of my brothers used to often say that he needed a good holiday and I used to say that, if you had time to think that a holiday was in order, you didn't really need one

And, of course, there's Mum!! I have two brothers and, unless I tell them what needs doing as far as Mum is concerned it would all be up to me so I pull rank and play the big sister.

Gillybob go on your holiday you need it . Trust me my oh and I go away two or three times a year. One time when I was away my mother died the day before we were due back. The quilt I feel was so unreal. I have grandchildren who don't like it when we go away but I now know we do need to get away and I let them all know how much I am going to relaxand do this and do that I think they are glad when we go because that's alli wenton about. My wee dog get so depressed when we go and it's her I would love to pack and take her with us. You are not selfish you are human with to many people to please. Go girl and have ball because we are of on Monday and I will enjoy ourselves anne09 ye ha!!!

Thank you everyone for such kind and sensible comments. I know deep down that you are all right but it is so hard. My biggest problem at the minute is actually plucking up the courage to tell my parents that DH has booked this holiday. I have already tried twice this week and the words just won't come out. They know that we have booked holidays in the past and ended up not going but they don't seem to see it as a big deal. It's almost like I should be satisfied with the way things are and holidays are for other people. It sounds pathetic when I actually write this down. I am a grown woman with grandchildren of my own and yet I am frightened to tell my parents that I am going away on holiday with my own husband.

It is not the practicalities that I am worried about so much as the unforeseen. Yes I can arrange for them to have deliveries but what happens when if my dad gets really depressed? ( he stands at the window waiting for me ) what happens if my mum takes really poorly (it happens often as she has kidney failure) what about grandma? Who will do my 2 days with the children? I could go on and on but I am sounding like a bore!

The problem with having such a small family is that there really isn't anyone to take over.

I'd blame DH!!

Seriously, I would say DH feels I need this and is insisting that I have a break. It might make them realise that you are a person too.