Family relationships webchat with Denise Knowles on Thurs 20th June 1-2pm

Hello Denise,

We have a 3 year old grand daughter from my son and his ex girlfriend, although both are seriously considering making another go of it for their daughter's sake. I am not wild about this idea, although I appreciate that he will be doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. The reason for the split was girlfriend had a fling with "a friend" behind my son's back, they have now got past that, I do know that in his words "he evened the score" after he found out, strange attitudes they have and I question the depth of their feelings. However, I do regard that as a secondary problem for them to sort out. My son's number one problem in the relationship will always be the other grandmother who I regard as the embodiment of the "mother in law from hell" I use the term loosely as thankfully they aren't married.

His second problem is girlfriend's attitude towards money and a sense of entitlement,she hasn't brought anything to the table financially, hasn't worked for longer than a few months and has run up debt.

Where to begin with the other grandmother. Her 3 children are from her 1st marriage, and she and her second husband play parents vicariously with our granddaughter. This marriage didn't produce any children and 2nd husband does not have children of his own.

This woman moved in on our grandchild right from the outset, she was in the delivery room ordering my son about. She has handed out appalling advice in our granddaughter's first few months of life, one gem was to ground up rusk and put it in baby bottle at six weeks. I did tell grandchild's mother this was a complete no no as baby's, digestive system would be too immature to cope with any form of solids at this age and if she didn't believe me check it out with health visitor, but being the maternal grandmother she has far greater influence over her daughter than I ever could and she listens to her mother. My son has had umpteen rows with other gm and this did have some bearing on the eventual break up. She is overbearing in the extreme she took it upon herself to have our granddaughter's ears pierced at 4 months old without consulting my son. Our side of the family was horrified and we hate them, (both the earrings and the other gm)

I have other reasons to dislike her, I don't trust her. For a while, and to get them into a better flat, we helped out financially, but a condition of this was that my husband would have a look into their finances to see where savings could be made. Going through my son's bank statements with a fine tooth comb, my husband found three contract phones and three insurances. Two of these were of course traced back to son and girlfriend and it transpired the third was for "girlfriend's mother" Girlfriend had gone to stay with parents and her mother had said can get you a good new phone contract and girlfriend asked my son for his bank details, which he supplied, and yes we were livid with him a) for giving bank details to girlfriend while mother was around and b) for not checking bank statements. When my husband pointed out this third, and unforeseen monthly debit coming out, allegedly the error was blamed on phone shop, and she did have to pay the money back, but I have a "nasty", maybe suspicious mind. There have been other things of a financial nature, but it would all take too long to explain.

Among the many problems my son has experienced with this horrible woman was criticism that he doesn't do enough, but he works very long hours and I think the person who is at home should do most of what needs to be done in the home. It's not a male/female thing for me just an equable division of labour. Problem is girlfriend had child at 19 and has never really worked at a proper job for a sustained period of time and doesn't understand the demands of the work place. I kid you not, my son went in to a 2 hour meeting and when he came out he had 36 missed calls from her!

Other grandparents have granddaughter a week to 10 days a month, they live about 70 miles away. This will have to stop soon because she will be starting morning nursery in September. I do blame both my son and girlfriend, they have allowed this situation to evolve from a week-end a month and it's got longer and longer. Although I think girlfriend is intimidated by her mother she has got used to this time to herself and even relishes this freedom, as like many young mothers she tires of the day to day routine of being a mother. I don't think her mother does her any favours in allowing her to abdicate her parental duties. I have issues with girlfriend but can get on with her and don't want to alienate her altogether the way her mother has done with my son. Although she does know that I don't like her parents as she did suggest a while back that we all go out for a meal for grandchild's second birthday, I told her "that it was better that we keep a respectful distance under the circumstances" think she understood when I said "you may understand one day when grandchild is grown up and some other adult is highly critical of her possibly you wont want to sit across a table and have meal with them". She lives fairly near us and is more than happy for us to have our one day a week with grandchild, that's enough for me I don't want to play role of mother, in my opinion grandparents should be one step back. One of the reasons I joined GN was to draw on other grandmothers' experience with similar problems to our own.

Just to give you a flavour of other grandmother, when granddaughter was a few months old, she said to her daughter in front of myself and my husband in our house, "I'm taking gc abroad next year for a couple of weeks", daughter, "I don't want you to, it will be too long away from me" grandmother "we'll see about that". We have both told our son "she will always be a problem for you". He says he will try for grandchild's sake to be civil to her when he occasionally has to meet her but wants that to be the extent of their relationship. Sorry this is such an epistle would just like an opinion from an expert.

Re My earlier post:
Things have moved quite fast & Son was able to make use of the few suggestions I made. An ideal opportunity for him to broach the subject came up & he seems to have dealt with it all in a very sensitive way & I hope found his own power at last. I'd said that if their relationship really was based on trust as he had said then he should be able to be open about fears. He approached it from the angle of his concerns about the inappropriate, unprofessional behaviour & text message of the boss which could open up charges of sexual harassment being laid against him. He says things feel more like normal now so I hope it has prevented anything from developing & they've talked about how his wife can deal with any advances the boss might make.
I'd still be interested in your views on this subject & thoughts on strategies for bringing such a sensitive subject up in a relationship, as I did feel rather short of ideas.

Hello

My DD is due to give birth in August. Her DD is in reception and DH and I pick her up from school three times a week (on the days DD works) and give her her tea.

DD hasn't asked outright, but I know she's expecting that we'll take the new baby on those days when she goes back to work. Is it selfish to just not want to? Of course we want to help, but having a five-year-old for three hours three times a week feels very different from having a baby for an entire three days. I feel terribly guilty about this (especially with all the people on the forums suffering from no contact) and just don't know what to do.

I would love some advice about how to improve our relationship with our DIL as she and our DS live in Australia. They are having their first baby in August but our DIL never speaks to us on Skype or the phone although we do communicate regularly with DS.

We ask after her each time we speak but there is never a chance to speak to her. They lived in London together for three years before going to Aus to live (very near all her family) and they visited and stayed with us regularly with no problem.

We have visited them twice in Aus (once for their wedding)but DIL and her family made us feel very unwelcome. This was so bad that we feel we can't suggest we visit again until we are actually invited. She said she did not want us to phone or Skype them as it was not always convenient so we just have to wait for our DS to contact us - usually when she is out or has gone to bed. Our DS came here for a wedding (on his own) and I did try to speak to him about it. He said he would sort it but nothing has changed.

I am really worried that we will never be allowed to have a relationship with our new GC. I can only conclude that our DIL sees us as a threat as our DS may decide he does not want to stay there - if only!!

It is really upsetting us as we would love to visit after the birth of the baby but obviously only when they feel is right. We also would love to see GC on Skype but may not be allowed to. We were only told about the pregnancy after 12 weeks although her family had known the news for many weeks. We just want to be part of their lives and it is so hard being so far away.

My DP are talking about getting engaged .

I've introduced him to my DD, who liked him very much and thinks that my 3-year-old GS, her son, will like him too. She has told me that she's very happy for us.

At the same time (and I do understand this) she's sad that GS has no memory of my late DH, who died when he was a baby, and will probably come to think of my DP as his grandfather.

Could you give me any advice on how to handle this sensitively? We do talk to GS about DH and he has seen pictures, but of course he doesn't really understand yet.

Thank you.

Oops sorry - that should have been "My DP and I are talking about getting engaged."

Legacy of toxic parenting?
I had an extremely difficult childhood, with a narcissistic personality disordered mother and abusive stepfather.
Am delighted to say that I was able to totally alter parenting patterns, and my own girls, in their own words "had great childhood".
They are balanced, happily settled adults with good relationships and DD2 now has her own first child and is a super new mum.
We are close, in a 'sensible' sort of way ...don't talk a dozen times a day (unless there is something going on!), but do speak often and we visit back and forth as t fits in with all the other life demands. Both DH/Dps are lovely.

My worry is that, despite all the above, both my girls have an innate 'need to please' and some issues with lack of confidence in themselves, although both present strong confident faces to the outside world. Both are far less inclined to these behaviours than I am, but the traits are still there. DD2 particularly has a low 'body esteem'.

Is this because I inadvertently passed on some of the toxic parenting I grew up with? I feel so guilty that I may have damaged them.
Are these traits always caused by nurture, or is there an element of genetics?

Not really sure how the web chat works. I have preposted my problem but I will now try to cut and paste it as I don't know if I have to post "live"!

I would love some advice about how to improve our relationship with our DIL as she and our DS live in Australia. They are having their first baby in August but our DIL never speaks to us on Skype or the phone although we do communicate regularly with DS.

We ask after her each time we speak but there is never a chance to speak to her. They lived in London together for three years before going to Aus to live (very near all her family) and they visited and stayed with us regularly with no problem.

We have visited them twice in Aus (once for their wedding)but DIL and her family made us feel very unwelcome. This was so bad that we feel we can't suggest we visit again until we are actually invited. She said she did not want us to phone or Skype them as it was not always convenient so we just have to wait for our DS to contact us - usually when she is out or has gone to bed. Our DS came here for a wedding (on his own) and I did try to speak to him about it. He said he would sort it but nothing has changed.

I am really worried that we will never be allowed to have a relationship with our new GC. I can only conclude that our DIL sees us as a threat as our DS may decide he does not want to stay there - if only!!

It is really upsetting us as we would love to visit after the birth of the baby but obviously only when they feel is right. We also would love to see GC on Skype but may not be allowed to. We were only told about the pregnancy after 12 weeks although her family had known the news for many weeks. We just want to be part of their lives and it is so hard being so far away.

Sorry if you have already read this but I would love some advice. I want to write a letter but I am scared as I don't want to make things worse.

Hi Denise,

My daughter and son in law are currently going through a bitter divorce. He was unfaithful and lied persistently and they can't get through it.

My GD, who is five, is very fretful and anxious and has started wetting the bed. Is there anything you can suggest that my husband and I can do to help? (we do the childcare two days a week - she is better with us but still showing signs of unhappiness)

Thanks

Hi Denise,

DD recognises that I am not well enough to work full time, have recently started PT through necessity but she seems to think I am well enough to provide care for 2 darling grandsons 3 or 4 days a weeks for up to 6 hours at a time. How do I her to see this is too much and she needs back up childcare too? this is making my health worse.

I have a question about the other grandparents. They show great favouritism to one of our two shared grandsons. They are always talking about him, and giving him presents and wanting to take him out for the day. I don't know why - maybe because he has red hair like their son whereas the other one looks like my daughter. They pretty much ignore him.

My daughter is distressed by it. Should we try to redress the balance (I don't want to make two wrongs) or do we just have to live with it?

I have a question about my mother, who has become very forgetful. I want her to go to see the GP to see if she is suffering from the kind of short-term memory loss that can be treated by drugs, but she bridles when I suggest that she may be in need of help. She always has an excuse. At the very least, I think anxiety could be getting in the way - she was on anti-depressants but has stopped taking them. She is not, I suppose classically depressed but she has a high level of anxiety and this I am sure stops her from thinking clearly.

What would you suggest? I have tried ringing the surgery but the GPs won't do anything without saying I asked them to - which seems worse than suggesting it directly.

Any strategies I could try?

Ty Denise, it does feel more than full time, leaves little time or energy. DD and family moved near to us last year so previously she was used to my being there 24/7 when I stayed - a very different situation to day in day out. Hope to sort it out without a Dr's letter but guess Dr would agree with you.