Brothers and sisters

Always meet up on neutral ground

We don't know how bad the thing you've got against your brother is, but you do seem to have gone along with the December plan for a good few years. Are you sure you can't let sleeping dogs lie for the sake of on going family happiness?

Brenda with all due respect, you are a grown woman and your sister can't insist you do anything that you don't want to do.

Just quietly tell her that it won't be happening in your home or his.

Brenda you and your brother know what happened and she might not want to know, even if you do try to explain. It sounds like you have tolerated him visiting your house previously and it made you very unhappy, so you can choose not to put yourself through that again, nor do you have to meet up in his company if it distresses you, no matter where this takes place.

You could tell her things have broken down regarding your brother and you aren't planning to socialise with him again, nor do you wish her to intervene. If she can't accept it, you could opt out of the December get-together and say you'll see her after Christmas.

Thanks all, especially whenim64. Sound advice. Just sharing with all you lovely people helps.

Oh I think that's a bit harsh Ella46. I too am "a grown woman" and I know only too well what it's like to be forced guilt tripped into doing something you really don't want to do just to keep the family peace. Sometimes it's easier just to go along with everyone else rather than rock the boat. I am a coward I know but some of us are just not that strong willed.

Brendawymms I cannot really offer any constructive advice but you are right, sometimes it helps to just get it off your chest and the Gransnetters are very good listeners. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

gillybob I too know that feeling only too well, but I can tell you from experience, that the world doesn't come to an end when you say no to someone.
It is also very liberating

I'm with Ella46 on this one if only because I've spent most of my life trying to please everyone and only making myself unhappy. There has to come a time when we stand up for ourselves. Telling Gransnetters might help for a while but the problem is still there. Being honest with yourself and refusing to do this get-together in your home might be very liberating. You won't know until you give it a go... You could still meet on neutral territory. Or you might find that your brother has felt the same and is very glad to break the annual event too...

Is it possible to try to talk things through with your brother letting him know your feelings? or if you don't feel able to speak to him write a letter. Is he aware of your feelings regarding the childhood event?

Of course you may feel there is no way you can forgive him in which case you should not allow your sister to bully you into having him in your home. Is she aware of the childhood hurt?

Sadly the word NO is not one I use very often in family life Ella46. I often set out with "it" in mind but always end up agreeing to do what I am being asked and often a whole lot more too !

It's never too late gillybob!

I do understand gilly but you know the saying 'If you lie down, people will walk all over you'.

Be prepared for people to take sides, my family has been split in half because one of my sisters has refused to see another sister after many Xmases together. The last one felt utterly miserable, and now I feel guilty and as if I have to speak to one in secret, without the other one finding out.

I am like your sister - I don't even know what the row is about, only that it has been brewing for years. I am piggy in the middle and feel wretched about it, because as a result of the row that ensued we all seem to be steering clear of each other. All of the nieces and nephews are also having to see each other in private, not because they have been told to, but because they feel guilty when they see their aunts. The ripples spread very wide. I used to see my sisters frequently, now it's maybe twice a year as from two years ago.

My sister has just mentioned the Christmas lunch. I am speechless!

To mention the Christmas lunch already makes it seem to me that your sister knows there is some difficulty for you about it, otherwise why would she need to mention it six months in advance? Manipulation?

Sending strength vibes to help you say you want to break with 'tradition', if that's what you do want. Good luck

Any chance you could go away somewhere completely different for xmas, just you and your partner?

Our local paper had an ad for booking Xmas meals last week so I suppose there will be people thinking about get together s. act quickly for a previous engagement. A stubborn refusal to go or discuss is worth it for your mental health.i had a relative who came and harmed Xmas for years until I decided my family came first and although full of guilt ( he was angry) we survived and so did he.

My father's oldest brother and sister had some sort of row around the time when they started work. No one evr knew what it was about, possibly she didn't feel he was pulling his weight helping to support the rest of the (large) family. They never spoke to each other again, although both lived into their late eighties. The uncle eventually moved 300 miles away and my aunt never attended family gatherings so the only time they met was at my grandmother's funeral - when they studiously ignored each other. The rest of the family just let them get on with it, to be honest some of the others were even odder!

We have booked Christmas lunch in a local hotel and I have no doubt the grandparents will pay the bill.
They are even trying to encourage you to book for boxing day.
We don't do that as we may want to go to a park or something a few miles away if it turns out nice.
We have never had trouble getting in to a restaurant that day but we keep something simple to cook in the freezer just in case.
What amazes me is the amount of food people buy for Christmas when the shops are only closed for 2 days.

Frank

It's not just the food they buy for Christmas Frank, it's the trolley loads they stock up with the minute the shops are open again !!! Where have they put it all ???

Brenda may I speak plainly.

You are an adult you do not have to do what your elder sister wishes if you don't want and certainly if the past comes to haunt you with your brother just do not do it.

Speak to your sister and say you prefer not to continue with the December get to gether but are happy to see her and your other sister at other times.

She'll ask why but just say it is something you prefer not to discuss as it only concerns you and your brother and you don't want to explain any further and leave it at that changing the subject.

Do not allow anyone to minipulate or control what you want to do in life stick to your guns.