My sons future marriage

I am afraid there is nothing you can do which won't jeopardise your relationship with your son. He must see something in her which you don't - does she make him happy? He might enjoy pampering her.
I hope you manage to avoid criticising her to him. Many of us have had similar situations and you just have to grin and bear it and hope it works out.

This does happen, jeanie. It happened in my family but luckily they didn't get married. A good thing came of the relationship in the form of my eldest GD. I bit my tongue on many occasions because my son, then only 20, might have turned against me if I had interfered. Now, of course, he shares my opinion of his former GF and is happily married to my very bright, friendly DiL. All I can say is that there is nothing to be gained by saying what you think and if there is a baby, well, look on the bright side: that will bring you a reward for your tact!

You can't choose who your children love I'm afraid and as the others say you have to bite your tongue and something good may yet come out of the marriage.

Some men like spoiling their women. If he has a good income he must be smart enough to earn it so hopefully he can see what this woman is really like. Give him some credit and wish him well...she may turn out to be a great wife who makes him very happy. Well, I hope so...

Our son is a clever man but he has no common sense and now in his late 30s I don't think he will change.

Yes she does make him happy but how long is that going to last. she is never statisfied with what she has.

My good friend last year had to go to her eldest sons wedding not being very happy at his choice.

So is this your son's first marriage?

How long have they been going out for?

Actually I don't suppose they do the "going out" thing these days. But you knowwhat I mean.

You are going to have to put a smile on it and try to be nice. Not easy I know. [sympathy cos I know what it's like] (mine got away in time though)

My grandmother did not approve of my mother she thought her flighty and racy because she was pretty and bubbly and wore make-up and went to Noel Coward plays.

My parents were devotedly married to each other for nearly 60 years and DF was uncomprehendingly proud of his beautiful, sociable wife who dressed so well and made him so proud to be with her. My mother in her turn loved my father for all the solidity and reliability he brought into her life. Her own father died in the WW1 and life was always somewhat precarious after that.

My grandmother never really revised her original opinion of my mother and because I shared a number of her characteristics never cared much for me either.

I'm afraid there is no harder role to play than that of mother in law. You cannot change your son's mind and if you try to you will only alienate him and his future wife. You need to keep smiling and bite your tongue. That way you will stay friends with them and should the worst happen you can be there for him ( without saying I told you so). We had this situation with my sister many years ago when she made a very bad choice of partner. We disliked him on sight and never changed our opinion. We kept quiet, were as nice as we could be and when it all went badly wrong she felt able to turn to us for help, advice and support.

Unless you swallow a lot of what you think about this woman you will become the MIL from hell to her and unfortunately you could loose your relationship with your son and any future grandchildren. I can sympathise with you, she does not sound ideal but she is his choice and you will have to learn to be tactful.

Unfortunately she has no redeeming characteristics, being well dressed and sociable isn't anywhere to be found unless she is getting something out of it.

Even her not working and being lazy you could tolerate if she had a really good personality and was nice to people but she isn't, doesn't have a caring bone in her body just thinks about herself.

She speaks to my son at times as though he's nothing and when she doesn't get her way storms off in a paddy and he as to humour her to get things back on track. He is an inteligent man and I do not understand it at all.

What a relationship and to think of all the nice girls he's met over the years and he chooses to marry this women.

They have known each other for two years and in all that time she as only cooked a meal once for us when we went down to stay for a few days.
On the other occassions when we have stayed she as cooked for them and we have had to cook our own meals or eat out.
My son just said they were on a special diet and there was plenty of food in the fridge and left it at that.
What type of women would not cook for her fiances parents.
I can't believe anyone would sit and have their meal and not cook for us I was astonished.

If anything she gets up peoples noses because she knows everything about everything.

There is nothing you can talk about that she dosesn't know better than you.

Honestly it goes on and on.
Our daughter and hubby say she's a know it all and would avoid her like the plague if it wasn't for her brother.

I worry so much about this situation I wish I didn't but when you are a mother you only ever want the best for your children.

On the day I'll play the part and not spoil it for anyone but inside I will be crying.

Oh jeanie99, you never ever stop worrying, I do know. But, if this woman is as unpleasant as all this and she has few on her side, your son may eventually 'see the light'. However, you will have to play the long game so that when he does need you the most you are still on the best of terms with him.
In the past I made the mistake of saying the wrong thing to daughter about a relationship and we had a, thankfully short term, estrangement. She tried to explain it by saying that deep down she knew I had been right to be worried, and that my concerns where justified but she just did not want to hear it from me.
We agreed to let it all pass and that we would not refer to it...there was to be no 'I told you so' and she was never going to fully confess to the mistakes she made.
We soon regained a good Mum-Daughter relationship. But I learned my lesson....keep quiet and just be there to love and comfort when its needed. You can't live their lives, and I know it hurts like hell to watch them take the wrong route, but you just have to hope that they will learn at some time. all the best, and just hang in there.

Even my mother worried about me starting to date my headmistresses daughter at 11 although her mother told me she was the best.
Later my mother said I certainly knew what I was doing when I dated her.

Frank

My MiL tried so hard to put her son off marrying me. She said I was fat and common. What a good job she did not get her way, we have been so happily married for 58 years next month. It may all turn out well, Jeanie99.

Jeanie I can't really add to the good advice you have already received, except to say - make sure you never put yourself in the wrong.
I know it's hard

When I met my DH he had been in a relationship for a few years with a girl my MIL really loved. (He was very young then). This girl left him for someone else and after a while he met me. I think to my MIL it was hate at first sight. I was 18, cripplingly shy, my upbringing was not good (violent abusive father, we never had holidays or mixed much with others). I had no idea how to interact with what I considered 'normal' people. So because I was so shy she took an instant dislike to me - she took my shyness as standoffishness (if that's a word). After my daughter
was born we had to live with her and FIL for a while and it was horrendous.
My FIL was sweet and kind to me always. She didn't come to our wedding and as she was quite a forceful woman, persuaded most of my DH's other family not to do so either. His sister was lovely and she and her husband came along - it was only a small register office do but I felt sorry for my DH. She didn't speak to us for a couple of years but gradually seemed to come around. Unfortunately she fell ill and died at quite a young age. We have now been married 44 years, so we did OK. I wish things could have been different. Maybe this girl is not as bad as you think. Have you ever sat with her and chatted over a coffee of something?

My own mother in law had genuine cause for concern when I married her son; I was a divorcee with three children and was ten years older than him. She made the decision that she would be supportive and has always been so, as a consequence she is at the heart of our family and beloved.
It isn't always possible for an onlooker (even a mum) to see the attraction between two people, but if your son is going to marry this woman can you not try to put aside your own feelings and give them your wholehearted support?

I'm touched by your story, KatyK. I am pleased, after 44 years of marriage, you feel you've 'done OK'.

Jeanie you have to take a back seat and not make waves otherwise you will be the one that is missing out. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you can not influence an adult son.

jeanie99 my youngest son gets married in September as everyone on GN knows and she is such a lovely hard working girl and I fell for her as soon as we met her she is so so good for him in many ways,my eldest son's partner however is very differant she is very hard to take to in many ways and it makes it very difficult as she is the daughter of my best friend when she first met my boy she used to come and stay for a long week-end on many occassions and not once even up this day has she ever said thank you for the hospitality never picked up a cup or offered to wash the dishes etc but he loves her and they are happy to-gether and have a nice home which they work hard for,if I fell out with this girl I know as sure as eggs are eggs we would not see any future DGCs on a regular basis or our darling boy so we go with the flow and keep our mouths firmly closed,if he is happy thats as much as I need to know.

Thank you Butty for you too

I echo harrigran's comment. Your son has made his choice. If I were in your shoes I would wish both your son and his future wife well.