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How to deal with mil need advice

(93 Posts)
Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:38:13

Hi I thought I'd come onto this site as I have noticed some dil have made postings so thought it may help!

I'm going to have to be straight to the point as it will be a long post sorry! Basically I find my mil hard to deal with. I think deep down she is a nice person but I'm not enjoying her company.

I have a 4 month old daughter. I exclusively breast feed its been hard but feel pretty proud I have managed to keep going. Well my mil doesn't listen to what I have to say and I just wanted to see if you have any good advice.

Basically my Dd has a bit of reflux and often beings up a bit of milk so after a feed she needs to sit in her chair as she doesn't like being held she wriggles a lot! So me and DH have a little routine and it often helps keep her milk down if she is sitting still for a bit after a feed. Mil just insists that she needs winding when I have already done it. She even by passes me and picks up my dd without even asking and tries to wind her I have asked her to leave my dd be as she is fine. She also tries to wake her when she is sleeping and when I ask her not to wake her I can tell she doesn't like it when I ask her not to do things and I know I ask nicely as my DH is present and he has reassured me I haven't been rude.

When my dd needs feeding I say right I'm off to feed her and my mil says she doesn't need feeding. I don't understand why she feels the need to say that I am wrong when I know she is due for a feed and dd is routing. I find her rude implying that I don't know what my dd wants. I'm very confident and know what my dd needs.

Mil has acted inappropriatly by mimiking breast feeding my baby whilst she is screaming her head off - this put me of her straight away. I thought she was extremely rude!

Mil constantly asks me about my finances, dd is going to nursery so mil asks very nosey questions about my money which had nothing to do with her

Mil shakes her head and pouts when she can't get her own way. One time I was holding my dd and having a lovely cuddle mil asks to hold her and I said not yet as I am enjoying my cuddle. I would have passed dd over but she got up and started shaking her head and rolling her eyes. I mean can't a mother just finish her cuddle?

How do I deal with her. i have told my dh that inam on a verge of blowing up. He said that hr would go and talk to her but i think it needs to come from me? do I start being straight with er and say I'm not discussing my finances with you then switch the kettle on?

Please tell me that this isn't normal mil and dil relationship? I'm a conscientious person I don't tread on anyone's toes and I don't ask person questions about other people's finances.

Our relationship was distant before I had my dd we just met at family meals and the was it. She does like to take over and I really don't like it sad

whenim64 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:59:34

Hi Bubble what a pain, just when you're all so thrilled with your baby. Yes, she is overstepping the mark, and sometimes the arrival of a new baby makes enthusiastic relatives assume the relationship has moved on a few notches, giving them permission to take liberties. Hopefully, things will settle down, but perhaps your DH could be a little bit more supportive and back you up?

She hasn't committed any crimes and it's something you can deal with. There's lots of grandparents who would jump through hoops to be able to see their new grandchildren, so please don't do anything drastic. Just be firm and assertive till she gets the message. If she adores the baby like you do, she'll fall into line and be as useful and protective as the majority of grandparents are.

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:03:39

Thanks whenim64 I just feel sorry for my DH as I have offloaded onto him as I have bit my tongue and its slowly building up. DH said that he will take to her.

I think in the meantime I will try to be assertive and frim until she gets the message.

Thanks for your advice

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:05:40

Sorry just noticed lots of typos! These touch phones can take some getting used to!

Bags Fri 12-Jul-13 22:06:09

In your shoes I think I would say "I want you to leave the baby in her chair" and I would move to get in the way of MiL to prevent her picking the baby up when I didn't want her to. I'd ask my husband to support me too and tell his mother to back off.

When your mil says the baby doesn't need feeding, try to ignore her and just carry on as if she hasn't spoken.

I wish you the very best of luck. I didn't have such interference to put up with, thankfully, but I would have bitten someone's head off if they'd tried stuff like that.

I stopped answering the phone to my own mother when she persisted in asking impertinent questions about my finances. It took that for her to get the message, and yet she would have been outraged (quite rightly) if I'd asked her the same questions. It was hard to do it, but it did get the message across and she doesn't do it now.

Good luck. It sounds as if you're doing great smile

Bags Fri 12-Jul-13 22:07:54

You could tell her she can hold the baby in a wee while when the meal has settled.

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:12:30

Thanks bags.

Good advice I will ignore the next time. She just gets my back up.

All my friends at mummy's group have lovely mils, I hope mine will get better

whenim64 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:21:00

Don't feel sorry for your DH, Bubble. His job is to listen to you and support you. Better him, than giving MIL both barrels when you've reached the end of your tether. If you need to breast feed your baby ten times a day, that's your prerogative - it's not for her to decide. Maybe she doesn't quite understand about breast feeding being more frequent when babies are stepping up their supply, having growth spurts and generally learning how to signal they need food and cuddles.

If my MIL had asked such intrusive questions, I would have repeatedly said 'no, sorry, DH and I have agreed to deal with our finances privately. I'm sure you'll understand.'

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:26:13

I just felt like I was putting DH in the middle but I'm sure he will understand

My mil breastfeed her two children so I thought she would understand a bit more - maybe she has forgotten

j08 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:26:37

hmm She probably hopes that her dil will get better too.

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:30:10

J08 confused

j08 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:31:05

You need to see things from her point of view. You are the young mother with the baby. She is probably feeling a bit has-been-ish, a nd yes, a little bit jealous too. She is only human. Try to be very grown-up and show her some tolerance and understanding. Take some of it on the chin. Smile and be nice to her.

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:38:00

J08 so you are saying its ok for her to ask intrusive questions about my money?

So it's ok to completely ignore my requests regarding my dd?

So it's ok to mimik breast feeding whilst my dd is screaming her head off I told her to stop but didnt

So it's ok to huff, shake her head at me and roll her eyes?

Actually no I can see it from her point of view tried like, that why I am on here.

By the way I have been nothing but patient with her - as I said in my post above that I feel like I have had enough. An at the end of the day I am only human and have feelings surely not all grandmas act like this?

By the way I am not a young mother

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:38:56

^^ typo actually no I can't see it from her point of view

whenim64 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:41:30

Bubble you can practice not rising to MIL's provocation using J08's off the wall post! She does it to annoy! grin

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:51:16

Whenim64 ha! Think I will be bypassing her comments

Just didnt make sense to me at all

Smile and be nice when someone is intrusive mmmm sure there must be a better way to deal with that - I'm sure I will get there in the end! smile

ps Fri 12-Jul-13 22:56:49

Bubble What a predicament to be placed in. From what you say I would suggest your husbands mother is overstepping the mark. She is obviously used to ruling the roost and possibly, with all due respect, a little self opinionated. I have heard that a lot of the older generation (of which I am one) think they know best whereas in reality the mother knows best, generally.
Your husband definitely needs to be supportive and perhaps more assertive but in saying that please try to do and say what you must in a tactful way as your mother in law possibly just needs to feel needed. You are obviously put out by her actions so the possibility of something being said that might later be regretted will be high but in saying that it is your daughter and you must be free to raise and care for her as you see fit.
I sincerely hope you and your husband find a way of resolving the matter, compromise will be needed, and I hope your mother in law finds it in herself to understand that you need to determine your daughters needs and see to her wellbeing in your way.
Good luck.

j08 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:57:06

I'm just trying to say that tolerance and understanding can sometimes save a bad situation from becoming a lot worse.

Take it or leave it.

Deedaa Fri 12-Jul-13 23:01:21

Bubble you are doing wonderfully well! Breastfeeding a first baby for four months is an achievement in itself and you seem to have a really close relationship with your baby. My daughter's first had a lot of trouble with reflux and it was a problem for a while. It is very annoying when people think they know more about what your baby needs than you do, but try not to fall out over it. Be pleasant but firm about what you are doing.
I don't think there's any need for her to know about your finances. I know very little about my children's money. They seem to be managing and that's all I need to know. Again I wouldn't be unpleasant about it, I'd just say that I was brought up not to discuss money.
Do enjoy your baby, they grow up so quickly flowers

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 23:04:53

Pa - thanks for your message I will try and approach her in a tactful way. Think I will have to think of how to approach her so I don't end up saying anything I regret

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 23:08:33

Deedaa - thanks. I need to work on my feelings so I don't let myself down by snapping back.

Comments have helped - I just need to be assertive and calm when I approach her.

annodomini Fri 12-Jul-13 23:22:00

Do't let this situation spoil the joy you obviously feel about your baby. Your MiL is jealous - that's quite clear. You have unloaded on us and I think all the other posters have told you all you needed to hear. Feel free to come back and unload whenever you feel frustrated. Just be assertive but cheerful with it. smile

Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 23:32:43

Thanks Annodomini I actually feel better and think I can approach her in a tactful way - I have just got to remain calm smile

flowerfriend Fri 12-Jul-13 23:34:47

MiLs should listen and learn. I am a MiL but I have also been a DiL. I feel such sympathy for you. Not that I experienced your exact problems. As a MiL, I would be thrilled that you are breastfeeding and that you have a routine to deal with your particular baby.

You and your partner and child are the most important parts of this moment in your life. Try not to be too stressed. I worked during many months of feeding my third child and I managed. You must focus solely on your baby and your partner and yourself. When you feel stronger and only then, can you be sensible enough to sort out other problems.

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 05:47:06

jings (aka j08, for Bubble's benefit), mils need to be tolerant and understanding too. More so than young mums, I'd say, because they have the benefit of experience and the wisdom of age (aye, right!) on their side. I really don't see why young mums should put up with annoying behaviour from anyone. It's the mil's job to recognise and deal with her own jealousy and the unacceptable behaviour it is engendering in her. I few sound bites (kick up the backside) or at least non-acceptance of the annoying behaviour might be just what she needs.

Go, bubble22 flowers