Gransnet forums


How to deal with mil need advice

(94 Posts)
Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:38:13

Hi I thought I'd come onto this site as I have noticed some dil have made postings so thought it may help!

I'm going to have to be straight to the point as it will be a long post sorry! Basically I find my mil hard to deal with. I think deep down she is a nice person but I'm not enjoying her company.

I have a 4 month old daughter. I exclusively breast feed its been hard but feel pretty proud I have managed to keep going. Well my mil doesn't listen to what I have to say and I just wanted to see if you have any good advice.

Basically my Dd has a bit of reflux and often beings up a bit of milk so after a feed she needs to sit in her chair as she doesn't like being held she wriggles a lot! So me and DH have a little routine and it often helps keep her milk down if she is sitting still for a bit after a feed. Mil just insists that she needs winding when I have already done it. She even by passes me and picks up my dd without even asking and tries to wind her I have asked her to leave my dd be as she is fine. She also tries to wake her when she is sleeping and when I ask her not to wake her I can tell she doesn't like it when I ask her not to do things and I know I ask nicely as my DH is present and he has reassured me I haven't been rude.

When my dd needs feeding I say right I'm off to feed her and my mil says she doesn't need feeding. I don't understand why she feels the need to say that I am wrong when I know she is due for a feed and dd is routing. I find her rude implying that I don't know what my dd wants. I'm very confident and know what my dd needs.

Mil has acted inappropriatly by mimiking breast feeding my baby whilst she is screaming her head off - this put me of her straight away. I thought she was extremely rude!

Mil constantly asks me about my finances, dd is going to nursery so mil asks very nosey questions about my money which had nothing to do with her

Mil shakes her head and pouts when she can't get her own way. One time I was holding my dd and having a lovely cuddle mil asks to hold her and I said not yet as I am enjoying my cuddle. I would have passed dd over but she got up and started shaking her head and rolling her eyes. I mean can't a mother just finish her cuddle?

How do I deal with her. i have told my dh that inam on a verge of blowing up. He said that hr would go and talk to her but i think it needs to come from me? do I start being straight with er and say I'm not discussing my finances with you then switch the kettle on?

Please tell me that this isn't normal mil and dil relationship? I'm a conscientious person I don't tread on anyone's toes and I don't ask person questions about other people's finances.

Our relationship was distant before I had my dd we just met at family meals and the was it. She does like to take over and I really don't like it sad

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 19:03:53

Chin up and keep smiling, bubblezz. Plenty of support here. You can come and snap here any time to let off steam flowers [chocs] smile

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 19:18:28

Jingle - I did not report your post. I don't really care what you say about me, but I don't like it when new members are not met with kindness and sensitivity.

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 19:21:27

My two daughters lived in adjoining houses and were both breast feeding. They both agreed that if the other were babysitting it would be all right to breastfeed their nephew if the baby was distressed. Nobody seemed to suffer from this arrangement. They would not have dreamed of doing it if the other sister had not agreed.

nanapug Sat 13-Jul-13 19:35:28

My MiL always used to say that anything that was good about my DDs was from their side of the family. Their looks, their intelligence, their musicality etc etc. It used to make me so angry. She also used to say things to her husband in a stage whisper, within my earshot, about what she felt I was doing wrong. I think MiLs think they have the right to be a pain. Grrrr....

shysal Sat 13-Jul-13 19:38:50

When I breast fed my daughters, mothers were encouraged to have regular feeding times every 4 hours. Nowadays I think feeding on demand is the norm. I did think to myself that my GCs seemed to be constantly on the breast and how time consuming and tiring it must be for DDs, but not once did I make a comment, it was none of my business!

I hope MIL gets the message soon. When your baby starts on solids, perhaps you could arm her with some Annabel Karmel recipes and ice cube trays and ask her to freeze you a supply of home made baby meals. It will keep her out of your hair and you may feel generous enough to let her feed your daughter to find her favourites. MIL will feel needed and you might eventually start to appreciate her.

Hang in there, you sound like a lovely Mum and DIL, trying to do your best for the whole family. flowers

Marelli Sat 13-Jul-13 19:44:11

Bubble22, as Bags has just said, you'll get so much support on here. Most of us have had mothers-in-law, and ARE mothers-in-law. So many of us know where you're coming from (and also where SHE may be coming from)! The baby is your baby, and you must make the decisions on how she is taken care of. My own mother did try and make comment on how I dealt with some issues, but got nowhere, because I didn't allow her any headway. My MiL left me to it, probably because she saw my mother wasn't getting anywhere!
Could it just be likely, though, that she's asking about your finances just to put her own mind at rest that all's well in that direction, and that you're not struggling now that the baby's here?
Please keep posting. smile

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 19:48:19

But please ignore the "Go Bubbles22 posted somewhere on here.

So bad! hmm

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:01:27

Whenim64 - yes I'm looking forward to getting to know the mummy's and getting more advice

Thanks everyone

Ana Sat 13-Jul-13 20:04:53

Who on earth reported jingl's post? Is 'spiteful' any worse than 'unpleasant', for goodness sake...? Unbelievable...

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 20:08:24

Well I didn't report it but, for the record it needed reporting and her comments to the OP were insensitive to say the least. I'm sick to death of how many times a new person posts on here and has to be spoken to in such a way. And, can I point out it's usually a new poster that does get that treatment from her.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:21:08


j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:21:32

It was obviously the Gransnet would be bully herself.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:21:55

I will not take it from her! She is ridiculous!

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:22:51

Oh dear !

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:23:45


Ana Sat 13-Jul-13 20:24:41

Not your fault, Bubble.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:26:20

Bubble22 we await more interesting contributions to Gransnet from you. I am sure we will not be disappointed.

Ana Sat 13-Jul-13 20:30:17

Tegan, for the record, I did actually make that point about one of jingl's posts recently, but it was suggested by someone that it would be better to ignore such posts and carry on giving out advice to the OP.

I notice that suggestion was not repeated on this thread.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:35:13

Someone point out to me EXACTLY what was wrong with the advice I gave to the OP. You owe me that much. (two posts)

And please do it before Casualty starts.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:37:16

Some people on here are hypocrites.

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 20:43:55

Your advice to the OP to be tolerant and understanding was good, jings. It's good advice to mothesr-in-law too.

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 20:45:34

Don't worry, bubblezz. Dear old j08 thrives on a good ole jangle or two on gransnet.

She'll swat me for that. You watch wink

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 20:46:37

'She probably hopes that her dil will get better too.'

Jingle, do you really need it explaining to you that the above comment was not 'good advice' but just pointlessly unpleasant? Perhaps it would be better if we got back to the OP and/or watched Casualty.
I do hope bubble22 has not let one member put her off us - it is very good to hear things from the DILs point of view.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:46:49

The mil is not here asking for advice.

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:49:04

That comment was quite likely the truth. Sometimes people need a little wake up call. Before things escalate.