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How to deal with mil need advice

(94 Posts)
Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:38:13

Hi I thought I'd come onto this site as I have noticed some dil have made postings so thought it may help!

I'm going to have to be straight to the point as it will be a long post sorry! Basically I find my mil hard to deal with. I think deep down she is a nice person but I'm not enjoying her company.

I have a 4 month old daughter. I exclusively breast feed its been hard but feel pretty proud I have managed to keep going. Well my mil doesn't listen to what I have to say and I just wanted to see if you have any good advice.

Basically my Dd has a bit of reflux and often beings up a bit of milk so after a feed she needs to sit in her chair as she doesn't like being held she wriggles a lot! So me and DH have a little routine and it often helps keep her milk down if she is sitting still for a bit after a feed. Mil just insists that she needs winding when I have already done it. She even by passes me and picks up my dd without even asking and tries to wind her I have asked her to leave my dd be as she is fine. She also tries to wake her when she is sleeping and when I ask her not to wake her I can tell she doesn't like it when I ask her not to do things and I know I ask nicely as my DH is present and he has reassured me I haven't been rude.

When my dd needs feeding I say right I'm off to feed her and my mil says she doesn't need feeding. I don't understand why she feels the need to say that I am wrong when I know she is due for a feed and dd is routing. I find her rude implying that I don't know what my dd wants. I'm very confident and know what my dd needs.

Mil has acted inappropriatly by mimiking breast feeding my baby whilst she is screaming her head off - this put me of her straight away. I thought she was extremely rude!

Mil constantly asks me about my finances, dd is going to nursery so mil asks very nosey questions about my money which had nothing to do with her

Mil shakes her head and pouts when she can't get her own way. One time I was holding my dd and having a lovely cuddle mil asks to hold her and I said not yet as I am enjoying my cuddle. I would have passed dd over but she got up and started shaking her head and rolling her eyes. I mean can't a mother just finish her cuddle?

How do I deal with her. i have told my dh that inam on a verge of blowing up. He said that hr would go and talk to her but i think it needs to come from me? do I start being straight with er and say I'm not discussing my finances with you then switch the kettle on?

Please tell me that this isn't normal mil and dil relationship? I'm a conscientious person I don't tread on anyone's toes and I don't ask person questions about other people's finances.

Our relationship was distant before I had my dd we just met at family meals and the was it. She does like to take over and I really don't like it sad

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:51:12

Anyone else? Tegan? 64? Elegran?

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:52:34

Bags. That is pathetic.

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 21:04:13

'Try to be very grown up..etc' How patronising is that [also pots calling kettles springs to mind]?

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 21:07:38

The thorns of eglantine. Hey ho.

gracesmum Sat 13-Jul-13 21:08:53

Bubble22 I hope you have gleaned something from all these replies (and ignored some of the other comments, which have very little to do with your predicament) Will you forgive me if I try to put just one tiny side of what your MIL might be feeling. You say she is "seeing" other family members in your DD - that's 100% normal Granny behaviour. She thinks her DGD is gorgeous so just give her another G&T and bask in knowing you and your DH have created the perfect baby. As to feeding - she may well be trying to be helpful although clearly getting it wrong. It hurts granny's ears as much to hear the baby crying as it does Mum's and she is not in a position to do anything about it. If you can, be patient, this is a new relationship for her too. I remember once DD came back when I had been babysitting little DGS - just a few months and he started to cry. According to DD it was too early for his feed (she's a "Routine" person - I was a demand-feeding Mum) and was getting a bit stressed so, with the best intentions, "I just said Oh go ahead and feed him if you want" to which she answered "Mum, he's MY baby and I will decide when he is fed" (!!!) Oops. Your hormones and nerves may be a bit raw at the moment, it is a momentous change in your life, but do try my advice - give her PLENTY to do!

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 21:09:03

It's not always easy to think in a mature way. A little gentle reminder is not a bad thing. Especially when it is a younger person asking advice of an older o e.

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 21:10:35

As I said before thanks for all your advice

J08 - you are obviously trying to entertain yourself so will leave you to it grin

To the others - dont worry harsh comments don't upset me and it certainly wouldnt put me off. I came on here for advice and I got it smile

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 21:13:31


Galen Sat 13-Jul-13 21:14:38

To go back to the op!
I ask my dd about her finances as I worry if she is ok and as I am in a situation to be able to help if necessary, I want to be able to do so!
My mother was quite well off but would not spend it! She kept it for when she was old!
When she died aged 88 we had to pay a lot on inheritance tax.
I remember she sent me £10 for my 60th birthday!hmm
I would rather leave nothing but know that I've helped my children when they need it most.
Perhaps your mil feels the same?

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 21:26:23

Galen - I see what you mean about the finances. It's the way mil asks, she asks me how much money I have left over after I have paid my bills. I do feel its quite an intrusive question to ask me. I think it's ok if my mother asks because she is my mother and I am very close to her.

I think it's because me and mil don't have a close relationship.

It will work out in the end. DH said that he would go and speak to her. I said not yet as its not a nice thing for DH to do so will wait and see how things go after being assertive ;)

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 21:29:49

You can give people presents of money, or help out with expensive things, or invest money for your grandkids without asking about their parents' personal finances.

Galen Sat 13-Jul-13 21:52:14

I do! But dd is quite happy about it and asks my advice about things like dgd's investments for which at the moment until she gets a fixed abode are in my name!
(The last house fell through when the vendor pulled out at the last moment, leaving them homeless! I do wish we had the Scottish system!)

Galen Sat 13-Jul-13 21:53:21

I don't ask details! I just say 'are you ok?'

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 22:04:20

That sounds ideal, galen. I didn't get the impression the questioning the OP disliked was quite the same.

Off to bed now moon

Galen Sat 13-Jul-13 22:19:40

And memoon meeting kids at slimbridge wild life trust at 9.30am it's an hours drive away!
I usually lie in til after the archers on a Sunday!
Mother love is an incredible thing!

Elegran Sat 13-Jul-13 22:25:22

If you can manage it, perhaps the next time she asks how much money you have left over after paying the bills, you could say "enough", and smile and tell her not to worry, you are OK, though you won't be ordering any solid gold teapots in the near future. Or something of that kind. Perhaps she does really worry about whether you have enough, and comes from a background where everyone is upfront about finances all the time.

I think you are right not to make a big fight of it. If you can keep it friendly you can sort it all out as you want it.

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 22:30:05

I have had to learn to bite my tongue. I have been a financial consultant, a conveyancer and a tax inspector, so I obviously know something about finance, house purchase, insurance, etc. but if my family don't ask my advice I don't volunteer it. However, I sometimes get asked to help sort things out when they go wrong! I am very popular with my SIL at the moment, as I was able to find a little publicised extra-statutory concession which came into force when they emigrated, and he is getting over £13,000 in a tax refund!

soop Sun 14-Jul-13 12:29:23

Tell you what, jings let's both get on our bikes. Nothing like a five minute work out to let off steam. wink