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Younger daughter relationship

(50 Posts)
lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 09:21:15

We are both on Facebook and Twitter as is one of her friends who I sometimes communicate with on non personal matters. Less than darling daughter has asked me not to have online conversations with her friend although the friend herself is quite happy to chat. I feel bullied into doing what my daughter (aged 28) asks. Do any other gransnetters communicate with their children's friends about non personal issues or am I really the odd one out here? Any advice welcome. Thanks.

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 09:24:27

My advice is to ignore your daughter's request. If her friend likes chatting to you and you to the friend, why is it your daughter's business? Unless you do it via your daughter's page.

Might be simpler if you became an FB friend of daughter's friend separately. It could be that it is because the conversations are via your daughter's page that she objects, though why is anyone's guess.

annodomini Mon 21-Oct-13 10:17:59

Why shouldn't your daughter's friend also be your friend?

Lona Mon 21-Oct-13 10:20:00

Sounds like a bit of insecurity on your dd's part. envy

kittylester Mon 21-Oct-13 10:22:35

Maybe DD's friend knows things about her that she would rather she didn't impart to you. thlsmile

lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 10:25:19

Thank you. I am continuing to talk to my daughter's friend privately on FB as my daughter cannot see those messages but no longer via Twitter.
Yes there is insecurity on her part, as she suffers from depression and severe anxiety exacerbated by my divorce from her father who 4 years ago came out as gay. But even before she was always very 'precious' about my talking with her friends, even when they came to visit us at home.

lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 10:27:26

kittylester - we don't talk about personal matters at all. Just discuss books (she is a writer) and articles that are of interest to us both, so there is no real reason for DD to object.

grannyactivist Mon 21-Oct-13 10:29:12

My daughter is very close to one of my dearest friends and their relationship is independent of me; something that I'm very happy about. My daughter has suggested to several of her friends that they talk to me about problem issues - and they have; something she's very happy about.

Your comment that you 'feel bullied' demonstrates that you don't think your daughter's attitude is right, so why give in to it?

lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 10:43:02

Why give in to it? To keep her happy I guess.

My older daughter (married, with a baby now herself so has a more mature attitude) is quite happy when I connect with her friends on FB threads, but I don't know them personally as I do my younger daughter's friend who sometimes stays at our home.

I have a number of friends myself who are of an age only a little older than my own two, so feel quite at ease talking with people of a younger generation.

grannyactivist Mon 21-Oct-13 10:49:44

Oh dear lucy. Should your daughter's 'happiness' come at your expense? I think we all 'keep the peace' at times and compromise is right and proper, but that doesn't seem to be what you've described here. You have been BULLIED and I honestly don't think it's in yours or your daughter's interest to give in to this. Confrontation is never nice, but sometimes necessary.

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 10:56:41

Well said, ga. Plus, it probably wouldn't keep her happy anyway. Anyone who worries about that kind of stuff is not going to be happy about other people's behaviour whatever they do.

However, it sounds as if you've done the sensible thing and now talk privately to your friend. Problem solved.

petallus Mon 21-Oct-13 11:31:53

I think you should definitely stop communicating with your daughter's friend if that is what she prefers.

Even worse to communicate secretly. What kind of friend would agree to it anyway?

Blurred boundaries!

Find your own friends.

Elegran Mon 21-Oct-13 11:45:53

She has found her own friend. The coincidence is that she is already her daughter's friend. You can't claim copyright on who talks to whom, and the daughter sounds excessively posessive to me. what will happen when the depression has been lifted? Will her mother have to mind her Ps and Qs for ever in case she gets possessive again? Living normally without the depression will involve learning to share people, not being exclusively clamped to them.

petra Mon 21-Oct-13 11:49:02

This is one of the reasons I don't go on FB. I am on it as my DD joined me up
( is that correct LOL ) I know me and I know that I would open my mouth about something and DD would hit the roof. Unfortunately I am one of those people who doesn't think before they open their mouth.

Elegran Mon 21-Oct-13 11:50:14

Lucy If your daughter finds out that you are communicating privately, she will be even more uptight about it. I would stop doing that pronto, and warn your mutual friend to stop.

Have you told her that you will in no circumstances discuss her with her friend? That you do not discuss personal things, just general conversation? That you do not dictate to her who it is she is talking to, and you would prefer it if she would not manage your life, as she would not like it if you managed hers?

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 12:03:37

What's wrong with communicating privately? That's what letters used to do, still do, unless the addressee chooses to share their contents.

But the daughter appears to be objecting to public general chat. That's a seriously screwed up attitude.

One way I judge these things is to ask myself if I would be within my rights to ask anyone to stop communicating with someone just because that someone happened to be my friend. The answer to that question is no. So no-one else is within their rights to ask it either.

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 12:06:28

I would continue to communicate with your friend, lucy, in the way or ways that suit you both best. The only change I would suggest (I did already) is to make the friend one of your FB friends, separately from your daughter.

Elegran Mon 21-Oct-13 12:07:51

Nothing wrong with it at all, Thatbags, but this daughter sounds super-sensitive, and her reaction to moving the chat from public to private will be explosive. Keeping it public would demonstrate that she has nothing to fear from it as she can read whatever is said and that her mother has a perfect right to correspond with whomever she wants.

Elegran Mon 21-Oct-13 12:10:01

It was not clear to me whether the chat was on daughter's FB page, friend's or mother's. You are right, making her a direct friend instead of going through the daughter could be better.

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 12:12:27

But how can it be kept public if the two do not communicate across the daughter's FB page?

Also, the threat, spoken or simply assumed, that the daughter's reaction will be explosive shows what a bullying position it is. Giving in to hyper-sensitivity is not going to help anyone. Essentially, it's saying if you do that I'll have a tantrum and then you'll be sorry.

It's none of the daughter's business who her mother communicates with!

thatbags Mon 21-Oct-13 12:14:27

Daughter doesn't need to know about private correspondence and if she finds out and "explodes", she needs to be told, as the saying goes "where to get off."

Elegran Mon 21-Oct-13 12:19:22

I agree. But she should be told that about the public correspondence before finding out (she is bound to find out somehow) that they may have been discussing her privately behind her back (as she will see it.) There is no point providing ammunition for a bully to whack you with while you still are gathering your strength to defend yourself against them.

lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 12:30:36

Thank you Thatbags. The friend has been one of my own FB friends for ages now. This all came to a head over a tweet rather than FB but DD's request was to stop tweeting her friend as well as FB.

I feel that it is not my daughter's business at all who I communicate with privately, just as it is not mine to know her private communications. That is why FB is good, in that it does allow one to have private conversations. Those between myself and each of my daughters are also kept private.

Her friend likes to talk about books and writing and it is something we have in common. It is a great shame that I have to do it privately simply because my daughter is unhappy that I talk with her friend.

I have plenty of friends (of my own age and younger) petallus. I don't NEED her friend, but we enjoy each other's company online.

Petra - I would also feel I might open my mouth on a public FB thread, but you can delete your posts LOL

Elegran - she already knows I don't discuss anything personal at all and that it s general conversation, as she has seen for herself on the posts that are public. The private ones are exactly the same, just not posted publicly because they would bore the pants off anyone no interested in our bookish discussions! Have you told her that you will in no circumstances discuss her with her friend? That you do not discuss personal things, just general conversation?

I guess I do need to have the conversation face to face with her that you suggest here: That you do not dictate to her who it is she is talking to, and you would prefer it if she would not manage your life, as she would not like it if you managed hers?,

It will no doubt lead to a row and I hate confrontation. She always like to feel she is in control of every situation.

lucyinthesky Mon 21-Oct-13 12:38:50

Elegran - the private FB messaging (conversations) cannot be seen by anyone else other than the participants.

Iam64 Mon 21-Oct-13 12:48:52

good luck with this one lucy, it's a delicate one to negotiate given your fears your daughter to explode. I agree, talk with her about it - it sounds as though the fb issue may have stuff underlying it