How much help should I give my daughter?

You sound like such a caring and thoughtful person, she is lucky to have you, it is up to you how much time you can spend and what you can do.

I was able to lend money (interest free) to both sons and their partners, in one case, for a deposit on the house and in the other to buy a car. In both cases they repaid the loans by regular standing order, without my asking them.

Gracesmum that is indeed a possibility. We would still have to get it to
Her 50 miles away and get back. Public transport doesn't do it direct.
I am bearing it in mind though.

As you are unable to drive at present Nellie could you lend your car as a stopgap?
We have helped 2 of our DD's with "loans" toweards deposits for their houses.( Eldest DD managed to start owning a house much earlier with her then partner and also has always earned a lot more than her sisters.) In principle I would like the money back and I know they know that as that more or less takes care of any savings I had ,but interest rates have been so risible I would rather they managed to get a lower rate of iterest on their mortgage. Sometimes I do wish I could "help" more!!

Not finished... I do really get the point about them needing to stand on their own two feet as well. But the car is an essential for DD to get to work.

We always kept a contingency fund in a savings account referred to as my "washing machine" account.

I am a little wary of asking them if they do something like that.

LucyintheSky I know what you mean about Loans in the family.
All you others thanks for the input; these sort of ideas and viewpoints from others helps.

I am hovering about making any other offers right now. We will take her car showroom hunting, when we go on Monday. I can't flipping drive at present since I had shoulder surgery. Which makes things extra difficult.

I think they have now done some reckoning and know what they could probably afford to pay PCM . I might boost what they can afford if it means getting the right model.

FlicketyB I completely agree - exactly how I have been with my children. I love them, I am available in a real crisis, but they need to do the same as we had to - stand on their own 2 feet.

I think our generation as a whole are far to indulgent towards our grown-up children. I am constantly astonished at the journeys some of my friends undertake every week to provide a day or two days childcare every week.

When I returned to my career, my youngest child was four. My parents and DH's parents saw arranging proper childcare as the responsibility of DH and myself. They didn't live close and they would have considered it outrageous for us to suggest they make long journeys each week to provide childcare. They were delighted to have the children stay with them for a week in the summer and would respond in a serious emergency. But thus far and no further.

Now I am a grandparent my views are little changed from theirs. I understand the stresses and strains that go with young children and two parents working because I have done it and DS and DDiL know that in an emergency I will be there. When DGS nursery went into receivership and closed without warning just after they had been paid a terms fees and had banked the cheque. I both rushed north to provide temporary childcare and offered help towards the finding the money to pay another term's fees immediately in order to get a new nursery place. But defunct cars are part and parcel of life's rich pattern so unless specifically asked for help for a good reason I expect them to sort themselves out.

I love my children and grand children and they know we are a sure haven in a storm, but I am not prepared to hold an umbrella over them every time it rains.

Just lost the long post I typed

Anyway from memory! - I guess we should give our kids whatever we can afford especially if they have no partner to help them.

I recently thought about drawing down some equity from my flat to help single DD2 buy a studio home of her own so she would have her inheritance now. The same sum (+ allowance for inflation) would then be willed to DD1 who already owns a home with her husband.

I then realised that if I need to go into a residential care or nursing home my flat would have to be sold to pay the costs and DD1 would not get anything at all.

I will not give to one and not the other, even if DD1 is atm better off financially than DD2. From bitter experience I saw what resentment there was after MiL favoured her younger son over her elder one (my ex) who needed help at times just as much as his brother did and got sxd all. I will not do that to my two daughters.

willsandco, I feel the same as you. They may as well have it now, rather than struggle. As you say, it's money that they won't inherit and it's better that you see them ok than worry about them doing without. And it's not luxuries that they're doing without - it's necessities. My eldest has never needed financial help from me, but my two younger ones have. They would have paid me back if they could, but they just weren't able to.

Lucy, we have just had the same problem with daughters car. I have bought her two cars over the last four years, albeit only second hand ones. She cannot afford them, she is a single mum with a 12 year old son. I always think that this is money she will not inherit and that is the way I deal with it. I cannot have her struggling. It always upsets me because I think she didn't ask to come in to the world, did she? - and she is a super daughter. I would go to the ends of the earth for her and the little lad.

Well the car is worth nothing without an MOT; could you pay for that as an early Christmas/birthday present which will give them a year to save up for a newer car or at least decide what to do. I'm afreaid that, once cars get to a certain age you just get into a Catch22 situation whereby you've paid so much to keep them going you feel obliged to get the use out of it.

Nelliemoser My younger daughter is often in the situation of having to find money (not having a partner to share costs with doesn't help) but I don't think in this case I would offer a loan of any sort as from past experience they just don't get paid back.GadaboutGran makes a good suggestion by asking if there is a way you can help, without specifying loaning any money., even if that is what you do decide to do at a later stage.

PS Thankyou. I keep my travel costs to the minimum by booking my train tickets abut 8 weeks in advance and I do tell DD that's when I'm back but she often forgets. Paper calendars are not used any more, dates are noted on their smartphones! It becomes quite irritating because then I find she may have double booked with her inlaws to come up from Wales (who i do get on with, fortunately)and there are lots of them so it's all a bit overwhelming and there isn't room for me to stay if they are there!

FB is how my eldest DD communicates more than any other way and I do have to say in its favour that being so far away from friends and family most of them use it too, (the others I stay in contact with via email) so we keep in very good contact and are able to post up to date news and pics (of DGS for instance) I do recommend it as it prevents a lot of loneliness too.

DD does use FB for support with DGS obv and I belong to an FB group for support for straight spouses whose husbands/wives are gay, which has been, and still is, a life-saver at times, much as Gransnet can be, too for other issues.

Thankfully DGS is already on the mend from latest bout of illness this week and DD has gone to Birmingham for a work conference today leaving him with his Dad. So, of course, I wasn't really needed after all this time!

Lucy you obviously do all you can by making the journey every month, the expense must be horrendous. Sadly we would all feel some degree of guilt when circumstances restrict us from doing all we can to help our children or grandchildren but our children do need to understand that being a parent carries with it certain responsibilities and restrictions. Hopefully your daughter will be in a position to call upon other avenues of help and assistance until such time as you can return on one of your scheduled trips.
I'm afraid I don't do facebook or other social media other than this forum so do not know why anyone would advertise their everyday problems to presumably the whole world unless of course it is meant for that purpose similar to an NHS helpline I am guessing, if there is such a thing.
Hopefully your grandson's problems will be addressed by his doctor soon and he will then enjoy a healthier happy existence. Good luck.

I would offer the means to a car by going down the inheritance route for the simple reason theres probably no funds available to pay back an interest free loan. If there was I think they would be looking at a new car already, or they'd pay the repair bill and nurse things along a wee while longer.

I would offer the interest free loan,Nelliemoser.

I'd either give them some time to work it out so they have chance to practise their skills or ask "Is there any way you would like us to help?" - then have a discussion or if you really have the money ask if she'd like some of her inheritance now rather than waiting - but take it out of whatever share she will have. Our DD & DS have very different fortunes so we help DD now within reason while she really needs it & I worried about the safety of the grandkids. I've had a think about what we did in our day - we had no financial, practical & little emotional help from either sets of parents & few nurseries so I only did work that was truly flexible in their first 3 years (I was still frowned on even for that); & there were more mums at home to help each other. As soon as I did a pt-time job they all went down with chicken pox so mainly me, but helped by Mr Gad, stayed at home until they recovered. Times have changed.

OK! My current "crisis" DDs 10 yr old car has just failed its MOT with an £800 repair bill. Even my DH would reckon that enough is probably enough on the spending good money after bad basis.

She should get some PX on it its not high mileage, but it seems to be costing a heck of a lot every year.

They are already a one car family. I know DD is virtually working to keep her experience up and paying the nursery fees. She is a nurse working shifts including nights at a hospital about 4 miles away. Which at least makes public transport very difficult indeed. She really does need a car ASAP.

I could afford to buy her a reasonable car but I wonder if I being too indulgent. DS is much better off and doesn't need this help.

I don't really know how much spare money they have each month.
Should I do this and try and arrange with them an interest free loan or what. I don't know quite how to deal with this. I don't sort of feel I want to bail them out of every disaster without them making some effort. AIBU in that thought. Suggestions please.

Coastwalker - I suppose I should feel grateful that she has so many FB 'friends' to support her but I guess I am a little jealous? So yes JessM there is something in what you say about wanting to feel useful too.

There's a great article in today's Independent that covers this situation about 'friends' btw http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/features/the-zuckerberg-guide-to-the-web-just-because-you-can-document-your-every-waking-moment-doesnt-mean-you-should-8927961.html

Is it guilt gracesmum or is it that we really want to feel useful and to take care of our kids?

I had the same problem as Gagagran - daughter 3 hours away was rushed into hospital and I dropped everything to go and look after the 2 year old and 5 week old. Both he and she have had health problems since then and I have spent a lot of time there. But he is now 5 months old and I they are fine and I am having to pull back a little and drop down to my regular once a month trip. It's hard but they do need to be independent.

I think now their support network is online and my daughter certainly has loads of FB friends with babies the same age which means she has instant advice and moral support when she is struggling.

It is really hard to get the balance right and I know if they lived nearer things would be different and we would certainly be looking after the boys a lot more. But it isn't and we have to get on with our own lives and let them cope.

I think we are shaped by our own experiences. I was extremely lucky in that my mum helped me a lot in bringing up my own children, and perhaps because of that I always knew I would help my daughter as much as I could. I would do more if it wasn't for the fact that I am still working, and hope to do more if I ever manage to retire. Of course, if you live at the other end of the country, or even in a different country altogether, it's not possible to drop everything and get there in a moment.

I truly believe 'it takes a village to raise a child'. The pressures of modern life have sadly removed that village in most cases.

well said Agus! I agree totally. We all brought up our own children without help [most of us] if it's a real emergency then yes, ride to the rescue but not otherwise, we are not enabling our daughters by doing too much for them; and people! We have lives ourselves.

My daughter and granddaughter- 15 months -live a five hour drive away, and even worse journey by train,so I sympathise.Daughter teaches 3 days a week and her DH is self employed , so illness is a problem. We can't help but feel their pain and anguish if we are the worrying type. I agree that many young mothers post their worries on forums and get support from their online friends, but don't always need us to drop everything and help out. I know that if there was no other solution my daughter certainly tell me! It is hard being so far away, but I tell myself that if I was still,working, I wouldn't be able to go anyway!!