The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

I think it is called 'psycho-babble' Eloethan

Babble being what infants utter.

Having read this thread, I am seeing strong parallels between this movement and the 'recovered memory' movement of the 80s and 90s, where parents were cut off or separated from their parents because their children claimed that after visiting a therapist they recalled horrendous sexual abuse that they had wiped from their memory. Many cut their parents out of their lives, other parents had to live with unproven accusations of sexual abuse that in many cases were later proved to be totally without foundation. But, as in this situation, because in one or two cases there had been abused, one or two parents have been 'poor' parents and are narcissistic, every parent is tarred by the same brush.

It was the same with the satanic abuse theories espoused by many Social workers at the same time.

It all sounds rather cultish. A 'guru' using an exotic name rather than her real, rather mundane, name and building up a movement of followers who slavishly apply her methods, find their parents guilty without any chance of defence and then cut them from their lives.

If you go on Mumsnet and see any mention of MIL that's when the real knives come out. Bitch! evil! etc, are some of the kindest words used. There is one Mumnetters whose answers are so predictable that as soon as I see her posts, I could write them myself. Her advice is always to go NC.
My MIL told me that she didn't want me to marry her son as soon as she found out we intended to. My DH would not take sides.
Had I have taken advice from MN, I would have immediately gone NC with her and accused my DH of FOG.
As it was, I just was polite and carried on, now I am a MIL myself I realise a lot of things.
What I decided to do is concentrate on my own life ( as in laws you can't do right for doing wrong anyway) and not get too embroiled with my children's and their wives and husbands lives. I don't want to become dependant on them for my emotional happiness. None of them are NC with me and we get on fine.
I try not too expect much from them, as you are expected to know nothing, don't disagree with any idea put forward by DCs or Dils or Sils and NEVER offer any advice of any kind, even when asked.
I want to enjoy the rest of my short life....without worrying about whether they like me or not. The same goes for GC.
I accept that I am not all that important to them.
I need to be travelling, going to Art Galleries, shopping, eating, seeing friends, listening to meaty debates etc etc.

My Dcs and DILS and Sils are doing exactly what they want to do without giving us much thought....so shouldn't that be what we should be doing? They are not being particularly selfish, as that is how it is, isn't it?
I love my DCs and GC dearly but I only have one life.

I feel so sorry for all those people who are NC or walk on eggshells around their children and their families.

But I think we should remember that the majority of grandparents have a loving and happy relationships with their AC and their families. My experience is of two families, both quite small, melding into one on the marriage of our DS and her DD. We love, respect and support each other.

Of course we do not all think alike on everything, but then neither do DH and I and we have been happy together for nearly 50 years.

I'm the wife of a man who has cut his mother out of his life. I don't think she was physically abusive. Emotionally, absolutely.
I've seen it, heard it and read it. Once she embarrassed him that much with the constant put downs when we came home he cried.

Of course, if you ask her it's my fault. I'm controlling. It was fine till I came along. She doesn't know what she's done to deserve it.

She does know. She absolutely knows but doesn't tell people that bit or the bit about the malicious emails she sent or that she lied about having cancer. Those bits go unmentioned.

On the face of it, it's a tragic tale of a son who had a great relationship with his mother until a controlling woman came along, stole him, got pregnant, made it difficult for her to see her grandchild and cut her out for no reason other than jealousy.

No. If you dig deeper, theres a man who has been emotionally abused by his mom for his entire life. Controlled and put down. If her needs and wants wasn't priority she would guilt trip him, sulk and cry. If he made a decision she didn't agree with, she would drip in his ear until he went with her idea. All done with the most care in the world. Then I came along. I didn't follow suit. It caused problems. Then I fell pregnant, it got worse. It went on for a number of years untill she shot herself in the foot, then it did get worse. The threats, the abuse, the airing it all over social media the bit she chose to share.

This then prompted DH to talk about his childhood. I've cried for him.
We have Children. Do we let a person like that around children? No of course not. They are not pawns in a game. I am not playing a game. We are keeping ourselves away from abuse.

Of course, this is my side. As a wife who has had to witness it all. There are 2 sides to estrangement. This isn't everyone, This is what I've had to witness. Her version though, is very different.

I totally agree with the last part of janeayressister's post.The best way to behave towards our ACs and their partners is to accept that they have their lives and we have ours. There may be many times we don't agree with their lifestyle, child rearing methods etc but the best thing is to let them get on with it. And ... get on with our own lives (which our ACs may not approve of either ). Don't make your GCs your hobby... get a proper one to fill your life.

I agree willsmadnan, we do have our own lives as do our AC but living them to the full doesn't happen when you deliberately and callously cut family members out who can enrich not only your life but the lives of your children.

When there is no justification for doing so, other than the spite and vindictiveness of those doing the CO which doesn't appear to be the case for Violetfloss, the negative repercussions for all concerned cannot be underestimated.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for 5 years, haven't seen our eldest GC since he was 8 months old and have never seen the youngest. A recent visit to his GM who our ES hadn't had any contact with for at least 18 months, demonstrated his total detachment from reality. He told his GM that they hadn't had a decent nights' sleep for 5 years because of a lack of family support. No, not a lack of support, the lack of his family because he chose to cut them out.

Being a GP isn't a hobby and when you are denied your GC there's nothing in this world that can fill the void their absence in your life creates.

'He told his GM that they hadn't had a decent nights' sleep for 5 years because of a lack of family support.'

It doesn't make sense. I would rather stay awake for the 5 years than let her anywhere near my child. I'd slap on a smile too and not let on I was suffering.

If you was some sort of Ogre, he wouldn't of wanted your help, or let you anywhere near the child. You had obviously given him 'family support' as he noticed when it was took away.

He slipped up abit there didn't he.

Cult or no cult there will always be situations where someones behaviour is unacceptable and cutting yourself off is the only answer, similarly people will be cut of - and not just grandparents.

The father of a friend's 2 DGC walked out when the eldest was 2, and in they haven't seen him once in the 10 years since he left. When he left, all his family decided to blank out his wife and his children. They live locally. The children saw their GPs and aunts regularly in the local supermarket but they would ignore the children, even when the children ran up to speak to them.

Shopping elsewhere is a simple solution. Explaining to small children why their father's previously loving family no longer want to know them is a lot more difficult.

That is so cruel MOnica hard to believe adults can treat children that way. Although on reading some threads on GN about this I don't know why I am shocked

Yes Violetfloss he did slip up with that one didn't he.

That really is shocking MOnica. I wonder what the parents who refuse to allow loving GP's and other family members to see their children, offer them as an explanation.

Using children as weapons is unforgivable regardless of who is doing so.

You sound like the d.i.l from hell Violetfloss very easy to read between the lines. For your poor suffering H & his loving Mother and the poor GC denied her love

willsmadnan I take from your post you are not estranged, no understanding what-so-ever!

Monica I don't believe your story re the paternal GP & all his side of the family ignoring their beautiful GC in the supermarket, that is just observed!

Smileless good post as always

Bless you for trying Yogagirl. You've made me laugh.

I would love to know how many loving mothers send abusive emails, lie about having Cancer and degrade their adult child in a room full of family so much he's reduced to tears. I must be doing it all wrong.

I'll just throw my innocent children at her shall I, see if she can cause as much emotional damage to them, as she did to their father.

willsmadnan what you say is true ...but I wonder if you are assuming that if someone is estranged from their AC they must have NOT done as you say ...I think that apparent assumption is incorrect!!

Well said Madgran x

Violet I would say a d.i.l twisting everything her husband's loving Mother has to say to him, would bring him to tears, him seeing what the future held for him & his Mother, with your input, with your wedge getting bigger & bigger!

the thought of holidays without her being there would have been unthinkable even though she would spoil it if she could.
How is it beneficial for children to have contact with a grandparent who is like this?

Later on the children's view was - when she got older they both said if we had her to live with us they would leave home.

No Contact may be going overboard now, but sometimes there's good reason for it.

Yogagirl do you read the same posts as me?
It would seem that in your world, every mother or Mil is absolutely perfect and all in laws evil in clothing.
This is not so, good and bad in every generation. I realise you are so biased but please do not tar everyone with the same brush.
You know of your situation but you cannot possibly know about Violet's so please do not be so hasty to judge her.

I had not read Farnorth s post when I posted that.

Her quotes from the first page are mine and every word is true.
My mother lived to a huge age and I supported her in every way as I was all she had except have her to live with us.
If I thought of how she tried to run all our lives and her extreme jealousy of us all I would weep, but I don't even stop to think ,my life and that of my children is now better and we are free.

Yogagirl, what on earth are you talking about?

Lying about having Cancer? Sending malicous emails? Degrading him? Making him cry? Calling him a failure? Putting him down all the time? Making his life difficult? Wanting money off him? Then blaming him for her behaviour?

If that was a relationship between a man and a woman, it would of been called an abusive relationship and would of been told to leave.
Just because it's between a mother and an adult child doesn't make it any different.

Sweeping under the rug she lied about having Cancer is mind blowing. That mentality isn't normal, to have someone like that around kids is irresponsible paretnting. Heaven forbid we had tell the kids.

annsixty, you didn't answer my question on how it benefitted your children to have contact with your mother.

I would certainly not have included her in holidays (eg Xmas) if I knew she would try to spoil it.

It benefited me Farnorth as I could and would never leave my Mother on her own at Christmas, Easter, any holiday.
My conscience would never let me.
We just accepted that she was our family and our responsibility. As soon as my C could go out to friends for the evening or during the day they did.
We only took her away on holiday once and my H said never again.

That is very sad, ann, to think of your DC disliking family occasions so much, because of your mother.

It was but it was a small part of family life.We never invited her to birthdays or special occasions apart from their weddings as she would sulked not to be the centre of attention.
When I had cancer she said " oh everybody gets over that now" and didn't mention it again.
When I eventually visited her in her RH the staff asked why I hadn't been visiting, she had never told them.

My AC tell people I'm dead(or certainly did before cutting off all contact with me some 6 years ago). Knowing that after being brought up exclusively by me, with no financial, moral or any other kind of support from their father with whom they live/lived at last point of contact fills me these days with an unholy sense of glee. He is far older and therefore likely to die before me, leaving them homeless as well as jobless. Did I mention that they can't be bothered to work for minimum wage when that, frankly is MORE than they are worth? I shall take such great pleasure in opening the door if they ever come begging, saying that since I am dead, I cannot possibly help. I don't think there is a law that insists I have to?

Oh, Yogagirl, how you hate and deny any evidence that conflicts with your own narrow world view.

I don't believe your story re the paternal GP & all his side of the family ignoring their beautiful GC in the supermarket, that is just observed!

Well, of course it was observed, how else would their mother have known it had happened, if she hadn't been there to see it happen, and the bit you carefully missed out, her children asking why their grandparents and aunts would have nothing to do with them.

In ordinary everyday life we meet people who are nice, nasty, manipulative, self centred, kind, generous etc etc. The vast majority are part of family networks and take those virtues and vices into their family relationships. It is inevitable that there will be family relationships that fail and anyone in that family nexus can be responsible for this; parents, grandparents, children, aunts, you name a relationship and someone with that relationship to a another family member will have b*ggered it up.

So Yogagirl you need to accept that family relationships can be shattered by anyone in the family nexus, for good reason, bad reason or no reason at all.

As willsmadnan says; Don't make your GCs your hobby... get a proper one to fill your life. It sounds hard but if you are estranged, it is probably the best advice.