I have 3 DD and would appreciate some advice about DD1.
She had a good relationship with me and DH and her sisters growing up. After school she wasn't sure about going to uni so we supported her in taking a cookery qualification, but she subsequently decided to go to uni, where she met her current partner, whom she met in the 2nd year. It was clear that she was very keen on him and she dropped her long standing boyfriend from home to be with him.
We invited the new boyfriend to stay and indeed he came to stay on a number of occasions, usually for up to a week as his family home is at the other end of the country. He seemed quite shy in that he didn't really engage with anyone else in the family, and not very polite in some respects, never offered to say clear the table, or say thank you for having me after the first couple of times. But he was doing very well in his engineering degree, he and DD1 seemed happy and his family sounded nice.
Towards the end of DD1's final year, she said that her boyfriend was being given 35 thousand pounds by his grandparents and had about another 4 in savings, so wanted to buy a house with her and could we give her the money. I wanted to help her so took money out of my pension fund and said that I would let her have the money, but it would have to be expressed to be a loan in order to protect the position if they split up or if anything happened to her. I also had in mind that I had to be fair to all of the girls and it wouldn't be fair to make an outright gift just to one of them.
I then began to observe other aspects of the boyfriend's behaviour which caused concern. I won't set them all out as the thread would be too long, but basically apart from being rude, he was exhibiting signs of controlling behaviour. For example, he didn't want my DD to go on a holiday which she had already booked and paid for (I'm pleased to say she did go), was ordering around the other tenants in the house DD rented (he was doing a year in industry by then so wasn't himself a tenant), ignoring DD on occasions - one time he insisted on a face to face meeting after some disagreement, which involved her driving a 200 mile round trip. He also quit his job early and destroyed all his electronic files on the way out, along with sending his employer a rude message.
However, alarm bells really started to sound over the house. He didn't want to have a survey done, despite the house being bought at a cheap price and the agent saying there was something wing with the roof. He was resistant to any Deed of Trust, insisting that the house belonged solely to him and DD, and flatly refused to have any searches carried out.
I was worried about DD, especially as she had been in a relationship, albeit short lived, a few years earlier, which she subsequently told me was abusive. The final straw came when my other DDs came to me one day when he was staying, to say that they were worried about their sister as there had been row and she had been heard sobbing for most of the morning.
I am afraid that protective mother went into overdrive, i asked him to leave, at first nicely, by which time DD had run into the bathroom and locked herself in. He insisted that he had to speak to her before he left. I then lost it, I am afraid to say, told him he was controlling, not good enough fo my DD, nobody liked him and i wanted him out of my house. I went away for about 15 minutes, came back and he was still there and DD still locked in the bathroom. I said if he din't leave immediately i would call the police, so eventually he did, giving me a horrible glare on the way out.
DD came out of the bathroom, was in a terrible state, i and my sisters tried to calm her down. She did calm down after a while and then went after him. They went to his parents who agreed to provide the money which i was going to provide, as a loan, with a view to selling at a profit which would be shared, after a couple of years.
DD was upset but ame home a while later to work on her dissertation, obviously still loved us. I explained that i was just trying to protect her. She wanted me and boyfriend to be friends. I apologised to her and to him, although he just ignored attempts to contact him. We met as a family with him at DDs graduation a few months later and it was a bit awkward but we all managed. I also offered her the money for the house to buy out his parents, just as a gift, but she spoke to him and he said no, and i thought fair enough.
DD came to visit a few times after that a couple of times with boyfriend and i was super nice to him, said sorry a few times and hoped we were ok and he said we were.
Then after about 18 months he said his father wanted his money out of the house and looked at me. I didn't respond. I actually didn't have the money any longer anyway, but was worried it might cause more problems.
Anyway since then DD has become more and more distant. Last year she cut us off abruptly for 6 months and now just sends an occasional email if we are lucky. Sh effectively ghosted us for 6 oaths immediately after we had visited her ( the city where the house was, boyfriend did' meet us, and obviously we weren't invited to the house so stayed in a hotel). But she told us how much she loved us then just cut us off. Not just me but all of us. She hasn't had any contact with one of her sisters for nearly two years. They sold the house and have bought another one, but she won't give us her address.
She and I were close after the incident. She said I was her best friend and her role model, that she wished she could attach her house to mine. But she seems to have gone from that to being more and more resentful, says that i let her down by leaving them in the lurch at the last moment, that her boyfriend and her dog are her family now, that we have never welcomed boyfriend, that they come as a package, she will not see us without him, and he won't see us until we 'see her right', from which I infer they want money.
Neither of them have worked for the last few years and, so far as i can work out, have no intention of doing so. DD has said that they don't want to be 'wage slaves' or 'mortgage monkeys', that they are not like other people.
I find it hard to express the anguish of that 6 months without her and even now I feel that it is all hanging by a thread.
I would welcome any advice or wisdom from any GNers, as i know from reading some of the threads that some are in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking to be shunned by those you love so much.
Apologies for such a long post, which is my first on GN.
Transformed - recent changes
Worried - family bereavement
Too old? - lost dreams