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In laws furious we are moving

(90 Posts)
Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:41:41

Looking for advice... We’ve recently told my in laws we’ve decided to move abroad and they are furious. They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too. We’re moving abroad for my job and my FIL has yelled and yelled that we’re not doing the right thing and putting my work ahead of everything else. He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me). Until this all happened I had a good relationship with my in-laws, they’re quite over bearing but nothing I couldn’t handle happily enough. My husband is understandably very angry at his Dad (yhis Mum has been nicer but could have been more supportive too) and I’m just devastated there is such a family strain. We leave in seven weeks and I know things won’t get better unless they’re fixed before our move (we told them four months before our move, as soon as we knew). I can barely look at my FIL given his behaviour and know he won’t apologise. My husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation with them again but I suspect he’d regret that in years to come, I’ve tried to convince my husband to speak to his parents but he’ll only do so if they apologise. I think this is a lost cause but any advice? Thank you!!!

NfkDumpling Wed 05-Dec-18 14:53:56

Its your life and I’m sure you’ve both gone into the pros and cons in detail and much angst. If your FiL can’t understand this, that’s his problem. Is it a long way abroad? My DS nearly left for the USA but plans fell through at the last minute. Of course I’d have missed them all terribly but there’s skype and phones and WhatsApp, etc. It’s not like 200 years ago when an offspring would vanish off into the wide blue yonder and the parents would be left wondering for months and years if they’d arrived safely.

(I’d just started to look forward to lots of cheap holidays!)

Daddima Wed 05-Dec-18 14:55:07

Let it be for a wee while. Hopefully they’ll realise that keeping in contact will be the best way to keep up a relationship with you all, hopefully your husband will too. Are you moving somewhere nice, so you could arrange a visit for soon after you move?

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:56:56

It’s a 12 hour flight away. I live abroad from my family in Aus so can’t understand the extreme reaction. My family would love for us to live in Aus but happily support our decisions not to.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:57:43

They refuse to commit to a visit, for now anyway.

stella1949 Wed 05-Dec-18 14:59:53

Look, I don't agree with your FIL's behaviour, but I do understand where they are coming from.

As grandparents, our little grandchildren are very precious to us - it's like a wonderful gift that is given to us to cherish and love. You say they are close to your little boy - no doubt they love him dearly. And all they can see is that you have decided to put your job before the relationship they have with your child. You are taking him away from them, and they are upset. Obviously that upset has been expressed badly, but I suspect that this is what they are feeling.

I know how they feel - my daughter and her husband are moving away next month and taking my precious grandchildren far away. Our closeness will never be the same again and I'm heartbroken. I'm not acting out like your FIL is, but inside I'm shattered. Maybe he is too, thinking of how much they are going to miss the little boy.

My suggestion would be - cut them some slack. Instead of waiting for an apology, try having a good talk to both your inlaws about the move. Show them some sympathy . It won't hurt you to do that, and it might help to heal the situation. Talk about how you can all Skype each other, send little messages and pictures to your son, and visit sometimes.

As grandparents we are totally powerless when it comes to our grandchildren - they are not ours but we love and cherish them. If you can see how your in-laws feel, it may go some way to smoothing this over.

Scribbles Wed 05-Dec-18 15:09:44

It's your life and you should live it with your husband and son, in the way you feel is right for the three of you.

Your FiL is behaving appallingly and, to the best of your ability, you should ignore him and look forward to your new life. I appreciate that your OH may have regrets over the rift with his parents but, in time, maybe he can be persuaded to make contact with them and explain that, if a sincere apology is received and if FiL accepts he has no right to dictate to you how and where you live, then maybe a tentative relationship can be resumed and maybe your son can get to know his grandparents on Skype with eventual visits to look forward to. Certainly, your FiL is not setting any great example for your son to follow at present if he thinks shouting and yelling and throwing a tantrum will get him what he wants. (Who is he? Donald Trump?)

Good luck with the move and with your new life. I hope things work out well for you.

BlueBelle Wed 05-Dec-18 15:37:56

Of course you must go where ever you need to, you are not having children to entertaine the past generation you must live life as you and your husband see fit It is not acceptable for any parent or parent in law to get angry or upset to your face if they cry into their pillow afterwards that’s acceptable but not to have a go at you for making your future outside their back yard
I whizzed off to the Far East at 20 for a few years I now have a son in NZ for the past 22 years a daughter in Europe for 17 years and another daughter who was overseas for 12 years but is now back
Make your life where you believe is best They will visit when the anger has calmed down He obviously is thoroughly angry because he can’t control you and your life and no I wouldn’t try placating him at all he’s stamping his feet don’t play into it He’s a control freak and angry you’re not playing it his way

notanan2 Wed 05-Dec-18 15:40:41

Theyve shown their true colours which IMO would make it easier not harder to leave them..

Luckygirl Wed 05-Dec-18 15:49:57

I can understand that they might be upset - I have a very close relationship with 4 of my GC because they are local, and that is very precious to me, particularly so because my home circumstances are difficult - they lift my spirits so much.

So, it is hard for GPs who have formed a close bond to see them swept away and that happy relationship broken (at least in its current form). I think they are entitled to be upset (I am sure you predicted that); but the fact that FIL has expressed himself so angrily is very hard for you all. I wonder is MIL is behind the scenes very upset and he cannot handle this, so is taking it out on you.

Waiting on apologies tends to be a bit of a dead-end, so if you really want to try and unlock this, I wonder if you might write them a letter, telling time your reasons for accepting this new job; and also making it clear that you do understand how difficult it is for them. Then outline some of the ways that you would like to use to keep in touch and keep their relationship with your child alive as far as possible.

I am sorry that this is marring your new adventure in life and hope that you can find a way forward.

Luckygirl Wed 05-Dec-18 15:50:47

"telling them" -

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 15:52:08

Thanks Scribbles - it does feel very Trump-esque! smile

And thanks for your perspective too stella1949, which I very much appreciate. We’ve tried all of those things I’m afraid, with genuine sympathy, it only resulted in my FIL yelling again which is why we’re in the current stalemate. I hope your grandchildren’s move still provides lots of happy times for you.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 15:53:57

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate the replies.

Baggs Wed 05-Dec-18 16:32:48

I can understand the upset feelings but not the angry shouting, which is absolutely outrageous. They are adults behaving like spoiled brats.

I would let them stew in their own juice for a while. Send them xmas and birthday cards and newsy letters about your new life and see how they respond. At present they are cutting off their own noses, the silly beggars.

Nanabilly Wed 05-Dec-18 17:22:50

They are scared and upset and having a panic .. Just how I would be if I found out my gc were moving away in a few weeks time and not knowing when you will see them again
They are scared of their heartache and missing them ..
Of not having them in their lives...
In time they may come round but don't be surprised if they stay right away from you as they may be thinking it's best to get used to not having them in their lives from now. Hopefully you will all find a way of keeping in touch when things calm down ..

EllanVannin Wed 05-Dec-18 17:51:36

As parents we have to brace ourselves for any eventuality that comes along and never get in the way of the futures of our children. Same goes for GC too. I have lived by this and it came in handy when my D1 emigrated after she married. I've visited 5 times over the years but for health reasons can't now do long-haul flights. I knew this day would come but I've learnt to accept it. My D1 and her H will be over here next June on a visit and I know it'll hurt when they leave but as I've already said, I'll brace myself.

absent Wed 05-Dec-18 18:02:13

I wonder if your father-in-law would be quite so angry if your family were moving abroad because of your husband's job rather than yours.

Izabella Wed 05-Dec-18 19:29:42

Good question absent

I agree with others that this behaviour is controlling, bullying and childish. Confuseddil jus get on with the packing and shipping arrangements and fly away to your future lives together. I wish you well.

Telly Wed 05-Dec-18 19:44:51

They're hurt and angry but their reaction is extreme. I imagine that they didn't see this coming. I think the only thing you can do is give them time. It is very sad it has come to this but I don't think your FiL is going to come round soon. You sound like a calm, caring person so hopefully bridges will be mended.

oldbatty Wed 05-Dec-18 19:52:41

What the hell was a grown man doing shouting at you?

BlueBelle Wed 05-Dec-18 20:09:05

People need to understand that love means letting go sometimes Love doesn’t mean tie them in to you tightly It’s a privilege to spend time with grandchildren if that changes you have to suck it up and accept it you canNOT keep them in a cage I m the softest person you could meet but you have to be tough with yourself and learn to accept what ever they want to do You have had your time to make choices for your own children now it’s their turn
Don’t let your father in law bully you
Good luck

crazyH Wed 05-Dec-18 20:20:54

Good luck Confusedd.i.l. on your new adventure. Your f.i.l. has reacted extremely.....sadness, I can understand...anger, no. I am already dreading my 2 oldest GC, going to University. I, along with the other GPs practically brought them up because their parents are working. As a matter of fact, they are right now spending the week with me because my daughter is away with work.
You are a sweet girl to be worrying about your inlaws' feelings. Your husband would react exactly as my sons' would. But tell him to calm's not worth losing his relationship with his father. He sounds like one of my sons, who gets quite annoyed at the slightest of things. "Calm down dear"'re probably too young to remember Michael Winner' famous phrase.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 21:00:56

Thanks everyone, very much agree it’s a sad extreme reaction. The sadness I understand completely, the anger doesn’t seem fair. @Absent - I have wondered the same question and truly think the reaction would be less if it were my husband’s job, which is frustrating but alas...

SueDonim Wed 05-Dec-18 23:07:08

The IL's will be upset, naturally, but I suspect the anger comes from your FIL having no control over the situation. He needs to understand that though how you make him see sense, I confess, I don't know.

Both my sons and their families live a long way away, one in the US, one at the other end of the UK. It is what it is and I appreciate the time we do have together, especially the US family, as we get to spend two or three weeks a year with them, which in fact over the year can equal more time together than some local families who only see their GC for half an hour every few weeks!

I hope you manage to get to a calmer place with this but you must do what is best for your own family. Good luck.

crazyH Wed 05-Dec-18 23:43:25

You're probably right SueDonim. Some of us GPs get to see our 'local' gc once every fortnight (in my case)....used to be every week ..the gap is widening, for reasons best left unsaid.

Pythagorus Thu 06-Dec-18 06:28:10

You did not say how your parents are reacting to this news.
Actually, I can’t imagine any parents been delighted that their children and grandchildren are going abroad to live.
But there is Skype and one can visit.
There are grandparents whose children and grandchildren live in the same town and they don’t see each other much , if at all. Nothing is good or bad’s thinking that makes it so ...... Families are so very different. We have to let our children live their lives, even when they are a very important part of our lives. As my son often tells me, It’s not all about you mum!

Grammaretto Thu 06-Dec-18 07:04:43

It is a shock and people react in different ways. Did FiL have a problem with his own parents perhaps? Maybe he thinks if he can turn it against you, he'll be able to bear the loss better.
Is it a forever move?
When DS emigrated to 12 yrs ago, they said it might not be forever.
I think it is but it was a comfort and we have visited several times and they've been back. We speak several times a week on WhatsApp.
We are so pleased that they're living their dream.
Can you write them a letter explaining how it feels to you.
Good luck with it all and enjoy the new adventure.

absent Thu 06-Dec-18 07:11:55

The angry man is your husband's father and I think he needs to try to talk to his Dad. It's not your sole responsibility to sort out this unhappiness. I may be very wrong but in my experience men often try to back out of emotional situations and expect the women in their lives to put things right. For want of a better expression, he should "man up".

LiveLaughLaove Thu 06-Dec-18 07:55:30

"...He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me)....." - pack your bags, jump on the first plane and enjoy your best life - guilt free- . I'd be extremely unsympathetic to anyone who lashed out at me and told me something so selfish. Not his nuclear family, not his business to have any say in what you and your husband decide is best for your family and your children. I hope he genuinely apologizes in the 7 weeks that he has left for his pouting and childish tantrums won't change a thing. All the best!

Anja Thu 06-Dec-18 08:03:39

I hope your FiL has the sense to apologise and build bridges before you go. Personally I’d take your MiL out for coffee and cake and talk too her. She will be pretty upset by all this too, but her feelings are getting lost in FiL’s temper tantrums.

I wish you all the best in your new job

holdingontometeeth Thu 06-Dec-18 09:56:03

Do what is best for you and your family.
Your FIL sounds like a Bigot.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Dec-18 09:58:14

We moved to Holland when our daughter was 4 months old. My parents were supportive although devastated but made up their minds they would come over whenever they could. We also spent 3 weeks holiday with them camping every year and came home for Christmas. They had a very good relationship with both our children.

You do not have children to provide your parents with grandchildren. They have had their time. I see my grandchildren every three months or so but they really look forward to it and we have a great time.

Just leave them alone for a while and let them cool off. Maybe they will realise that they are so much better being supportive.

Theoddbird Thu 06-Dec-18 09:59:48

His reaction is because his heart is breaking.... Do not be angry at him...try and understand his hurt. I work on a USAF facility and I see the breakup of families a lot because of work moving people around the world. I took my own children away from their grandparents myself when they were tiny... I did not think about how they felt. We came back after 3 years. If my children did this to me I know I would be devastated. Please try and understand how your in-laws feel. I understand his pain and he is reacting in the only way he knows how....

ditzyme Thu 06-Dec-18 10:04:08

The usual, stock answer - it's your life, your future for you and your husband and child. Of course they are upset, you know that and have acknowledged that, but in their sadness they think only of themselves and what they are losing. Maybe support for them in their old age, as well as not seeing their grandchild. They should be happy for you, and maybe they will, once they calm down. And if they don't, then that is their problem. Goodness, I read some of the posts on these forums where family estrangements, arguments and fallouts are aired, and it reinforces the opinion that families and how you all interact is like a minefield, especially when conversations are carried on via the internet when you can so easily mis-read messages.

Pat1949 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:10:44

I do feel for your father in law, but it's your life. Obviously he's upset, a natural reaction, because he will miss you and your family and probably couldn't see this coming and doesn't like change. Whereas a woman feeling the same would be in floods of tears, his reaction is anger. Don't take it personally (difficult, I know) go ahead with your plan, maintain strong links, particularly at first, and enjoy your life. As one who would be in floods of tears I'm sure he'll get over it. My daughter only moved 120 miles away, I managed to keep a stiff upper lip until I saw her car disappearing down the road and although I only see her and her family a couple of times a year, I'm ok with that now that I'm used to it. Good luck.

Shazmo24 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:13:27

Just give him time and he'll come to realise what a plonker he's been!
Its hard as grandparents to see our children and grandchildren move away but that's why we've always encouraged our kids to do the right thing FOR THEM!
Your MIL is probably just trying to keep the peace for now too

Teddy123 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:15:01

I'm guessing your FIL's yelling and anger were his only way to express his emotions. Unacceptable - Yes. Understandable - also Yes.
Very sad all round but wish you well in this new adventure and hope your husband can find it in his heart to show his parents love and support in the few weeks you are still in the UK.
Bon voyage ....

Nanny27 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:15:51

I am in total agreement with theoddbird. When we bring children into a family we want them to be loved by everyone. Of course this poor man's heart is breaking. He is angry at the situation and taking it out on you as he sees you as the instigator. Go easy on him. I am so saddened by some of the harsh comments on here. We love our grandchildren deeply and unconditionally and I for one would be devastated if one of mine was being taken away. I hope I wouldn't react as your father in law has but we all react to grief differently.

leeds22 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:34:29

All our gc lives 200-300 miles away and I reckon the Oz in-laws see more of the shared gc than we do. They come over for long visits and are able to bond whereas we see them 2 -3 weekends a year. Hopefully your fil will come round and you can make them welcome on visits.

kwest Thu 06-Dec-18 10:41:42

How about writing a letter to your FIL? Putting yourself in his shoes? He is feeling anticipatory grief at the loss of a very precious relationship, grief is also about loss not necessarily death. His heart is breaking and so he strikes out in anger at what he believes to be the cause and a frightening threat to his future happiness. Be the bigger person, apologise , show compassion. It will cost you nothing but a bit of hurt pride, yet will give him something to look at and think about when things are looking very bleak. Also make sure your MIL knows how to use Skype before you leave and make a regular arrangement for you and your family to contact your in laws in this way. Put in every effort you can to reassure them of your continued contact. Above all be kind. One day you may find your son and a beloved grandchild are being moved away from you by a future DIL for similar reasons. Imagine how that must feel. Grandparents love their grandchildren with a passion that almost matches that of the parents but the have no say, no rights. Please be kind.

Razzy Thu 06-Dec-18 10:47:29

It is a bit unfair of them, I mean you’ve been living on their doorstep to the detriment of your parents, now you are moving you’ll be equidistant no doubt. I understand they are upset because they won’t see their son and grandchild so much, but if they are retired I am sure they could visit you regularly? I am sure if you were having to move because your husband got a job abroad they wouldn’t be so annoyed.

moggie57 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:48:07

you go its your life, your decision. dont let them control how you think or do things let things calm down and in a few months maybe they could come visit.they sound selfish .i can see there reasons as they are very close to gc...but they can still see them if they wanted to. and theres skype and video calls.yes i would feel devastated if my gc went abroad, but they are your children not theres. go .let things ride, call them to reassure them all is well. let gc speak to them..i think things will pan out over time. at moment they having panic attack.good lick..

grannytotwins Thu 06-Dec-18 11:13:20

Your in laws must be utterly broken hearted. I didn’t understand, until I had a grandchild, that I would love him as much as if he were my own. You won’t understand that until you are fortunate enough to be a grandparent. He is hurt and grieving for his grandchild and a future where he can’t hug him or have a close relationship with him. Skype doesn’t give anything like a normal relationship. It’s silly to think that any modern technology can be a substitute for a cuddle with grandad. I’m incredibly sad for this man whose only crime is to love his grandson and want to be a part of his life. Did you honestly think that he would be happy that you are taking a job abroad? I expect that your in laws are sobbing themselves to sleep every night. You need to build some bridges fast instead of complaining about him here.

knspol Thu 06-Dec-18 11:14:29

I'm sure you and DH didn't go into such a major move lightly. It's your lives and you must do whatever is best for you. I thoroughly understand from experience what it's like when family move abroad as it happened with my own son. I was devastated BUT wished them well from the beginning, told them it would be a marvellous new start for them and that they were doing the very best thing. I think your inlaws are just being incredibly selfish not to mention rude and unpleasant. I'd just keep my distance until hopefully they realise how dreadfully they've acted and come to their senses. Good luck with your new adventure!

Willow10 Thu 06-Dec-18 11:34:17

I've always thought that if my children thought there were better prospects abroad, I would never stand in their way. I wish I had emigrated years ago. After all, what prospects are there for youngsters in this country now? Of course it would absolutely break my heart and I honestly don't know how I would cope, but it is their lives to live as they choose, not mine. I think your father in law was extremely rude and you must be a lovely person to even forgive his shouting such nasty comments at you. Of course they are upset, but that gives them no right to behave that way. I hope they realise eventually that it is their support you need, not childish sulking. None of us have the right to dictate how our children live their lives. Good luck to you on your new adventure.

evianers Thu 06-Dec-18 12:08:12

We left to emigrate in 1975 taking the only GC at that time to the southern Hemisphere. Neither sets of parents were particularly enamoured with the idea of not seeing their children/grandchildren, but they became used to the idea and in fact came to visit us both in South Africa and Oz eventually. Your FIL needs time to become used to the idea.

sodapop Thu 06-Dec-18 12:22:31

Your father in law may well be devastated by your move confuseddil but that does not give him the right to behave this way to you. Supposedly he is an adult and should be able to deal appropriately with his emotions. My daughter moved to USA with her husband and baby, this was before the days of e-mail and Skype, of course I was upset but I brought her up to be independent so wished them God Speed to their new life.

Don't stress any more over this, let your husband deal with it if he can. Do try to mend fences with your mother in law if possible but move forward and embrace your new life whole heartedly. Good luck.

Jane43 Thu 06-Dec-18 12:47:22

If you were my daughter in law I would be very proud that you are doing so well in your career that you have been offered a wonderful opportunity like this. Grandchildren are a privilege not a right and your FIL is behaving very badly, in fact if he is not careful it could lead to estrangement from his grandson, his son and you. He is lucky you are even considering putting things right before you leave. Distance is not the barrier it used to be with modern technology and the opportunity to travel for regular visits. He should read some of the posts on here about estrangement and think very carefully about his behavioural which IMHO is completely unacceptable.

As you can tell I feel very strongly about this as we have been estranged from our eldest two granddaughters for 10 years now over something very trivial after years of support for our ex daughter-in-law. We have been excluded from their lives - from two weddings and the birth of our great-grandson and it hurts more than words can ever describe. I woukdn’t wish it on anybody, not even you FIL.

I wish you, your husband and your son all the very best for the future.

Billybob4491 Thu 06-Dec-18 12:55:28

You only have your children on loan, and all any parents wants is for them to be happy and settled in whatever path they choose to take. However, I would be heartbroken if your g/daughters removed to another country, job or no job, I can understand your FIL reaction, but feel he could have handled the situation more politely.

Bekind Thu 06-Dec-18 14:02:21

I'm sorry you are experiencing this! I have a daughter and grandchild who live far away and we still talk on the phone all the time, so it seems like she's still here with me. In fact, I talk to her more than I do my other 2 children who live close by!

willa45 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:11:01

I would arm myself with a lot of patience, listen quietly and allow them to vent. Understandably, they are upset ....whether you realize it or not, they feel that their entire world will be turned upside down by your absence. Depending on their age, they may also feel they're being robbed of what little time they have left to enjoy their grandson.

The holidays is also not the best time for bad news. Obviously their grief is so great, they have forgotten or no longer care how they express it. They may even ignore that it's your life and that the decision is yours and your H's to make, not theirs.

Perhaps your H could have a quiet talk with them. Right now what they need most of all is sympathy, understanding and a lot of reassurance. Finances permitting, you and H might offer them the plane tickets so they can come and visit you once you're settled. You could also arrange to come home once or twice a year. If they have that to look forward to, it may ease the transition. Time heals and they will get over it one way or another. Handle this with sensitivity and compassion and there shouldn't be any lasting scars.

I do wish you all the best.

maddyone Thu 06-Dec-18 14:15:37

Luckygirl makes a good suggestion, to write to your PiL telling them why you are going, but acknowledging their feelings, and giving suggestions as to how you can keep in touch after you move.
Some posters sound quite high handed in their indignation, and they’re right of course that’s it’s your life to live as you choose, but you are showing that you are a lovely DiL in that you want to fix this before you go, and you say you’re also disappointed that they won’t have such a close relationship with your little boy yourself. But work comes first of course, and we all have to go where our jobs take us.
It is very probable that MiL is terribly upset but hiding it, and that FiL is angry that he can’t protect his wife from this pain. Your husband should certainly speak to his parents, to part on bad terms would be terrible. And thinking to the future, he would be guilt ridden if anything should happen to one of his parents before he manages to see them again, if he parted on bad terms. Asking for an apology is futile, an apology should be made really, but often pride gets in the way, and the only way to view this unfortunate situation is with compassion. FiL will calm down and you will move abroad, but try your best to get everyone to part on good termsif you can.

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:18:25

Of course you have to do what you think is best. However, do be as understanding as possible, as has been said before it is so hard for grandparents in this situation, who love their grandchildren with all their hearts but have no way of ensure they will always be close to them.I suspect no one appreciates this until they are themselves grandparents.

mabon1 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:18:38

It's your life, live it the way you wish, in-laws will come round in the end I bet.

PECS Thu 06-Dec-18 14:20:31

I would be devastated if either of my DDs moved away but if it was right for them and their family I would have to support the decision. They do not 'owe' me anything and I have been hugely lucky to have such a close and loving relationship with DGCs so far. We cannot tether our children and need to support them,

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:21:32

Live love laugh , what a shame that your strident nature doesn’t reflect your name

sarahellenwhitney Thu 06-Dec-18 15:10:29

Confuseddil .We were in a similair position when many years ago my now late DH and self discussed a new life for ourselves and our, yet to start school, children. Before taking it further we informed both parents of our plans. My parents wished us well, not so the in laws.
It was not going to be as easy making the move as we thought with DH having to take a lower grade in his line of work. I believe however that the 'opposition' was the deciding factor and out weighed any pioneering spirit we had.
Go with it. Its your life.

blue60 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:19:24

You really must follow your heart if this is right for you and your family.

Many people dislike change, but gradually change is accepted. It has to be.

Go forward and take this opportunity to embrace a new phase in your lives.

David1968 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:51:11

I've quoted this before on GN- "if you love someone, set them free...:" (song by Sting.) Our only child & family are 5000 miles away, so we understand what this can feel like. But we have never ever made a fuss about this because we love them & want them to have the best possible life which they choose. I agree with Scribbles. Don't let your FiL get to you: go forward and have a wonderful life.

Newatthis Thu 06-Dec-18 16:00:04

It sounds as if your FiL is being selfish. i'm not sure where you're going but maybe they will eventually look upon your adventure as their adventure also. My DD lives in San Francisco (11 hour flight) with our beautiful GD and I miss them everyday but I really love going to see them and having lovely holidays there. I am fortunate as I am in the position of being able to do so but maybe they too might come round to visiting, even if only once a year? The important thing is, is to keep the communication channels open and I'm sure eventually it will be OK.

GabriellaG Thu 06-Dec-18 16:02:55

Arrange to come home one or twice a year...12,000 miles?

Confuseddil Thu 06-Dec-18 16:20:31

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies, thaoto all for making the time. I really appreciate all of the considerations put forward and will do my best to put them to use for a positive outcome x

Confuseddil Thu 06-Dec-18 16:21:33

‘Thanks to all’ vs the typo above smile

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Dec-18 16:32:32

Is the move permanent? Sorry if I've missed that. I think he's being very unreasonable especially if you're from Australia and your parents live there. So it's ok for your parents not to have regular contact with your kids but not him. Tbh in his shoes I'd always be expecting you to move to Australia from the minute you and your husband got serious.
Sorry is just a word, no more or less important than any other, so does it really matter whether he says it or not. try to persuade your husband to be the bigger man.
I'd tell the father in law "it is what it is" he can accept it with good grace and be happy for you or can yell some more and kick up a fuss but whatever he does it's happening and you'd prefer to part on good terms and maintain as much contact as possible but it's his choice.

I hope it goes well.

maximka25 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:38:58

Your FIL's behaviour is rude but easily explained - he's upset. Telling from my own experience. Over 22 years ago I married a foreigner. My late Dad was upset that I've chosen to live thousands of miles away from my parents, though he wasn't rude about it.
Though I was very much in love with my husband, there are many things I regret about leaving home. I wasn't there, when my Dad died. My Mum didn't see my firstborn until he was a year and a half old. I missed sharing all the milestones with her.
My elder son has severe autism, so I haven't been travelling with him back home for over 14 years. My Mum comes to visit us once a year, and stays with us for a month, and every time she has to leave, we don't know if we'll see each other again. It's hard on both of us, as we have a very strong bond. Yes, there is a daily phone call, and Skype, but it isn't the same.
Yes, it is ultimately your decision, but you're changing not only your own life but their lives irrevocably.

quizqueen Thu 06-Dec-18 16:45:56

If my FinL had shouted at me like that I would have probably told him that I was glad I was putting distance between us so I think you have handled this very calmly, considering. I think this rift with your in laws is now up to your husband to mend though.

As far as the comments some have made about Mr Trump, have you not read about the mega temper tantrums Hillary had in the run up to the election! Also, it has been reported that Michelle Obama is not the saint she likes to be painted when dealing with staff etc. It's about time that people in the UK accepted that whom the Americans chose to be their President is nothing to do with them and there is no need for Trump or Brexit bashing in every post!!

notanan2 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:57:59

I would remind him that it is unhealthy for children to see their parents treated that badly by others so if he wants you to travel back with the kids to visit him he needs to start showing that he is able to behave respectfully.

EthelJ Thu 06-Dec-18 17:28:26

I agree with Stella, of course it is your life and the decision where you live is for you to make but your in laws are grieving. Yes they are behaving badly but they are not thinking properly. When my daughter told me she was moving abroad it felt like a bereavement, I knew I was not being rational but I felt so sad and it took me a long time to come to terms with it,
Try and be patient with your in laws and hopefully things will improve.

Marthjolly1 Thu 06-Dec-18 17:44:18

confuseddil I really feel for you and I agree put some space between you and ILs. MIL must feel she is between a rock and a hard place. FIL needs to take a step back and look at the whole picture although that's probably unlikely. You have enough to deal with should be supported in your preparations for such a big move. I wish you all the very best and hope it all works out well for you all.

Magrithea Thu 06-Dec-18 18:25:29

There's a saying "if you love something let it go" - we don't own our children or grandchildren. Yes, we love them all dearly but shouldn't expect them to live their lives to suit us!! If the job is for the good of your family confuseddil then go, Skype the GPs (both sets, if you have them) and make sure your side of the deal is done. If they choose to ignore any contact then they are indeed cutting off their noses to spite their faces!

My DD and SiL were considering a move to the UAE when DGD was under one. Yes, we would have been upset but having lived abroad ourselves we understood.

Change of any sort is scary but yelling and carrying on like a 2 year old isn't the way to deal with it!

Good luck and enjoy your new life

grandtanteJE65 Thu 06-Dec-18 18:31:27

You and your husband agree about this move, and that is the main thing. Moving now, while your child is a toddler is fine for the little one, as at that age he/she will pick up another language in no time.

Give your in-laws time to cool down and get over the disappointment of your move. Once you are settled in your new home, write and invite them to visit next summer - that will give you all a chance to get used to the change.

I understand their disappointment, but in my book they are being quite unreasonable, especially as your parents obviously have accepted a long distance relationship with you, your DH and your child.

VIOLETTE Thu 06-Dec-18 20:04:56

Sorry but I think you IL's are being selfish and totally unreasonable ! they are very fortunate you are trying to resolve the situation amicably ...if your MiL looks at Gransnet, she will see there are many GP's who NEVER see their GCs for whatever reason. It is a great shame they cannot realise this is the way rifts can be caused that will never heal ......seems to be no use trying to talk to them. There are groups that deal with families abroad ....Australia especially ....and some organisations that offer special air fares etc idea where they are, but if you google the problem you may find how you can access such groups ...if your MiL 'spoke' to others in the same position she may realise it is not the end of the world unless SHE chooses it to be and communication nowadays is not difficult. She can look forward to many happy years of sharing the GC;s life, even if they do not visit every day or week ...a lot of UK based GPs and GCs don't see each other for a long time between visits ........good luck

LiveLaughLaove Thu 06-Dec-18 20:31:07


"Live love laugh , what a shame that your strident nature doesn’t reflect your name."

Oh whatever! Like seriously, DIL shouldn't have to compromise her nuclear families needs/happiness in order to fulfil her FILselfish wants? Or should she now stay and miss out on this opportubity for he successfully threw a toddler tantrum and said something nasty and disrespectful to his DIL? He has lived his best life his way and should let her live her best life her way too. This is not about him. I'm sure that he isn't the only one hurting in this situation. Or does he think that this move will not affect DIL, her husband and their children? They too are leaving close family and friends behind and that must be devastating for them too. And acting all immature about it is only going to make things worse especially when he decides that he wants to visit in the future and starts getting nothing but excuses.....or starts to wonder why they are not visiting him at all. But people just love to tip-toe all over the truth. The only shameful thing is that the rude behavior of a fully grown and aged man, is being minimized and brushed under the rug as a form of hurt. hmm. Like DIL is not hurting herself.

ConfusedDIL go out and live your very BEST life - guiltfree- . You don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology for choosing to do what's best for you, your husband and your children. You also don't have to be the bigger person as suggested, to appease their feelings after they've been openly being rude and belligerent - and told you how you alone can go if you want to - as if your family unit means more to him than it does to you. They are hurt yes, and understandably in denial but there's a respectful, mature and adult way to handle such issues. FILs behavior was totally inappropriate, irrespective of his hurt feelings. I'm sure they can travel to visit. It's not like you're relocating to the middle of nowhere with no modern means of transportation.

Also, if he was so hurt about it he should have addressed his very own son about any concerns as opposed to disrespecting you cause he's "hurting." Safe travels ands ENJOY your new location in peace. poppy

olive2709 Thu 06-Dec-18 20:55:55

A few years ago my DD and Sil were thinking of going to usa, mil went nuts ,me i went to travel agents.Had a b/day do at there house short time later . I turned up with virgin travel book telling her new holiday spot . She told me I should be backing her up my reply it's there life. 14 years have passed job fell through, don't think she has ever forgiven me .

Coyoacan Thu 06-Dec-18 21:25:57

Gosh, I did even worse to my ex-MIL and she never once criticised me for taking my dd to the other side of the world, even though she had seen her nearly every day since she was born.

Of course it's horrible for grandparents but we have had our entire lives to learn that that is the way of the world. There is no excuse for FIL's behaviour.

MargaretX Thu 06-Dec-18 21:29:46

I feel for the in laws and think you should try to forgive them for going over the top. You will miss having GPs when you are abroad an will probably be surrounded with other complete families and you are just the three of you.
Looking forward to a visit cheers you up when you live abroad. Try to keep on good terms before you leave.

andycameron69 Thu 06-Dec-18 21:32:32

oh for heavens sake , just accept it

Pythagorus Thu 06-Dec-18 21:36:06

What goes around comes around ..........

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:00:26

Do try to read posts before ranting livelaughlaove( can you spell?)I never suggested the poster compromised her ‘ nuclear’ family needs, ( my , you love that phrase) , just that she dealt with it with a little compassion.

glammagran Thu 06-Dec-18 23:23:24

It happened to me in 2014. I felt utterly devastated but didn’t show it. I accepted my son was doing what he felt was best for his family and could not really turn down the opportunity which presented itself. Over time, I have got used to it. We see the grandchildren at least twice a year and am delighted they always seem pleased to see us. I am very fortunate to have had another grandchild this year only 10 minutes away! This one was quite a surprise.

sodapop Fri 07-Dec-18 06:54:02

confused andy

Blencathra Fri 07-Dec-18 07:31:41

Just ignore them and they will have to come around to them. I think they are extremely lucky to have had you local- many families never get that. Don’t get into arguments - smile, nod, ignore. Stick with the positive.

icanhandthemback Fri 07-Dec-18 11:58:22

Of course you are entitled to live your lives as you want to but you have to accept your actions also have consequences. In an ideal world your in-laws would have behaved with better grace but I suspect that FIL might be getting grief from MIL who is putting on a braver face in front of you. It doesn't give him the right to shout at you but I think it is naive for you to thing that your desire to live your life as you want to wouldn't create waves. The only thing you can do is hope that time will heal and that the bond between your husband and his parents will be strong enough to see this through.

dragonfly46 Fri 07-Dec-18 12:45:10

Pythagorus what is that supposed to mean?

crazyH Fri 07-Dec-18 17:58:06

Yes Pythagorus....what's the riddle ?

Pythagorus Fri 07-Dec-18 21:54:44

I mean one only realises how grandparents feel when one becomes one. I moved abroad and didn’t give my parents and in laws a thought ...... But if my son did it I would be heartbroken ...... Iwould so miss him and the grandchildren.
So children take note, one day you will be the grandparents!

crazyH Fri 07-Dec-18 23:03:24

Got it Pythagorus....I did the same as you. I was just too excited about the prospect of a new exciting life in a new country- never realised how heartbroken she was....her beloved grandchildren were taken away from her so to speak. I still get teary, thinking about it....poor Mum. I have my children and grandchildren within 10 miles of where I live. I don't see them often, but I know they are just a phone call away .

LiveLaughLaove Sat 08-Dec-18 04:57:44


Do try to read posts before ranting livelaughlaove( can you spell?)I never suggested the poster compromised her ‘ nuclear’ family needs, ( my , you love that phrase) , just that she dealt with it with a little compassion."

But no one said/insinuated that you suggested that. One would think you'd catch onto that as fast as you caught onto grammatical errors. hmm. So let me throw your question back your way. Do you try to read posts before ranting online?

And I'm so very sorry that I never really learned how to read or write. That would hopefully explain my poor spelling. I simply graduated top of my medical school class by mere luck. hmm. But do feel free to correct my typos as needed. Maybe your expertise in spotting such irrelevant issues on social media, will help negotiate an increase my 2019 salary evaluations? grin

But why oh why should DIL be more compassionate when dealing with Mr. rude and selfish FIL? As MANY on here have said, he's being very selfish, and if anyone needs compassion its DIL, not him.

Madgran77 Sat 08-Dec-18 17:00:35

Confuseddil I think your FIL has been hurtful, unkind and is behaving like a child! Unfortunately that is how some people do behave when upset or angry. As this quote from you shows *They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too", you on the other hand, are behaving like an adult, making decisions about the right thing to do for all of your nuclear family and at the same time kindly considering your IL's feelings, despite the childish and unkind behaviour.
As you are sure that they won't apologise and your husband won't speak to them about it, I am not sure there is too much you can do before you go really! Maybe you can concentrate more on building ways to develop regular contact once you have moved, assuming that is what you want to do. Skype is brilliant including with toddlers. You could set up a system of sending a brief email each week, with photos of your grandson maybe? Anything that suits you that might over time show your IL's that all is not lost and that a new relationship can be built in different circumstances. It will ofcourse be up to them to engage if they choose, and if they don't then that is their choice.

I hope that your move goes well and that things work out. You can try, but only your IL's can actually solve this problem because it is their problem in the end! flowers

Madgran77 Sat 08-Dec-18 17:13:34

confuseddil PS I also meant to say that your consideration of why your ILs are feeling and behaving as they are is generous and compassionate which is often the best way to help people who are behaving badly to think again! You deserve such generosity from therm but may not get it I'm afraid! However you are being the better person with your compassion and generosity.