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In laws furious we are moving

(91 Posts)
Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:41:41

Looking for advice... We’ve recently told my in laws we’ve decided to move abroad and they are furious. They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too. We’re moving abroad for my job and my FIL has yelled and yelled that we’re not doing the right thing and putting my work ahead of everything else. He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me). Until this all happened I had a good relationship with my in-laws, they’re quite over bearing but nothing I couldn’t handle happily enough. My husband is understandably very angry at his Dad (yhis Mum has been nicer but could have been more supportive too) and I’m just devastated there is such a family strain. We leave in seven weeks and I know things won’t get better unless they’re fixed before our move (we told them four months before our move, as soon as we knew). I can barely look at my FIL given his behaviour and know he won’t apologise. My husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation with them again but I suspect he’d regret that in years to come, I’ve tried to convince my husband to speak to his parents but he’ll only do so if they apologise. I think this is a lost cause but any advice? Thank you!!!

Madgran77 Sat 08-Dec-18 17:13:34

confuseddil PS I also meant to say that your consideration of why your ILs are feeling and behaving as they are is generous and compassionate which is often the best way to help people who are behaving badly to think again! You deserve such generosity from therm but may not get it I'm afraid! However you are being the better person with your compassion and generosity.

Madgran77 Sat 08-Dec-18 17:00:35

Confuseddil I think your FIL has been hurtful, unkind and is behaving like a child! Unfortunately that is how some people do behave when upset or angry. As this quote from you shows *They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too", you on the other hand, are behaving like an adult, making decisions about the right thing to do for all of your nuclear family and at the same time kindly considering your IL's feelings, despite the childish and unkind behaviour.
As you are sure that they won't apologise and your husband won't speak to them about it, I am not sure there is too much you can do before you go really! Maybe you can concentrate more on building ways to develop regular contact once you have moved, assuming that is what you want to do. Skype is brilliant including with toddlers. You could set up a system of sending a brief email each week, with photos of your grandson maybe? Anything that suits you that might over time show your IL's that all is not lost and that a new relationship can be built in different circumstances. It will ofcourse be up to them to engage if they choose, and if they don't then that is their choice.

I hope that your move goes well and that things work out. You can try, but only your IL's can actually solve this problem because it is their problem in the end! flowers

LiveLaughLaove Sat 08-Dec-18 04:57:44


Do try to read posts before ranting livelaughlaove( can you spell?)I never suggested the poster compromised her ‘ nuclear’ family needs, ( my , you love that phrase) , just that she dealt with it with a little compassion."

But no one said/insinuated that you suggested that. One would think you'd catch onto that as fast as you caught onto grammatical errors. hmm. So let me throw your question back your way. Do you try to read posts before ranting online?

And I'm so very sorry that I never really learned how to read or write. That would hopefully explain my poor spelling. I simply graduated top of my medical school class by mere luck. hmm. But do feel free to correct my typos as needed. Maybe your expertise in spotting such irrelevant issues on social media, will help negotiate an increase my 2019 salary evaluations? grin

But why oh why should DIL be more compassionate when dealing with Mr. rude and selfish FIL? As MANY on here have said, he's being very selfish, and if anyone needs compassion its DIL, not him.

crazyH Fri 07-Dec-18 23:03:24

Got it Pythagorus....I did the same as you. I was just too excited about the prospect of a new exciting life in a new country- never realised how heartbroken she was....her beloved grandchildren were taken away from her so to speak. I still get teary, thinking about it....poor Mum. I have my children and grandchildren within 10 miles of where I live. I don't see them often, but I know they are just a phone call away .

Pythagorus Fri 07-Dec-18 21:54:44

I mean one only realises how grandparents feel when one becomes one. I moved abroad and didn’t give my parents and in laws a thought ...... But if my son did it I would be heartbroken ...... Iwould so miss him and the grandchildren.
So children take note, one day you will be the grandparents!

crazyH Fri 07-Dec-18 17:58:06

Yes Pythagorus....what's the riddle ?

dragonfly46 Fri 07-Dec-18 12:45:10

Pythagorus what is that supposed to mean?

icanhandthemback Fri 07-Dec-18 11:58:22

Of course you are entitled to live your lives as you want to but you have to accept your actions also have consequences. In an ideal world your in-laws would have behaved with better grace but I suspect that FIL might be getting grief from MIL who is putting on a braver face in front of you. It doesn't give him the right to shout at you but I think it is naive for you to thing that your desire to live your life as you want to wouldn't create waves. The only thing you can do is hope that time will heal and that the bond between your husband and his parents will be strong enough to see this through.

Blencathra Fri 07-Dec-18 07:31:41

Just ignore them and they will have to come around to them. I think they are extremely lucky to have had you local- many families never get that. Don’t get into arguments - smile, nod, ignore. Stick with the positive.

sodapop Fri 07-Dec-18 06:54:02

confused andy

glammagran Thu 06-Dec-18 23:23:24

It happened to me in 2014. I felt utterly devastated but didn’t show it. I accepted my son was doing what he felt was best for his family and could not really turn down the opportunity which presented itself. Over time, I have got used to it. We see the grandchildren at least twice a year and am delighted they always seem pleased to see us. I am very fortunate to have had another grandchild this year only 10 minutes away! This one was quite a surprise.

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:00:26

Do try to read posts before ranting livelaughlaove( can you spell?)I never suggested the poster compromised her ‘ nuclear’ family needs, ( my , you love that phrase) , just that she dealt with it with a little compassion.

Pythagorus Thu 06-Dec-18 21:36:06

What goes around comes around ..........

andycameron69 Thu 06-Dec-18 21:32:32

oh for heavens sake , just accept it

MargaretX Thu 06-Dec-18 21:29:46

I feel for the in laws and think you should try to forgive them for going over the top. You will miss having GPs when you are abroad an will probably be surrounded with other complete families and you are just the three of you.
Looking forward to a visit cheers you up when you live abroad. Try to keep on good terms before you leave.

Coyoacan Thu 06-Dec-18 21:25:57

Gosh, I did even worse to my ex-MIL and she never once criticised me for taking my dd to the other side of the world, even though she had seen her nearly every day since she was born.

Of course it's horrible for grandparents but we have had our entire lives to learn that that is the way of the world. There is no excuse for FIL's behaviour.

olive2709 Thu 06-Dec-18 20:55:55

A few years ago my DD and Sil were thinking of going to usa, mil went nuts ,me i went to travel agents.Had a b/day do at there house short time later . I turned up with virgin travel book telling her new holiday spot . She told me I should be backing her up my reply it's there life. 14 years have passed job fell through, don't think she has ever forgiven me .

LiveLaughLaove Thu 06-Dec-18 20:31:07


"Live love laugh , what a shame that your strident nature doesn’t reflect your name."

Oh whatever! Like seriously, DIL shouldn't have to compromise her nuclear families needs/happiness in order to fulfil her FILselfish wants? Or should she now stay and miss out on this opportubity for he successfully threw a toddler tantrum and said something nasty and disrespectful to his DIL? He has lived his best life his way and should let her live her best life her way too. This is not about him. I'm sure that he isn't the only one hurting in this situation. Or does he think that this move will not affect DIL, her husband and their children? They too are leaving close family and friends behind and that must be devastating for them too. And acting all immature about it is only going to make things worse especially when he decides that he wants to visit in the future and starts getting nothing but excuses.....or starts to wonder why they are not visiting him at all. But people just love to tip-toe all over the truth. The only shameful thing is that the rude behavior of a fully grown and aged man, is being minimized and brushed under the rug as a form of hurt. hmm. Like DIL is not hurting herself.

ConfusedDIL go out and live your very BEST life - guiltfree- . You don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology for choosing to do what's best for you, your husband and your children. You also don't have to be the bigger person as suggested, to appease their feelings after they've been openly being rude and belligerent - and told you how you alone can go if you want to - as if your family unit means more to him than it does to you. They are hurt yes, and understandably in denial but there's a respectful, mature and adult way to handle such issues. FILs behavior was totally inappropriate, irrespective of his hurt feelings. I'm sure they can travel to visit. It's not like you're relocating to the middle of nowhere with no modern means of transportation.

Also, if he was so hurt about it he should have addressed his very own son about any concerns as opposed to disrespecting you cause he's "hurting." Safe travels ands ENJOY your new location in peace. poppy

VIOLETTE Thu 06-Dec-18 20:04:56

Sorry but I think you IL's are being selfish and totally unreasonable ! they are very fortunate you are trying to resolve the situation amicably ...if your MiL looks at Gransnet, she will see there are many GP's who NEVER see their GCs for whatever reason. It is a great shame they cannot realise this is the way rifts can be caused that will never heal ......seems to be no use trying to talk to them. There are groups that deal with families abroad ....Australia especially ....and some organisations that offer special air fares etc idea where they are, but if you google the problem you may find how you can access such groups ...if your MiL 'spoke' to others in the same position she may realise it is not the end of the world unless SHE chooses it to be and communication nowadays is not difficult. She can look forward to many happy years of sharing the GC;s life, even if they do not visit every day or week ...a lot of UK based GPs and GCs don't see each other for a long time between visits ........good luck

grandtanteJE65 Thu 06-Dec-18 18:31:27

You and your husband agree about this move, and that is the main thing. Moving now, while your child is a toddler is fine for the little one, as at that age he/she will pick up another language in no time.

Give your in-laws time to cool down and get over the disappointment of your move. Once you are settled in your new home, write and invite them to visit next summer - that will give you all a chance to get used to the change.

I understand their disappointment, but in my book they are being quite unreasonable, especially as your parents obviously have accepted a long distance relationship with you, your DH and your child.

Magrithea Thu 06-Dec-18 18:25:29

There's a saying "if you love something let it go" - we don't own our children or grandchildren. Yes, we love them all dearly but shouldn't expect them to live their lives to suit us!! If the job is for the good of your family confuseddil then go, Skype the GPs (both sets, if you have them) and make sure your side of the deal is done. If they choose to ignore any contact then they are indeed cutting off their noses to spite their faces!

My DD and SiL were considering a move to the UAE when DGD was under one. Yes, we would have been upset but having lived abroad ourselves we understood.

Change of any sort is scary but yelling and carrying on like a 2 year old isn't the way to deal with it!

Good luck and enjoy your new life

Marthjolly1 Thu 06-Dec-18 17:44:18

confuseddil I really feel for you and I agree put some space between you and ILs. MIL must feel she is between a rock and a hard place. FIL needs to take a step back and look at the whole picture although that's probably unlikely. You have enough to deal with should be supported in your preparations for such a big move. I wish you all the very best and hope it all works out well for you all.

EthelJ Thu 06-Dec-18 17:28:26

I agree with Stella, of course it is your life and the decision where you live is for you to make but your in laws are grieving. Yes they are behaving badly but they are not thinking properly. When my daughter told me she was moving abroad it felt like a bereavement, I knew I was not being rational but I felt so sad and it took me a long time to come to terms with it,
Try and be patient with your in laws and hopefully things will improve.

notanan2 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:57:59

I would remind him that it is unhealthy for children to see their parents treated that badly by others so if he wants you to travel back with the kids to visit him he needs to start showing that he is able to behave respectfully.

quizqueen Thu 06-Dec-18 16:45:56

If my FinL had shouted at me like that I would have probably told him that I was glad I was putting distance between us so I think you have handled this very calmly, considering. I think this rift with your in laws is now up to your husband to mend though.

As far as the comments some have made about Mr Trump, have you not read about the mega temper tantrums Hillary had in the run up to the election! Also, it has been reported that Michelle Obama is not the saint she likes to be painted when dealing with staff etc. It's about time that people in the UK accepted that whom the Americans chose to be their President is nothing to do with them and there is no need for Trump or Brexit bashing in every post!!