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Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

(86 Posts)
Rocknroll5me Mon 18-Feb-19 08:48:09

This might be too diff to explain but will try. My DD isn’t very sociable. She particularly dislikes the enforced sociability of her parents in law. She has no children btw. They have invited her and me to a birthday lunch in a few weeks. At a local restaurant, no big deal. Her husband (their son) is awAy that weekend therefore DD suggests that we go out for the day to the seaside to avoid going. I think this is a bit mean. And to complicate things we do go to the seaside once a year on Mother’s day, which is s couple of weeks later....
Btw the dogs love the seaside and I am not up to driving the distance there and back in a day anymore. Do you think I am making s fuss being bothered?

leyla Mon 18-Feb-19 08:54:02

I think your DD should try to be a little more gracious with her in laws. If I was you I would go to the lunch with or without your daughter.

Harris27 Mon 18-Feb-19 08:56:38

I know social occasions can be hard for some people but info think on this occasion she should go especially for her husband as well we do morph into each other's families as we marry and I do think she should be trying harder talk to her.

MawBroon Mon 18-Feb-19 08:59:41

I am not clear about how your daughter’s will comes into this?

It sounds as if it is you that against going?
How would you feel if the situation were reversed? I would feel quite hurt and rejected as you might. Sounds a bit selfish. Whether it is “no big deal” because it is just a local restaurant is immaterial. How would your daughter feel about a family gathering from which she was excluded because her husband was away?
If the two of you are set against going, your daughter will have to face the fall out. “Avoiding” going is a cop out.
Of course a diplomatic way out would be to get SIL to ask his parents to rearrange so that he can be there too.

Rocknroll5me Mon 18-Feb-19 09:08:51

Hi mawBroon I don’t quite get what you are saying. I would happily go to the lunch with or without my daughter. However daughter wants me to play hooky with her. How do you choose? Do I choose her in laws over her? I think it would be great if they changed the date because she would go with her husband. ( he would reasonably insist). But his stepfather whose birthday it is has invited his family too ( unrelated to ours) (they married in their sixties). I feel a little grateful I am included. Does that clarify at all?

PECS Mon 18-Feb-19 09:18:10

I think you have to do what you think is the good thing to do. I get the feeling that you think your DD is not making a very good choice in trying to avoid the family birthday lunch with her in laws. You are her mum and even though she is an adult if you think she is wrong should not then collude with her. Do the right thing.

BlueBelle Mon 18-Feb-19 09:19:41

I thought this thread was about a bereavement and a daughters Will ... relief

I think it would be very mean and ungracious not to go to an invited birthday meal and sorry to sound harsh but I think it’s unkind of your daughter to try and whisk you away to do someth8ng else
We all have to do things out of our comfort zone and your daughter needs to act as an adult and go even if she doesn’t want to much and you should be encouraging her to go not even think about giving in to her and ‘playing Hookie’ she’s not at school now

kittylester Mon 18-Feb-19 09:20:24

Hello, rocknroll, welcome if you are new.

Madgran77 Mon 18-Feb-19 09:25:15

I think your daughter should make a bit of effort here for the sake of the partnership with her husband. One day is hardly a major hardship! I think that making an excuse of you two going out is just potentially building up a bit of hurt/puzzlement with her inlaws that does not bode well for the future for their relationships! I would tell her you think it is not worth hurting/ upsetting her in laws and that you are going to the lunch at least for the sake of maintaining a friendly relationship with them; she must do what she thinks best; you are looking forward to the seaside visit on Mothers Day!

FountainPen Mon 18-Feb-19 09:28:17

I think you have answered your own question. Don't be drawn into any issues your daughter has over her in-laws being sociable people. I doubt they are forcing anyone to do anything. They are just having a lunch party and inviting family members.

That she is having to think of going to the seaside as a distraction (when you'll be going there anyway soon) suggests she might be about to lie to them and use you as the excuse for not going to the party. Oh, I promised Mum I'd take her to the seaside that day.

Tell her you would like to go to the lunch and that you'd like her to go too. Then it's her choice. She can say she's poorly if she must but the problem isn't going to go away. Wouldn't it just be easier if she talked quietly to her in-laws and explained that she isn't a party person? Not everyone is. They would understand.

MawBroon Mon 18-Feb-19 09:29:27

Like BlueBelle my instinctive Reading was that it was to do with a “Will”
However, as I have said and others seem to agree, sometimes you have to put the feelings of others first and it must be obvious what is the right (and the kind) thing to do.

crazyH Mon 18-Feb-19 09:49:41

Same here, Bluebelle and Mawbroom. Thank Heaven it was a more mundane problem .

M0nica Mon 18-Feb-19 10:00:25

All of us sometimes have to do things we would prefer not to in order to keep peace and harmony, in the family or workplace. Understanding that and doing it is part of being grown-up. When you marry you bring two families together and each partner should treat their partners family as if they were there own.

I understand how your DD feels, but I think you should go and encourage her to go with you, that way she doesn't have to go on her own and to a certain extent has you to 'protect' her.

Anything else would be churlish and engender bad feeling towards her in her partner's family.

Anja Mon 18-Feb-19 10:04:54

You’re an adult....aren’t you 🤨

Make your own mind up.

B9exchange Mon 18-Feb-19 10:07:16

I agree, don't be sucked in to playing games. I imagine DD's husband would expect her to go, and be hurt that she is proposing to lie to avoid celebrating with his family, it is lovely that they have invited you both.

luluaugust Mon 18-Feb-19 10:07:27

It seems to be the fashion nowadays to dislike your in-laws! I think you should go to the lunch, what's not nice about a free lunch, you can sit next to your DD on one side and perhaps she can get one of the children on the other then conversation will be easy. Why is the sociability enforced surely they are just having a birthday lunch as the DIL her position is assured at this party.

muffinthemoo Mon 18-Feb-19 10:42:44

I don't think your DD should be encouraging you to give her an 'out' if she doesn't want to go. If she herself does not want to attend, she should be willing to courteously refuse on her own behalf. She is a married adult and does not need to hide behind mummy's skirts.

optimist Mon 18-Feb-19 10:43:29

Shame they didnt postpone the birthday lunch so that their son could go.

knspol Mon 18-Feb-19 11:02:04

I think your daughter has to grow up a little, she may not want to go to the meal but has to do so for the sake of future family relationships. You're going too so she will have some support if needed.

jaylucy Mon 18-Feb-19 11:21:40

Sometimes in life you have to do things that you don't really want to do - politeness seems to go out of the window for some people!
Just weird that your DD would probably be happy to go if her husband was going, but not if he's not there. How rude ! Whether she likes it or not, when you marry someone, you become part of their family as well as your own.
Suggest you tell you DD that you will be going, think she should go to - but if she doesn't it will be up to her to deal with the fall out !

anitamp1 Mon 18-Feb-19 11:25:14

I think you should encourage your daughter to go for the meal. There may be reasons why she feels uncomfortable with her husband's family. But if she has you there too I think it would be ungracious for her not to attend. Perhaps she could agree to go but explain to the invitee that you will both have to leave promptly after meal because .....

Missfoodlove Mon 18-Feb-19 11:35:41

Not going would be deeply offensive.
This small act of deception could create much bigger problems further down the line.
I am surprised that you would even think of colluding with your daughter it seems like very immature behaviour.
I hope I don’t sound too harsh but I have someone in my husbands family who behaves in a similar way and it causes huge tension.

annep1 Mon 18-Feb-19 11:44:29

Normally I would agree with everyone saying daughter should make the effort. I used to think like that with my own daughter and wonder why she didn't find her inlaws as pleasant as I did. But they were totally twofaced. Over the years I discovered how domineering and unpleasant her Fil can be, the stressful effect it had on her and on her marriage. She is now divorced.. I would say your daughter hasn't made the decision lightly. If it were me I would support my daughter.

Peardrop50 Mon 18-Feb-19 12:03:00

It would be polite for you both to attend the lunch and worth the effort for the brownie points in future, she might even enjoy it. I was 15 years old when I met Mr P, his family were very sociable, mine were quite introverted so I struggled with such things for many years. We moved away after marriage and I gained confidence once I realised that lots of people felt like me, I started making an effort to look for those who looked uncomfortable and chatting to them. It's a bit like taking part in a play, act out the role of a confident, friendly person and eventually you will become so. I will never be the life and soul of the party but nobody intimidates any more. Suggest this role playing to your daughter, it may help her.

Marthjolly1 Mon 18-Feb-19 12:08:06

Has your daughter always had difficulty socislising? Does she have a friendship group with whom she enjoys outings or get togethers. Is she a very shy person. Perhaps she feels very uncomfortable in mixed company or large gatherings. This would perhaps explain why she would like her husband to be there to give her confidence? Perhaps a chat with her to try to understand why she is reluctant to go to this family birthday party might go some way to encourage her.