Anyone else's husband turned into a Grumpy old man?

I have one of those and wonder if it connects to a mild stroke he had a while ago. He has changed dramatically – and for the worse – since then and a recent diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis has made things worse. I can't be bothered to "cheer him up" because it wouldn't work; I just try to avoid being in the same room unless I have to. Some marriage!

Hi Absent, so sorry to hear that, but you know what love? I'm in the same boat, and we ain't alone. Grin and bear it eh? We've been together 46 years, I really don't think I can be arsed to even think about moving on.........

It's called low level depression. Can't enjoy themselves because they have lost the zest for life. Get him to exercise a bit, get those endorphins moving. He needs some fun in his life

Mine has been a self-confessed Victor Meldrew for years - he can complain about anything and never truly seems happy!

To be honest, he has his moments, but he’s generally cheerful, it’s my 40 year old son whose turning into Victor Meldrew

I've always felt a bit sorry for old men, at least the ones of my generation, most of whom were brought up with wives who did everything for them.

Now they're at home with no real place in the community (yes, I know there are exceptions) still dependent on women for everything, even sex if they're lucky, but without the sexual attraction of their own which once meant so much to them.
How debilitating that must be. They probably see themselves as elderly babies.

Women, on the other hand, can always find something to do and pack as much extra into life with all manner of crafts, clubs and interests.

So added to the the helplessness, the blokes are full of envy that the person they live with is still a working, interested cog in life.
No wonder they're grumpy, unmotivated and just waiting to fall off the twig.

Joyfulnanna I can just see some of these ladies trying to get their grumpy old men to exercise - it might take a horsewhip, or better yet, a strong laxative.

It's the mansplaining that gets to me. The worse bit is when he tells me about how I should cook or carve or prepare vegetables or do anything to do with mealtimes, given that I spent more than thirty years of my life writing cookbooks. Equally, when I first met him, he had no interest in politics, Now he sits poking at his phone more or less all day and reading me bits off the internet about Donald Trump or whoever that I already know about.

Oh, evie and absent, you have my sympathy. I could have written your posts. It's awful, isn't it

I'm sat here enjoying an early, peaceful breakfast, as I've started doing over the last couple of years. If I am lucky, I will have at least an hour to myself - the most pleasant hour of my day.
My stomach begins to tighten and the stress rise when I hear sounds of movement upstairs.
When he comes down, his first words are almost always a moan about something, and that's how the day continues.

Noises above now. I really hope it's just a bathroom visit. And yes, I know that must sound awful to anyone not living with someone like this, but it's how it is.

In fact, in real life there is no one I dare talk to about just how bad my 'reality' has become. I nearly didn't post here, just in case, but it's actually a relief to share this.

Without wishing to be unsympathetic - and yes, I like the rest of us, moaned about dear PawBroon while he was alive. I dare say he would have moaned back about me, god knows he’d have had plenty to moan about. But he loved me despite my faults and I loved him - with hindsight perhaps because of them.
But on the day when we are reaching out to members like Annsixty who is starting that long lonely journey without her life’s partner it truly saddens me to read this thread.
I know OP started it light heartedly (at least I hope so!) but reading through much of Gransnet there are mornings when I think there are a good few Grumpy Old Women around too.
Nobody is perfect -so cut them some slack!

What would happen if the wives of the grumps turned to them and asked them to cut it out? Tried telling them that spending time with them was miserable and no fun? Said something like “you would hate being married to you”.

And what response might they get back?
Think Andy Capp’s wife!

Mind you she got her own back, dear Flo, now and again!

I had a hip replacement operation a month ago and my husband has obviously had to help out considerably. He’s actually enjoyed housework and has taken over the cooking. I expect the novelty will soon wear off as it did with me years ago but at the moment it’s given him a new lease of life. absent maybe let your husband try taking over the meal preparation for a while?

Loved Andy Capp! Read these posts with amusement hubby ok but when he moans I tell him he can't retire ever if he turns into
Grumpy old man!???

Why shouldn’t OP say lightheartedly or downright seriously that her husband has turned into a grumpy old man, she has to live with him not anybody else, yes others are going through such sad times with their husbands for them we feel, but OP has to deal with her grumpy old man, of whom she has tried to cheer up, don’t presume she is wishing him dead, but a little cheerfulness goes a long way

I know OP started it light heartedly (at least I hope so!) but reading through much of Gransnet there are mornings when I think there are a good few Grumpy Old Women around too

Read my words Nannylovesshooping .

MawBroon
For someone who doesn't want to be unsympathetic, you have managed it very well.

I am sorry for your loss, and for Annesixty's too, but to be quite honest, I think that you yourself could be accused of being insensitive to bring it in here in such a scathing way.
The thread title made it fairly clear what the general topic was going to be, so could have avoided it, yet you still chose to read it.

Do you really know that the OP was being lighthearted? Or the first reply to it?
From a further post that she added, I would say probably not. I certainly wasn't with my post.

Believe me, it is pretty horrible feeling stressed out all day by a partner who now sucks all joy out of almost any occasion, to the extent that you are close to tears half the time. Please don't assume that we are all joking about how bad things are, or assume that we haven't already tried many times to help or encourage our partners to change (for want of a better word. Or even assume that everyone will feel as you do now if they lose their partner. Our situations are all different.

OK so we disagree.
Nannylovesshopping, others and I seemed to think this was started as a lighthearted thread. I generally find the inclusion of !!!exclamation marks is a bit of a clue. You don’t. Who is to say.
At no time was my “tone” designed to be scathing -in fact I am not sure which part of my own opinion you found scathing. Just saying what I felt.
Just as you suggest I am free to not read a thread, in the same way, I am surely entitled to express my own opinion or are you saying that only those who agree with an original post are entitled to comment?
Is this discussion?
Just saying.
(Don’t want to start a barney)

PS Mamacaz I can and do sympathise - I was there, did that, felt what you are articulating to the point of tears many many times over the years of his illness, it is just that with hindsight, I can recognise that I was far from perfect - only he never accused me of it. ?

Mr Gravy was what could be described as “dark and brooding” when I met him many moons ago, so I am not surprised that in his advancing years he is prone to “grumpiness”!!!

But he is mine and I love him!!!!

I can have a day whereby I am grumpy for no reason whatsoever.......if we are both grumpy on the same day we do our own “thing” during the day. Then we get together with a glass of wine and cook our evening meal together.

My OH is so grumpy and getting worse. He’s been very overweight most of his life and his back and joints hurt. But he won’t even attempt to lose some weight. I just ignore his grumping and carry on my own life. I never know what mood he is going to be in each day either but he’ll have a go at me about something that is not to his liking.
I think we all get less tolerant as we get older but men of a certain generation are not used to pulling their weight and can’t cope with changing role from “important wage earner” to “househusband”.

Oh goodness, yes to grumpiness Evie, yes to mansplaining absent, and I so agree with your point about lack of hobbies bradfordlass. I have too many hobbies, I really struggle to find time for them all, but DH seems to read a bit, play a few 'mind training' games on his ipad, and that's about it. He rattles around saying he's bored, but never has much interest in things I suggest nor comes up with ideas of his own. He does like to go out walking, we both do, but golly he hurries me along, which rather ruins it for me and I can't keep up and also like to take photos while we are out. I do wonder why we have to rush when he's only going to be bored when we get back lol. I also wonder wish he'd turn his hand to a spot of gardening or decorating to alleviate his boredom, since I struggle to do it all. I do love him to bits and wouldn't be without him. I do think mine is a bit depressed. I think the main thing though is he finds it all a bit more effort physically now and he really hates that. I do too, but I'd rather push on and suffer to do it than not do it, but I do know it feels rubbish when everything is harder.

I've always felt a bit sorry for old men, at least the ones of my generation,

BradfordLass; And what generation would that be? Please cut it out; it's Good Friday, even in NZ I imagine, so please give us some good news about the "old men" you're NOT sorry for! As for being an "Elderly Baby"! , I'm still very grateful for any Easter Eggs (choccy ones) that might come my way. Yummy!
OoRoo

My OH began to get bored and argumentative so I encouraged him to do a bit of voluntary work a couple of days a week. This has also led to a casual paid job and he’s like a new man...mostly. ????