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daughter and mother in law

(86 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:06

my daughter is getting baptised at church this week, si caually asked her whether mother in law was coming.she turns round and says what makes you think she wont be here after all she is my mum.!!! (actually i'm her mum not mother in law) my d has changed since she married husband ,who recently passed way nearly 2 years ago from heart problems,and rightly so she was upset at fathers day service yesterday. but she is always saying things that she knows will upset me. the more i speak out the more upset it makes me ,so i say nothing. yesterday i said i was only asking.i actually said thats great and left it at that. but its gs birthday on friday and in a nasty voice she said WE are celebrating gs birthday at my mums. really says me .i'm your mum ...not mother in law. frosty looks .then in afternoon our community had summer fayre ,and she avoided me most of the afternoon till i made a point of calling gc over to play bagatelle,,,frosty look and says they do as i tell them not you.. so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor ,just really had enough of her nasty remarks.......i have to pussyfoot around her,....she really has changed .she not the d i bought up. dreading her baptism and her testimony...but i have to bite my tongue..

moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:40

so casually.

moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:49:28

and before anyone says it i do have sympathy and love her lots and yes she been through a lot and been very brave. but to deny that i am her mum and not invite me to any get togethers. am always left out.the thing is since i had my menopause it has left me .how can i put it .i talk to myself and do childish things .i love playing with gc .d says you act like a real nanny.she doesnt like my new haircut and that i dyed it ,said i dont look like a real least mil moved to coastal town in kent. so i get d and gc up for lunch sometimes on sundays.i have never had gc stay over as they always under strict control .just feel like taking over dose and ending it all.she makes me feel so small and unwanted. i cant help how i am ,i have mild autism .so not very good at mixing with people. but tried to sit next to her in church and she told there not enough room ,well move up then ,no she says. theres no room for you ,in front of everyone..was very upset and say 6 rows back.

SpringyChicken Mon 17-Jun-19 22:32:17

Why is she bothering to be baptised? She doesn't sound very Christian and must realise how hurtful she is.
I would continue to speak your mind, don't let her bully you. The more you tiptoe around her, the worse she will be. I feel very sorry for you, Moggie.

Avor2 Mon 17-Jun-19 22:34:18

I do feel for you. Have you any idea why she is so aggressive towards you? Have you said something that she has taken the wrong way? Has she been like this only since husband died? Sorry so many questions. You say you sometimes say and do childish things, would you have upset her at one of those times? I can only suggest that you step back a bit from her although obviously you want to be with your family, hopefully the GC are ok with you, but perhaps your D needs some space, I really don't know I am afraid.

I wish you luck and hopefully things will sort themselves out. Big hugs to you.

crazyH Mon 17-Jun-19 22:49:54

Can't be easy for her to be a widow at such a young age (have I got that right?). That's no excuse for her to say such nasty things. You are and always will be her mother. Her m.i.l. is probably very, very sad at the loss of her son and your daughter and child are the only things she has, that remind her of her son. Gosh, I haven't got all this wrong, have I? A big hug for you....and hope things improve between you and your daughter.

Greenfinch Mon 17-Jun-19 23:05:39

You say you have mild autism. Do you think she might have it too and doesn't realise the effect of what she says ? I am sorry you are feeling so upset.It must be very hard for you.

paddyann Tue 18-Jun-19 00:03:45

I'd guess thet her MIL and her have bonded over their loss ,you wont feel it the same way so maybe you feel she;s pushing you aside.It could just be a part of her grieving process,grief does very strange things to us and we all react differentlt.Dont give up on her but if its only been a couple of years since her loss you have to accept she has along way to go before she can "move on".f being with her MIL helps them both you should be supportive and try not to dwell on your health when you're with her she doesn't need any more negativity around than she already has to deal with.I hope you all get back to a happier place sooner rather than later meantime take care of yourself and try to be kind to both yourself and your daughter

Namsnanny Tue 18-Jun-19 00:39:03

I don't understand why her suffering over her husband and bonding with her mil over his death, means she gets to be hurtful to you?
You are her mother, and to swap titles is very odd!

I hope I don't upset you too much when I say that, I just find her attitude very perplexing!

Clearly she wants you to know she is in a relationship with mil that means more to her than the one she shares with you, or why make this point repeatedly?

Could you find a quiet time just the two of you to ask her why she does such and such?

Could she feel there is something you have done to her that for her, means she cant see you as her mother any more?

Sorry if the questions are too personal and I completely understand if you don't feel like answering!

shamrock Good luck flowers

GG65 Tue 18-Jun-19 00:50:25

moggie57, your daughter’s behaviour sounds incredibly hurtful. Has she always been like this, has she become like this since her husband passed or has something happened between you both that she is reacting to?

Starlady Tue 18-Jun-19 02:13:23

Moggie, my heart is aching for you! No doubt, D is grieving and has been bonding w/ her MIL over their shared grief. But hurting and you and leaving you out of things shouldn't be part of that, as others have said. Also, I agree that switching the titles around is very disturbing indeed.

Why has she chosen this time to be baptized? Is it related to her DH's death? Is she joining the church that he belonged to or that MIL belongs to? Is it part of a different sect than yours? I'm asking b/c I'm wondering if that's what is influencing her behavior.

Also, I hope you don't mind if I echo GG65's question - has something happened between you that she might be reacting to?

" so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor"...

Good idea! I'm sure the pastor can help you cope.

"...just feel like taking over dose and ending it all.she makes me feel so small and unwanted. "

Please don't do that. We are here for you, and so will your pastor be. In fact, please let him know you feel this way. You might also want to contact the Samaritans:

Daisymae Tue 18-Jun-19 08:37:33

You do sound like you could be depressed so it might be an idea t visit your doctor soon. I would take a step back from your daughter and give things time to settle down. Try to keep busy and not dwell on how things are at moment. Hopefully a discussion with the pastor may help too.

chris8888 Tue 18-Jun-19 11:03:51

Maybe she is trying to push you away to avoid the hurt when she loses you too. I know that sounds extreme but l found myself being very short tempered with people after losing my daughter to cancer.

Rachand Tue 18-Jun-19 11:04:42

Yes speak with your Pastor as she has such a poor attitude to you she seriously needs to reconsider her baptism.

tickingbird Tue 18-Jun-19 11:06:43

I feel for you. It has obviously been a very sad time for her and the children and mil but I can’t understand why she would make a point of referring to her mil as her real mum. That is unbelievably hurtful and she must realise that. Has she only been like this since losing her husband or has there always been difficulties?

It’s hard to comprehend but, as others have suggested, I’d take a step back for a while. Keep it light when you do speak and please come on here when it gets too much. Good luck.

jaylucy Tue 18-Jun-19 11:09:33

My first thought, like others is what has happened between the two of you ? You don't say if you had a good relationship with her before.
I think the anger that she is still feeling at her husband's passing is being thrown back at you - because she can (she thinks). The changes that you have made in your appearance - which, quite frankly is nobody's business but your own, may also be wrapped up in her grieving and she may well have a picture in her mind of how her mother and children's grandmother should look and behave.
Maybe she is stuck n a place of how SHE should be behaving after losing her life partner and expects everyone else to be acting the same - which her MiL perhaps does and she feels that only the two of them can understand what they are going through.
Hopefully your chat with your pastor should help, please tell him how lonely you are feeling and hopefully he will be able to introduce you maybe to a womens group in your church (there must be one) that will be supportive for you that will be the first step towards helping you to feel more valued however your daughter treats you and so you will both be able to come out the other side.

Lxrl Tue 18-Jun-19 11:09:59

This all sounds very hurtful for you, moggie. I'm so sorry you're going through this and equally sorry that she has lost her husband, and the children their father. Grief can make us act in bizarre ways.
I left home at 17, and despite my mother being the most loving, perfect mum ever, I told her she wasn't my mum anymore and I moved in with my friend and referred to her mother as my mum. In the years since, I've reconnected with my mum and we are best friends, especially since I had my DD.
Personally, I would not rise to any of this. Don't make an effort for a while, back off and let her miss you and realise how important her mother is. I imagine she has bonded with MIL over their loss, and possibly feels more able to reach out to her, and MIL is perhaps clinging to your daughter and the GC as a way of being closer to her late son.
Please see your doctor and lean on your pastor and congregation as much as possible, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. 2 years is still a very fresh loss, my lovely great aunt was in bits for the better half of a decade after her husband suddenly passed away from a heart attack. Referring to MIL as her mum indicates that she is getting more support from MIL, that doesn't mean you are not supporting her enough, rather that your daughter feels more able to connect with MIL over the shared loss so please try to not take it to heart.
You can get through this, in the meantime try to fill your time with things that make you happy, your church will undoubtedly be there for you also.

Margaux Tue 18-Jun-19 11:17:29

Poor you, Moggie. I feel for you. I think it is the kind of thing that happens to everyone - sometimes, one will say something that other people take the wrong way, and they might tell others, and then resentment builds up - a drama based on nothing more than a misunderstanding. Even so, it is very difficult to clear. Your answer, maybe, is to be strong in yourself. She is your daughter and has gone through a difficult time. Find it in yourself to forgive her. But above all, don't let her behaviour hurt you. Tell yourself that you are as you are and have done nothing wrong. And build up your life. Find new interests. Do the things in life that give you enjoyment. It's easy to say - be strong - I know it's difficult to do. Keep smiling and be your own best friend. Maybe? x

Dillyduck Tue 18-Jun-19 11:19:18

Are you a widow yourself? I can't imagine what your daughter has gone through watching her lovely husband fade away and die at such a young age. I was widowed at 54, no warning, found my OH dead in bed from a heart attack. I would describe myself as one of the most down to earth practical women you could ever meet, but believe me, I wasn't the first two years of being widowed! She has lost so much, it's incredibly sad. Just putting one foot in front of the other can be difficult some days.
If your daughter knows that you love her, at the moment that's all that matters. If she snaps at you, maybe say "there's no need for that" or "no need to take it out on me".
However, I am more concerned for the grandchildren. Does she get cranky with them too? Could you ask THEM if they would like to come over to you for tea one day? Children are "little people" and feel all the same things as us, but sometimes can't put feelings into words. My grandson likes to come to my place after school each Wednesday, it's HIS choice what he does, play on his go kart, dig sand, make chocolate cake, or just sit and play with his phone. One day his mum got cross with him and called him something not very nice. I decided at that point to call him "The Best Grandson in the World", a title he is really proud of. In the course of conversation I ask him how he's feeling in some round about way so he doesn't realise what I'm doing. I also tell him how I'm feeling, sometimes sad, sometimes happy because, sometimes not wanting to do much. Then you are not in any way criticising anyone else, but supporting them. Maybe daughter is struggling under the control of MIL? In time, maybe even a year or two, your "real" daughter will gradually emerge again. Is she getting any counselling for her grief? Maybe at the moment she is still too raw even to talk about things. I know I couldn't for years.

Overthehills Tue 18-Jun-19 11:27:47

Moggie I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Others have given you good advice - step back a bit and try to do things which make you happy. Perhaps see your GP in case depression is part of your problem - not meaning that it’s your fault at all.
Seeing your (and her?) pastor is a good thing but make it clear to him that whatever you say is in the strictest confidence.
I wish you well and hope that this situation will be resolved quickly and happily. I don’t know enough about adult baptism (did she have to have preparatory classes?) but maybe DD will look a time things differently afterwards - I hope so. Good luck and God bless you. flowers

farmgran Tue 18-Jun-19 11:28:18

I lost my first husband when I was very young and pregnant and I attached myself to my mother in law and family as it was the only link with my husband untill the baby came along. I didn't have a mother of my own so there were no loyalty issues. Maybe thats what your daughter has done and hopefuly you'll get her back to her old self when some time has passed. I hope so .

Smileless2012 Tue 18-Jun-19 11:30:26

I hope that you find your meeting with your pastor beneficial Moggie. You'll be able to open your heart and say all of the things that are troubling you and are unable to say to your D.

As has been said, the bond between your D and her m.i.l. has no doubt been strengthened due to their shared tragic loss, not that that explains or condones your D's insensitivity.

Once you've spoken to your pastor, it may be an idea to arrange to see your D with him/her. Sometimes third party with no direct involvement can be helpful.

Houndi Tue 18-Jun-19 11:37:54

Has you daughter has mild autism to she might be saying things without a filter i experience this with my son.We both love each other so much and i understand this is the way he is.He does not mean to be hurtful its his condition.I cannot understand her calling MIL mom.My mum died last March and she will be the only person i ever call mum.My mother in law is her Christian name and will always will be.Please do not think of taking a overdose think of how your grandchild would be and how you are missing out on her grownup.I think its a excellent idea to talk to the Pastor as you sound depressed.Also remember you can always post on here and people will listen.

Jishere Tue 18-Jun-19 11:40:44

It sounds like emotionally she is taking her feelings out on you. She sounds very bitter and maybe she feels closer to her MIL because they shared a love for her late husband.

You are in a difficult situation but try not to let her words effect you - I know that is easier said than done! But give her time - it's almost like sub consciously she is saying your my mum and you don't understand me, you can't possibly understand how I feel - but my MIL does.

Time is a great healer - try not to take it to heart - the grieving process is different for everybody.

ReadyMeals Tue 18-Jun-19 11:42:52

Is she possibly becoming unwell? Sounds like she may be confused about who is who. I am assuming it's not you who is confused and she's actually your DIL and married to your son lol :D