daughter and mother in law

thankyou sharon. have seen the dr's today .he didnt recommend anti depressant as i got mild epilepsy and this doesnt help. but am going for ENT and head scan. see if theres any thing else making me so spaced out.somedays i cant think straight. maybe she embarressed that i am like this.i think i will get her and me some councilling to find out why she is so nasty to me.if i speak out it makes me upset .just the way i am....she knows it upsets me. it like she likes what she's doing.

no she deft my daughter.....i know she gets on really well with mil..and she calls her mum .and yes i can see that mil is so very upset at losing her son. but she said she was coping well,and was ok with her son not being in any more pain. many years ago we did have a falling out. though i have forgiven her but i dont forget. we never got on that well anyway.its not her thats at fault .i dont think my daughter realises the things she says are really hurtful.which i am going to suggest tomorrow that she gets some more counselling.

So sorry for your pain. Perhaps you are relying too much on your daughter for your social needs. Try to broaden your own circle and activities. It is unusual for a DiL to refer to her MiL in this way - I wonder whether she is also on theautistic spectrum. Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve and resist saying anything in retaliation. Your daughter is trying to find her feet and independence. Be supportive, but remember you are not a door mat. Show that you also have a life of your own. Sending hugs

Get yourself a new Daughter! adopt one and put her first get rid of this nasty non-daughter

Tillybelle, in my honest opinion your last post reads too deep. If I were depressed that would send me down further. Good intentions I know. None of us know the reason for daughter's behavior.

Oh Tillybelle, I'm not religious but even I thought that was lovely and supportive, how can anyone follow that with kindness and love for this lady who is religious and therefore won't object to what has been said.

moggie57 I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there. There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?
I know people here are saying your daughter is not being Christian and so on. Please do not fall into that trap. She is lost in the dessert right now. You too - you just can't find anything to hold onto to help you cope with that feeling that life is too painful and too hard. But remember the first Beatitude? "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I didn't "get" this for years until I read 'The Message"; "“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." When you are right at the end of your tether and don't know how to cope, then you are kind of empty inside, so - that leaves loads of room for God! Just ask him in! Fill up on Him. Ask for His help and blessing.

If people read this and say "Where was God when he let you get so low?" Please don't fall into that trap! The Devil is the guy who pulls us down low. We all know where the Devil likes to be! That's where he wants to all us! And if he can get us to blame God for illness, bad luck, feeling depressed, being poor, all the terrible things that the world contains, then that is the Devil's biggest game - making us think God invented them! The whole point of this world is that we live here where the Devil lives and he is powerful. But one moment asking for help from God, one moment asking Jesus to com and help us and the Devil is powerless!

I know you won't mind me saying this because you said you are going to talk to your Church Pastor.

I wanted to ask you if you would mind just sending us a short message saying hello. We would love to hear from you. We don't know where on the globe you are so the time zone may not be the same as mine. But whenever you can, please Moggie57, a short message would be so welcome.

I am preparing to just eat something then get off to bed. We were told there was thunder on the way. It's raining but no noises yet.

This was the end of my message but I am going to cut and paste the first part from where it was to here so you can read my feelings about what is happening in your family and finish with those. I should say - I have had a lot of people die. My husband committed suicide - so please do not do it! My three daughters - well, they are adults now. They were 8, 15, and 19 when he died.

I'm just signing off for tonight but wanted to say "hang in there". Things will change in time, believe me. I too have felt very much like you at times in my life. Life does not stand still, changes come in and new things appear and one day you will be so glad you are here. You may hear a piece of music or see a colour of feel the sunshine and know that at last you do feel better. You will get there.

There are so many of us holding you up right now, and we are not even all in one place but dotted around the globe! Isn't that amazing? All of us holding you up Moggie?

Dear moggie57 I am sure your daughter has had a regression of some kind - like a breakdown - and is "sounding off" saying all sorts of crazy and ridiculous things. When children are toddlers they go through a terrible stage of testing their parents to find out where the boundaries are. They feel terribly insecure if a parent allows them too much lee-way. But if a parent is too strict they become too frightened and do not dare explore.

They test the boundaries to find out where they will be held and stopped - where their parent will stop them and say "No". Then they feel safe. So your daughter now she has to look after her son all on her own, that's probably what she thinks in the small hours of the night. She feels as if those loving arms that held her safe have let her go. She is free-falling in the darkness, lashing out screaming to find the boundaries again to know when she will hit the sides, when the safety net will catch her - is it still there? Has the world thrown her out? She is flailing around - completely unmanageable.

You - her poor dear mum, are everything to her. You are the only permanent thing she knows in life. But life has just broken and she needs to test you and see if you are breakable. You are the safety net, the punch bag, the edges of the world that has let her down and cast her out! Now she is testing you.

It's the only way she knows to find out if she is worth loving any more. She doesn't love her late husband's mother! Not "like a mother"! We know that because she doesn't love her enough to treat her badly! She finds it a comfort to be with her because she brings her closer to her dear departed husband. Being in her house is like their courting days. It brings him back. If she keeps near his mother she can keep a bit of him alive... for a while,,,

But she does not love her like we love our mother! She is too polite to her!! Since when was a girl polite to her mother? OK the queen when in public... The mums we really love are the people we, well, we're awful to them aren't we? Us girls? I mean, we take them for granted for a start. We don't say "Thank you for taking me to school and making me say please and thank you and clean my teeth..." Our mums are the people we treat badly when we are difficult toddlers, the person we tell "I hate you!" when we are sulking little girls, our mums are "The stupid cow!" when we are awkward teenagers, and "Oh Gawd not mother again!" as moody young women we lift the phone...

and then - when the unimaginable worst happens, and we have the most awful pain inside us that we just can't bear - we screech it out at ... our mum! Not anyone else. No-one else loves us enough. Everyone else would go away and dump us. Even our mum's friends tell our mum to walk away from us, they tell our mum, we've hurt her enough, save yourself, let her go, she's and adult,...

But to our mum, while we scream the loudest primeval scream we can invent, the nastiest, horribles things at her, .. she stares at us.. because we are just her little girl. Her little baby who had this perfect baby boy. Who was such a perfect baby girl herself, yesterday morning, and then a bride to a lovely man in the afternoon, a man who got sick at tea time, his heart, and died at bed-time and our little girl, screaming great gobs of cruel mouthfuls of killing words at us, our bay daughter is ... a Widow!

You know you won't abandon her. You simply can't. Even though you could really do with a rest. But you will never let her go. She knows. Just don't listen to the words. They are the only way she knows of saying to you "Mum it really hurts. It hurts so much I can't stand it." Hear her pain - she's trying to throw it at you, hear it and say, "Darling I'm so sorry - I love you so much."

So sorry you are going through such a bad time. I think you should get some help from your GP too and maybe a referral for counselling. This is likely to help you feel much better about yourself and understand more what is going on generally. Then you will cope better; it will be easier to assert yourself to your daughter; and you can then be open to her about what you think needs to change between you for the relationship to improve.
Lots of love and good luck

Agree ayokunmi1 I would never let any of my AC talk to me in that way in the first place and they know it.

You say moggie that your daughter changed when she married her husband so it's not just the bereavement that caused her nasty behavior toward you.
I'm not the kind of person to 'wonder why', if my daughter behaved in the same way to me, I would be asking her why and you don't have to pussy foot around her. You deserve some respect. Regain your self-esteem.
I understand at this time you feel so worn down. I would get some help from your GP. Take a step back until you feel better but in the meantime find some outside interests you enjoy if you can. You look after you.

No shes treating her mum.like shit and why is this right
Again stiff upper lip she maybe not be well, trying to find a bond with her in law .all thats pants shes disrespectful and thats it.You need to say it just as it is you need to tell her to be mindful of her behaviour towards you. What makes her think she can be this nasty to you.Stand up for whats right tell her how you feel if necessary let her be .

Does she really deserve to be baptised with an attitude like that.
My Dd is often sharp with me, but that’s because I know she is sometimes stressed .
It hurts at the time, but she can also be kind, so I tend to ignore it.
If she steps over the line too far, then I will let her know.

She sounds spiteful and cruel. Could you write her a letter or even get mil on side

For me.. my self-respect comes first regardless of how anyone else feels. When you assert your respect for yourself you soon see how others treat you with respect. Otherwise you conform to a sort of blackmail and that is not good. I always tell people where I stand, upfront and honest (without being nasty) you can not control what others do but you can control how you react and how you feel about it. Your daughter stands logic on its head, that does not mean you have to do it or agree with it.

I hear you. Now, my lovely, please do not contemplate suicide. It will achieve nothing.

You can get through this, with help and support, and everyone on here are here for you if you need to share your feelings.

I can empathise with your situation, and let me tell you it will pass.

I cannot say much more, except to take care of yourself and reach out whenever you need to. xxx

Take a friend with you on the day so you don't feel so anxious and leave it for a later occasion maybe over a lunch when you two can sit down and talk together . But don't let her put you down. Leave the door open for her to visit you and you get on with your life.

This does sound very hurtful and I'm sorry.

I would suggest that you back off from her for a little bit. As PPs have said, it may just be that she has bonded with MIL over their shared loss and she is trying to ensure that MIL maintains a bond with the family.

Please do not end your life over this. You need to create a life for yourself beyond your daughter and her family. I would strongly encourage that you see your provider to discuss this. (I know that you're seeing your pastor, and that's a great start, but not all pastors are necessarily equipped to handle mental health issues. This is why you may benefit from seeing your provider as well.)

I mean your post not you see edit button needed

Sorry op you 2nd post upset me so much I rushed to reply I of course mean Counselling. I have said it before but I do wish There was an edit button on here

I found your post a little confusing so am not entirely sure I have grasped all the story. However you mentioned a pastor, if he or she is a shared minister for both you and daughter it might be worth asking him or her to facilitate a mediation session for you both where you can both say what’s in your hearts in an honest way. As a Christian your daughter (and I presume you are also one?) are supposed to be loving and ready to forgive so that if you have hurt her albeit unintentionally maybe the pastor can help you both see common ground?
You mention that you have mild autism and I wonder if you have had any support with this? As others have said people who are Autistic can be a bit blunt and I wonder if something has been said and caused upset?
Do do please seek help too from your GP or at the least call The Samaritans as you sound severely depressed and talk of over dose which is very concerning.

pinkjj27. So well said!!

Oh how I wish this was the first rule! You wrote:

just be kind or stay quiet.

fizzers.
regarding asking what the reason behind it is -
I think she may not know or will find a reason but it probably isn't really why she does it. I suspect it might be the flood of grief and possibly depression following the loss of her husband. I hope she is being helped.

Gonegirl
You're so right - it is difficult here - we can only suggest what comes to mind because it isn't possible to know much of what is happening or has happened. I think people who write in are good at knowing what is suitable for their situation and what is not. Having lots of people writing back at least gives a lot of experience so there may be one or two answers/suggestions that are helpful.

Just putting forward support, sympathy, our own experience and suggestions for what might help is all we can do. The OP will make up her mind what suits her.

if you read the 2nd post The op says he feels like killing her self which is a cry for help. She not in a good place and a place I have been before.Some of these replies are a little harsh and might make her rush for the pills. Why cant we just be kind or stay quiet.

Speak your mind without emotion or anger setting boundaries for behavior you find hurtful. You have a right to your own thoughts and feelings and don't need your daughter's permission to have them. Address the issues as they arise in a calm and clear manner so she understands how you expect to be treated. It's okay to stand up for yourself, sometimes people change and we can't control that, only our reactions and responses to which you are entitled. Hope it helps.

Please don’t take an over dose Please seek help now.
I think you both need support I too lost my husband and it does make you go through all sort of emotions and question relationships but it sound like there is more going on.
Can you get family concluding through your pastor?.
I am not sure what a real nanny looks like or is meant to look like. I am young and funky and childish but happy and proud of who I am. Be confident in who you are and as long as you know that you are being the best person you can be, you can then put things into perspective and realise that the problem is hers and not anything you have done or the way you look . Once you feel sure about yourself you will feel more able to support her.

And I am going to say this again Don’t take an over dose seek help or come back here to feel listened to.There is room for you here.