Feeling quite desperate, can anyone help? I'm 71, partner of 20 years is 70 (both divorced). Nine months ago he moved into my tiny cottage (two up, two down), having lived with parents he cared for till they died and their house was sold. He was particularly close to his dad who died in September and constantly mourns his loss. At the time I was reluctant to let this happen as I felt it would be an imposition and there wasn't enough room for both of us, and although I tried to put it nicely, I did tell him I felt it wasn't a good idea. However I was basically bullied into letting him come as he told me it was his time of need and he would have done the same for me and that was what any partner should do. He also told me it was only temporary - first till Xmas and then till he sorted out his father's financial affairs and received his (considerable) legacy. Then my own dear mother (aged 95 and previously very independent) was diagnosed with advanced dementia (very sudden and shocking onset) and needs 24 hour care. So he offered to stay on in the house and give me rent money every month, to help out with her costs (I am working but have a low income which I need to live on and mother's resources are rapidly dwindling). I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with his presence (he is home basically 24/7 and doesn't work) but since I was thrown by the new situation it seemed that might be a solution. He is very fond of my mother and has been generous in the past towards her and also me. However, I am now quite desperate. He is becoming increasingly controlling and I feel it is hardly my own home any more. He takes it into his head to get my builder to do repairs and painting I didn't ask for, and although he is admittedly good at looking after things in some respects, my bedroom is a chaotic mess with his clothes and suitcases piled up there, and the loft full of things from the old family home which he never even looks at. Additionally my mother's garage is full to the brim with his stuff and when I ask if it will be cleared I get shouted at for even mentioning it and told it's not doing anyone any harm, which I suppose is true. He has even taken control of the cat (who he loves) and feeds him day and night, against my will, so the cat is getting rather obese! You may note that I say 'my bedroom ' - that's because since he came to stay he has taken up residence on the downstairs sofa (there is only one small living room) where he sits all day and sleeps all night. We rarely have any physical contact, and whenever I mention that things are not at all as they were in that department, he says it's because I am so unfriendly and never make any attempt to offer any warmth. And it's true, I feel I am turning into a bitch in the house, since I feel cramped, claustrophobic and taken over in every respect. Even when I go to make a cup of tea, he goes into the kitchen at the same time so we almost trip over each other. If I express any irritation he gets very angry and tells me not to make such a fuss as he's not in my way, and that I am rude and disrespectful. If I try to address the problem, he tells me it's all because I have refused to make space for him and that's he's not getting anything like his money's worth and I should let him buy a big wardrobe (the bedroom is small enough as it is) and clear the loft (I need it for my own storage) so he can keep his things there. I then feel very bad and guilty as know I could be doing more to make him feel at home, and be less aggressive - but that would make an intolerable situation even more permanent. And now, to cap it all, he doesn't seem to be paying me any money at all so I am covering all the bills, council tax and general expenses and he has no responsibility for anything, other than when he chooses to give a handout. I have tried to ask him about this, and he gets very angry and tells me he has paid enough over the years (taking me on holiday and paying for things) so I actually owe him money, and also paid for painting and repairs in the house etc and then asks if I'm only wanting him there for his money. He also says that if I 'throw him out' he'd never have anything to do with me or my mother again and that I'd be mad to 'look a gift horse in the mouth' and mum and I would be in a terrible position financially and otherwise, because of everything he does for us. I fear indeed that would be the case. He has also threatened he would take me to court to pay back what I owe him according to what he has given out. Since these were gifts not loans I believe he would not have a case, but he could make life very difficult for me. I really feel that having been in a long relationship, which has had many good, loving parts, he is a stable factor in my life and maybe there is too much to lose and that it would be ultimately destructive to both of us to make him go (even if I could find the means to do so). And I should make more effort to be loving and at peace with the situation - after all we are both getting on in life and have a while history to draw on. I also know that he would certainly come to my aid if anything happened - when my mother had cancer, and I had a car accident, he was there for us. I myself have no one (an only child with no children - he has a son and grandchildren who I get on well with but they live abroad). My mum was always a support to me and there for me but now she has dementia I have responsibility for her and don't know how I can give up what is now my only means of support. I am at my wit's end trying to decide what to do, I feel I can't just tell him to leave as he would do everything possible to make me feel terrible and indeed I don't know if it would be right to do that, especially with him in such a state about his father. In many ways he both need each other but are either silent, joyless and distant with each other or talking about external things like the tennis or food, or shouting and rowing. I'd dearly love to be able to have a proper honest conversation but it is not a possibility - I have tried but my words get misconstrued till my head gets in a whirl and I am unable to express what I wanted. He would not contemplate any counselling as he maintains there's nothing wrong and that I am thinking too much and should just let go a bit and see how things are. I often wonder if that's true, but I am feel so stressed and unhappy. There seems to be no life plan but I don't know if I am right to expect or ask for one. If anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreciate them,
DillyGood Morning Friday 19th April 2024
