No affection in marriage. So sad and lonely.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/clean-break-or-spousal-maintenance-after-divorce-or-dissolution#what-is-spousal-maintenance

MadameFeuveral, you need to look after yourself now, and your children. I do hope you can see a lawyer soon. Instead of worrying like you have been doing you need to act as if you are independent and don't tell him you have seen a lawyer. He does not need to know everything you do. He is probably a nice enough man but that is not going to be enough for you.

I think having 3 children and running a home is enough work! Why use up your spare energy on working outside the home for pin money, talk to your DH about it and what it would mean for him in terms of childcare. You shouldn't have to fit it in around school, that's not fair on you.

There are a lot of good ideas on here, and good advice as always.
Perhaps you could pick one small thing that you think you could manage to change things, and start there.
Are your children at school? How about a little part-time job (my mum got one in the local chemists' - very respectable) for 'pin money' or volunteering in a charity shop, as a start?

When my child was 9 months in a carry cot in the back of the car, we were in a car park overlooking the city and I didn't want to go home. I did go home and stayed another 20 years. One night, 22 years ago, I did it. We parted next day, he went to his father's house and I out the house on the market that day.

There months later myself and my student son were in our own house.
I could breathe again.

You have no reason to stay.
The message you are giving your children is that it's ok to put up with crap.
Or The other message to them could be that it's ok to treat people like crap.

It sounds to me like he is controlling you. Putting you down, withholding money, etc. sounds like abuse. Google it. Yes he has a job, but he can only do that job if he has childcare for his kids. He could pay for this and then you could go and earn your own money and pay half. He needs to see it like this. If as a family you decide that instead of both working and kids in childcare, you will stay home, then he needs to give you half his wages. You should be entitled to some free childcare - use the time to do what YOU want! And dig around and find out how much the bills are and if they are being paid.

One small step.
If he adores the children, then arrange some sessions at a gym, or exercise classes, when he is at home and tell him, don't ask, that he is looking after the children.
Exercise will make you feel better and you will be with other people; don't think about losing weight just concentrate on getting out and being you for a few hours. Exercise does make you feel better, even if you don't enjoy it at the time, and it will help clear your head, so you can think what you want to do next.

If you are married to this man and his children are his.....please do not view any money he earns as 'his' money. Any money earned by a committed couple should be viewed as being for the whole family. I do understand that many families amicably agree to have individual 'pots' of money for personal mad moments or for particular projects. In my marriage my DH was always the majority earner.....I had part-time jobs from time to time and some were pretty full on despite being so called part-time. However, all monies were seen as family money to be spent or saved as mutually agreed. I think the only exception were any birthday monies from parents. If you are in a committed partnership with anyone there should be mutually agreed financial arrangements even if one of you technically pays most of the bills. Its not 'for Richer or Poorer' for nothing.
And you are NOT pathetic, I believe you are being deliberately worn down by someone who knows how to do it.

I've only had time to skim through this thread so sorry if this has already been mentioned but do you have a job?

I think the only way forward for you and your self esteem is to take control of your life. Don't let him back you into a corner. If you don't have a job - get one, even if it's part-time to fit in with the children and open a bank account of your own. Sign up to Weight Watchers, buy some new clothes and make him realise you are not a push over!

Make it all about you from now on. This happened to a friend of mine many years ago and all it took for her to change her life was a complimentary remark from a man she met at a concert who was there with her friends. He was only flirting with her but it woke her up and it woke her bloody awful husband up as well when he realised he could no longer bully her.

Not upset joyful

you do seem to be going through a particularly bad patch at the moment. I'm not sure if this is coercive control to a certain extent? In any case to ignore your tears, walk away when you are talking to him, and to tell you that you are boring, etc is bang out of order in my book.

He is wearing your confidence away; can you take the children to relatives for a few days over the school holidays, you will be able to think about what you really want for you and the children. I walked away from a man similar to your husband after 18 years, I probably should have gone after 12, as things just went from bad to worse. I did not realise how much he had skewed my perspective of myself till I got out.

All I would say is that children don't necessarily need two together parents, just two happy parents.

I assumd that you do not wish your children to be in the same relationship as you are when they are adults but this is what will happen if you do not take some control of the very out of balance relationship. If you do not wish your sons to treat their partners as you are being treated you must do something. If you do not wish your daughters to be in miserable unhappy relationships with uncommunicative partners you must do something. Firstly do not blame yourself; you are the mother of three children and it is difficult if not impossible to keep your pre baby figure. Secondly if a man trusts you enough to bare and raise his beloved children why can he not trust you with money? Thirdly, don't let anyone tell you to stay for the sake of the children, I have family members who are truly screwed up adults due to the atmosphere and tension they grew up in with parents who no longer loved each other. Finally never ever beg anyone for affection or sex, if it isn't given willingly and with love then it means nothing. Tell him you will no longer live in this loveless relationship unless he steps up. I suspect he won't so get to a solicitor and protect your children and yourself future. You have a long life ahead don't waste it.

What would worry me if you where my DD is the fact you have no knowledge of your finances in any way.
Do you get your house keeping allowance via cash or does he go with you and pay from his account this would also worry me if he did that,how do you pay for your personal bits and pieces etc.
How old are your children if they are all at school can you not get a part time job,maybe within a school so you are off at school holidays,what you earn could be put away for emergencies if ever you it.
Marriage is two ways give and take and you are certainly not being dealt a fair deal at the moment from this man,going to your Dr about possible depression could make you stronger and able to confront him about his behaviour,also your Dr, will direct you to a dietition to get you back on track with your weight.Be strong x

Olderthanmost, I ha r noticed that men are happiest being the provider, hence my generalisation. Apologies for any upset

Olderthanmost, love your post!!

Joyful.
A bad generalisation. I'm never motivated by money

Children that notice a parents loveless marriage? Never heard of this before, heard of children noticing an abusive marriage, that's different. Why are AC so critical of their parents? Stupid way of behaving. As if the parent hadn't suffered enough trying to do their best to keep a family together. Family life brings alot of sacrifice. Its not all about everyone being happy all of the time.

So sad to read your post. If you really do want to help yourself there are some hard things to come to terms with and some hard things for you to do. I do believe you will waste your time and energy trying to get him involved with any changes.

He will be how ever he is and you can not change him, only he can do that. It's a sad fact and a hard fact but the sooner you face that reality the sooner you start taking care of you.

It is understandable that you want your husband to take care of you and your feelings in the way he did when you were first together.

Wanting that is OK, begging him for that affection gives him power and control and leaves you feeling less worthy than you did before. Please stop begging him. Please, for your own self worth.

You clearly do Not feel valued or worthwhile and even after you have laid your soul bare you don't feel any better you sound as if you feel worse.

Seems as if you are picked up by the improvement then dropped lower than before once his behaviour drops off again.

Break the cycle, stop begging. Give that emotional energy to yourself, get back your own personal power and take control of your life one day at a time.

Get friends to help and support you finding you. Your OH will either get on board with your long term goal or he won't.

DO NOT, please Do Not make any changes for him. He will react to any changes you make in whatever way he wishes and it may not be in the way you want.

The only thing we know for sure is that we will be with us for the rest of our lives. There are no guarantees that anyone else will be. Do what you do for you.

I'm guessing there are things you can do to feel better about yourself.

You have identified your comfort eating and that you feel worse after, change. You have 3 children yet you find the time to comfort eat and the funds to do it.

You can use that time and those funds to work towards a stronger you. A clearer thinking you. A problem solving you.

Do something different. Get your body moving. Get a DVD or down load an easy exercise program, when you want to destroy yourself with food use the time to exercise. Put your favourite music on and dance while you do the house work.

Move, get moving. Movement is what helps change. (If you really want change)

You want your children to have a stable home and future. No one will argue with that, it's a very good desire for your children. However, it's no all in your hands is it?

It's never all just down to us, there are others involved.

What's your OH's long term family goal? Think before you ask, you may not get an answer and you may not like the one you get.

If you want a more secure and stable future for your children start to change.

Change how you feel about you. Get to the hairdressers, make a list and make sure it's all about what you want to do - things you want to do for you. Right now you have a list (even if it's only in your head) and you are not on that list. Put yourself at the top of a new list.

If one partner isn't engaged in the partnership and parenting the situation is difficult. You've identified that already, your OH is pulling away from you and it worries you. Your clarity is a good thing and your worry is very understandable but begging your OH isn't working.

If you get on your own list you'll be better placed to look after your children both now and in the future.

What you are teaching your children is that being a doormat is OK and relying on others to provide self worth is how it's done - Oh and others let you down.

I don't think you are really that kid of person but I do think you have let yourself get lost. Time to find the YOU inside You. Don't even try to get your OH to engage, it's not working for you, it's only hurting you.

Get on line, read books, there's lots out there about putting yourself back together.

There is no Magic Wand to bop your OH on the head with to make him see what an amazing person you are.

There's no Magic Wand to bop you on the head and make you all that you were when you first got together. But ...

There is a lot you can do to find what an amazing person you are, you are able to take care of 3 children, that alone lets anyone know you are able to take care of yourself.

You can't change him but you can change you. He may see you as USEFUL not VALUABLE and you may see yourself that way.

Change your thoughts about yourself. Make yourself VALUABLE not just USEFUL. You have the strength to feel better and be more at peace with yourself but it won't be because you beg your OH to change.

Good Luck. It's lots of long, hard work with lots of set backs. But you're a MUM you know how to do this.

A whole new happy life is out there for you just waiting for you to claim it. Be brave and grasp it.

MadameFeuveral I was married for almost 21 years and I like you was not happy but decided I had made my vows and would keep to them and hope things would improve. Then I found out my husband was having an affair. I decided I was not putting up with that so I literally threw him out by having locks changed when he was at work. I took the children to a friends for weekend. I piled all of his clothing into black sacks and dumped them in the garden. Itext him to tell him I knew he had been cheating and his clothing was in garden and if not collected by 4pm I would burn. He came rushing around full of lies and then promises. I put headphones on and played music. After a couple of hours he took his stuff and went off. I don't know where he went but Monday morning I went in to see solicitor and started divorce proceedings. I was so angry I had tolerated years of misery and then he cheated on me. A couple of years later I met another man and after a couple of years we married. I have been happily married for almost 15 years now. Don't make mistake I did in trying to carry on when clearly your marriage is over. I wish I could get back my wasted years. All children are very happy also. Be proactive and take action.

I'm a man. You deserve to be loved. I don't need to see you to know that you are beautiful. The shape or size of your body is not important. You deserve love because you are you and a wonderful person. Feel the love that's coming to you from this group of people who care enough to take the time to answer your call for help. Love yourself. If you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else. Your marriage sounds very unfair. But I would imagine that it's not beyond repair. Love yourself enough to give your husband an ultimatum. Things need to change. Marriage is a shared experience it can be a long term relationship if you make it so. Marriage is not about giving up or giving in but it is about giving full stop your husband needs to recognise this also.

Send me a private message if you wish there are many things I can discuss with you as I have some experience in this area.

Men don't communicate like we do, they don't know how. We expect too much of them. The fact that he shows his love for his children is wonderful. Do you do activities as a family? I have read the other posts and agree that you may need some counselling because you really need to talk to a professional about how you're feeling. Tell him he has to pay for it as you don't want to keep it secret, he needs to know you're suffering. What motivates men? Usually money xx

I have a brother who stayed in his loveless marriage for the sake of the children.
When the second child grew up and left home he had a breakdown and has never recovered.
His AC are critical of the misery their parents lived in and the arguments and bad feelings.

So is it really worth it? The children won't be so happy as they go to teenage and you will be older then.

I think you should seek outside help for yourself, from your GP perhaps to start with.
I hope you can learn to believe in yourself I am sure you are a good worthwhile person.

If things look to stay the same then you should separate while young.
You have your life ahead of you to find someone who will love you as you deserve. And if you are happy so will your children be.

It sounds as if you feel very defeated by all this

I am, and I know how pathetic I sound. Believe me, I do!

We only get one chance at life. You don't have to sacrifice yours for your children. My daughter left her controlling husband. She is poorer but happy as are her lovely children. Please don't feel it has to be like this.

I do though. I do. My unhappiness shouldn’t be their unhappiness. Maybe it’s because I had an unstable childhood that I feel this way, but I won’t do it to my children.

I don’t know if he’s controlling or just uncaring. I don’t know what motivates him. But he’s a wonderful dad, he adores the children. Maybe that’s why he stays with me, even though he doesn’t love me. I could deal with that if he were honest and told me plainly. I could accept that. It’s the not knowing that hurts.

This is going to drag you down, girl and I'd be nipping the behaviour in the bud before you get immune to it and carry on for the sake of marriage and children.

If only your husband would speak up and tell you what's troubling him. It's unusual for a younger man to be holding on to his feelings as it's the older men who are less inclined usually especially when it comes to seeking outside help----normally a GP.

I very much doubt that your increased weight is the problem though sadly it might serve as an excuse for whatever he might be up to ?

My feeling is that he is hiding something.

Men are the worst at narcissism ! A horrible trait.