ANGRY WITH DH - HOW TO RESOLVE?

I think I would ignore it as you would do a small child (because it was a stupid, childish, petulant thing to say) and when he's feeling a bit less terrified and has a bit more perspective then you can have a chat about it and he can explain in more detail why he was so rude and hurtful. I'd also be tempted to go and visit my sister for a few days and leave him to stew in his own Sky-free juices.

With a little leeway? It's all been a shock to him and I suppose he's getting used to the idea of himself as a person with something wrong. He most likely never thought anything could go wrong with him if he's anything like my DH!
Its a pity he's been do ratty with you. Has he never been before?
Give him time. At least he tried to apologise even though it wasn't put well.
Could you ask him to show you how to rescan the Skybox?

Also, maybe you're being a bit touchy too as it all must have been a shock to you too? Apply tincture of time.

The only way to resolve it is to learn how to reboot the sky box!

Give him a bit of time, it is extremely scary to think you are healthy to then find out you are not.

my other half had 2 heart attacks 7 years ago,he refuses to believe he has a health problem even though he has to take several pills a day .It really shocked him when he tried to get insurance recently and they asked for a medical report and of course the quote was very high.He still thinks he doesn't have a heart problem its everyone else who has it wrong !
The first couple of months though he was just like your OH ,terrified to do "too much" or exercise too hard.Luckily his after care included an excercise class where everyone was in the same situation and that helped him see he could still do everything he did before .Book your husband onto an NHS heart recuperation course and give him time to come to terms with what has happened to him

It's because he's a man !

He is scared, & scared to admit it, (false pride , men !) have a glass of wine & talk , best wishes

Thanks for all the comments so far.

Jane10 - DH is not usually ratty with me. He had changed his medication before the chest pains happened and suffered several unpleasant side-effects not mentioned in the Patient Information Leaflet. These side effects made him ratty to start with but they have been disappearing because he's switched back to the previous meds so he should be feeling a lot better.

It is not necessary for him to behave as though he's got a serious heart problem and accuse me of upsetting things when he has been told clearly that he hasn't. I think he's become paranoid that he's going to get ill again because he has had a succession of annoying health issues which are minor but painful while they last.

I am not only hurt but I feel like I've lost respect for him and I don't like that to happen. If he asks me how he can make it up to me I can't think of anything while I continue to feel like this.

Maybe because you care so much about each other the recent event has caused you both a lot of stress and worry. He's probably still scared and instead of being happy that it wasn't serious he is now worrying it could happen again and be worse. Illness often changes people, it must be hard for you to accept things have changed but time may gradually improve the situation. We none of us really know how we will react until it happens to us, so sometimes we just have to work it through.

I have just looked up on the Internet how to reboot your Skybox. Just type in ‘how to reboot skybox’. Here is part of what they say.

‘It may take up to a minute before the box is ready to be switched back on.
Press and hold down the red reset button located behind the MY SKY panel at the front of your box.
Hold this down until all the lights appear on the box, then release.
All the lights will turn off and the box will go through a reboot.
More items...’

The answer is to become independent. Best of luck.

Thanks, for your kind words Ellianne. He's said crass things before and makes embarrassing jokes when we are out. The last time I got really upset with him was because the "joke" was denigrating me directly. It was humiliating and in no way funny.

His parents were always saying embarrassing (as in inappropriate) things in public so he thinks that's normal.

NanKate. I should have thought of googling this! There may also be a user guide somewhere in the house.

I usually prefer to be independent but there are a few jobs that I'm still not sure how to do. This is probably one of the easier ones!

I suppose one way he could help is to stop making embarrassing jokes in public in future that make me cringe. He can still do them when he's out without me so it's not as if I'm preventing him from ever doing it.

It would also help if he thought carefully before he accuses me of anything. I am usually accused of having moved something of his that he has lost, but that is minor compared with being accused of planning his demise.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It sounds like there are two things going on here. One is that your dh has a habit of denigrating you anyway, which must be hard to live with. The other is that he - and you - have had a very unpleasant shock regarding his health.

I'd say that that the second has exacerbated the first and he's now really lashing out. From what I've learnt from others, heart issues in particular can trigger a lot of fear, even when eventually given the all clear. It knocks one's confidence badly and the person can feel fragile and vulnerable which leads to the ill-temper and so-on. It can a form of PTSD.

I absolutely do not think that that excuses your dh's behaviour but it might explain it and make it more understandable to you. Remember the old saying, we only hurt the ones we love? I agree with another poster who prescribes time, and I would also suggest talking, maybe when you're out and about so he is less likely to make a fuss. Also, speak to your doctor or a heart care nurse or perhaps a heart charity, because I am certain you will not be alone with this problem.

Give it a little time RamblingRose22 your husband has had a shock and needs to come to terms with things in his own way. Try not to take things to heart, as someone else said you are his nearest and dearest in the direct line of fire.

^ he shouted at me that I wanted to "hasten his death", which was not only ridiculous but very upsetting for me. ^

Don't get upset at that sort of comment, as you say, it is ridiculous. Try agreeing with him in a humorous way, pointing out how ratty he has been :-)

i needed to reboot my sky box a while ago and read how to do it on the internet. i couldn't get to the plug socket to turn it off so i took the mains lead out of the back of the box, waited a little while and reconnected it. after waiting between five and ten minutes i used the remote and pressed the "sky" button - hey presto a rebooted sky box!
i'm sorry though i can't suggest anything about how to put things right between you and your husband as it's been a long time since i had one - i've been divorced for over 20 years.

oh gosh, we can make excuses, give reasons,, me? I am quite elderly, had a good life, not a lot of illness, just usual for women,, dh also, been strong, had several more illnesses and operations than me, but still strong..

now,, suddenly, due to a really life threatening op. and other stuff piling on, I have suddenly, yes, suddenly discovered that life is not permanent... believe me! so I can sort of understand your dh... having said that no excuse for lashing out, but a good apology and work on the "fear" together.

I think that could be the main problem,, getting old is not fun,, well I only just discovered that... and there are people younger than me who already know that..

it is a shock.

I think the heart issue has probably scared him more than he has admitted. And perhaps it has left him feeling a bit depressed. Maybe you need to give him a little leeway and just try and coax him slowly into doing a bit more. The issue of inappropriate comments is a separate issue and perhaps needs to be tackled when he is a bit more like his normal self.

My husband seemed to have a personality change after he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. After a while his blood pressure meds were changed & he reverted to being his usual self. Could it be the effect of the meds?

He's had a shock after waltzing through life with no problems then Wham! he is faced with what he thinks is his own mortality and he's frightened.
Like all males, even just suffering a cold , he's over egging and it's frustrating as well as hurtful by the way he is speaking to and treating you. I think that I'd have probably shouted back that no, he was trying to hasten you end!
No doubt he will soon be having a check up with his GP to see how his medication is suiting him - wouldn't hurt to go with him and mention to the doc how he is so he can hopefully explain just what he should be doing!

He's had a scare and now he's frightened. If he thinks you possibly don't understand he'll feel alone with this worry. Would he be prepared to change his diet to help bring down his BP? If so, cut out the salt 'entirely' as salt raises BP a lot. So no food containing salt either. Read 'How Not To Die', its amazing. There's a section on BP and it will surprise you. You could help him and yourself to be out of any risk. I've read it several times as its that good. And by the way, blood pressure pills only help a bit, they don't take away the problem. Good luck.

Lots of positives to draw on here- though obviously not good or nice to regularly have someone be rude about you.

Be patient with the illness. It obviously is a big thing to him.

Good luck.

Is this uncharacteristic behaviour? If so it sounds as though he may be depressed. Perhaps he has suddenly become aware of his mortality and it has scared him and made him anxious. That's no excuse for being bad tempered and horrible but it might help explain it. Do you think he would talk you about how he is feeling? I know that is easier said than done because he sounds a bit like my DH!

Dear Ramblingrose22,
I believe he's frightened and doesn't know how to express himself and talk to you about his fears of death and dying.
I would eat my anger and hurt and try and help him.
I've had a similar experience during a period when my DH was wounded and feared he'd never walk again and be free of pain. I've never forgotten the pain he caused with his remark, but I did decide to forgive and let it go.
Ultimately it more life enhancing that staying angry and hurt.