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H with Aspergers/Hoarding and probably NPD

(87 Posts)
Bordersgirl57 Tue 06-Aug-19 06:46:09

17 years of marriage. Probably 17 wasted years. Two weeks ago when I read about NPD on the Mayo Clinic website I ticked 15 out of the 20 traits my world collapsed. Lightbulb moment doesn't cover it, I feel like I have been hit by a train. What a fool I've been.

I saw a psychotherapist yesterday and, whilst she cannot diagnose him - especially without seeing him - she made no attempt to dissuade me that I was wrong. She too, like my GP, asked me why I was still with him.

I used to think the Aspergers and Hoarding was impossible to live with but I'd trade the narcissism for those in a heartbeat.

All the advice is "run, very far and very fast" but I'm not ready to do that just yet. I have a great deal to process and need to know whether he just exhibits some traits or whether he actually has NPD. If it is conscious and deliberate then I have been tortured for 17 years, if unconscious and he wants to change (unlikely) then perhaps there might be a little hope.

Please don't rush to judgment, I have a great deal of processing to do, my head is spinning. I see my GP again next Monday.

Has anyone else gone through this.

kittylester Tue 06-Aug-19 07:07:26

Have the 17 years been happy? That seems to me the crux of the matter.

stella1949 Tue 06-Aug-19 07:20:08

You'll probably never know for sure. People with narcissism rarely go to see a doctor to be diagnosed. And they certainty can't / won't change . They think the world revolves around them - why would they want to change ?

But putting a name to your husband's personality traits won't serve any purpose. If you have been "tortured" for the entire marriage, it's obviously time to re-evaluate your position.

Once you've processed this information I'd suggest talking to him about it and suggesting a doctor's visit . Prepare for a total rejection of your ideas though.

If you're not ready to leave, all you can do is to seek therapy of some sort , and maybe some marriage counselling. Good luck !

Lisalou Tue 06-Aug-19 07:21:49

As Kittylester says, I think you need to think about whether you have been happy for the last 17 years. Whether your partner has NPD, Aspergers, does things intentionally to hurt you or not, does not really matter. What really matters is how this affects you. If what he does (with intention or not) makes you unhappy, and you are not enjoying life, then you need change. If you love him to bits and find that the things he does are annoying but just part of what makes him up, then it is worth fighting for, maybe. Big hugs, you are at a point where you need to make decisions. Do you have children, or other family who can support you at this time?

Peonyrose Tue 06-Aug-19 07:37:47

How have you felt these last 17 years? If stressed and unhappy then you know what you need to do. Whatever his problem, it's how you fee that is important.

Ziggy62 Tue 06-Aug-19 07:58:35

As mentioned, people with NPD will never seek help or see they have a problem. Also they will never change. My mother has NPD and I waiting over 50 years for her to seek help and "get well". It's not easy to accept that life wont improve while living with NPD.

Thinking of you xx

BlueBelle Tue 06-Aug-19 08:04:39

Oh my goodness the man changes overnight because he has a ‘title’
I hate all these labels
People have always been and always will be a mix of ‘things’ that’s what make humans so very interesting Forget the labels and look at the man if you ve had more happy times than sad times and if you love him then carry on as if you didn’t have the light bulb moment
If you ve had a shit of a time and don’t really like the guy much, then move on but for heavens sake drop the amateur psychology he’s not ever seen a doctor or psychologist as yet

Wonder what label we may have? Ever thought about that one I m sure we all have bits of OCD, bits of narcissism (which used to be called self cantered) bits of PTSD bits of anxiety
we re complex beings but these bits makes us what we are

I m guessing you ve had a shit 17 years and now have a reason for it which suddenly makes it all valid but you can leave this person whether he has a label or not in fact it may make it more difficult to leave him because your nice self will know ‘he cant help it’

sodapop Tue 06-Aug-19 08:12:06

I can't add any more to Bluebelle's post.

Daisymae Tue 06-Aug-19 10:29:17

The op has been asked by 2 professionals why she is still with this man. I would think that it's fairly safe to assume that the years together have not been great. One step at a time, take steps to preserve your own health. Unless there's a sudden change, you don't need to rush into anything. Weight up your options and decide what's best for you.

B9exchange Tue 06-Aug-19 10:31:51

Absolutely spot on Bluebelle

chris8888 Tue 06-Aug-19 10:32:01

You wont change him and he wont change. You need to just focus on that really, then you can go from there.

jaylucy Tue 06-Aug-19 10:32:21

I am always very wary of using the internet as a diagnosis tool, however big a name it carries.
The psychotherapist very rightly refused to stick a label on your husband without seeing him and really any diagnosis without him being seen by anyone is futile.
I have to wonder if you have been unhappy for so long, as you imply, why are you still there? Time to put yourself first, make plans for your own future, get legal and medical advice for yourself.
I wish you all the best. It is not easy leaving a marriage and striking out on your own but it can be done and no doubt you will have help and support from your friends and family.

Minshy Tue 06-Aug-19 10:37:11

If you are, and have been, unhappy for most of those years then you owe it to yourself to make plans for a better future. You owe him nothing!

M0nica Tue 06-Aug-19 10:38:35

Bordersgirl57 An enquiry, not a judgment. If the relationship has been poor through out the 17 years, why, on earth, did you marry him or even go out with him in the first place?

ooonana Tue 06-Aug-19 10:40:47

Hello bordergirl I have every sympathy with you. I am widowed but made the ‘mistake ‘ of relying on a man with NPD nearly 20 years ago. We live separately thank goodness and I have lived in hope things may change but sadly they are getting worse. A friend who is a trained councillor has asked me to look at the Attachment theory...... I think I have that now good luck

EllanVannin Tue 06-Aug-19 10:45:12

We all change as the years go by and this you have to accept. Nobody suddenly develops a mental issue as it can take years to materialise if anything was there from the start ( childhood usually or puberty ) and to have been with someone for 17 years after noticing that all' s " not as it should be " does make me think.

Older age can and does affect some and can reflect an unhappy childhood maybe. One thing you haven't said is what life was like during the 17 years and why that only now you've decided that " there's something wrong ?"

RosieLeah Tue 06-Aug-19 10:45:13

It's only now that we are becoming aware of all the various mental conditions people can suffer from. Don't be too hard on yourself, Bordersgirl. Just put it down to life's experience and start making plans for your future.

I think my own ex-husband suffered from the same condition..he was just so unaware that he was behaving unreasonably..he thought the fault lay with me. When I married him, I had little experience of life and was bitterly disappointed when I discovered that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I realise now that I should have left him sooner, but kept hoping things would get better. They didn't of course. Even now, he still can't understand why I left him.

Soozikinzi Tue 06-Aug-19 10:47:11

Now wait a minute if you’ve been married for 17 years and you’re happy then is there a rule that NPD can’t be married? You’ve made it work, you must love each other. A lot of people would envy your 17 years .

Onionlady Tue 06-Aug-19 10:49:16

You sound just like our daughter did. She had 3 children by this self centred, perfect - he thought - husband. For 21 years he tortured her with what is called "gas Lighting" until in the end she took her own life. Please help yourself by running away from this guy, no matter how guilty you feel about leaving him. Think of your own sanity and go and find a new life, please.

Bugbabe2019 Tue 06-Aug-19 10:52:57

I don’t understand
If you have had a miserable 17 years isn’t it time to leave whether he has a ‘disorder’ or not?
So if he a disorder, does that mean you will stay and out up with another 17 years of it?

tickingbird Tue 06-Aug-19 10:53:12

Totally agree with BlueBelle. All this reading up on stuff and then labelling people. NPD is the new in condition and it’s actually pretty rare. Whilst not belittling your concerns in anyway I’d try and seek advice from a doctor.

Apparently we are all autistic to a greater or lesser degree or so I was told several weeks ago and a high percentage of children at my grandsons’ school are either on the autism spectrum or suffering from ADHD and the parents actually get cash help from the government to help them cope. However, I digress. I wish you well but don’t totally understand your post as, as others have pointed out, if you’ve been happy or content for 17 years why let something you’ve read change that?

Tigertooth Tue 06-Aug-19 10:54:41

Yep - BlueBelle said it all - why would it make one iota of difference that you’ve found a label?

JulieMM Tue 06-Aug-19 10:56:58

Onionlady.., I am so very sorry. What a terrible tale, and how brave of you to share it here in the hope of helping others. My heart goes out to you and your family. X

Rocknroll5me Tue 06-Aug-19 10:58:44

I get it...but I too would be wary of pinning all the explanations of the behaviour of your husband to NPD. Mainly because it is such a seductive diagnosis and the Internet embraces it so fully and the proponents of the condition are self confessed narcissists. Step away. I think it also can be an excuse for our own behaviour, to absolve us for any complicity. Such people do exist but I don’t think you could live with them 17 years. No one has the answers. Quietly plan to extricate yourself with as least pain to anyone. That should be your quest. There is no point trying to talk or explain to him just gently move away. Unless you like the drama of course! Which I don’t think you do. Don’t beat yourself up. Good luckthanks

Guineagirl Tue 06-Aug-19 10:59:12

Narcissism is under diagnosed as we can have traits but not true Narcissism and people with true Narcissism do not believe they are wrong at all so it is always someone else’s fault anyway and never seek help. I see a counsellor for depression and she says she would never see people with Narcissitic traits they wouldn’t seek help,