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I cannot believe this

(48 Posts)
Coco1 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:09:31

My son who is 44 years old and single at the moment - he and his long term girlfriend finished 3 years ago, had a mental issue 2 years ago which involved me in supporting him emotionally and financially for a long time. However he said about 18 months ago after I had refurbished his house as well as emotionally supported him that he didn’t need our input any more and he was quite able to manage we thought fine. However he hasn’t been in touch with me despite my texts etc which he has ignored and now I hear from his sister that the reason he hasn’t been in touch is because we go away too much!! I cannot believe that he expects us to be there waiting for him. At 44 years of age I think it is a cheek and about time he realised we have a life too but he seems to think only of himself and nothing about us. What do you other parents think?

SalsaQueen Mon 12-Aug-19 21:01:34

He sounds an ungrateful sod. You supported him, financially as well as emotionally, and now he's all alright, he's not bothering with you. I'd be tempted to tell him what I thought if it were me.

RosieLeah Mon 12-Aug-19 21:01:40

It sounds as though you have been a bit too obliging and indulgent. One of mine is rather the same..I'm flattered that my grown-up child still needs his mum but I do feel as though he takes advantage of my love for him.

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 21:19:56

Outrageous and ungrateful behaviour. Next time he comes calling, cap in hand, looking for support. make sure you have gone away on one of those breaks you enjoy and he resents.

Is he worried your are spending his inheritance? Spend away, is my recommendation.

stella1949 Mon 12-Aug-19 21:22:00

I'm very supportive of my son who is 39 and a a single father. I do all the running around for the children , and I do sometimes buy their school books / uniforms . But I haven't had to give him any financial help at all since he does make good money. He certainly doesn't ignore me - several times a week I get nice text messages about how he appreciates me, so I don't feel that he takes me for granted at all. I think your son needs a wake-up call from you !

BradfordLass72 Tue 13-Aug-19 03:20:05

You have already acknowledge he has a mental problem, perhaps this is all part of it.

Tedber Tue 13-Aug-19 22:31:40

Cocol you have kind of answered your own question - it is about time he realised you have a life of your own to live.

Sounds to me that you have done as much as you can do for your son. Now tell him so!

My advice would be to carry on enjoying your holidays - if your son doesn't want to be in touch so be it! Yes he may have some 'issues' but sounds to me like he wants to control you. No, no, no. You have seen him alright and now it is YOUR time to enjoy. He has his 'freebie' refurbished house to wallow in.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Aug-19 22:36:53

I don't understand how people spoil their children and then complain that they're spoilt.

People (even adult "children") need to experience the ups and downs of life.

They need to learn resilience, and its doing them a disservice to try and cushion them from everything, particularly by bailing them out financially all the time.

MovingOn2018 Wed 14-Aug-19 04:13:19

I don't understand why you haven't sourced information from the horses mouth. Not calling your daughter a liar but have you considered that her input may not be factual but be based solely on her perspective? I wouldn't be so fast to jump into conclusions but they are your children so you should know better than I do.

Grammaretto Wed 14-Aug-19 07:24:16

It sounds like he's having a midlife crisis!
At least he and his sister are in contact.
As the situation is sad for you why not call him? You could call on him and tell him directly how you feel. A text is no way to conduct a real communication in my opinion.

Urmstongran Wed 14-Aug-19 07:54:06

I’m with you Grammaretto - texting isn’t a relationship. It’s just a cop out. Convenient occasionally but not at the expense of a hug and a proper chat.

ayokunmi1 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:16:23

Ask him.

smileymiley7 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:28:49

I think Bradfordlass72 has made an important point. Your son's mental health has not been good in the past and this is an illness. Like most people who have a major health problem he may be (understandably) only focused on himself and does not consider the implications for his nearest and dearest, not because he doesn't care but because when a person is ill they become very self absorbed and internally focussed. Also, I wouldn't rely on second hand information which often gets mis-interpreted and embellished (unintentionally). It probably makes sense to speak to your son or meet with him face to face to clear this up.

Coconut Wed 14-Aug-19 10:34:14

It is a very illogical response from your son so very difficult to offer advice. What would he do if you went to chat with him face to face ? Good luck ...

TrendyNannie6 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:38:06

There’s helping. And helping! He sounds very selfish. You have done an amazing job, why don’t you call him arrange to meet and have a heart to heart, it sounds to me as if you have spoilt him , and there’s an element of control on his part, you have a life don’t stand still because of him he’s taking you for a ride.

Tricia55 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:46:46

I fully sympathise with you Coco1, my youngest daughter has just turned 30, she has no intention of moving out.
I guess I brought it on myself, as she was very I'll in her childhood & teenage years, also bullying at school, for which other sibling say I spoilt her. Now it has come to bite back & she expects to run the house, if not all hell breaks loose.
My own health is not great, but I made a rod for my own back.
It's hard but sometimes we have to have tough love. There I've given myself a good talking too.🤣

Tricia55 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:47:29


Chinesecrested Wed 14-Aug-19 10:48:12

I'd be grateful he seems to be ok and not leaning on me any more. He'll be back when he wants something but in the meantime just enjoy the break.

Hm999 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:49:12

His issues presumably mean he doesn't see things the way others do. When he said that, what did his sister reply?

BusterTank Wed 14-Aug-19 11:04:09

You have done your best and you have a life to lead . The odd phone call may not to go a miss . He has to realise he is a big boy now and needs to get a life for himself .

Barmeyoldbat Wed 14-Aug-19 11:25:23

Ungrateful so and so. Mental issues or not, you have a life and he needs to know this and that you will not sit around waiting for him to need you. Just tell him straight.

Jacks1 Wed 14-Aug-19 12:11:29

This is so selfish of him to treat u this way. Live your life and don't let him make u feel guilty for it. You have shown how much u care now it is his turn.

Jacks1 Wed 14-Aug-19 12:15:56

Today I'm feeling crushed. My husband is an alcoholic and he will not get any help. He wont do it for himself, me or his grandchildren. Been suffering and trying to help him for so long, he said he is going to leave and now I want him too as I cannot live like this anymore. Should I feel guilty and am I in the wrong as this is how he makes me feel.

Jennyluck Wed 14-Aug-19 13:42:02

The last time I saw my son, after quite a nasty tirade from him, I pointed out some of the things we’d done for him, he told me not the expect him to be grateful, as we’d only done what any parents would do.
I don’t expect any of our children to be grateful for any help we give them, we give it willingly, but I hope they appreciate our help.
Needless to say I haven’t seen my son since. I’ve given up waiting for an apology.

Coyoacan Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:26


You should start your own thread, but in answer to your question, it is never too late to leave an alcoholic. A friend of mine split up from her husband at age 70 and never looked back.