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Daughter.....newly laws..

(61 Posts)
Chrisks Sun 18-Aug-19 11:44:28

My daughter is an only child, my husband passed away when she was 14. We have always been close.
She got married last month and her husband is lovely.
I’m now rather jealous of the relationship she is developing with her new in laws! They are all currently on holiday in a big house with their whole family. I’m feeling rather lost and lonely! I know it’s silly but does anyone else have the same issues!

EllanVannin Sun 18-Aug-19 11:50:46

Can't you just be happy for them, that they all get on ?
Jealousy is a terrible trait which can eat away at you if you allow it. Think positive thoughts in this world/life of uncertainty and keep your chin up.

We hear far too much about break-ups in in-law relationships that you should consider yourself fortunate within this family.

quizqueen Sun 18-Aug-19 11:56:30

Surely, it would be more of a problem if they were mean to her. Be happy you have raised a daughter who can slip so easily into a new way of life.

I have two daughters and we are extremely close and I always encourage them ( but they don't actually need it ) to give the MILs equal status, as I hear such horror stories about mothers of boys being cut off by their DILs.

Would you actually have wanted to join their merry family throng, if you had been invited? They do say you can sometimes be more lonely in a crowd. Your relationship with your daughter has a different dynamic.

crazyH Sun 18-Aug-19 11:57:08

Oh dear Chrisks - no one will ever, ever, take your place. Be happy that she has a good relationship with her in laws. I
wish my daughter's in laws would be as nice to her as your daughter's are.
I don't want to rub salt into the wound, but did they not invite you to join them, being that you are on your own. Or did you find it all too much, with their large family and therefore didn't want to go.
Don't be jealous....your daughter is being welcomed into her new family, but that will never replace the old.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:03:32

Perhaps you could take up a new hobby, so as to have something new and exciting in your life, now when your daughter's life is changing?

If you live close enough for it to be feasible you could invite your daughter's parents-in-law for lunch or coffee one day, after they are back home, with or without your respective children.

hazel93 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:31:52

So often a change in the family dynamic causes problems but in your case everything is hunky dory - be happy for them.
As your SIL is wonderful I am sure he will be just as keen to involve your side of the family in the future as your daughter has with his.

midgey Sun 18-Aug-19 12:59:08

Entirely natural that you should feel like this. Yoyr brought her up to be loving and independent......and she has flown as you have prepared her to do. Well done! But now it’s time for a shake and start your new life. flowers

Atqui Sun 18-Aug-19 13:55:35

You are not alone Chris, and as your post shows this not a situation only found with mothers in laws of sons! I’m sure many mothers would feel as you do. I think jealousy is a personality trait which some of us have more than others, and it’s no good anyone telling you it’s pointless- a bit like worrying - we don’t want to do it ! Perhaps you could suggest a weekend away with you. Whatever happens. Try to find a way to get over these feelings before a grandchild arrives as that’s another dimension , particularly if the geography is an issue. I’m sure your daughter loves you loads, and her Mi law will never replace you , no matter how well she relates to her.

Atqui Sun 18-Aug-19 13:56:18

Should have said “ mothers os sons”

luluaugust Mon 19-Aug-19 09:31:14

I think you might be suffering after the wedding blues a bit. You have had a massive life change take place so do be kind to yourself. No one will take your place but your place has changed and you need to start doing some different things, new hobbies and interests. When the AC start going on holidays and days out with the in-laws it does feel funny but I am sure things will settle down.

MawB Mon 19-Aug-19 09:44:16

Of course you are feeling lonely and left out. The wedding will have been a hugely emotional occasion and now it is over I can understand how flat and empty your life could be.
I came home after youngest D’s wedding and just cried- because her husband is lovely, she was so happy and because everything had gone perfectly, but most of all “anti climax ”
You have even more reason to feel that letdown as you do not have her father to share how you feel, but also because she has “joined” as you see it, a large and loving family.
But of course she is still your daughter and has not left you.
Do try to be glad she is happy and gets on well with her in-law’s and if you can possibly find some other activity, or treat for yourself or maybe a short break to take your mind off it for now, it could help.
You might like to write down how happy you are for her, how much you welcome your SIL and know he will look after her and perhaps how proud her dad would have been and wish them all the happiness in the world.
And then when they are back, invite them round for a family meal, make a huge fuss (in a nice way) of your SIL and do not let on in the tiniest way that you have ever felt jealous.
Believe me, I have been there and know from my experience that jealousy is the most hurtful and destructive of emotions.
Don’t go there! 💐💐💐

BlueBelle Mon 19-Aug-19 10:33:51

I understand exactly how you feel you are over the moon for her and happy she has been welcomed into the fold but you’re feeling left out and I would too, what a shame they didn’t invite you too I have been invited to a holiday with the other grandparents a couple of times and it’s lovely to be included I ve also been the only grandparent invited and the only one left out
How about you invite them all over for a day or even just a meal that will give them the clue they are missing,, that you want to be included and invited to any family do s.
I wonder if it was thoughtlessness or if it was the in laws treat or idea and your daughter may not liked to have said anything but may have wanted too
Try to get busy in your own right it’s a huge change suddenly sharing a very close relationship not only with a new husband but all of his family my only advise is make friends of the in laws then you will gain friends

TrendyNannie6 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:34:57

She is still your daughter n always will be, it’s lovely that she has fitted in so well better that way than being ignored, be happy that you have raised such a lovely daughter and be proud, she would probably be surprised if you told her this, I’m sure she would put your mind at ease, jealousy is an awful emotion

Joyfulnanna Mon 19-Aug-19 10:38:35

I was that daughter!
My in laws wanted me to join in on everything they were doing.. Big and small events, Christmas etc. At the time, I didn't spare a moments thought for my dm and how she might be feeling about it. She never said if she was feeling left out but I wish she had. I would have scaled back on spending time with the in-laws. I think you should say something, very gently to her.

harrigran Mon 19-Aug-19 10:43:45

DS goes on family holidays with parents in law, in fact will be on one next week, and I am pleased for him. Good to mix with extended family and for GC to meet up with their cousins, in fact I am happier about the holiday than he is grin

Kim19 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:44:09

Take warmth from the fact that your daughter has been embraced by her new ILs. You obviously reared her so successfully that people want to welcome her. Well done you. It's early days. She'll return to the fold in due course with a new dynamic which I'm sure will enhance your relationship. I wish you well.

Maccyt1955 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:50:01

I think what you are feeling is envy rather than jealousy.
It is natural to feel envious, and there is nothing wrong with that. Envy is a sort of yearning for something we can’t have. Sometimes envy can be quite points us towards achieving things we want.
But jealousy is can be destructive and eat away at us. So I wouldn’t worry too much...just note it as you have, and be happy for your daughter, as I am sure you are.

theresacoo Mon 19-Aug-19 10:50:39

takes courage to admit certain emotions. you are allowed to feel jealous, everyone does, just don't let it spill over into your relationship. maybe be more proactive and arrange meetings so you can be included. i know married couples and both sets of parents are friends. its lovely if possible,

schnackie Mon 19-Aug-19 10:50:49

I have had two generations of that issue. My mother was divorced and alone and I married a man from a large family. We were always included and I know my mother often felt left out. Then I divorced, and my daughter married into a big family, so now I am the one feeling left out on occasion. However I will say that before she had children my daughter often felt overwhelmed with all her in-laws and their family celebrations and would 'escape' to spend time with me, just to have a break.

Coconut Mon 19-Aug-19 10:57:49

My mum has always been extremely jealous of the relationships I’ve had with 2 x past mum in laws, she was very vocal and very critical. She has now started on my DD who gets on great with her MIL. I am extremely proud of DD who has supported MIL thro recent cancer treatment, MIL describes her as her guardian angel and I love it. MIL only had one son, so she loves sharing my DD with me. My Mum just cannot see how she just alienates others with her constant criticism and OTT opinions so it’s impossible for anyone to get close to her. You could just say to your DD that you’d love to join them next time they plan something.

Witchypoo Mon 19-Aug-19 11:02:13

My daughter has found herself a surrogate mother. My son is with inlaws all the time. I dont get to see grandchild at any special time. Go to sally army at xmas. Must have upset them but say no just prefer their new lives

karen1962 Mon 19-Aug-19 11:04:54

It’s so hard letting go, my DILs father who is alone is jealous of my relationship with her too, but it’s much better than the MIL coming between her and the SIL. Remember when / if she has babies only mum will do, so the tables will surely turn. Enjoy the space and use the free time to fulfill some dreams or goals and she will admire you for that

Anniebach Mon 19-Aug-19 11:05:12

Are you jealous or fearful ? X

Soozikinzi Mon 19-Aug-19 11:05:57

I know what you mean Coconut about these very critical people who alienate themselves from family and friends by being vocal in their criticism. Sometimes it’s least said soonest mended . Arrange a nice weekend away with your daughter and her husband and I’m sure you’ll enjoy that more than tagging on with a family do .

25Avalon Mon 19-Aug-19 11:06:36

I know what you mean. I sometimes feel this way with my married d who gets on well with her inlaws sometimes making me feel excluded when they do things with them and their large family. I do try to suppress it though and suggest you do the same as no good can come off it. Your dd is still doing things with you and you are her mum so cherish those moments and tell yourself to be glad that she has a good relationship with her mil. My mil was horrible to me so it's good my dd and your dd don't experience the same.